Rules

by Doe, Anna B.

  Andrew’s earlier words ring in my mind. Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I push my worries away. He’s right; Brook deserves better. And baby or no baby, I’m here for her.

  Brook’s cheeks flush under my watchful stare, and it takes all I have not to extend my hand and brush the red smudge off her cheek.

  “Things have been… better since I got here, calmer.”

  I nod my head in understanding, although everything in me revolts at the idea. Calmer? What the fuck does that even mean? Does she want to stay? Want to have her calm, drama-free life away from Greyford? Away from all of us? Is she happy here?

  I want to bombard her with all the questions, but I settle for a simple: “You like it here?”

  “It’s nice.” She shrugs, the delicate movement of her shoulders making the too-big shirt sway with the motion. “Mrs. Perry has been really kind to let me stay until I figure out what to do next.”

  “So you’re not staying?”

  She’s not staying. I want to breathe out in relief. If this is just one stop on the road, maybe we can really…

  Different possibilities start going through my mind. Possibilities of what could be if Brook came back with us. She lifts her hand, probably to run it through her hair, only to realize it’s tied at the top of her head, so she lets it fall.

  “This was never part of the plan, but I learned long ago that there are no certainties in life, and you have to adapt to what life throws at you. I had quite a chunk of money saved on the side so I could start from scratch somewhere after I turn eighteen, but when Josephine stole it…” Brook shakes her head, like she still can’t believe what her mother did. I know I can’t. What kind of mother steals from her own daughter? “Ten grand gone in the blink of an eye. My future, gone.”

  Her face is impassive, like she’s made peace with what her mother did. And she probably has. I couldn’t even imagine how she must have felt when she found out. I might not have known her as long as the others have, but I’ve gotten to know Brook in the last few months. Know parts of her that she usually hides from other people. Brook is extremely hardworking and determined. If she set her mind on something, there is no way she wouldn’t accomplish it, and nothing would stop her.

  And here was I, feeling sorry for myself because my dad was a dick. A lying, cheating asshole, but in the grand scheme of things, why did it matter? My future, my life was secure, while Brook had lost it all. What little security she had, a place to stay, her friends… she’s lost it all.

  “I’m so sorry, Brook.”

  “You know the funny part?” A sad smile curls her lips. “I would have given it to her.”

  “What?” She can’t be serious, can she? But when I see her slow nod, I realize she is. Because that’s just who Brook is.

  “Josephine owed money to some pretty bad people, and they made sure I knew it, that they’d come to get it if she didn’t pay up, which, let’s be honest, was the most likely outcome. But after Jeanette’s accident, everything changed and I needed a plan. It took me a few days, but I had it. I had a plan that could give me everything I didn’t even realize I wanted.”

  I swallow the knot in my throat. “What happened?”

  Brook’s eyes grow distant. “She ruined it. Like she ruins everything. I came to talk to you and, well...” She shrugs.

  “I’m sorry,” I force the words out. “I know it’ll never change how things turned out, but it’s true.”

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. You had your own problems to deal with.”

  “I should have listened!”

  “You did what you thought was best at the time, and I cannot blame you for that.”

  “I basically closed the door in your face.” Images of the day she came to my house torment me. They’ve been going through my mind for weeks, haunting me. “If you decided never to talk to me again, I wouldn’t blame you.”

  “You were upset with your dad, and your family needed you. Jeanette needed you.”

  It pisses me off. How can she be so cool about it all? So unfazed? She should be pissed at me. Throw something at my head. Anything but be this resigned person in front of me.

  “And you didn’t?” I take a step forward, bringing us toe to toe. “You needed me as much as anybody else, but the thing about you, Brook, is that you don’t expect help from people. You’re used to dealing with tough shit all on your own. But I should have been there.”

  Her green eyes grow wide when I come closer, my hands cupping her cheeks.

