A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  She’d been so busy working out how to protect the girls, debating whether she could really take on Eve’s identity that she’d managed to push the thoughts that her sister was dead out of her mind.

  Not now. Sean’s warmth, his comforting embrace brought it all out.

  Giant tears wracked Leah’s body as she clung to Sean. Eventually, he pulled away, wiped her tears with his finger and forced a weak smile to his face.

  ‘Oh, babe, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this happened.’

  She could only nod. The lump in her throat was preventing words.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Her sister’s husband’s eyes searched hers. ‘Are you in a lot of pain?’

  Leah shook her head, finally managing a few words. ‘Not too much. My arm throbs a bit and I’ve got a cracking headache, but other than that, if I don’t move too much, I feel fine.’

  Fresh tears welled in Sean’s eyes. ‘Thank God. I don’t know what I would do…’ His voice cracked. ‘Or how the girls would cope, if it had been you. We couldn’t survive without you, Eve. I’m so, so sorry.’

  She took another deep breath. His words helped confirm she’d made the right decision. The grief of losing their mother would change the girls forever. Her act was not for self-gain. It was for them. She only hoped she could pull it off. ‘Who’s looking after them?’ she asked.

  ‘My parents.’

  Leah nodded. His parents. She’d only met them a few times. His mother was June and father Abe. Nervous energy coursed through her. How well did Eve know them?

  She’d be expected to know things about the family that she didn’t know. Thank goodness for the knock to her head, she had the feeling she’d need to play on that.

  ‘The doctor said they wanted to keep you in for at least one more night. Would you like me to bring the girls in to see you?’

  ‘Yes, please. I think I should tell them about Leah. Tell them what happened and how much she loved them.’

  ‘I can do that,’ Sean said.

  She gave him a small smile. ‘Let’s do it together. I think they’re going to need both of us.’

  Surprise flickered in Sean’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, but it was definitely there. Was he surprised she’d want to tell the girls, or that she thought they should do it as a team?

  ‘Do you know if my parents have been told yet?’ she asked.

  He squeezed her good hand. ‘I think the police told them. The doctor suggested the police would be bringing them in to the hospital. I’m not sure if they need to identify her.’

  Leah closed her eyes. Her poor, poor parents. ‘They can’t see her.’ Her voice cracked and more tears rolled down her face. ‘She was a mess, Sean. Blood everywhere. She…she took off her seatbelt. Wanted to jump out. She thought there was a lake at the bottom.’ She opened her eyes. ‘Why would she do that? We were rolling down the hill so fast.’

  ‘It was her survival instinct, I guess,’ Sean said, his voice gentle. ‘Perhaps she thought it was her only chance.’

  ‘And it killed her. She might still be alive if she hadn’t done that.’

  He urged her to him once more.

  She closed her eyes again, the warmth of his embrace bringing her a sense of safety.

  Sean leaned back. His tear-filled eyes meeting hers. ‘Eve, I’m so sorry about what I said last night. So very sorry.’ He continued. ‘I was angry, I didn’t really mean all of those things.’

  Eve had said Sean was being a prick. She swallowed. Another reason Eve couldn’t be dead. It would be awful for Sean to have to live with that as his final memory. His final conversation—or shouting match—with his wife.

  With her good hand she squeezed his. ‘It’s okay. It’s not important now.’

  ‘But …’

  His words were interrupted. The door opened and her parents stepped in.

  Her mother was wiping her eyes with a tissue, her father pale faced, his eyes red-rimmed.

  They both looked like they’d aged ten years since she’d seen them on Thursday.

  Sean stood and wordlessly embraced Peggy first, then Bill.

  More tears ran down Leah’s face as she watched them. Her mother was the first to move to her bedside. She took her hand and sat in the chair next to her bed.

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ was all she could manage.

  Her mum tried her best to give a smile, but instead her face contorted with grief. She closed her eyes for a brief second then re-opened them.

  ‘Thank goodness you’re alive, Eve. I couldn’t bear it if it had been both of you.’

  The pain in her mother’s face was beyond anything she would’ve imagined.

