The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  We have much to share with other people, but we are sometimes incapable of loving an emotionally available partner when we are stuck. This healing process is about getting out of ourselves and out of the obsessive focus with what is going on in our lives. We were meant to explore the richness of life through sharing our experiences.

  Asking others how they are doing helps us so much; it is amazing how such a simple gesture can connect us to others. When we reach out we learn about others, too. Healing means being emotionally available—so this is a great day to try it! Today if we find ourselves stuck in our own dilemmas, we know that our partnership issues have kicked up and that it is time to get out of ourselves.

  Today I get out of myself and am of help to someone else.

  Day 263

  Fault-Finding

  I abstain from blaming my partner.

  If we are involved with people who consistently hurt us, then we need to take responsibility for the individuals that we are choosing. Our partners are not responsible for our life challenges. While it is true that often a person can complicate our lives for various circumstantial reasons, such as having to travel out of town for a period of time or having challenging family members, our fault-finding will not help the situation. Even if they are acting inappropriately, blaming them won’t have the desired effect.

  If we feel the need to point out someone’s shortcomings to them, chances are that our own issues are popping up. Any urge to find fault with other people signals that we are having an uncomfortable feeling or that we are in an uncomfortable situation. If someone is not right for us, the urge to blame may be signaling that we need to release them. If the urge to find fault feels insincere, we may be trying to deflect love from an available person.

  By taking responsibility for our part in the situation and moving into our feelings when we feel the desire to nitpick someone, we are empowering ourselves. No matter what the message of our fault-finding, only by examining our own part in the relationship do we mend the issue. Today we release blame because it does not feel good to us, it upsets the person we love, it wastes our energy, and it diverts us from where true healing happens―within us.

  Today if I notice a desire to find fault with my partner or people in general, I know that my partnership issues are rising up.

  Day 264

  Legalization

  I legalize all potential partners.

  When we hear the suggestion to try legalizing all people, we may wonder, “What if I go crazy and am with even more inappropriate people? What if I get hurt? What if I don’t like anyone and am alone forever? What if I act out? What if? What if?” Today let’s surrender our fears and give this radical idea a try. We women have been told since we were little girls who is legal and acceptable, and who is not. We learned from various influences: our parents, religions, and the media; however, this is our chance to figure out what person works best for us in partnership. The process of legalizing potential partners is where self-trust is born and nurtured.

  Today we legalize all people, and we do that as we are comfortable. Some of us can dive in and date all types of people now, while some of us may feel more comfortable legalizing one type of person at a time. Whatever way we choose to legalize potential life-mates, the only question to ask as we experience a person is, “How does this individual feel to me?” This is the exploration part of the healing process. All people are legal and of equal value: older, younger, tall, short, rich, poor, thin, heavy, available, and unavailable. Today we know that all potential partners are legal; we determine which types of people are good for us.

  Today I decide that all people are legal.

  Day 265

  Passive-Aggression

  I notice when I am passive-aggressive.

  Passive aggressive behavior manifests as never being willing to give the other person what they want, being consistently late, procrastinating, treating people disrespectfully, controlling, fearing competition, feeling victimized, lying or making excuses, and quietly making it known that something is wrong.

  Noticing when we are being passive-aggressive is the first step to changing this behavior. Then we need to let go of all passive-aggressive behavior. Although this is a tall order, it is possible. Noticing when we are acting passive-aggressively is the first step, which leads to acceptance, and then to releasing it. Now we know that in order to heal our relationship issues, we appropriately express our needs. We show up for our partner consistently, honestly, and on time.

  Today I let go of my need to be passive-aggressive.

  Day 266

  Behavior with Potential Partners

  I love my behavior with people.

  As we journey through the process of healing, it may be difficult to accept our behavior with potential partners. It is always appropriate to increase our repertoire of behaviors with people, but the most important thing is to love who we are. Who we are is just fine.

  When I was healing, I met a man at a party who told me he was traveling to Europe for six months following his graduation. Then he wanted to move out of state. I chose to date him anyway, and was hurt when he followed through on his plans!

  From this I learned that our behavior often says clearly what we cannot say out loud. My behavior was talking. I wanted a relationship; however, I was still scared of getting close. He was a great choice, because I didn’t have to risk real intimacy. He was leaving. When I realized what was really going on, I just noticed my behavior instead of judging myself. Then we ended the relationship. Soon after, I met and fell in love with my husband.

  Now as we heal, we realize that trusting our behavior as it is in the moment is always the best option. Whether we question ourselves, wish we were like other women, or try to control ourselves, everything we do is OK. We are exactly where we need to be in the process of healing. We know that our unique behavior will lead us to the partner who is right for us when the time is right.

