The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Today I am in balance because I am interdependent.

  Day 201

  Trouble

  I can face trouble with dignity and power.

  Many times on this journey we may slip and fall back into old behaviors. At such times it is easy to get discouraged. We may feel hopeless about resolving our partnership issues. We may feel embarrassed to continue talking about our shaky progress or the last time we “acted out” with a person.

  The miracle of our process is that whenever trouble comes knocking on our door, we get to answer with dignity and profound self-acceptance. We are very powerful beings living out a human experience. This journey is a spiritual experience in human form. Trouble only has the power to shake us up; it won’t topple us. Today we are dignified and powerful as problems surface in our emotional lives. We know that every new day is a chance to practice.

  Today if I experience trouble, I harness all my power to love myself and face my issues.

  Day 202

  The Past

  I release my past.

  Our pasts have generated a lot of regret that holds us back from moving on. Whether we acted out in sexually inappropriate ways with people or missed opportunities to connect with wonderful, available individuals, it is essential for us to review our pasts with compassion for ourselves rather than shame. One suggestion is to calmly look back at our interactions with past partners to determine areas we would like to amend. Seeing ourselves with this type of clarity helps us to locate patterns that need to be changed in us. Then we begin to trust that we are ready to let go of the past.

  Our pasts belong to us; therefore we review our pasts without shame or regret today. As a wise person once said, “Where we are now is exactly the right place.” Today let’s trust that we are on target. Let’s love ourselves as we release our pasts. Then we can move on to a wonderful future with a loving, available person.

  I review my past without shame or regret today. For this day I let go of my past.

  Day 203

  Denial

  I am powerless over my partnership issues.

  “Denial is not a river in Egypt.”―Anonymous

  Most of us have not wanted to admit our challenges; nevertheless, surrender is essential for progress. Being stuck doesn’t make us weak or bad. When we are caught in the web of our partnership issues, we are only receiving a signal that we may need to go deeper into ourselves. By focusing inward, we then become whole, heal completely, recover our natural love abilities, and let in a wonderful relationship.

  Throughout this process of healing, many times we experience strong denial about our part in relationships that do not work out, interactions with people that are painful, and behaviors that confuse us. When we get emotionally shaky like this, it’s usually easier for us to deny that we play a part; after all we are reading this book! Actually, as we progress in our healing, we learn that it is only by admitting that we are powerless over our partnership issues that we heal. Today, with great courage, we admit our relationship challenges.

  Today if I find myself in denial, I acknowledge the truth.

  Day 204

  Infidelity

  I am faithful.

  Many of us fear infidelity because our emotional shakiness may have led to our being unfaithful in past relationships; or we may have been cheated on by a partner who could not show up for us or for the relationship. Whatever our experiences in past partnerships, today we make a decision to walk through our fears of infidelity.

  Infidelity emerges for several reasons in relationships and is a reality; however, the truth is that many potential partners would not even consider playing false with a woman. If we are paralyzed from entering relationships because of our fears of disloyalty on our part or on the part of our partner, help is available. As we heal our issues, the need to cheat and the need to choose people who cheat, diminishes. Now we walk into safe relationships without fear and shame.

  Today I know there are many faithful partners available to me.

  Day 205

  Loneliness

  I pay attention to my loneliness.

  “H.A.L.T.S. Don’t let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or serious.”―Anonymous

  Sometimes it seems like our loneliness will never end. When we get lonely, we have the chance to get close to ourselves. We are being signaled that we want to connect with another person in partnership. Our loneliness actually gives us more clarity about what we want; then we can take the steps to move toward a relationship. We can’t control when we get into a partnership because we have no power over another person; however, acknowledging our need for human connection is powerful.

  In moments of loneliness, reaching out and doing service for other people can help. If we know someone who is having a hard time, we help them. Service takes us out of our loneliness and gives us the opportunity to feel useful; we also realize we are not the only ones hurting. It is important to notice how much we are really reaching out to others when we get lonely, because reaching out to others allows people to help us. Whatever tactic we take to assuage our loneliness today, we pay attention to the underlying desire to connect. When we start to take action in our behalf, the universe races to meet us.

  Today I heed my own call by paying attention to my loneliness.

  Day 206

  Issues/Problems in Relationships

  I process challenges that arise in my relationship.

  Issues and problems come up in every relationship, functional or not. Part of emotional availability is processing issues and problems that surface in the relationship in a positive, effective way. Now as each and every issue or problem pops up in our partnership we ask ourselves three questions: “Why is this issue coming to my attention? What makes me uncomfortable with this problem? How can I look at this experience in a positive way?” When we get a sense of how we are reacting to the issue and a glimmer of what positive action we can take around the problem, we begin to act with more dignity, fearlessness, and compassion.

