The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  In this moment, I release all need for unavailable people in my life.

  Day 154

  Facing Reality

  I face reality.

  Facing reality is sometimes not pleasant in the moment. It can save us real trouble in the future, though. If a person does not want to commit to us or is emotionally shut down, chances are they are not emotionally available. The sooner we face reality about where they are and what they can do in a relationship with us, the sooner we are free to choose someone who gives us what we need. If we can’t let an unavailable person go, though, that is always OK; however, we then need to face reality about ourselves.

  Chances are if we are attracted to an emotionally distant individual, then we are stuck in our fears of commitment too. We do not judge others or ourselves if this is the case. We only acknowledge the information. Everything we do is fine. It is always OK to be with whoever we need to be with, whenever we need to be with them. If we are not getting the true satisfaction we need from someone, however, we face the facts today.

  Today I face the facts about a potential partner.

  Day 155

  Seeing

  I see when people are unavailable and incapable.

  When we are stuck in our fears of partnership, we pretend that an individual is available. We are unwilling to see the facts about an unavailable potential partner. We deny the truth. We often are so good at denial that we deceive ourselves. Denial is just a symptom of our issues, though. It’s hard and it hurts when people can’t give us what we want; however, lying to ourselves ultimately causes us more pain than the pain we are running from. It gets us into long relationships that go nowhere.

  Today we have the alternative of fearlessly facing the truth about a person. If an individual is unavailable and incapable, we face the facts. Now we use the information we gather about a person without judging, blaming, or criticizing them. We face the truth with compassion for the other person. Then we let go of them if we need to.

  For the next 24 hours I take the blinders off!

  Day 156

  Understanding

  I understand the situation.

  “Give it the friend test. Would it bother me if my friend did it?”—Meg Lopez-Cepero

  When we are stuck, it is hard to see the truth. Getting quiet, centered, and getting help to understand an uncomfortable relationship situation is essential. For example, one woman was very hurt that her fiancé spent so much time with his family before their wedding. Her partnership issues had trapped her in selfishness and self-centeredness. She had set other people up as the enemy.

  Often we, too, cannot see a relationship with any perspective when we are so blinded by our own perceptions. Whether we make more of a comment, gesture or perceived slight than it warrants, or whether we go to the other extreme and deny the impact of a person’s behavior on our serenity, understanding is imperative. Friends, writing, meditation, therapy, and reflection are all tools to help us attain clarity about a situation with our partner.

  To heal her challenge, the woman in the example above talked to several good friends to understand the situation. She realized his actions were not about her. Then she was able to give her fiancé his freedom without taking things personally. Now they are happily married. We all require a reality check like this from time to time. The good news is that now we know how to get the support we need.

  For this day only, I gain perspective on my relationship.

  Day 157

  The Unavailable Man

  I release all unavailable men.

  There are many books describing emotional unavailability on the male level. Any man who is currently in a relationship, married, experiencing serious emotional problems, abusive, neglectful, sending mixed messages, commitment phobic, ambivalent about us, an active alcoholic or drug abuser, a workaholic, or a compulsive gambler is unavailable.

  It is always OK for us to choose a man who cannot give us what we need; however, learning to recognize danger signals early in a relationship helps us in the long run. Facing reality about a man’s unavailability can mean pain for us in the moment, yet by releasing such a man we are opening ourselves to the possibility of meeting someone available. All of us deserve an emotionally available partner. When we let go of the unavailable type, we open the door to someone wonderful.

  Today if I notice that a man is unavailable, I know I can make the decision to let go of him.

  Day 158

  Entanglement

  I disentangle myself from my pattern of running from available people.

  We usually have many old ideas about partnership. Our interactions with unavailable people have confirmed what we fear is true about potential partners in general: that they are dangerous, frightening, unfriendly, or cold. A fear of people characterizes our partnership issues. Being with an unavailable partner has hurt us, yet the reason we have many times chosen to be with someone who can’t or won’t commit to us is because it is familiar.

  Now as we interact with potential partners and meet available people, we find individuals who represent the very opposite of our fears. The problem is that whenever we do find people who are safe and comforting, we most often don’t know how to respond. These available people often send us running! If this happens to us, we do not need to fear. The universe is bringing us a wonderful, available partner right now. All we need to do is focus on the process and love ourselves. Healing our partnership issues means disentangling from our dysfunctional pattern. Healing is a process of opening ourselves up to someone who gives us what we need—an emotionally available person.

  Today I release unavailable people. I choose someone who is nurturing and open.

  Day 159

  Practicalities

  I know which people to avoid.

