The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Today I have the courage to face my fear of loss.

  Day 184

  Snide Comments

  I identify and firmly reject all snide comments.

  Single women have a hard time of it in our culture. Being single can almost seem like a disease people don’t want to talk about. Society makes the supposition that marriage and partnerships are preferable to being single. We can receive barbs or even well-meaning comments from family members and colleagues when we are single. Sometimes people do it “in fun.” Whatever the motive, these snide comments can deeply wound us as we heal.

  We cannot control the sensitivity level of others; all we can do is treasure ourselves and remember that we are sacred. Accepting other people’s limitations, taking note that they are not being considerate, discussing the behavior with them if we feel it will be helpful, and asking that comments about our partnership status not be made are all options to deal with snide comments. Whatever course of action we take, we realize there are many amazing women journeying with us. We are not alone. Now we also know that marriage is not necessarily the “be all and end all” of life. Where we are today is just fine.

  Today I know that snide comments about my partnership status are inappropriate.

  Day 185

  Biological Clock

  I trust that I am in exactly the right place.

  The ticking biological clock is a reality. It leads to tremendous anxiety for many women. For women exploring our partnership issues, it can seem like the Universe’s cruel joke that we have to take even more time out to heal when our bodies earnestly signal we are ready to procreate. We are people who have many fears about partnership, however, that need to be worked out. On the other side of our challenges, we vaguely see the outlines of the amazing fruits waiting to be harvested when we let in an emotionally available partner.

  Doing this work does not slow us down. It is the opening to a whole, vast world—the open sesame to a genie’s treasure. This process makes us wonderful parents when the time is right. Today we know that there are many ways to parent children, including fostering and adoption. Now we know that this healing work is ensuring a new world for our children; therefore, we trust that where we are is just fine.

  Just for today, I surrender all worry about where I am in the process of healing my partnership issues.

  Day 186

  Grieving

  I face my grief so that I can let go of it.

  Old relationships that have ended are hard to let go of. We often hold on to the ways a relationship ended; the unavailable person who was so perfect for us if only they would have changed; or that opportunity we missed because of our own partnership issues. Denying grief will not make it go away. In fact, the grieving is a necessary part of healing.

  Today we grieve for that woman we were and still are sometimes. Allowing ourselves to feel the hurt heals us; then we can be done with it. Mourning the woman we once were helps us avoid staying stuck too long in the grief phase, too. Then we walk freely into the sunlight knowing fresh new love experiences are waiting for us.

  I grieve for myself knowing that I am moving toward an emotionally available partner.

  Day 187

  Shame

  I release all shame about my past partnerships.

  “Sin was originally an archery term that meant ‘to miss the mark.’”―Eric

  Life’s too short to hold on to shame. Shame doesn’t do anything for us. Shame can arise in us even when we haven’t done anything wrong. Sometimes it was dishonorable behavior that caused our shame; sometimes it was just the circumstances we were in. No matter what, we grieve for that girl and woman we were in the past. All of us are doing the best we can with the information we have at any given time. What we did made perfect sense for the person we were at that time.

  This is our chance to absolve ourselves of any past shame. By putting our female experience out to the world, we let go of shame because we see that we are not so different from other women. The process of bringing our experiences into light as a female collective empowers us. Every time we decide not to carry shame around with us, we are healing. We didn’t do anything wrong; we simply may have missed the mark. Today we bravely let go of all shame.

  I release myself from the bondage of my shame. Today I love every part of myself, including my past.

  Day 188

  Sneaking

  I look behind my sneaky behavior to learn its lesson.

  Today we know that we no longer have to sneak around in order to get what we need. Our desires are normal and healthy. It is OK to ask for what we need. It is OK to reclaim what is ours by right on this planet.

  Obviously we can never demand anything from another person; however, this may not be the relationship that is right for us if we consistently have to sneak to get our desires met. We can be sure we are stuck when we feel we have to act furtively in order to get what we need from someone, when we feel that if we don’t steal an individual’s attention in sneaky ways that we will not get the attention that we need and deserve, and when we cannot resist the temptation to be underhanded. Anytime we have an inescapable desire to sneak and covertly get what we need, we now turn our attention inward.

  Today I no longer sneak around to get my needs met.

  Day 189

  Amends

  I make appropriate amends.

  Chances are that by the time we are healing our partnership issues we have amends to make to ourselves and to others. We have done things which harmed another person.

  Several guidelines help as we begin to make apologies. Talking to a third party before making amends helps us clarify how to approach the person we need to apologize to. We remember to put ourselves into the shoes of the person we are making amends to, as well. Revealing some things can hurt another person; that is why we are careful. Forgiveness is also essential to the amends process. An apology made too soon, or when the time is not right, can backfire on us. We need to fully forgive the other person and focus on our part. Most importantly, an apology is not enough. We need to act differently with them in the future. Amends require a change in behavior.