  Relationships are not easy. Partnerships take a lot of work. Now we know that examining our part, and determining to see the opportunity of every challenge, saves us from blaming our partner.

  Today I fearlessly face the issues and problems in my relationship by asking myself three simple questions.

  Day 207

  Holding On

  I learn from my holding on to a person.

  Although we often hold on to another person in order to feel good about ourselves, holding on to someone else usually backfires on us. When we hold on so much and so tightly to an individual, we do not have a chance to relax and pursue our own interests. Everything becomes about binding this person to us. We fear that one day they will no longer be ours.

  Holding on is not about the moment, though; it is about scarcity. When we hold on we are trapped in fear and extremes. Now as we heal, whenever we find ourselves holding on, we know that our partnership issues have risen up. We tune into the message we are sending ourselves. The real goal of healing is to trust that a person wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them, to know we deserve a good partnership in our lives, and to be relaxed in the present moment. Today we find that if we let a person go even a little, we will see that they want to be with us. In order to get free, we make friends with our pattern of holding on so tightly to others. Then we are released from bondage.

  I know that my issues hold on for good reasons. Today I let them teach me.

  Day 208

  Regret

  I let go of regret.

  Regret is a very slippery place for us. In those moments that we are rummaging around in our pasts, we are not present. When we regret that we missed out on may good love opportunities in the past, many of us forget that even then we were often thinking, “Oh, if only I was back two years ago....” The truth is that satisfaction is always hard to attain unless we are in the moment. When we slip into regret, we are not present. Regret does nothing for us. We cannot go back
to the past.

  The best thing to do when we feel regret is to notice we are feeling remorseful, and identify regret as a detour from resolving our issues. We reconnect to ourselves as soon as possible when we feel regret bubbling up inside of us. Then we move into the present moment and heal. Now we know that this moment is all any of us really have; it is a miracle.

  Today I look within if I am slipping into regret.

  Day 209

  Fear of People/Avoidance

  Other people have no power over me. I am free.

  True healing is about reclaiming our power; when we are free, we are no longer being ruled by other people. Often we have many frightening experiences to look back on, though. Today if we notice we are choosing to sidestep an individual because of our old fears, we check in with ourselves.

  It is always OK to avoid a person; there is no right or wrong when we tiptoe around someone. If we are still running our lives by avoiding people, there is no judgment. Our fears of rejection, of acting out with potential partners, of other people coming on too strong, or of ridicule can stop us in our tracks as we practice interactions. Now we know that admitting our behavior is profoundly helpful. Often sharing what we are doing with someone else lets light into the situation.

  As human beings we have a right to protect ourselves; we also have a right to go anywhere that we want without fear. If we decide we want to go anywhere, and we are sure that we will not be acting out by connecting with an unavailable person, then we know we have enough power today to practice interacting with potential partners.

  Today I notice if I want to avoid someone.

  Day 210

  Rejection

  I let go of my fear of rejection.

  Everyone gets rejected, refused, rebuffed, cast out, thrown back, and/or discarded at some time. It hurts and is painful, but rejection is part of life. The most important thing to understand about rejection is that the person doing the rejecting is only working on limited information. Rejection is not based on something personal about us; it is about the other person. It is a simple lack of perception on that person’s part. We don’t need to educate any person who rejects us or change their mind.

  Now we know that rejection ultimately means is that there is another wonderful partner waiting for us. Even though it may not feel good when we get rejected, today we actually thank all the people with whom it hasn’t worked out. Then we move on to be happy with someone else—an emotionally available partner.

  Today I move on to a new love opportunity when I face a rejection.

  Day 211

  Negative Comments

  I let go of all negative comments.

  Our society so highly prizes “coupledom” that being single can inspire derogatory comments. Even when we are in a couple, we may hear negative comments from others about our partner or our lifestyle choices. Whenever we hear a comment that casts our relationship status in a negative light, these inappropriate and even rude remarks can deeply wound us. On this journey, we learn that not everyone is capable of consideration.

  Today we practice acceptance of other people’s limitations; even when we may feel very vulnerable about our relationship status. Setting boundaries, maintaining tender care of ourselves, and identifying that the person who speaks has the issues helps. Whether we ask that no negative comments about our partnership status be made, or just decide to treat the other person like an invalid with pneumonia, whatever course of action we take is just fine. Now we remember that where we are today is OK.

  Today I identify and release all negative comments about my partnership status.

  Day 212

  Making Waves

  I am willing to make waves.