  Today I respect every part of my behavior around people.

  Day 267

  Being Who I Am

  I let myself be who I am around potential partners.

  We often attempt to follow someone else’s rules about how we “should” behave in order to get what we wants from a partner; however, today we are our own authority on what works for us in relationships. Many of us have elaborate ideas of what we should do around partnership. We have incorporated a huge body of “wisdom” from various sources. By this time, we act almost exclusively as we think we “should,” rather than in ways that are comfortable and natural for us. Today is the day to give this internal dating guru her notice!

  The only way to heal our issues is to let go of behaviors that have kept us from being real with another person. Who we are is wonderful; pretense is not necessary to attract the person who can meet us beautifully. Being authentic may feel a bit strange at first. We may not be attracting as much attention as we used to; however, those who appreciated all of our externalized feminine wiles never got to know us. Today even if the number of potential partners we attract is less than before, the quality of the individuals will be better. Our match will present themselves.

  Today I honor quality rather than quantity. I am myself around other people.

  Day 268

  Role Playing

  I abstain from playing a role in a relationship.

  In our society, women are encouraged to develop the trait of playacting in relationships. We are taught that we should never show our true self to another person. Leading women’s magazines bombard us with tips and trademarks of womanly behavior that will help us “nab” and keep a partner. What ends up happening, though, is that neither person is ultimately satisfied in the end. One day we begin to shed our false masks; then our partners are surprised because the women they thought they were with are in actuality very different.

  Today we are aware enough to identify the stifling function of role-playing. We see that being who we are is good enough. Although releasing cultural indoctr
ination is hard and takes great courage, the pay-offs yield great dividends. Walking through all of our fears, today we proudly bring ourselves to a relationship.

  Today I take off all masks, and I let go of the safety of a role.

  Day 269

  Teasing

  I abstain from teasing people.

  Teasing signals we have no intention to go further with a potential partner. We want to hold all of their attention to us. We make them a hostage.

  Engaging in the behavior of teasing is always OK, yet we need to be clear that teasing is a function of our partnership issues. Provoking an individual with no intention of following through is a technique used to gain power over someone else; we get our needs met while in the end pushing a person away. Teasing others usually results in their frustration; however, teasing also hurts us because we are not giving ourselves the chance to be truly intimate with someone.

  If teasing is part of our relationship challenges, we become aware of the behavior, get help, and then let go of it.

  Today if I notice that I am teasing a potential partner, I let go of the behavior.

  Day 270

  Stop Signal

  I slow down and go inside my soul to feel my natural stop signal with a partner.

  Now we trust that our desires for fulfillment with a partner will ebb and flow. Healing returns us to that very assured place within ourselves that doesn’t hold on to a person for fear that we will never be able to love them again. We know that there will always be fresh new love experiences for us to participate in.

  In the past, we rarely had any idea when we wanted to stop with an individual or even how to stop. We may have stopped loving a person long before we were satisfied. Our reasons for doing this included being afraid to give our love to them, or feeling that we had to follow some arbitrary societal dictate. Now we know that our partnership issues are about scarcity and lack. When we are stuck, we fear that if we take a breather we will never get to be with this person again.

  Today, although we can not and should not ever try to control what another person does, to the extent that it is possible, we are our own authority. When we are fulfilled in love with another person, we take a breather from them with trust that new love experiences are just around the corner.

  Today I honor my own internal pace. When I am fulfilled, I take a breather.

  Day 271

  Actions

  I trust every action I take.

  There is meaning to all of our actions, even actions that do not appear to make sense on the surface. All the things we do make sense, even if an action isn’t “rational.” If we are pushing away available people and can’t understand why, we trust that our behavior makes perfect sense. If we are still seeking out unavailable individuals, our issue has a message for us. Intimacy may still seem too scary; we may still be afraid that we will get hurt. Trusting all our actions is important. Although we may not always like what we do, our actions give us concrete information about where we are on our journey. Our actions may not get us where we want to go in each and every situation, but the actions do make sense.

  We pay attention by stopping and checking in to see what’s going on in our lives. Often if we are not acting “rationally,” we may have too much going on in our lives to invite a partner in, we may still be grieving past relationships, or we may still be in too much fear. No matter what actions we are taking around partnership; let’s remember that there is no judgment involved in the healing process. Only with information do we move on to acceptance of our progress and to profound change.

  Today I trust all my actions, even the “irrational” ones.

  Day 272

  Men

  I abstain from control around men.

  Men don’t usually regulate their behavior around women. Most men do feel pressure to have a good job, a cool car, and clean clothes; however, men generally allow themselves to be who they are with a woman to a much greater extent than most of us. Today we learn from male behavior and incorporate these wonderful aspects of men into our lives.