  Now we know that making appropriate reparations to ourselves and others frees us. As we release ourselves from the bondage of our past misdeeds, we may even find that some people from our past actually make amends to us!

  Today I get clarity on the amends I need to make and go to people with consideration for all involved parties.

  Day 190

  Transition Times

  I am kind to myself as I transition into a relationship.

  Moving into a new relationship can stir many issues up to the surface. We may greatly desire to be in a partnership; however, transitioning into a relationship takes adjustment. Single status gave us many luxuries that we took for granted. If the person is someone with whom we see a good possibility for true intimacy and positive relating, we now make the decision to move into the relationship. Whether an individual calls us often, wants a lot of our time, or seems needy, we know that being in a new relationship mandates a time of adjustment for us.

  Sometimes we will need a reminder placed here or there of why we enjoy being with this person to reaffirm that we want to be in the partnership with them. Whatever action it takes, today we are kind to ourselves and to our partner as we relate.

  Today I nurture myself as I move into a relationship.

  Day 191

  Ambivalence

  I deal with my ambivalence.

  If we are feeling ambivalent about an individual, it does not mean that we are unable to love on a global level. Feeling ambivalence about a person signals that that we are not ready to commit, that we are emotionally shaky, or that the potential partner we are feeling ambivalence about is not the right individual for us.

  Whatever the ambivalence is telling us, any time that we feel confused about which direction to take with a person signals a wonderful opportunity to get closer to ourselves. Then we have a chance to see wha
t is going on behind the ambivalence. Today we simply use the information coming from our Self. We abstain from beating ourselves up. Emotional availability knows that there is always time for us to make a decision. Now we understand that taking our time to figure out what we need and want leads us to a good relationship.

  Today I know that my ambivalence is normal in the process of healing.

  Day 192

  Comparisons

  I let go of all comparisons.

  Comparing ourselves to other people can get us in trouble. Comparisons do nothing for us. Comparisons position us to be judgmental of ourselves and to slip back into the self-hatred cycle. Comparisons hurt us because we never have a chance to be right-sized. We are only better than or less than. When we compare ourselves to other people with a better career, a great marriage, or a happier childhood, we often fall into the pattern of thinking their lives must be easy. Then we feel that life is unfair.

  Today we let go of all comparisons. When someone seems to have it all, practicing happiness for their good fortune is the antidote to our self-pity. It helps us claim our good from an abundant universe, and helps us take our power back to reach our goals.

  I see myself as equal to others today.

  Day 193

  Worry

  I release all worry.

  “The extent to which I am worried about something equals the extent to which I haven’t let it go.”―Brian S.

  The antidote to worry is letting go; giving the problem less energy, and stepping into the solution of trust, faith, and love. This problem will get worked out in us. All the worry we engage in is just wasting our energy. Whether we are worried about our behavior, our biological clock, or not getting a date for Saturday night, letting go offers us the opportunity to let the solution in.

  Sometimes our culture projects worries onto us, giving us the feeling that we are in for it if we are not at least trying to find a partner. Today, though, we know that letting go is the answer to all of our problems. Once we release our tight grip even a little, the solutions come.

  I let go of all worry today.

  Day 194

  Emotional Baggage

  I release all emotional baggage.

  “Love like you’ve never been hurt.”―Anonymous

  Boy that’s heavy! Let it go! Let it drop! Release all that unwieldy material and all the hang ups about partnership, love, and relationships! Doesn’t it feel good to move freely without all the heavy weight of year’s worth of emotional baggage collected as we moved from relationship to relationship? Hatred, anger, resentment, cynicism, hopelessness—let go of it all.

  Emotionally available people know that traveling light is a skill. Today we practice traveling emotionally light. Now we know that we don’t need to carry negative experiences and bad feelings anymore on our journey. We joyfully let go of it all.

  Today I take a load off of myself as I surrender all excess baggage.

  Day 195

  Parents

  I interact with my parents as I want to.

  “Parents always see us as little children, even when we are 50 years old.”―Martine

  Parents usually mean well, yet it can be challenging to interact with our parents around the issues of partnership. Our parents were expected to get married. Since most of them did what society dictated, they expect the same of us. In our generation, though, the rules changed. We may feel vulnerable around our parents today when mom or dad says, “Why don’t you settle down?” “I really want a grandchild,” or “When are you getting married?” We can feel tremendous pressure from our parents, in addition to the cultural pressure we feel, and what our body is telling us.

  Sometimes setting boundaries with parents or explaining to them in a non-emotional moment why hearing such comments is problematic for us can help. Whatever the situation with our parents, let’s remember we are not alone in having to confront our parents. Whatever course we decide to take with them, today we answer to ourselves.

