The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  This process, however, is not about perfection or martyrdom. If we find that we act in a way which is less than honorable with someone, we know that we have an opportunity each day to amend that behavior. We are not saints because we are undertaking this journey. We are simply women among women, humans among humans, who are working to honor ourselves and the person in our lives. Emotional availability knows that there is always another chance to interact lovingly with ourselves and with another person. Today we honor our partner.

  I practice emotional availability today and every day.

  Day 345

  Focus

  I focus on my relationship.

  It’s easy to get distracted in our world. We have thousands of channels on TV, the Internet, work, and physical fitness to distract us from our relationship. In order to have a successful partnership, though, we need to make a decision to give the relationship top priority. Successful partners usually rank their partnership number one.

  Many of us, however, have bought into the fairy tale idea of romance. The idea is that we will meet “that someone special” and live “happily ever after.” We hope that once we find “the right person,” our work is over. We think that after “The One” appears, we can move on to give attention to other areas of our lives. When this doesn’t happen, we feel let down.

  Chasing the dream of that right relationship has been our longtime companion and scapegoat. We may have thought: “If only I could find them, then everything in my life would be OK,” or “It’s because I don’t have a partner that my life hurts so much.” Learning the truth about “happily ever after” is challenging, yet today we give our relationship the focus it deserves. Now we fan the flame of our love every day.

  Today I make my relationship a top priority.

  Day 346

  Sex

  I ask for what I need sexually.

  Asking to have our sexual needs met may not be an issue for all of us; however, releasing whatever emotional baggage we have around sex can only increase our pleasure in the bedroom. Many of us still feel guilt for having sex before marriage, shame about bleeding on our menstrual cycles, and fear about sharing our needs and desires with a partner. The classification of women as either mothers or whores has lead to uncertainty in sexually intimate situations for many of us. We may also be used to pleasing our partner while deferring our own pleasure.

  Now we know that it helps another person please us when we clearly state what we want. Today we get whatever support and instruction we need to communicate with our partner. (See the Bibliography for resources.) Emotional intimacy is pleasurable when we let go of our fears. Now we enjoy our sex lives. We know that we deserve to get what we need and want from sex.

  Today I ask for what I need.

  Day 347

  Nurturing

  I nurture myself.

  Today we nurture ourselves. We are incredibly special and precious. We deserve good things. If we experience a lot of emotion today as we partner, we take care of ourselves appropriately. If we need to be alone, we take the space we need. If we need connection with other people, we take the steps to get our needs met.

  Healing is a process of getting closer to that loving, nurturing being inside of us. Loving ourselves then gives us the ability to care for our partner. The deep, sacred place inside of us knows how successful partnerships work. Our inner Self knows what we need. She is available to nurture us and the person in our lives anytime.

  Today I do whatever I need to do in order to nurture myself.

  Day 348

  Money

  I demystify money.

  Money, just paper and metal, is simply a means of exchange. Real wealth is goods and services. Money is only a means to an end, yet in our culture money takes on great significance. Because money is so important, financial issues between partners can present the number one contributor to relationship challenges.

  Many of us do not even like to talk about money with our partner. We fear that our financial position will turn our partner off, either because we have debt or because we make a lot of money. Money issues can seem to keep us in a catch-22. If we have money, that is an issue; if we don’t have money, that is also an issue. If we have our own unresolved money issues, we may be attracted to a person who has not yet worked out their issues either. Getting to know a person’s financial situation when the time is right is appropriate. We deserve a financially and emotionally available partner. We must take the steps every day to be that person, too.

  Making financial decisions together is crucial for a healthy relationship. Some women feel comfortable handling our own money, others feel comfortable having our partner manage the money, and some of us favor jointly managing the finances. Money can be managed in a variety of ways. No matter what route we take in our relationship, it is OK. In the end, though, we acknowledge that money is here to serve us. Now we talk about money in healthy ways within our partnership.

  Today I decide how I want to manage money. I clearly communicate with my partner when the time is right.

  Day 349

  Giving

  I give and receive unconditionally.

  Giving unconditionally can be very difficult for us. In the past, we often gave with the secret hope that another would love us or act appropriately because we were giving them a gift. These conditional gifts have put us in a state of “love poverty.” Conditional gifts have strings attached; it is the sacrificial martyrdom of doing for others with expectations of what we demand in return.

  The answer to this quandary is to give unconditionally. To give unconditionally means letting go of our partner’s response, releasing our attachment to what they choose to do with our gift, and opening ourselves to receive unconditionally. Unconditional giving is not a trade or a bargaining attempt, however. Healing our partnership issues means giving without any expectation of getting back. It means being open to receive abundance.