  “Max…”

  I shake my head, stopping her from uttering whatever she wanted to say. “I should have been there for you, Brook. You deserve so much more than some self-centered prick, but I’m not a good man, and I can’t let you go. I won’t let you go.”

  Tears fill her eyes, shining like diamonds under the late afternoon sun. Brook closes her eyelids, a painful hitch making her lips tremble.

  My chest squeezes, and it feels like I’m drowning.

  Bowing my head down, I let it touch her forehead. “Don’t cry, Brook. Please, just don’t cry.”

  I don’t think I can take her tears. I’ve seen girls cry before, but something about this proud, strong girl breaking shatters me. I close my eyes too, inhaling her sweet scent. Wildflowers and honey, just as I remember. The all too familiar scent surrounds me, as intoxicating as ever.

  “You won’t say the same when you hear what I have to t-tell you,” she hiccups softly.

  I shake my head stubbornly. “There is nothing you can say that will change the way I feel.”

  “This will change everything.”

  “Look at me, Brook.” My hands grip her face tighter. “Look at me.”

  She blinks her eyes open, one lone tear rolling down her cheek. I swipe at it with my thumb, not letting it fall.

  “I’m in love with you, Brook. My own little Firecracker.”

  More tears fill her eyes, and she turns her head to the side so she doesn’t have to look at me, hurt flashing in her irises. “You’re in love…”

  “With you,” I stop her promptly, forcing her eyes back to mine. I know what she wanted to say, but I won’t let her. I need her to see that I’m serious. Need her to know the truth, see it with her own eyes. “With you. Only you. You’re my all, Brook.”

  “Max, I can’t go through this again,” she pleads with me, more and more tears filling her eyes.

  “Brook.” I try to hold her, but she wiggles out of my reach. Fat tears fall down her cheeks as she looks at the ceiling, blinking her eyes in hopes that they’ll stop. And if my heart hadn’t broken until this moment, looking at her now, I could feel it shatter into thousands of pieces.

  “All my life, I’ve never been good enough.” She looks at me, those broken eyes glued to mine. Standing right there only a few steps away, with tears spilling down her cheeks, her hands gripping into fists by her sides, she looks more beautiful than ever. “Not once. My mother never loved me. For her, I was mostly a nuisance until I became a means to an end. My father didn’t want me. For him, I was just a mistake that needed to be buried deep down so it didn’t ruin his perfect life. And you… the only person I let myself selfishly want, although I knew better, didn’t want me.”

  “Brook, that’s…”

  “I can’t do this again, Max,” she interrupts me. Closing the distance between us, her hands grip my shirt. Desperation like I’ve never heard clear in her voice. “I can’t. Don’t make me do this again. I can’t be second best. I don’t want to be somebody’s second choice. A consolation prize.”

  My hands wrap around her, pulling her closer just as her small fists pound at my chest. Brook repeats those words over and over again. Soft, barely audible murmurs whispered into the crook of my neck as I hold on to her.

  “Shhh…” I bury my head in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. “It’ll all be okay, baby.”

  Brook tries to resist my touch, but there is no way I’m letting go. Not now. Not ever.

&nb
sp; Letting her retreat just enough so that I can see her tear-stained face clearly, I cup her cheeks, bringing us closer.

  In this moment, I know that if I wasn’t already in love with her, I’d fall right now. I think I’m falling for her this very moment. All over again. Falling for all the beautifully broken pieces that make Brook Taylor the woman she is.

  “Listen to me. I know what you think, but you have it all wrong. Hell, I had it all wrong for a while, too. I thought I was in love with Lia, but I was wrong. I was in love with the idea of a person like Amelia. Somebody who needed me. God knows you’re strong on your own, and after everything that happened to Jeanette and her pulling away and closing off from everybody including me, her twin, I needed somebody to need me. I know it sounds fucked up, but it’s true. For as long as I can remember, it was Jeanette and me, but then out of nowhere, she didn’t need me anymore. Didn’t want me. And there she was. Lia, sweet, innocent Lia. She reminded me so much of the girl Jeanette was that the connection was instant.”