  Being emotionally available is about telling the truth even when we don’t know how the other person will react. Emotionally available people know that everyone is going to be OK if waves are made, that the relation-“ship” will not sink. Often we have been afraid to make waves with a partner, though. We feared that speaking out might end the relationship. We have had many experiences that seem to indicate that truth telling causes problems and upsets. What we forget is that the people we were involved with in the past were often unavailable. We also fail to realize that we ourselves were less skilled than we are today.

  Now we know that speaking our truth heals a relationship that is capsizing. Honesty enables us to stay comfortable in relationship with an available person. Although making waves takes courage and patience, and we may need support in order to tell someone what we are truly thinking, with practice we get better and better.

  Today I get the support I need to make any necessary waves.

  Chapter Summary:

  Dealing with the tough stuff takes a big commitment to your healing. At this point, take a moment to acknowledge your courage. Dealing with rejection, loss, remorse, and grief presents major challenges. You are doing a great job of healing your partnership issues! Although it is not always pleasurable to have to face up to emotional growth, you have taken a big step forward by facing the hard stuff.

  Right now, notice 3 areas where you have new insight on yourself. For example: Do you cry more now? How do you handle your parent’s comments about your relationship status? Have you forgiven yourself for your past? The most important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself; you are in exactly the right place. No matter what the answer to these questions, you are a miracle.

  Although it is difficult to accept, your partnership issues are trying to help you. The issues hang on until you listen to the messages they are sending. Your issues with partnership are guiding you to a place of profound self-acceptance and emotional maturity. To clearly hear your internal guide, you need to rely on your feelings. The next chapter reveals how this emotional self-reliance always helps you listen to your Self. Then you let go of the unavailable type and choose an emotionally available partner.

  ∙8∙

  Relying On Our

  Feelings

  In this chapter, you will learn how to use your feelings as a guide in intimate relationships. You will discover how to process your feelings effectively, how to listen to the messages you are sending yourself, and how to validate your partner’s feelings. Be kind to yourself as you embrace your emotional being. Your feelings will take you to the rich partnership you crave.

  Day 213

  Feelings

  I understand my own feelings.

  Women traditionally have been told that we are too emotional, hysterical, or over-sensitive. Today we become our own authority. Letting go of society’s messages takes practice; however, it is worth the effort. Now we validate our own feelings. We glory in all of them, even the painful feelings. Feelings always pop up for a reason. In fact, feelings often lead us to concrete information about how we experience a situation or a person. Many of us already have a wonderful connection with emotion.

  When we are emotionally shaky, though, our feeling skills are taken to the extreme. We often feel our feelings well, but then run from these feelings. We immediately hop into obsession, an unfulfilling relationship, or relationship anorexia to distract ourselves from the intensity of our emotions.

  Today we no longer need to run. Now we know it is OK to experience all our feelings. We experience the vital skill of emotional intelligence by owning what we are feeling when we feel it. Now we know that our feelings are telling us something important.

  Today I validate my feelings as I validate myself.

  Day 214

  Movement

  I move into my feelings.

  Moving closer to our emotional selves helps us to work through our feelings. When we get closer to our emotional body, we know ourselves more completely. But it can be challenging to get in touch with our feelings if we don’t have a lot of practice. The good news is that we may engage in many compulsive behaviors that signal we are out of touch with our feelings. Some indicators we have shut down our feelings include: checking our personal email 50-100 times per day, engage
in excessive fantasizing, or dialoging with others in our head.

  The best way to feel our feelings is to do a “feelings check-in” twice a day where we get quiet for a moment. We ask ourselves if we are mad, sad, glad, or afraid. Then when we know how we feel, we respond to this subtle part of ourselves. For example, one woman checked in with herself and realized she was feeling sadness and anger at a man she was dating. She took the time to get centered and process her feelings. Then she took the appropriate action and told him he had hurt her. He felt badly that she was hurting, but told her he was not willing to change his behavior in the future. She then made the decision to release him and has since moved on to a very loving, fun, available partner.

  Emotionally available people know that a movement into our feelings helps us as well as our partners, because when we are in touch with our emotional body we do not project our feelings onto another person. A movement into feelings is a movement toward greater self-responsibility and harmony. Feelings always give us information that we can use to help ourselves figure out what we need. Today we choose to settle into our feelings as we heal.

  In this moment, I love to move into my feelings. I do it for fun.

  Day 215

  Going through My Feelings

  I get help to walk through my feelings.

  We need to figure out what will aid us as we process our feelings. Feelings can be extremely powerful and daunting to walk through. Today let’s remember that none of us is alone; support for our process is available.

  Support is available in many forms: friends, a therapist, a women’s group, family who understand, and even literature about the emotionally unavailable man. We are worth all the effort the process of healing takes. Today we don’t hesitate to get the help we need to walk through our feelings.