  As women, especially today, we are bombarded with cultural messages of how to behave around men. We feel pressure to earn our own money, to have a “perfect” body, to cook well, and to be pleasing toward a man at all times. We have forgotten that it is OK to be who we are with men. Showing the truth of ourselves to a man makes a powerful statement.

  Not every man will respond to us when we relinquish control of our behavior around them, but we only need one wonderful partner. Let’s trust that there is a man out there waiting to see us in all our unique glory; we have exactly what he needs, and he wants to meet us.

  Today I do not control myself or my behavior around a man.

  Day 273

  The Goal

  I examine my goal for healing today.

  When we begin the process of healing, we usually want clear answers as to when we will get to our self-conceived goal. Marriage or partnership is often our goal; however, we can inhibit our progress if we get focused on outcomes. Marriage may take some time to materialize for some of us, or as we move along the path we may decide that marriage is not the way for us to reach our potential in this lifetime.

  Whatever result emerges, the important thing to keep in mind is that the road to resolving our partnership issues is to be respected. Usually we do not see a cultural mirror of our journey; this makes trusting the process very challenging. Today, though, we know that where we are is exactly right. We see that the goal is not as important as the journey.

  Our society is primarily goal-oriented, but healing is not linear; it is holistic. One day at a time, we surrender any future goal and focus on where we are right now.

  Today I decide that my process is more important than my goal.

  Day 274

  Keeping Up with the Jones

  I abstain from trying to keep up appearances.

  “What other people think of me is none of my business.”―Anonymous

  Women sometimes take abuse, neglect, or criticism from partners and try to keep up appearances so that other people will think we are in a successful relationship. The focus on what other people think gets us into a lot of trouble. Many of us have experienced much pain from being with people who seemed to have it all: looks, money, and possessions. Behind the externals, though, and in the center of the relationship, the appearances may have contrasted with reality.

  Now if some people in our lives are not pleased with our choice of a partner or make snide comments because the individual doesn’t fit traditional notions of the “right” person, we let the comments go or set boundaries where appropriate. Today we are our own authority; we make good choices in partners. Now we look beyond the façade, release the obsession with appearance, and choose an emotionally available partner.

  What other’s think of me is none of my business. Today I “let the chips fall where they may.”

  Chapter Summary:

  Letting go of control is the most advanced level of emotional maturity that you have attempted so far; however, you are getting a sense of freedom every time you release your will. At this point, you may be enjoying feelings of relief that you do not have to play any more games. You are learning that trying to change yourself to connect with a partner is destructive and self-defeating.

  Right now, identify 3 ways you are letting go of control. Notice 2 times this month that you stopped yourself from using people to get what you want. Look at 1 way you see your behavior differently. Are you letting yourself be who you are to a greater extent? Do you notice now when you have the urge to hide in relationships?

  Be glad about all your progress. Remember that you are letting go of the control you have held onto for a lifetime. If you experience some bumps in the road, this is normal. The process of growing up on an emotional level is challenging.

  One bump that may occur is that you may be attracting a smaller amount of people than you did before you started this process. Although this is confusing and scary
, be aware that this result is common for women on this path. Do not fear. This simply means that as you are shedding your false masks, you are attracting people who can more adequately fulfill you. They may come in smaller quantities; just remember that you only need one emotionally available partner. That person is patiently waiting to meet you.

  Now that you have let go of control and are open on a deeper level, you are ready to experience the true freedom of your spiritual self. The next chapter outlines the healing that love and spirituality bring to your partnership. Get ready to see how sharing your whole self with a partner lets love in.

  Phase III Summary:

  In Phase III you completed the most difficult part of this journey. You learned to handle and process challenging situations and feelings. You learned how to release control of yourself and others. You also learned how to honor your true self. Now, after all your hard work, you are very skilled at taking care of yourself emotionally. At this point, you are emotionally mature.

  Phase IV will complete your journey to share love with an emotionally available partner. In this last phase, you will learn how to connect with your own spiritual self, how to love another person more fully, and how to celebrate your process. I have also put a chapter on relationships and commitment at the end of Phase IV to offer you support as you maintain an emotionally available partnership; however, finding the relationship that is right for you may happen at any time on the journey. You may already be sharing love with an available person, you may not meet someone until after the year is up, or you may decide that partnership is not your focus now after all. Wherever you are is just fine. I put the relationship chapter at the end of the book so that you do not get attached to partnership as the goal.

  The true goal of this healing process is to love and accept every part of yourself—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When you love every part of yourself, you experience real power and freedom. Then you are ready to love an emotionally available partner. Enjoy every minute of your release. You deserve it!