A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  The knee-high hedge that separated the driveway from the house was clipped to a perfect square and her mother’s tubs of pansies and violas lined the small pathway with splashes of colour leading to the front door.

  She got no response when she rang the doorbell, so she made her way around the side of the house, past the recently pruned bed of roses and into the back garden. Her father’s car parked in the driveway, suggested he was probably home.

  Leah crossed the lush green lawn, passed the veggie patch and headed towards the garden shed. She’d spent so many hours in this garden with her father.

  When her parents had first moved here she and her father had sat down and planned how they would transform the then overgrown garden. They’d spent hours clearing weeds and vines and eventually getting the soil ready to re-plant.

  Now, the overflowing flower beds, the glorious section of roses and tranquil setting of the back garden were her father’s pride and joy. The vegetable garden had been extended in recent years when he’d decided to try his hand at an edible garden.

  Whenever Leah had visited in the past, she’d always walked away with armfuls of vegetables.

  She hesitated in front of the recently painted wooden shed door. She wanted to turn back the clock, be visiting her father before the accident. Visiting as Leah, not Eve. Enjoy being in the warmth of her father’s company.

  She took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

  Her father was sitting hunched over on his ride-on-mower. He startled at the sound of her voice. He looked up, his eyes red-rimmed. His cheeks were sunken and drawn. He forced a smile and climbed off the mower. ‘Eve, I wasn’t expecting you. I’m just…checking all’s well with the mower.’

  Leah hugged him. ‘How are you, Dad?’

  He slipped out of her embrace and picked up a screwdriver from his tool bench. He didn’t make eye contact. ‘I’m doing okay,’ he said. He moved towards the mower to prove he really was fixing it. ‘What brings you here?’

  Leah didn’t answer immediately. She needed the comfort of her father. His warmth. His ability to make her feel special and loved. To not judge her; to support everything she did. That was what she needed. She sighed. ‘I don’t really know. I’m back at work next week, and I guess I wanted to see you, be near you.’

  Her father raised an eyebrow. ‘Really? With your busy schedule I would’ve thought you’d have better things to do with your time. You usually do.’

  She flinched but did her best not to react to the jibe. ‘Sometimes it’s nice to not think, isn’t it?’

  ‘I’ll agree with you on that one,’ he said. ‘I wish I could turn my brain off. Thinking is all I seem to do lately.’

  ‘About Leah?’

  He nodded and started unscrewing something on the mower. ‘She’s all I think about,’ he said. ‘She was special, Eve, so very special.’ Her father wiped the corner of his eye with the back of his sleeve and continued tinkering with the mower.

  Leah let the silence hang in the air for a few moments. ‘She was, Dad, but so are you. She wouldn’t want you being so sad. You need a distraction, something to keep your mind busy.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘How about a game of chess?’ She laughed at the incredulous look he wore, as the screwdriver clattered to the floor. ‘What? I know how to play chess.’

  ‘Since when?’ A smile almost appeared on his lips.

  ‘Since forever. Leah showed me how to play, actually.’ This wasn’t true, but her father obviously needed some kind of explanation. ‘I’m quite good.’

  He continued to stare. He appeared to be weighing up his options.

  ‘Come on,’ Leah said. ‘You always complain we don’t spend any time together. Well, you probably don’t actually complain but you should.’ She grinned. ‘Or are you chicken?’

  The small smile found its way to his lips. ‘Chicken? Not likely.’ He sighed. ‘Okay, then, I’m obviously not going to get any peace until I show you who’s boss.’ He held open the shed door and they walked across the lawn to the house.

  Her father moved his knight into place and sat back in his chair. They’d been playing in a comfortable silence for over an hour. He smiled. ‘Checkmate.’

  She shook her head. She’d been careful not to play too well. Leah could often beat her father but certainly wasn’t going to put on a great performance when she was supposed to be Eve. ‘Guess you showed me who’s boss. I might need a bit more practice, or a few more lessons, if I’m going to beat you.’

  Her father reached across and started collecting the pieces still on the board, ready to pack away. ‘You play very well. I’m surprised. Leah never mentioned you could play.’