  Today I let go of my attachments to any gift I give my partner.

  Day 350

  Loving

  I love slowly and gratefully.

  Taking our time to love someone is a rare experience. Our partnership issues are about selfishness and urgency. When we are stuck, we are not able to truly cherish those about us. We often are caught up in an external drama that is not about the relationship, such as work or family concerns. Then we are not present for our partner.

  Similarly, we may be stuck in old fears or engaged in future tripping. We may think thoughts such as, “I might be abandoned,” or, “I won’t be able to cope if my partner leaves me.”

  Loving slowly and gratefully is the antidote to such fears. Slow, grateful loving puts our focus back into the present moment. Going slowly with an individual allows us to revel in our partner; to love every aspect of that person, and to be grateful to have them with us. Today we explore the touch, taste, sound, smell, and sight of our partner. We thank our Higher Power for this wonderful moment of love.

  Today I love to take my time with a person.

  Day 351

  Progressing

  I progress with a partner.

  “Just do the next right thing.”―Anonymous

  We often run when someone wants to progress in a relationship. Whether a person is available or unavailable often makes no difference. It can be humbling for us to look back on all the missed opportunities with people who wanted to move forward with us. For example, when one woman started this process, she realized that she had shut out two available people in the last year. Then she was tempted to hate herself. Instead, she worked on her intimacy issues with the help of these principles and with a trained therapist. Now she is happy with a kind, available partner.

  Like her, instead of beating ourselves up, let’s face the facts and realize that we want to change. Knowledge is power. Today we progress with a partner. If an appropriate person wants to move forward with us, and we feel love for them, today we do the next right thing. We walk through our fear as a mature adul
t with a Higher Power, the support of a therapist, or loving friends. Doing the next right thing takes courage, yet we can do it!

  Today I love to progress with a partner.

  Day 352

  Responding

  I hear my partner and bounce something back to them.

  We were often not taught how to play fair in relationships. We are sometimes selfish; we deafen ourselves to the needs of a partner. Our needs become paramount. We may not even hear what our partner is saying. Being emotionally available means really listening to what another person says, though. Then we need to respond to them.

  Responding may take a tremendous amount of work for us; just remember that as we read this book we are getting better and better. Let’s trust in our process this day, practice hearing our partner, and give them a response. Today we know that availability is about being present and available to respond. We know that we are capable of “bouncing the ball back” to the person in our lives.

  Today I play fair with my partner.

  Day 353

  Validation

  I validate my partner.

  “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”―Jesus Christ

  Everyone enjoys ego-strokes. For women struggling with our own fears of partnership, though, validating our partner can be hard. One woman felt so happy being with her partner that she thought her heart would burst. Even though she felt so full of love, she was afraid to tell the truth. One day, she took a big breath and told her love how she felt. Her partner was thrilled! Like this woman, we can be honest with our partners. Letting go of all our fears, taking the time, and mustering the energy to validate our partners may take some practice; yet it is possible.

  Spending some quiet time reflecting on the well-grounded reasons for our being with someone helps us. Once we are clear about our connection to another person, we more easily express our love for them. With daily practice as we heal, we are getting better and better at validating the person in our lives.

  For this day only, I share what I find meaningful and relevant about a potential partner.

  Day 354

  Rights

  I have the right to my own time and my own life.

  Resolving our partnership issues means that we reclaim our own lives and time. Today we use our limited time wisely. When a potential partner wants more time than we feel comfortable giving them, we look closely at ourselves and at the partnership. If we find that a person’s needs are valid, then we amend our behavior and let go of some external commitments that may be consuming us. We come into balance by being more physically and emotionally available.

  If we feel that they are asking for us to give up more than we are comfortable with or are able to let go of, that is another thing. We may feel we cannot or do not want to give more of ourselves to the relationship. At that point, negotiation and boundary setting can be helpful tools. Whatever course we take in our partnerships, today we hold our own time, and time with our partner, in balance.

  Today I know that my relationship has room for my own time and my own life.

  Day 355

  Blessing My Partner

  I bless this person.

  Women have very intense, complicated relationships with people. We are constantly fed a great array of information that castigates others. People are not villains, though; in fact, human beings are to be venerated. Our partners deserve to be loved for more than the traditional qualities we were taught to admire. Today we love others not because they are great providers; now we clearly see that they are blessed simply because they inhabit this beautiful earth with us. What a concept!