  ‘And the girls.’ Her mother shuddered at the mention of Eve’s daughters. ‘It’s going to be devastating enough to tell them that Leah’s gone, but if it had been you too, I can’t even begin to imagine.’

  ‘Neither can I,’ her father said, moving over to them. ‘The accident has taken our beloved Leah, but God spared you. He knew that you were still needed here.’

  Leah nodded. Her father’s faith would ensure he made sense of the accident and got through it. Her mother wasn’t as devoted. On this occasion she was glad her father had that higher belief. The words of both of her parents helped reinforce she was doing the right thing.

  Sean remained at a distance during the exchange between Leah and her parents, but now he moved back and sat on the edge of the bed.

  ‘Babe, while your parents are with you, I might go home and check on the girls. I need to let my parents know what’s happening and see if they can stay until you come home. Are you sure you want me to bring the girls in?’

  A lump rose in her throat. Telling the girls was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done and on top of that, would they see through her act?

  Oh God, what a nightmare.

  Sean squeezed her hand. ‘It’s going to be rough but we don’t have to do it today. Have a day of rest first.’

  ‘No, I’ll be okay. Why don’t you go home and try to get some sleep?’ She gave him a small smile. ‘You look exhausted. Come back with the girls this afternoon. We’ll tell them together then.’

  ‘There are a lot of other people to get in touch with,’ her father said. ‘Family, friends, Leah’s work.’ His voice broke, and he wiped at his eyes. ‘How on earth are we supposed to do all that?’

  A lump lodged in her throat as her sister’s husband left her bedside and went and put an arm around her father.

  ‘Leave it to me, Bill. There’s no hurry. We can’t change anything now. How about, after I bring the girls this afternoon, I drop them back with my parents and come over to see you and Peggy? If you prepare a list, I’ll make the calls.’

  ‘Really? You’d do that?’

  ‘Of course,’ Sean said. ‘Not knowing a lot of the people will make it easier for me than it would for you.’

  Her father pulled Sean to him. ‘Thank you, son, you’re a good man.’

  He was right. Sean was a good man. Eve had been lucky. Her time on earth might’ve been far too short, but at least she had the best while she was here.

  Her sister’s husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek, said his goodbyes to her parents, and promised to be back around three with the girls.

  Leah watched as her husband walked out of the hospital room, his head drooping down the moment he thought he was out of sight.

  ‘You’re very lucky, Eve,’ her father said. ‘He’s a good man.’

  Peggy nodded, her eyes searching Eve’s. ‘Very good. I think you need to remember that sometimes.’

  ‘I know he is.’ Her eyes filled with tears looking from her mother to her father.

  Eve was dead, never coming back. In an instant their family had changed forever.

  Sean opened the door of the Mercedes and slipped in to the warmth of the cream leather interior. He sat, unable to move, for a few minutes. Eve had said to forget about what he said. That it didn’t matter now, but how could he forget?

&nb
sp; He’d never spoken to her like that before. Never been so venomous with his words. She’d had a terrible accident, quite likely the result of her anger at him and the glass of wine she’d thrown back like it was a shot. Her reaction time would definitely have been less. If he’d said nothing, would she have seen the kangaroo earlier? Been able to stop? Saved her sister’s life?

  The magnitude of what he’d done to Leah, to her family and to all those who loved her, including himself, was almost too big to bear.

  The car purred to life while he clicked his seat belt in. Sean was going to have to pull himself together.

  He made his way down the winding exit ramps and out onto the main road. The next step would be telling his parents, then the girls later that day, before helping Bill and Peggy make the phone calls.

  He took a deep breath. He owed it to all of them to be strong. To help them through this.

  Mid-morning, Leah suggested her parents go home and try to rest. They’d both been woken in the early hours and that, combined with their shock and grief, had left them exhausted.

  Her own guilt rose within her over the accident, and looking at her parents’ distraught faces made her feel worse. She’d been the one driving.