  Ultimately our rebellion and willfulness has contributed to our challenges in past relationships. No one has ever been able to tell us who to be with. We have simply never been willing or able to listen to “authorities” on the subject. Today, we avoid this problem by becoming our own authority. We decide for ourselves what types of people to side-step. Knowing we deserve available people, and having boundaries about what types of individuals work for us, is essential. While this sounds harsh, today we generate a list of people who most probably are not candidates for healthy relationships. To get the ball rolling we now avoid: married people, financially unstable individuals, active drug addicts and alcoholics, people with serious emotional problems, and those who yell or have abusive pasts.

  Certainly there are exceptions, yet we deserve available people in our lives. There are plenty of stable, adorable, loving potential partners who want women just like us. It is always OK to be with who we want, whenever we want to be with them. The only important qualification is that we examine how this person makes us feel and truly listen to our own feelings.

  Today I create a list of people who I consider unavailable, and then I choose an available partner.

  Day 160

  Red Flags

  I pay attention to all red flags.

  If a person looks good and fits many of the characteristics of our ideal mate, sometimes we don’t want to see the red flags. We are tempted to ignore the signals that something is not adding up. When someone tells us information, and that is usually within the first hour of knowing them, we need to hear them. Even if this information goes counter to our idealized perceptions of what they could be, we need to honor the facts. We think, “They could be ‘The One!’”

  Healing means that we women trust all our senses. Now we stay alert to the red flags a person may display at the beginning of a relationship. If a person is still discussing their “ex,” is angry, or is inconsiderate, it is important for us to notice. We must really take this information to heart. It may be disappointing in the moment to notice red flags; however, we save ourselves a lot of pain in the long run. No one will be perfect, but the beginning of a relationship is when we are all on our best behavior. Now we know that init
ial red flags deserve our attention.

  Today I notice and respect any red flags that a potential partner displays.

  Day 161

  Leading Questions

  I do not take the bait when asked a leading question if I do not want to.

  When someone asks us a leading question, it is a red flag. A leading question is meant to open a can of worms, it expects a certain answer, and it is provocative. Although asking a leading question doesn’t make someone bad, it does signify that they are not letting things flow. They may have a hidden agenda. Questions about sex, our incomes, and even our habits, can be uncomfortable if posed too soon in a relationship.

  Typically we have answered questions we felt uncomfortable with in order to appease or keep a partner. Our fear that we might offend someone has often taken precedence over acknowledging what we find invasive. Today we know that we do not need to answer any question a person asks that causes us discomfort. Each time we identify and set boundaries around leading questions with a potential partner, we take a positive step forward.

  Today I know that a person who asks leading questions is waving red flags in the air.

  Day 162

  Emotionally Available People

  I am an emotionally available person.

  Emotionally available people don’t let it ruin their whole day if they have a painful interaction with someone they care about, obsess on someone, or behave in less than desirable ways. An emotionally available individual knows that everyone makes mistakes. Emotionally present people know there is always another chance to interact lovingly and to practice new behavior. Emotional availability knows that no one is perfect. It understands that we all experience challenges as we relate.

  Perfection is an illusion. One painful experience with our partner does not ensure that others will follow. Being emotionally available is letting go of the tape we play that says we always get hurt in relationships. Today we are emotionally available people who know that a wonderful love experience is just around the corner.

  I am emotionally available because I know that wonderful love experiences come and go.

  Day 163

  Male Disclosure

  I honor what men tell me.

  Men have a gift to give us in dating. Usually in the first hour a man tells us who they are, what their style is in relationships, and what capacity they have for intimacy. The problem is not unwillingness in men to show who they are; the problem is that we are often very good at hearing what we want to hear and seeing what we want to see in potential partners. For example: if a man is still getting over a previous relationship with an “ex” and hasn’t completely let go yet, notice. If he says he has a lot of personal problems, listen.

  This doesn’t mean he is not the man for us; however, we need to hear the information. We must determine if a man can meet our needs and what pace will be appropriate to take with him.

  Today I listen closely to what a man discloses to me.

  Day 164

  Eighty Percent

  I decide that 80% is enough.

  “No human being is going to be 100% available.”―Hillary Flye

  Putting our partner’s availability on the top of our list is important; however, we need to keep balanced expectations of people. No man or woman will be 100% available. Balance and moderation are essential as we heal our partnership issues. Promoted by the media, our parents and other cultural sources, we believe that the perfect relationship is out there. We think it is just a matter of finding that “someone special.” People aren’t perfect, though. Perfection is an illusion. That is why our expectations get us in trouble.

  Giving about 80% to the relationship is acceptable. It leaves the other percentage free for each partner to develop her/his interests. Now we know that giving 80% both within a relationship, and in the world, allows us to be more human.

  Today I have balanced expectations of myself and my partner.