  “You fell in love with her.”

  There is so much sadness in Brook’s words, but I need her to understand how wrong she is. How wrong I was from the beginning. Yes, I liked Lia just fine, but this desperation, this need, overwhelming and intense that takes over me, it’s all Brook. Nobody can turn my world upside down like this girl can.

  “She needed me, and I needed somebody to save, but then things with her and Derek sorted out and I was pissed because she had him, and where the hell did that leave me? Back to square one because this need inside of me didn’t go away like I thought it would. And then you came… You were everything I couldn’t stand but all I could think about. So wrong… We were so wrong and messed up, did everything in reverse to how it’s supposed to go. We fought and hurt each other, but I’m done, Brook. I’m done fighting with you. I’m done fighting with myself because I love you, and I want to be with you. You’re my everything. My all. Everything else, we’ll figure out eventually.”

  More tears escape her, so many there is no catching them all.

  “But that’s the thing. It’s not only me, Max. There is no ‘eventually.’ I can’t think like that anymore. There is here and now, and if I don’t figure out my shit, more than one life will be ruined forever.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat, forcing the word out. “W-What?”

  The hands, which were just moments ago hanging by her sides, straighten that too-big shirt over her middle. Plastered against her body, I can finally see what I couldn’t before. A small, barely noticeable bump.

  Stumbling back, my eyes stay glued to her middle. With my heart galloping in my chest, I look at her hands almost protectively wrapped around herself, one holding the underside of her belly while the other is softly placed on top of it.

  Somewhere in the background, I can hear a wheezing sound, and after a while, I realize it’s me. I’m the one who’s breathing so hard it sounds like an animal is dying, the ringing in my ears so loud I can barely hear her words.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  I knew it was a possibility, but nothing could have prepared me for all these feelings that crashed into me when I saw her, bump and all. Nothing.

  Fear and excitement so intense, it was hard to think.

  Hard to breathe.

  “H-How?”

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  BROOK

  It’s like he’s seen a ghost. His face is so pale it’s almost see-through. The gray of his irises is swallowed by wide pupils, a sheen of sweat coating his forehead.

  In a way, he most likely did see a ghost showing him exactly how things will look after today. I sure as hell saw mine when I saw that plus sign on the pregnancy test.

  I’ve never been more scared in my whole life. I was drowning, and there wasn’t a way out. It felt like I’d been punished, punished for something really bad I must have done in my previous life, because what was the other option? Why was life always so hard? It was all too much. Going to Max to tell him what was going on, only to be pushed away. Josephine stealing all the money I had saved for my new beginning. Fighting with Lia and spilling everything I’d been holding back for months.

  In the span of hours, I lost it all, so I did the only thing I could—I ran away.

  “H-How?” His eyes are still fixed on my stomach. The bump is barely visible, but I know soon enough I won’t be able to see my feet.

  “I guess they’re not kidding when they say no protection is one hundred percent foolproof. And with my luck…” I leave the rest of the sentence hanging in the air. “I wanted to tell you, but when I came to your house…”

  He closes his eyes, and I can see his throat bob as he swallows, pain and regret washing over his face. “I threw you out.”

  “You had your own things to deal with, and I realized I couldn’t put this on you too. Not because I didn’t believe you’d do the right thing—I knew you would—but I couldn’t be the one responsible for destroying your future. I couldn’t be…”

  “Second best in my life,” he finishes for me knowingly. “A consolation prize.”

  I nod my head, letting the words settle in. Silence stretches between us, and I can only try to guess what’s on his mind.

  “How did you end up here?” he finally asks.

  “Come.” I wave him toward the living room. I sit down in the armchair, pulling my legs underneath me as I watch him take a seat next to me.