  Leah had glanced across at Eve for a brief second before the kangaroo had jumped out in front of them. If she’d had her eyes on the road, she might’ve seen it in time to brake or swerve in a more controlled manner.

  Eve had asked her to drive to keep them safe. The request played on a loop in her head; it wouldn’t leave her alone.

  After Sean had left, she’d had nurses and doctors come in to see her. Been poked and prodded. It was a minor distraction each time from her parents’ grief, but also exhausting. She needed rest. Leah needed to gather her energy and thoughts before Sean returned with the girls.

  Tears flowed again as her parents said their goodbyes. Her mother hugged her, not wanting to let go. Eventually her father separated them and guided her out of the room.

  Leah closed her eyes when she was alone again. Images of the accident, the screaming, the blood, Eve’s lifeless body, ran through her mind.

  She tried unsuccessfully to clear things away. It appeared sleep was going to be too difficult. Instead Leah tried to focus on the girls and what she was going to say to them. For once, she was glad of her father’s faith.

  She’d draw on that and hopefully get the girls to believe their aunt had gone somewhere beautiful and would always be watching over them.

  Her fatigue got the better of her and she fell into a fitful, dream-filled sleep.

  Sean fell into his mother’s comforting embrace as he let himself in through the front door.

  His father’s footsteps hurried down the passageway.

  ‘How is she, love?’ she asked.

  Guilt and tears overcame Sean. He buried his face in his mother’s shoulder. He felt her tense while she rubbed his back. He hadn’t rung from the hospital, so at this stage they had no idea what’d happened. He sniffed and tried to pull himself together.

  He leaned back. ‘Sorry, it’s all been a bit of a shock.’ Sean looked up the stairs, half-expecting Harriet or Ava to appear at any second.

  ‘We dropped the girls at school a couple of hours ago,’ his father said. ‘Harriet reminded us they had their drama workshop this weekend. We told them you’d gone into work early, which was why we were here.’ He checked his watch. ‘I have to pick them up at two. Why don’t you come and sit down, tell us how Eve is?’

  He followed his parents into the living room. ‘She’s going to be fine. A broken arm is the worst of the injuries. She’ll be able to come home tomorrow. They want to keep her in overnight again to keep an eye on her concussion.’

  His mother smiled. ‘Oh, what a relief. We’ve been so worried.’

  Sean couldn’t return her smile.

  ‘What’s wrong, son?’

  He was drawn into his father’s trusting eyes. The older man would be horrified if he knew how Sean had spoken to Eve the night before. How his words might’ve caused the accident. Sean cleared his throat. ‘Leah was in the car with her. She—’ His voice broke. 'She died.’

  His mother’s gasp brought more tears to his eyes.

  ‘Oh, son.’ His father ran his hand through his thinning hair. ‘How is Eve taking this?’

  ‘She’s in shock. The accident was horrific. Eve tried her best to keep Leah alive. They said she’d done CPR for around ten minutes with the agony of her broken arm. She’s had a pretty rough time.’

  ‘The poor girl,’ his mother mumbled. ‘And her poor parents. The poor, poor things.’

  Sean stood. ‘I think I might go and have a quick shower and a lie-down if that’s okay. If you want to go home, I’ll be fine. I’ll pick the girls up from drama and take them to see Eve.’

  ‘Won’t you need us here for the girls tonight?’ his mother asked. ‘You might want to go back to the hospital to see Eve on your own later?’

  He remembered his promise to Bill and Peggy that he would help them with the phone calls. ‘That would be great, thank you.’

  His mother drew him to her and hugged him tight. ‘Eve’s okay, Sean. She’s alive. The girls still have their mother. Dealing with Leah’s death is going to be difficult for all of you, but you’ll get through this.’

  Sean nodded. Tears rolled down his cheeks at his mother’s touch and words. He pulled away. While he appreciated it, he didn’t deserve to be comforted.

  Leah kept glancing at the clock above the door of the hospital room. It was already three. Sean and the girls would be there any minute. She’d rehearsed what she planned to say at least a hundred times.

  She kept reminding herself what she was doing was for the good of the girls. They’d be upset, but their lives wouldn’t be destroyed as they would’ve been if they knew their mother had died.