  Day 165

  Passive People

  I choose to be with a self-actualized person.

  “A year before I met him, my husband would have scared me to death.”―Jane

  Being in an unequal partnership may feel comfortable for us. In the past, it may have felt safer to choose people that we could lead. Then we felt that we had control. Now available, successful, whole people may make us run away in a panic. We feel scared to death that we are not good enough. We are ruled by the fear that we do not deserve a wonderful life-mate. Now we identify that fear as a function of our low self-esteem.

  To heal, we continue working on ourselves. We know that our comfort level increases as we practice interacting with self-actualized people. Many times we still find ourselves wanting to fix a potential partner; we are almost compelled to. Today, though, we stop ourselves. Then we make a decision to stop taking care of our partner. We let them show up as a mature adult.

  Today I enjoy the company of a rational, adult person.

  Day 166

  All Potential Partners

  I legalize all people.

  Today all potential partners are legal for us. Individuals have no charge. They are neither bad nor good. Whatever type of person we want is OK. Spiritual people, married people, construction workers, charmers, financial planners, unavailable people, and kind people are all equal. No one is better or worse.

  All we have to do is stay in touch with ourselves as we mingle. Now we ask questions to see how we feel in being with this person. Is the charmer narcissistic and exciting, while the kind person is boring but loving? How does this make us feel? Do we get a thrill from flirting with someone with a ring on their finger? What do we want from this person? Can we get what we want from them?

  The legalization process seems scary because many of us wish we could just have a rule book to follow; however, the rules are inside of us. Our internal knowing signals who it feels good to be with. Though it is scary, going through the legalization process makes it unnecessary for us to rebel, lose touch with our own signal, attempt to follow rules that dictate who we “should” be with, and run to those who can’t possibly be available. Legalization is the part of healing that moves us toward a wonderful person, so today we practice!

  Today I know that all people are legal. I explore what type of person I enjoy interacting with.

  Day 167

  My Issues/Their Issues

  I make a distinction between my issues and my partner’s issues.

  Focusing on our own issues and dealing with what is in front of us lets our partner take care of their own life. If a person tries to convince us that we are at the center of their issues, we may become confused and assume that they are correct. For example, one woman was told by her boyfriend of three weeks that he would be on time for their dates if only she didn’t nag him. This is not true! She knew that each person is ultimately responsible for their own behavior in relationships. She quickly realized he was not the correct match for her. Then she released him. Now she is happy with a wonderful partner who is on time and knows he’s responsible for himself.

  If, like her, at any time on our journey we find ourselves getting wrapped up in someone else’s issues, we take a time out. Then we do the necessary footwork to gently figure out if that is our truth. We are supportive and available when a person asks for help; however, now we determine the difference between what our issues are and what belongs to them.

  For this day, I enjoy separating what belongs to me and what belongs to my partner.

  Day 168

  Pigeonholing Others

  I keep an open mind whenever I meet a potential partner.

  “That person seems needy. He’s so boring! That one’s too macho. They are not successful enough. I want someone more attractive. What a nerd…” Whenever we put an individual in a category like this, it is a good indication that our partnership issues are rearing up. Now we pay attention to the message we are sending ourselves. Seen in this way, judgment is a good opportunity to get closer to ourselves and to our o
wn feelings. Let’s remember that whenever we judge another, usually we are judging these same qualities in ourselves. This is not at all necessary.

  We are all amazing creatures with a purpose on this planet. When we judge, we know only a small amount about this person in front of us. Judgment is based on very little concrete information. In fact, we may later regret our hasty judgments. We can miss out on a wonderful person because of our personal prejudices. We don’t appreciate it when others put us “in a box,” so now we give others the same respect of not pigeonholing them. The next time we meet a potential partner, we reserve our judgments until we have more information.

  For the next 24 hours I abstain from pigeonholing other people.

  Day 169

  Married People

  I examine my motives for being involved with a married person.

  Involvement with a married individual can almost wipe us out. We may be attracted to this kind of unavailability in a person because then there is no real chance of getting close and having to be intimate. Although it will hurt to be with someone who can never really love us the way we want because they already have a partner, that pain actually protects us from having to explore our own blocks to intimacy. When we are involved with married people, it is easy to distract ourselves from our own lives. Everything revolves around that magic moment when they will be ready to love us, when we will get “the cookie,” when they will leave their significant other.

  There are also many dramatic highs and lows in this type of relationship to divert our attention; however, involvement with a married individual is a difficult and unfulfilling way to live. If we are choosing this path, we look closer at the pain we are causing ourselves. Now we see that it is really our own issues that hook us in. It is always OK to be with a married person if we want; today, however, we ask ourselves gently if that involvement feels good and if this is what we want.