  She cleared her throat. ‘I guess it was your thing, yours and Leah’s. I didn’t want to impose.’

  ‘Really? You actually wanted to be involved?’

  Leah plastered on a smile. She better act more like Eve or her father would become suspicious. ‘No, of course not! Leah taught me because my boss is obsessed with chess. Playing the occasional game against him has kept me on top of his promotion list.’

  Disappointment flashed across her father’s face. ‘Oh. I thought for a moment you might be serious. Might actually want a game from time-to-time.’

  She took his hand. ‘Dad, I’d love to play with you.’

  He wore an expression of uncertainty.

  ‘I mean it. Hopefully I’ll get better and actually beat you at some stage.’

  Her father smiled. ‘That I doubt, but you can always try.’

  Leah’s eyes filled at the sight of her father’s smile. The game of chess was the first time she’d seen his face light up since before the accident.

  His smile was instantly replaced with concern. ‘What’s wrong, Evie?’

  She shook her head. ‘Nothing’s wrong. I’m pleased to see you smile, that’s all.’

  ‘I know, love, it’s not easy at the moment.’ He cleared his throat. ‘To be honest, I’m not sure what to do.’

  ‘How’s Mum?’

  Her father cast his eyes down, suddenly unable to meet Leah’s gaze.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked.

  ‘I haven’t given much thought to your mum. I’ve been stuck in my own misery. I imagine she’s feeling as distraught as I am.’

  ‘You need to talk to her.’ She kept her words gentle. ‘She needs to know you’re there for her. Leah would want you to be strong, be protective of Mum. You know that.’ She waited for her father’s response.

  He needed to be jolted out of his depression, be given a reason to get up each day and keep moving. Needed to open up and talk with her mother. They both needed that.

  He sighed. ‘You’re right, love. I need to be there for her. I’ll try my best.’

  ‘Good.’ Leah glanced at her watch. ‘I’d better get moving. I’ve got a few things to do before I pick the twins up from school.’ She hugged her father and made her way out of the house to her car.

  The time she’d spent with him was precious. She could see how much he’d enjoyed it too.

  It gave her the slightest spark of hope that a close relationship with him as Eve might be possible. Perhaps she hadn’t lost him after all.

  The next morning Leah stood at the kitchen bench sipping her tea, grateful Sean had gone to work for a few hours. She could have some breathing space.

  He’d disappeared before breakfast saying it would only be for a couple of hours, then they could spend a family Saturday afternoon together.

  A growing family, including the tiny baby inside her.

  She hadn’t told Sean yet; was waiting for the right moment. He was still sleeping in the spare room, and other than the occasional peck on her forehead or cheek, had not initiated any physical contact. He could no longer use her arm being in plaster as an excuse.

  It was partly a relief. It would be a betrayal of both Eve and Sean, if they did sleep together, but it was something Leah also had to move through if she was going to be Sean’s wife.


  It was normal, expected that they’d have sex. She only hoped she could perform like Eve would have. She’d heard enough of Eve’s drunken stories to know her sister was certainly more adventurous than she was in the bedroom.

  Harriet held up her drawing. ‘It’s of you and Aunty Leah.’

  Leah sat at the kitchen table with the girls. ‘It’s beautiful, Harry.’ She looked across to Ava’s picture and was greeted with a page full of animals. ‘And they look like Leah’s favourites.’

  The other twin smiled. ‘They’re my favourites too.’

  ‘Can we do some cooking please, Mummy?’ Harriet asked.

  She couldn’t help but notice the warning look Ava shot her sister. The little girl was still on edge most of the time, as if she expected her mother’s good behaviour to come crashing down.

  ‘Of course we can. We could make a treat for afternoon tea when Daddy’s home,’ she said.

  Ava dropped her marker on the table and stared. ‘Another treat? But we still have the cheesecake. He hasn’t even tried that yet.’

  ‘I know.’ They’d stopped off at the Cheesecake Factory on their way home from school the previous day to buy a treat for dessert. Sean hadn’t finished work until late, so he was yet to try it.