  Then I tell him everything that happened after I left his house. About Mom, my fight with Lia, and Mrs. Brown finding me and letting me stay at her place. Realizing I couldn’t stay, not with Dan after me, and going to Andrew’s dad to ask him for money so I could leave. About Mrs. Perry and my deal with Mrs. Brown to sell my art so I could save some money on the side. All of it. I tell him all of it, without holding anything back. He deserves that much, at least.

  “When I got here, I had an appointment at Planned Parenthood.” I swallow hard, preparing for the worst part. “After Jeanette, I knew I couldn’t rely just on the test, and I had to know for sure, so I went there. They did a routine check-up, confirming my pregnancy, and then they gave me my options.”

  The words are whispered so quietly, I’m afraid he doesn’t hear them, but of course, he does.

  “What options?” I can feel his intent stare at my profile, but I can’t face him. Not while I’m saying this. The pain, the shame, I was feeling that day are still too vivid in my mind, but I know I have to tell him. I have to make him understand how I was feeling.

  “My options. I could have the baby and keep it, or they could help me find a family to adopt the baby once it was born, or… I could have an abortion.”

  “They did what?!” The intensity, the anger, hidden behind that simple question has me jerking back in surprise.

  “I’m a teenage girl, Max. A pregnant teenage girl who’s practically living on the street. What did you expect?!” I throw back at him. Without giving him enough time to answer, I turn my back to him so I don’t have to look at him as I continue. “Until that point, I didn’t even think about it. Didn’t want to think about it. Everything was just too much, you know? You, Lia, my parents, going away… I didn’t even have enough time to process the whole thing, much less think about the possibilities, but when they suggested it…”

  I close my eyes, stopping more tears from falling. A lump the size of Texas clogs my throat so much it’s hard to breathe. Inhaling sharply, I let out a trembling breath.

  “When they suggested it, I knew it would be the right thing to do. For everybody. You had your scholarship and hockey career to think about, and I… I wasn’t ready to have the baby by myself. It would be like history repeating itself. For a while, I played with the idea of giving him up for adoption, but I couldn’t. How could I carry this baby, my baby, for nine months, give birth to him, hold him and then give him to some strangers? Walk this earth for the rest of my life knowing that a part of me, part of us, is out there and I can’t be with him?”

&nb
sp; “Brook…”

  Max’s hand lands on my knee, making me jolt. I look down and find him at my feet, holding onto me. The way he said my name was almost like he’s choking with emotions. I’d know because I feel the same way, but I had to say it.

  “I’m an awful, selfish person, Max.” Tilting my head back, I look at the ceiling through my blurry eyes. “We weren’t ready. Just a few stolen moments… We had just a few stolen moments that turned into something that could destroy lives.”

  A tear falls down, but I don’t even try to wipe it away.

  “I booked an appointment. And when the day came…” Another tear slips down. It’s like I’m reliving that day all over again. My breathing is labored, words coming out in painful stutters as all the emotions come back in full force. Max’s hands squeeze my legs. “I went to the doctor’s office, and when I saw the sign on the building, there was this feeling in the pit of my belly. Not pain, more like flutters that stopped me in my tracks. I just stood there. It’s like it finally hit me, what I was going to do. I was going to go in there and let them kill my baby. My baby, Max.”

  His hands wrap around me, pulling me to the ground and into his chest as a painful sob rips out of my lungs. The guilt I’ve been feeling descends on me in full force, knocking me over.

  “Shhh… It’s okay now,” Max whispers in my ear. My hands wrap around my belly protectively, caressing the small bump, just like they did that day. And his hands cover mine. “You didn’t do it.”

  “Rationally, I knew that was the best option. I knew I could never give this baby everything it’ll need, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill our baby.”

  Now I’m full-on crying, and I can’t find it in me to care. I’ve always been able to hide behind a mask, keeping my emotions in check, but with my raging hormones and Max being here, I’m all over the place. One minute I could be laughing hysterically, and the next sobbing.

  Max rocks me in his arms, whispering as I cry, letting the tears wash away the guilt and the pain in hopes that one day I’ll find the strength to forgive myself.