The Emotionally Available Partner
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Today I release all fear about how others will react. I state the quality of relationships I want.
Day 362
Emotional Responsibility
I accept the emotional responsibility of a relationship.
“Adulthood is overrated.”―Marina
It isn’t always pleasurable to have to be an adult. We face many demands. Relationships take lots of investment. Being intimate with a partner takes work; it is a large commitment. Because we sometimes shy away from doing work, showing up, and being accountable, we forget that intimacy is worth the effort. By gaining some clarity about what our partnership issues are doing to us, though, we see that our immaturity hurts us. It keeps us from the relationship we want; we wouldn’t be reading this book if it didn’t.
The choice to be in relationship with an emotionally available partner means that every day we are answerable for our part. With courage and trust, today we accept the challenge of being accountable for all our feelings. Now we gratefully do the work of being an adult.
For the next 24 hours, I am open to being responsible in a relationship.
Day 363
Expectations
I live up to the realistic expectations of my partner.
When we are stuck, we either expect far too much from ourselves in relationships or we try to get away with substandard treatment of another person. Usually we have no idea what is practical in partnerships. For example we may expect 100% from our partner 24/7. This is not realistic. Giving 80% is the realistic percentage we learn now. No human can give 100% in a relationship.
Whether we talk to a counselor, a trusted friend, or a spiritual advisor, we determine what is realistic in our relationship. We do not abuse or criticize ourselves for the ways that we have been acting; however, we live up to our partner’s expectations if they make sense.
Today I get clear and balanced to determine realistic expectations for a relationship.
Day 364
You Can Count on Me
My partner can count on me.
“Suit up and show up.”―Anonymous
Our partnership issues take the form of not being able to show up for tough situations. We may have truly wanted to be there for our partner; however, our own selfishness, self-consciousness, and/or anger have blocked our ability to be counted on in the past.
Today we know that learning to be present is essential. The process of healing our relationship issues means that we suit up and show up for our partner. Then, as we practice showing up, we experience how good it feels to release from our own issues for the good of the partnership. We learn that the power of giving to another person provides us with great pleasure.
For today, I am a person to be counted on.
Day 365
Marriage
I know that marriage is a decision made by two people to live as partners.
Marriage is a social institution that formalizes the decision of two people to live together. In our society, marriage takes on tremendous significance because it is a legal or religious ceremony that signifies connection.
Marriage is a cultural obsession. People feel very strongly about marriage. Marriage is either outdated and a pain, or it is essential for a well-lived life. We may have many ideas about marriage; we may fear it or crave it. Marriage in itself, however, is basically just a formal decision of two people to live together.
Today we give marriage less power. We know that marriage in itself is simply a symbol of the decision made by two equal partners.
Today I demystify marriage by realizing that it is a merger of two adult people.
Chapter Summary:
Now you have a better understanding of the work that goes into a committed relationship. Just because you have made it this far doesn’t mean that you are a heroine, a princess, or a saint, though. This is the journey of everywoman. You are a woman among women. At this point you accept that things are not always blissful in your emotionally available partnership. You see that ups and downs are normal.
If you are in a relationship, be kind to yourself. If you make a “mistake” and are tempted to judge yourself at any time, think about where you were when you started this process. Look at all of your progress toward commitment. Remember that there is always another chance to love your partner well.
If you haven’t found your life-mate at this time, don’t despair. Ask yourself questions instead of wondering when it will happen for you. Ask: “What can I do to let go of my obsession with finding a life-mate? What can I do to start to live my life right now? What are some ways I can take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually?”
Now you know that when you let go of the constant worry of finding and keeping a mate, then you make room for the energy needed to take care of yourself. Being with an emotionally present person takes a lot of work. It is scary; however, the pay-offs are great. No matter where you are in your process of letting love in, by making it to this point you have accomplished a great deal. Your work is worthwhile. You are now on the other side!
Phase IV Summary:
Congratulate yourself on a truly amazing year! You have come far on your journey to release your partnership issues. During this phase you have learned how to love the spiritual part of yourself, how to celebrate your successes on this journey, and how to commit powerfully to a relationship. You are now enjoying true power and freedom.
At this point you find that you have more faith in yourself. You know that even if your partnership does not work out, you will be taken care of. You experience your personal worth, no matter what your partnership status. You esteem yourself—with or without a partner. You love every part of yourself, and you love others.
As you finish Phase IV and conclude this book, give yourself the recognition you deserve. You are a powerful, free woman. Remember that your example speaks to the millions of women still struggling with their partnership issues. Your freedom frees others. Share what you have learned. Embrace yourself. Most importantly, have fun! An emotionally rich partnership is your birthright. In this moment, applaud all your progress to letting in the love of an emotionally available partner. You are ready for love!
Conclusion
A few years ago a book titled The Rules came out. The Rules supplies women with complete instructions for finding and nabbing a partner. It is appealing because it offers a “formula” for women searching for “The One.” National women’s magazines, newspapers, advertisements, and many other books piggyback on the relationship “formula” presented in The Rules. All of these powerful influences provide women with relationships tricks and trademarks that make “the prize” seem easy to attain, and what woman doesn’t want that? The only catch is that women need to pretend to be someone we are not. But what’s so challenging about that when we women have already been taught to hide our true selves from the world forever?
The Emotionally Available Partner: A Journey to True Love offers an antidote to hiding ourselves. As we journeyed through this book, we learned in stages about ourselves, about other people, about emotional maturity, and about the power and freedom of overlooking the seductive relationship “formula.” As a result, we have discovered that we are already the emotionally available partner that we seek; that we integrally know how to love naturally; and that we let love in every time we are true to our Self. At this point, we know that women do not need to pretend to be someone else in order to love a great partner well. We also know that if we do pretend, sooner or later our masks slip. Most importantly, we know that we already have an internal guide who doesn’t need pretense.
Relationships are a feminist issue. Our journey has led us to understand that the denial of our true selves as women in relationships is not effective, appropriate, or pleasurable. We have discovered that each time we deny our true selves, ignore our intuition, make partnership more important than self-care, and falsely represent ourselves to potential partners, we are vanishing. We don’t want to vanish anymore. We want to enjoy o
ur power—the power of being a woman who knows herself completely. Even though it has been a hard journey, our challenges in intimate relationships have brought us closer to ourselves. Through healing our partnership issues, we have accessed our feminine power.
Now we make powerful choices about what we want. Not every woman craves a relationship. Not every woman wants to be in partnership with an emotionally available person; however, The Emotionally Available Partner: A Journey to True Love tells those of us who do that we already have within all that is needed to sustain a healthy relationship. We understand that we do not need to hide our magnificence any longer. We do not need to deny our truth. We also do not need to give up and pretend that we really don’t want to partner. We have a choice—the choice to do what works for us.
After our year of diligent work, we know a lot more about how to let in an emotionally available partner. We have learned how to recognize red flags, how to listen to our intuition, and how to honor wherever we are in our process. Now we choose partners who meet our needs. We listen to our own “rules.” We are free. We are the emotionally available partner.
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