  Leah collected her coffee cup and stood. ‘But it’s always nice to have a choice, and it’s a lot of fun baking. How about you two come up with an idea and if we have the ingredients we’ll make it?’

  ‘Chocolate cake,’ both girls said at once.

  She grinned. Chocolate cake was her favourite, too. She knew a recipe by heart. ‘Let’s have a look in the pantry. If we’ve got flour, sugar and cocoa, we should be in business.’

  Harriet beat her to the small space, sliding open the door and rushing inside. ‘We’ve got flour and sugar, what does cocoa look like?’

  Leah came in behind her, her eyes searching the shelves. A purple box stood next to a bottle of vanilla essence on the top shelf. She reached up and took both. ‘Bring the flour and sugar and we’ll get some butter, eggs and milk from the fridge. Then we can start.’

  Harriet flashed a brilliant smile as she carried the ingredients out to the kitchen bench.

  Ava had packed up the markers and drawings and washed her hands, ready to help.

  Leah tried her best to ignore the constant looks that went between the twins. They were grinning in delight, acting like they were hiding a secret.

  She assumed it was the secret that their mother didn’t usually allow them to make chocolate cakes. She wasn’t going to worry. These were the sort of things the girls should be doing. She remembered spending hours in the kitchen with her own mother. Tears pricked the back of her eyes as she considered the relationship she’d had with her mother.

  Being Eve meant that was now gone too.

  ‘Are you okay, Mummy?’ Ava’s face clouded over, the earlier excitement now replaced with worry. ‘You look so sad.’

  She forced a smile and pulled Ava in for a hug. ‘I’m fine, baby, just thinking of your aunty. She always loved to cook, did you know that?’

  The little girl nodded. ‘She let us cook sometimes when we went to her apartment. It was a lot of fun.’

  Leah’s smile was genuine this time. ‘I’m sure it was. This is one of her recipes we’re cooking. I remember a few of her yummiest creations and this is one of them.’

  ‘You tried chocolate cake?’ Harriet’s eyes were wide. ‘Really? It has a lot of sugar in it.’

  ‘I’ve tried it lots of times, but not in the last few years when I decided to cut out sugar.’ She put an arm around Harriet. ‘Perhaps if you and Ava can decorate this cake to look delicious, I might have the tiniest slice.’

  ‘Really?’ Ava asked.

  She nodded and was rewarded with Ava flinging her arms around her waist. Leah laughed and hugged both twins to her.

  ‘You’re different, Mummy,’ Harriet said. ‘Since Aunty Leah died, you’ve changed.’

  There was no point trying to hide the fact that she was a different person. She had to take care to be able to explain the reason for the change to Eve’s personality. ‘You’re right, Harry. I feel different too.’ That was certainly true. ‘Aunty Leah dying made me realise I was doing a lot of things wrong. I wasn’t living in the moment. Do you know what that means?’

  ‘It means you were thinking of being other places or doing other things with other people rather than enjoying what you were doing at that exact moment,’ Ava said.

  Leah ruffled her hair. ‘Gee, you’re smart. Yes, that’s exactly it. I might’ve been sitting here having my coffee but my mind would’ve been at work or thinking of going for a run, or catching up with Nicola rather than enjoying being here. When Aunty Leah died, it made me realise life can be short and I need to enjoy every moment I have with you guys and Daddy, and our life here. I don’t need to be thinking of other people and other things all the time.’

  ‘You’re not going to die are you, Mummy?’ Ava’s face was full of concern.

  ‘I hope not, Aves. We all will one day, but I plan to be here for many, many years to come.’

  ‘Hopefully at least another hundred,’ the little girl said.

  She smiled. ‘Hopefully.’ She refocused them back to the cake-making. ‘Now we need to add half a cup of milk and then put the mixer on for three minutes for the cake to beat.’

  ‘I’ve never seen you use the mixer before,’ Harriet said. ‘Kate has, but have you?’

