The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Today I flirt for fun when I am attracted to a potential partner.

  Day 139

  Investing in Potential Partners

  I know how to have an abundance of people in my life without getting hooked in.

  In the past, whenever a person wasn’t available, we may have labeled them, thrown out their number, or “blackballed” them. Discerning the unavailable person from someone who is ready to make a commitment to us is necessary; however, as we progress we may want to hold people in our lives. Even if they are not “The One,” they may be great company. Human beings are wonderful to know. Humans are fun, playful, active, interesting, and creative.

  Keeping people as friends is a highly developed skill. We must let go of the fantasy of that person suddenly becoming available to us for more than friendship. Having an abundance of people in our lives is pleasurable if we can avoid getting wrapped up in them. No matter where we are in our process, we now know that the principle of investing in others is a possibility. Today if we choose to keep someone in our lives, we can build our network.

  Today I am capable of keeping an individual who is unavailable for partnership as my friend if I am comfortable with that.

  Day 140

  Equality

  I treat potential partners as I want to be treated.

  While stuck in our partnership issues, we may have treated other people shockingly. Conversely, we may have viewed them with total awe. Common treatment of people resulting from our emotional shakiness has been ignoring, yelling, sulking, pouting, blaming, nagging, holding them to unreasonable expectations, throwing things, or abruptly leaving a relationship.

  Today these behaviors are no longer useful for us. We firmly reject them. Our partners deserve good treatment. Whatever our histories of treating other people, we know that today is the time to begin again. Now we treat our partners lovingly. This does not mean that we accept behavior from another person that is less than nurturing. If we need to take care of ourselves with an individual, we do that swiftly and effectively; however, we act with fairness and compassion wherever possible. Now we know that love, tolerance, honesty, communication, and forgiveness are appropriate ways to interact with people. For today we let go of all behaviors that no longer serve us as we heal our partnership issues.

  For the next 24 hours, I practice new behaviors with the person in my life.

  Day 141

  Timing

  I have impeccable timing in communicating with a partner.

  Timing is important. If a person is distracted, playing video games, seems to be mulling over a problem, or is concerned about work or the economy, chances are that is not the best time to approach them with heavy issues. Women are generally good at understanding timing; however, many of us have had challenging experiences trying to communicate with our partners. Often we have let something go for too long. Then we have exploded at someone or have refused to communicate at all with a person for lack of skill.

  Whatever our experience, understanding people’s patterns is essential to effective communication. If we do not have the skill set we would like in terms of understanding timing, there is a wealth of information on effective communication. (Some good resources are listed at the back of this book.) When we want what we want when we want it, it may not be the best time to connect with our partner. Usually a good rule of thumb is to wait at least five minutes before we discuss an important issue with a person. Now we know that the needs of the partner in our life deserve to be respected just as do our own needs. Today we judge timing correctly. We also know that we deserve to be heard when it is appropriate.

  Today I communicate with an individual when the time is right.

  Day 142

  Agendas

  I let go of my agendas.

  Our agendas can keep us stuck. Agendas are problematic. If we are completely committed to the plans we have set for our interaction or mode of relating to a person, we have an inability to be present and flowing with the process of life. Disappointment may follow. When many of us are disappointed, the person then can become our target rather than a real human being. We forget that they have their own needs and feelings.

  Today we stop the cycle. If we notice that we have an agenda for any situation or relationship, we are aware of it. We examine the plans we have without judgment. Then we accept where we are now, check in to see how we are feeling behind the agenda, and let go of the agenda. If we feel that a person has a plan for us, we do not step into the role assigned for us or retaliate with an outline of our own. We question them about their intentions or we excuse ourselves. Now we know that agendas do not help a relationship. We know that agendas keep us trapped.

  Today I release all hidden agendas.

  Day 143

  Acceptance

  I accept other’s limitations.

  Acceptance does not mean approval. Though we may not like someone’s behavior, the person is still a miraculous creation. They are precious. If someone is limited in their ability to give us what we need, we use that information wisely. We release them without labeling.

  Healing is not about judging another for what they can or cannot do in relationships. It is about loving ourselves enough to let go of a person if it is clear that they cannot show up for us. The other option is to accept their inabilities if there are other pay-offs from being with them.

  Today I know what I need. I accept other’s limitations.

  Day 144

  Running Away

  I let myself interact with a person without running away from them.

  “Give a person three chances to know you.”―Lydia Yinger

  Giving appropriate people three chances to know us takes guts. When we do this we get a chance to see them seeing us. Obviously giving an individual three chances is not a hard and fast rule. One date may be more than enough to tell if we do not want to see a person again. The problem is that for many of us it takes discipline to actually let a person get to know us. We may want to run away from them, especially if they seem “boring.”