  Oh, Eve. Tears welled and spilled. She’d been so consumed with working out how she’d fool everyone into believing she was Eve, for a moment she’d distracted herself from her own loss.

  At ten past three, the door opened and Leah’s breath caught.

  Harriet and Ava looked tiny as they hesitantly came inside. Their eyes were wide. She could only imagine what they were seeing.

  She’d had a shock looking in the mirror earlier. Her face was a swollen and bruised mess.

  Sean placed a hand on each of their shoulders and guided them towards her bed.

  A tear ran down Leah’s cheek. They were so beautiful. So innocent. They didn’t deserve any of what was happening.

  ‘Don’t cry, Mummy,’ Harriet said.

  Luckily one twin was dressed in pink, so Leah knew immediately that was Ava.

  Harriet wouldn’t be caught dead in anything pink. The little girl presented a flower from behind her back. ‘We’ve brought you presents.’

  A lump formed in Leah’s throat. It was going to take some getting used to hearing her nieces call her Mummy. She patted the bed. ‘Come and sit up here, I need a hug. I need you on this side so I can use my good arm.’

  Sean helped the girls up onto the bed and she wrapped her arm around them both. More tears ran down her face.

  ‘Why are you crying, Mummy?’ Ava asked. ‘Are you sore? Does your arm hurt?’

  ‘A bit. But it’s my heart that’s sore right now.’ She glanced across at Sean, who nodded his encouragement.

  He moved closer to the girls, putting his hands on their shoulders again.

  ‘Did you hit your heart on something?’ Harriet asked. Her little face crunched in confusion. ‘I didn’t know that was possible. We learnt at school that your ribs protect your heart. Did you break them?’ Her eyes widened. ‘Oh, no! Are they poking into your heart?’

  Leah shook her head and took a deep breath. ‘No, darling, it isn’t that. Something very sad happened. That’s why my heart is hurting.’ She stopped. For all her rehearsing, the words caught in her throat. She looked to Sean for help.

  He made the girls face him; hands still
on their shoulders. ‘Your Aunty Leah was in the car with Mummy when they had the accident.’

  ‘Did she break her arm too?’ Ava asked.

  Sean shook his head. ‘No honey, but she was hurt. She was hurt so badly the doctors couldn’t fix her.’ His voice quivered, and he squeezed his eyes shut momentarily. He cleared his throat and opened his eyes. ‘Very sadly, she died.’

  Leah’s gut contracted watching the two girls stiffen.

  Their dad pulled them to him, his tear-filled eyes meeting hers over their heads.

  Muffled sobs could be heard coming from his chest where the two little girls had their heads buried. They’d never dealt with death before, so Leah wasn’t confident they’d understand what it meant.

  Harriet shrugged him off and turned to Leah. ‘Are you sure? Did you see her? It might be a mistake?’

  She held her good arm out for Harriet. She untangled herself from Sean’s embrace and cuddled into her. ‘Yes, we are sure. She died straightaway so she wouldn’t have felt anything at all.’ She tried to smile again.

  The lie was necessary for the girls. They didn’t need to know any of the details of Eve’s final words, of her struggle to breathe and Leah’s unsuccessful attempts at CPR.

  ‘I expect she’s looking down at us right now, wishing she was here and sharing our hugs.’

  ‘I wish she was too.’ Harriet dissolved into a fresh round of tears.

  The girls cuddled into her and Sean and cried on and off for over an hour before he suggested they should go home and let Mummy have some rest.

  Ava became hysterical. ‘What if Mummy dies too? We can’t leave her.’

  Leah pulled the little girl to her. ‘I’m not going to die, I promise. The doctors have checked me all over and I’m fine. A bump and a cut on my head, a bruised nose, and a broken arm. An arm that’s going to need some fancy artwork from the two of you.’ She held up the cast. ‘How about when I come home tomorrow, you get out your best markers and pretty this up. The white is very boring. I need flowers, rainbows and maybe a few animals drawn on it.’