  I release my parents, and I do what I need to for myself around relationships.

  Day 196

  Self-Hatred

  I abstain from self-hatred.

  Self-hatred is very powerful and ancient in most of us; the desire to beat ourselves up usually started early in our lives. When we were little, we used self-hatred to explain the inexplicable. If a significant person, like a parent, abandoned us or hurt us, we assumed we had done something wrong. The practice of self-hatred developed as a desperate attempt to create a different outcome. We learned that we couldn’t change other people’s behaviors, but we could change our own. We believed that if we just acted differently, or better, then others would love us.

  Now we realize that the tool of self-hatred can’t change anyone else’s behavior. It can’t make a person change, make them love us, or even make us never choose another unavailable person again. In fact, the only power that self-hatred really has is to show us that our issues have kicked up again. The real power of self-hatred is as an indicator that we are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling or are in some uncomfortable situation. Looking behind the distraction of self-hatred now helps us to see what is really going on. Then we let go of the behavior.

  Today I realize that self-hatred can’t change anyone else’s behavior, so I gratefully let go of self-hatred.

  Day 197

  Resentments

  I let go of all resentment.

  Emotional availability is about telling someone how we feel when we don’t know how they will react. Whenever we notice ourselves having conversations in our heads rather than with the person we are envisioning, we can be certain that we are holding onto a resentment that is limiting our ability to love. Stuffing our feelings doesn’t help our relationship; it hurts us. The big draw to “milking a resentment” in this way is that we do not have to go out on a limb and share our hurt feelings with someone. The confrontation we are having in our minds is imaginary, not real. There is no chance for getting laughed at or told we are “making a mountain out of a molehill.”

  When holding onto hard feelings, though, we miss the opportunity to clear the air with our partner and work out the issue. The magic of this healing process is that it helps us to tell the truth with integrity and dignity. When we do that, we let go of resentments at the same time.

  Today I process my resentments. I speak truthfully to my partner.

  Day 198

  Tears

  I know that my tears are healing.

  “If you cry tonight, you will look beautiful tomorrow.”―Petra

  Tears actually sedate us and make pain pass quicker. Wherever possible, it is best for our health to let ourselves cry our tears. As we cry, we get all the emotional energy out of us. Healing is not a quick fix. The process may bring us to tears many times. On our journey, we have lots of love experiences to grieve in a fresh way. Tears are a natural part of the process.

  If we find ourselves crying more than usual and with a greater intensity as we heal, this is normal. The process we are journeying through is significant. We can trust that we are right on target. Although we may be red and puffy now, we will look rested and beautiful tomorrow if we sleep on it. That is the power of tears.

  I honor the natural power of tears today.

  Day 199

  Bitterness

  I release all bitterness.

  Many women in our culture are jaded about partnership. We have experienced difficult interactions with people that seem to reflect the negative cultural fictions about relating. These ideas include believing the hype that women are in the “one down” position in relationships or that there are only a few good potential partners left. For our own healing, it is important now to let go of bitterness because “people can’t commit,” are “only after sex,” or are “inconsiderate.” Believing that potential partners are problematic will ensure that we come into contact with individuals who exhibit these qualities. We no longer want that!

  Now as we make progress, we fin
d that many wonderful, available, kind people exist in our communities waiting to be noticed. Actually those we are encountering are merely symbols of our consciousness. No one is perfect; however, making potential partners into villains is absurd. It is a generalization that negates true reality.

  Whenever something goes contrary to the way we want it to with someone, it may be very hard to see our part in the problem. To get clarity, friends can help point out our bitterness about partnership. Today we get the help we need. Everything is happening for a reason; sooner or later we will see the wisdom of every experience we have with partnering. Today we notice any movement into bitterness, and we courageously let go of it.

  For the next 24 hours, I open myself to the idea that bitterness towards potential partners directly contrasts with the harmony available to me.

  Day 200

  Over-Independence

  I notice when I get over-independent.

  Independence is wonderful; however, sometimes we notice ourselves going to extremes. Over-independence is based on a lack of trust. We worry that our needs will not be met unless we do everything ourselves. We feel we must control every detail; we run ourselves ragged. The opposite extreme is to be overly dependent on another person. When we rely on another person completely, we abdicate our power. Either way we move makes us shaky.

  Today, we know that interdependence relieves us of these extremes. Interdependence is a principle based on sharing and giving that allows us as a society to rely on each other. Interdependence in a partnership allows each partner to give what they are able. Today maintaining our independence while acknowledging our interdependence on our partner yields a functional relationship. Now we get the help we need, when we need it. We notice when we get over-independent.