A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  Sean watched Eve’s face with interest. That was exactly how she’d described the zoo each time the girls had requested to go. As a result, they’d only been once, with him. There was no chance she’d choose to spend an afternoon at the zoo.

  Eve grinned. ‘People do change, you know. Would I have been licking sugary cake mix off the spatula a few months ago?’

  The twins shook their heads.

  ‘I did today, and I also want to go to the zoo. I’d like to see some of the zebras Aunty Leah is always going on about.’ She leaned towards the girls and lowered her voice. ‘Is it true the special ones have golden stripes and horns on their heads? That’s what Leah always told me when we were kids.’

  Sean watched the delighted expressions of his daughters. Were the changes in Eve her way of coping? Whether she was aware of it or not, she was acting more like Leah than herself. Going out of her way to do things her sister would’ve done. It might be her way of keeping Leah close but his real concern was whether or not it would last.

  ‘That’s settled then,’ Eve said. ‘We’ll have some lunch then get ready for the zoo.’

  ‘What about the cake?’ Harriet asked. ‘We need to ice it.’

  His wife nodded. ‘We can either ice it straight after lunch if it’s cool enough and take it with us for afternoon tea, or leave it for tonight and have it for dessert. You girls decide.’

  ‘Really?’ Sean asked. ‘Cake for dessert is an option?’

  ‘Sure, why not? It’s that or the cheesecake the girls chose for you yesterday.’

  He grinned. Chocolate cake in the house was a miracle in of itself, but allowing chocolate after dinner; that was unheard of.

  The twins obviously agreed with him, as they both immediately selected the dessert option.

  He stood from the stool. ‘Why don’t you two head upstairs and get dressed in some warmer clothes for the zoo. Mummy and I will make some lunch. That way we can get going once we’ve eaten.’

  The two little girls ran from the room, their excited laughter spilling through the house as they dashed up the stairs. Squeals and shrieks erupted when they reached their room—from the sounds of it, they’d found Lewis doing something naughty.

  Sean came around the island bench and stood in front of Eve. For the first time in months he wanted her close. If the twins weren’t home, he’d be taking her to bed. Instead, he took her hands in his and really looked at her. ‘I’m sorry for what’s happened to Leah. You’ll never know how sorry actually, but I love that we’ve changed as a result.’

  ‘Me too. The girls are amazing and I want to have fun with them, be a great mum. I want this family to work. It has to.’

  He pulled her to him, conscious of the tremor that wracked her body. Had it really been that long since he’d held his wife?

  Sean cupped her face in his hands and lifted it; their lips met.

  Eve’s eyes pierced his when he parted her lips with his tongue and explored her mouth. She relaxed, her mouth soft and inviting. Not only was she acting different, she felt different.

  He stopped as her eyes filled with tears and leaned back. ‘You okay?’

  She tugged him back in answer, continuing their kiss.

  This time there was urgency. An urgency he wished he could satisfy.

  The crash of footsteps on the stairs had him ending things, a soft smile playing on his lips. ‘Later,’ he mouthed when Harriet rushed back into the kitchen, her eyes full of mischief. She launched into a tale of what the amazing Lewis had done.

  Leah snuggled the doona over a sleeping Harriet and kissed her forehead before tiptoeing across the room and doing the same for Ava.

  Both girls were exhausted.

  Ava briefly opened her eyes, a soft smile forming on her lips. ‘Love you, Mummy,’ she said before closing her eyes again.

  A lump formed in her throat thinking of Eve and all she was missing. She stood and watched the twins for a few minutes, reflecting on the excitement and laughter their day at the zoo had brought.

  It was more than the animals. Sean had been attentive in a way Leah hadn’t experienced. He tried on many occasions to hold her hand, often to lose out to Harry or Ava who grabbed her first.

  She’d felt his hand on her lower back as they stood and stared into the cages of the animals, his fingers gently caressing her. It made her shiver to remember.