  When we are with our partner, we actually revere them as a precious creation in the world just like us. They are a gift from the universe. Loving them is a blessed occasion. Now we know that by re-conceptualizing what love means to us, we heal ourselves, our partners, and our world.

  Today I see love experiences with my partner as a wonderful way to truly honor life.

  Day 356

  Responsibility

  Responsibility equals the ability to respond.

  Being an equal partner feels good, yet we may fear responsibility. In our past relationships, many of us were incapable of responding to our partners. Now when a person asks a question or raises an issue, we reply; we give feedback in answer. We match a partner each step of the way in a relationship. However, the responsibility of being an adult and “bouncing the ball back” to another person can be very uncomfortable for some of us. It may still seem easier to just not respond. If we put two and two together, though, we see that responsibility equals the ability to give feedback to our partner.

  The more practice we get at taking responsibility for our role in the relationship, the more closeness and love we participate in. Today we are capable of responding appropriately to a partner. We re-conceptualize responsibility as a joy that we lovingly attend to in our partnership each day.

  Today I respond to a potential partner for fun.

  Day 357

  My Opinion

  I voice my opinion in front of others about things outside of myself.

  “My therapist told me to read the newspaper every day and to let my partner know how I feel about current events.”―Tami

  Our partnership issues work in extremes―we either scorch someone with our opinion, or we are unwilling to let them know what we think. Being available means that we let other people see us; however, many of us get so overwhelmed by outside events that we shut down to anything that doesn’t directly concern us. We also may fear that no one will be interested in our opinion.

  Today we acknowledge that shutting down and wondering why we should bother to tell our partner how we experience life is evidence of our partnership issues. We know that letting someone see us is gift that we give to them. Being visible is a choice to be emotionally available. With great courage, today we reveal ourselves.

  Today I tell my partner how I experience external events.

  Day 358

  All Is Well

  I have a loving, harmonious relationship with my partner. All is well.

  Our society revels in drama. We often hear about relationships that are going through changes, strife, and problems. We don’t usually hear about partnerships that are progressing smoothly.

  Now, whenever we are obsessing on our relationship when that is not called for, when we are bored, or when dramas play out in our heads when things are actually fine, we know that something else is going on. By delving into our feelings, we discover the real source of our anxiety. Then we choose to see the harmony in our relationships.

  Today we entertain ourselves without drama. We check in with safe friends or seek professional help to let go of anxiety. Making a choice to be in harmony can be very uncomfortable for us, but we can do it.

  I abstain from all obsessive thoughts and dramas about my relationship that play out in my head today.

  Day 359

  Future Plans

  I include my partner in my future plans.

  When we are stuck in our fears, we leave another person out of our future plans. We do this because we believe no one will ever stick around. We think that we must protect ourselves from abandonment. We may also exclude them because they are too needy, available, or eager; we don’t want to be “smothered!”

  Now we know that healing our partnership issues is about balance. Healing calls for letting appropriate people in when the time is opportune and making a decision to stay together if the fit is right. Healing is characterized by giving an available person an indication that we will hang in there awhile. We do not have to commit for eternity, yet we do need to let a significant person know that we see a place for them in our future plans.

  For this day only, I link my future with that of my partner.

  Day 360

  Moving Forward

  I take a forward course of action with a partner.

  “Just do the next right thing.”―Anonymous

  Many of
us have resisted taking the next step with a partner. When our partner wanted to move forward, many of us have sabotaged the relationship. We have hung back, or actually fled the partnership. The reasons we have declined to move forward were sometimes because we knew we shouldn’t be in the relationship. Most often, though, we held back because we feared we would lose ourselves if we committed to our partner.

  Whatever we choose to do with our partner is OK, progressing or holding back; however, today we know that moving forward with them is necessary if we love them. If we need support to move to the next level with our partner, now we get help. (See the Bibliography for ideas.) Healing is about walking through our fears and taking the next right action. Today we know that progress feels good. It moves us closer to our partner, not further away from ourselves.

  I love to progress with my partner today.

  Day 361

  Asking for What I Want

  I state the quality of relationships I want.

  The common theory in our culture is that a woman who asks for what she wants threatens people. Real relationships take honesty, though. A woman who doesn’t state her truth often ends up in unfulfilling relationships. That is the ultimate threat to our well-being. Our partners also suffer when we are unclear about what we need.

  Now knowing that our happiness radiates out to everyone helps us decide in favor of joy. Instead of making another person play guessing games, today we state what we need in a relationship. Not everyone will meet us when we ask for what we want, yet we can trust that there are people who want to hear our truth. Now we have the ability to understand timing as well; therefore, in an opportune moment we ask for what we want in a relationship.