  Because drama translates to excitement for many of us, we are uncomfortable with a person who is truly available. There is no “hook.” It may take practice for some of us to let ourselves experience how an individual feels to us without getting rid of them. Now as we date someone, we gather more information to decide if they are a good choice for our continued sharing. With practice, patience, and time, our interactions with potential partners move us into healthy relationships.

  For this day only, I decide to let a person get to know me without running away from them.

  Day 145

  Who I Want

  I am clear about who I want.

  Attraction is one part of the equation in relationships; knowing what behaviors and qualities in a person are desirable for us is another. Doing the research of interacting with potential partners, while keeping an awareness of ourselves, teaches us who we want. It is essential to gaining perspective. However, interaction with self-awareness can seem extremely intimidating to many of us. We have usually tuned in to what someone else wanted. A different challenge we may have faced was being so overwhelmed by an attractive individual that we lost ourselves.

  The only way to achieve clarity about ourselves is to interact with people, though. We each deserve a wonderful partner who is good for us; and they are out there waiting. Today we get the support we need when interacting with potential partners.

  I clearly know what I need in a partner today.

  Day 146

  Categories

  I abstain from categorizing people.

  Thinking outside the box characterizes emotional availability. Making categories is a function of our ego. Our ego wants clear definitions in order to feel safe. We believe that if we know where people fit in categories, then we can position ourselves to experience the least amount of hurt. For example, if we believe people are “out of our league,” then we forget to see that there is a human being inside of them. Once they
were little and dreamed of being their favorite cartoon character. They liked to eat sugar cereal. They have dreams and desires now. Similarly, if we think a person is “below” us, we miss their wonderful sensitivity, strength, and humor.

  Emotional availability knows that this person in front of us is not just a prop. They are a real person with dreams, feelings, needs, insecurities, and passions. As we heal our partnership issues, we don’t want to diminish love experiences, other people, or our partnerships. Today we avoid shoving people into categories.

  Today I let go of all the categories I have used to box other people in.

  Day 147

  Mind Reading

  I abstain from all mind reading.

  Mind reading can get us into trouble. When we think we know what a person is thinking or feeling, we may be incorrect. The only way to know for sure what someone else is thinking is to risk involvement. We have to ask questions. The reason many of us detour into mind reading is that in our own heads we are in control (or so we think.) In our minds we develop elaborate explanations for a person’s behavior. We are often quite sure we are correct.

  Although mind reading may seem less dangerous than actually getting the information we need, mind reading blocks love from radiating throughout our partnership. Chances are we are dead wrong in our assumptions anyway. Now we know that our tendency to mind read can strangle the love of even the best partnership. It is not about relating, it is about our mind. It is about control. Today we fearlessly let go of all mind reading behavior.

  Today I check things out with my partner when I feel tempted to read their mind.

  Day 148

  Getting Out There

  Today I get out in the world.

  Many people are waiting to meet women just like us. People want to meet us as much as we love to meet them. Figuring out what type of person we want helps us as we get out in the world to mingle. Then to meet potential partners, we must figure out areas to meet a potential life-mate.

  A starter list of venues to meet people include job fairs, hiking clubs, fishing trips, national parks, canoeing activities, civic organizations, singles events, parties, set ups, ice skating rinks, personal ads, financial seminars, the elevator at work, the racetrack, the county fair, dance clubs, the yacht club, classes, workshops, neighborhood meetings, volunteer opportunities, and church or temple.

  Partners are available and seeking wonderful women. If we pursue an activity we enjoy, chances are we will meet someone who has similar interests and wants a woman just like us.

  Today I mingle in select areas.

  Day 149

  Judgments

  I avoid judgments and I see individuals.

  Our whole society is about judgments. It can be extremely challenging for us to emerge from all the propaganda we have been taught about partnership. Many of us are taught that potential partners are all only after sex, want younger women, are emotional cripples, or are scary. These judgments completely negate the individual person standing in front of us, though. We forget that they have feelings and desires when we judge them. We forget that they have a favorite movie, a favorite breakfast food, a favorite childhood picture book.

  The next time we find ourselves making a judgment about our partner or any person, we stop ourselves. We realize that we need to truly see them. Our judgments put pressure on us; judgments do not allow us to truly cherish others. Today we realize that releasing judgments doesn’t mean we can’t have opinions; however, whenever we are tempted to judge, we remember that there is a human spirit inside of our partner.

  Today I see the person in front of me without judgments.

  Day 150

  Safety

  I let safe people in.