  Leah shook her head. ‘No, your Aunty Leah gave it to me when you girls were born. She thought I’d be doing heaps of baking and cooking.’ She made a show of rolling her eyes. ‘What on earth was she thinking?’

  Harriet giggled. ‘Have you really never used it before, Mummy?’

  She assumed from their reaction to the cake making it was very unlikely her sister had ever used it. She shook her head. ‘Nope. So let’s hope for a miracle that this cake actually works.’

  They waited the three minutes while the cake mixed together then poured it into a pan and put it in the oven.

  ‘Now for the best bit,’ Leah said. She handed each girl a spatula and put the mixing bowl between them. She’d almost laughed at the number of spatulas that filled the drawer. For someone who never baked, Eve certainly had an impressive kitchen of appliances and utensils. ‘The most important thing with this step is how you angle the spatula. Let me show you.’ She took a third spatula from the drawer and used it to clean down one section of the bowl. With the end dripping with chocolate cake mix she grinned and licked it, rolling her eyes with pleasure.

  The girls followed her lead and had chocolate dripping down onto their chins and shirts as they licked the mixture from the spatulas.

  The three of them were still giggling and making a mess when Sean walked into the kitchen.

  ‘Daddy!’ Harriet ran to Sean and threw herself against him.

  Leah couldn’t help but notice how good he looked in the faded jeans and white T-shirt he was wearing. The office was definitely more casual on a Saturday than through the week.

  He laughed and peeled Harriet off him. ‘You’re a bit chocolaty to hug right now, munchkin.’

  Harriet stepped back, her hand clapping over her mouth. The chocolate from her lips had smeared on his white shirt. She looked at Leah, fear filling her eyes.

  She could imagine how Eve would’ve reacted. The little girl was probably waiting for her to start yelling and send her upstairs.

  Instead she used her finger to wipe around the mixing bowl, lifting it out with cake mixture dripping from it. She held it up and grinned at the girls. ‘If you’re going to smear someone with cake mix, you need to play fair,’ she said.

  Leah went over to Sean and wiped her finger across his lips.

  Ava’s gasp almost made her cry.

  Had her sister never had any fun with her family?

  Sean raised an eyebrow, however he played along. His tongue appeared; licking the chocolate off his lips. ‘Mmm. That’s
sensational.’ He grinned and grabbed Leah’s hand. ‘And I think there’s more.’ He brought her finger up to his mouth, his eyes meeting hers as he ran his tongue along the length of her finger.

  She shivered, her eyes closing while tingles of pleasure ran through her body. They were quickly replaced with guilt.

  When she opened her eyes, he was staring, longing filling his features.

  She smiled and turned back to the twins. ‘Come on you two, let’s finish scraping down the bowl then we’d better clean up while the cake bakes. We’ll ice it later, once it’s cooled down.’

  The girls cleaned every drip of mix from the bowl and helped Leah clean up.

  Sean sat on a kitchen stool watching his family; the girls smiling and Eve laughing while they tidied the kitchen. Times like this made him grateful for the accident and the changes it’d brought about in his wife. She was so much more relaxed around the twins.

  ‘You’re home earlier than I thought you’d be,’ Eve said. ‘It’s not even lunchtime yet.’

  ‘I did the bare essentials. It’s such a nice afternoon, I thought we should go somewhere. It feels like we’ve been cooped up a bit since…well you know.’

  ‘What were you thinking?’

  ‘I don’t know. Harry, Avie, what would you girls like to do?’

  ‘Circus,’ Harriet cried.

  ‘Zoo,’ Ava said.

  He laughed. ‘We’re on the same track at least.’ He glanced at Eve. ‘What about you? And day spa isn’t an acceptable answer.’

  ‘I don’t want to go to a day spa,’ Harriet said. ‘That sounds boring.’

  His wife laughed. ‘I think we’ll go with one of your choices.’ She looked at Harriet. ‘Poppet, I don’t think the circus is in town at the moment. They tend to come during the school holidays, but the zoo is an option. Would you like to go there?’

  ‘Really? But you hate the zoo. Everything smells and the animals are boring.’