  Many women in our culture have been told to be kind to everyone, to put other people’s needs first, and to be polite at all costs. Now we see the huge burden we have placed on ourselves, and others, by ignoring our own needs for safety. Using all our tools today of intuition, life experiences, and a connection with a Higher Power, we trust our own wisdom to know who is safe to let into our lives. Sitting quietly with ourselves, we tune into the part of us that can judge who is a safe partner, and who is not.

  We may not be perfect in honoring ourselves right away, the process may take time, and we may make poor judgment calls, yet our choices do improve. Safe people are waiting for us to let them in. Now when we decide that someone is appropriate to let into our world, we gently open our heart.

  For this day only, I choose safe people to let in.

  Day 151

  Ignoring People

  I abstain from ignoring potential partners.

  Often we have been overlooked in the past by our partners, our parents, or significant people in our lives. Now we just continue the cycle. The problem is that people who have been disregarded have deep doubts about their worth. In order to stop passing on what we know, it is imperative to stop slighting people.

  Sometimes we neglect others because we can’t handle our feelings, because we feel responsible for everyone else’s needs and can’t take care of our own, or because we need to feel superior to other people. Whatever the reason, whenever we ignore others, we perpetuate a damaging cycle. Our partners deserve to be noticed. While making a decision to pay appropriate attention to people takes practice, we can do it one day at a time.

  Today I pay attention to my partner.

  Chapter Summary:

  Dating is a great opportunity. You are getting to know yourself better all the time. By now, you are interacting with potential partners and getting lots of information. You are taking care of yourself in powerful ways. You are finally getting a chance to date as an adult. You are also starting to see the truth about other people. At this point in your process, you may notice a huge shift in the way you interact with others. You may feel attracted to those you would never have considered before. This is normal! You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

  Today, reflect on 4 ways that you are taking care of yourself differently on dates. Write down 3 venues to meet people that you would like to try out in the future. Notice 2 ways you are starting to see potential partners in a different light. Most importantly, give yourself a hand for getting out there in the first place!

  Dating can be challenging and painful; your commitment is tremendous. If things seem bleak when you interact with others, this is to be expected. Just keep on going. You are getting better all the time. Remember that the process of getting out in the world to date is imperative to healing your partnership issues. As you get practice in the dating world, you are positioning yourself to meet available people who can meet your needs.

  Now you may be asking several questions. How do you know when a person is available? How do you identify signs of emotional unavailability at work in others? What do you do if you determine that a person can’t meet your needs? The next chapter gives you the answers you need to identify and deal with the emotionally unavailable type.

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  Emotionally Available

  or Not?

  This chapter you will help you determine an individual’s availability quotient. You will learn to maintain realistic expectations of yourself and of your partner, how to identify signs of emotional unavailability in potential partners, and how to let an emotionally available person into your heart. Enjoy this part of the process. It will make you stronger.

  Day 152

  The Emotionally Available Partner

  I seek an available partner.

  Our culture teaches us that we should seek out someone where the attraction is magnetic; often these people are dangerous, though. They may be critical, married, or emotionally unavailable in some other way. Almost always there is a snafu involved in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. Things rarely go smoothly. Most of us can clearly identify the unavailable person in our lives.

  Now, in order to heal, we seek an emotionally available partner. As we interact with people and meet an availa
ble person, we initially perceive a difference. We feel happier. There is a healthy exchange of energy in the partnership. Life progresses lightly and calmly with this person. Having an available partner in our lives does not ensure a problem-free relationship; however, an emotionally rich partnership enhances our lives. Today we seek an available person.

  Today I know I have the option of choosing an available partner.

  Day 153

  Unavailable

  I let go of all unavailable people.

  People who say one thing but do another, send mixed messages, and confuse us are people who are unavailable. Signs of emotional unavailability are: making dates then breaking them, being married or in a long term relationship, being an alcoholic or a compulsive gambler, being angry, physically abusive, or imprisoned, not wanting to be in a relationship with us, being misogynistic, passive-aggressive, or frequently late, still being connected to their “ex,” not initiating, putting no energy out, keeping us guessing, flirting with other people, not being attracted to us, controlling us, being judgmental, being hesitant in some way, or being inconsistent.

  Unavailable people like this are challenging to be with. If we find ourselves attracted to them and getting caught up in the drama, it may be time for us to examine our own behaviors. Are we also unavailable? Do we make it easy for people to act this way with us? Do we make them upset or prone to react? Being the partner we seek is always the answer to being emotionally available. If we are unavailable, we stop the behavior. Whether we must generate more clarity in ourselves up front about what we need in and expect in a partner, if we must set more boundaries along the way with an unavailable person, or if we must just let an individual go, today we say goodbye to the unavailable type.