  There was a longing in his eyes and touch, one she imagined was going to be satisfied that night. Would she be able to go through with it? Would he be able to tell she wasn’t Eve? She would feel different, act different. How would she explain that?

  Leah closed the bedroom door behind her and quietly descended the stairs.

  Sean was in the living room, stretched out on the couch with a glass of wine in one hand. A second glass sat on the coffee table in front of him.

  The lights were dim and the sounds of soft jazz floated through the room.

  He patted the couch next to him, wearing a lazy smile.

  She tried to push Eve out of her mind and sat down next to him—her husband now.

  He handed her the wine glass, holding up his own ready to do a toast.

  She smiled; she’d need to pretend to drink this. Leah hadn’t mustered up the nerve to tell him about the pregnancy, yet. She had no idea how he’d react.

  Eve hadn’t wanted more children; so her own reaction was going to need to be believable too.

  Things were going so well between them. She didn’t want to ruin it, but she was going to have to tell him.

  ‘Here’s to a wonderful day.’ Sean clinked her glass with his.

  Leah put the glass to her lips, pretending to take a sip. She put it back on the coffee table and sank into the couch, closing her eyes. It had been a wonderful day.

  Sean took her hand. ‘You look done in,’ he said.

  She opened her eyes. ‘I am. The girls can be pretty exhausting.’

  He laughed. ‘Yep, they can.’

  She sat forward and looked him in the eye. ‘I need you to know something.’

  ‘What?’

  Leah cleared her throat. Part of her almost blurted she was pregnant, but the sensible part knew it wasn’t the right time. Their relationship needed to be more solid before she made that announcement. ‘I’m sorry, that’s all. Sorry it took the accident for me to realise what I’d been missing out on with our daughters.’

  Sean squeezed her hand. ‘It’s okay, babe. I’m so glad you’ve realised. The last few weeks have been amazing. I’ve never seen the twins so happy, or you to be honest. Since they were born, fun Eve seemed to go into hiding. At least when you were around us.’

  ‘I never felt ready before,’ she said. ‘It’s hard to explain.’ Eve had said various things about not being cut out for motherhood. ‘But, I can do something about it now.’

  He drew her to him, his lips parting hers.

  Leah sank into the kiss, desire spreading through every part of her body. Years ago, when she’d first seen Sean at university, she’d imagined kissing him, undressing him, making love to him, but, thanks to Eve, had never had the opportunity.

  Eve. A picture of her sister filled her mind, and she pulled way.

  What was she thinking? She was kissing Eve’s husband.

  He leaned back from her, his eyes searching hers. His voice was hoarse. ‘You okay?”

  She nodded.

  “It’s been too long, Eve, way too long.’ Sean took her hand and pulled her to her feet.

  They kissed again.

  She tried to block out her sister. Part of her wanted Sean; wanted him badly. But she wanted him as Leah. Wanted him to want her as Leah, too. Making love with him now felt like a betrayal of both of them.

  Sean’s hands moved over her body, caressing her breasts through her shirt.

  Her fingers trembled when she started to unbutton it. She was going to have to get past this.

  He stepped back and she reached the last button and let the shirt drop away. She undid her bra
and stood partly naked before him.

  His eyes drank in her body. ‘You’re so beautiful.’

  Tears welled in her eyes.

  He was telling his wife, Eve, she was beautiful.

  Sean took her hand and led her up the stairs.

  Butterflies flitted in her stomach as Leah contemplated what they were about to do.

  An ache spread between her legs. Physically, she was ready. It was the mental part she needed to switch off.

  Sean grinned and tugged her in tight the moment they reached the top of the stairs. His smile fell. A retching sound came from the girls’ bedroom. He groaned. ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’

  Leah hurried out of his embrace, righted her shirt and pushed open the door.

  Harriet was sitting up in bed, her rubbish bin in her hands, heaving violently.

  ‘And I think this might signal the end of our night,’ Sean said.

  It was after three by the time Leah slipped into bed beside Sean.

  Poor Harriet had vomited repeatedly. She’d ended up moving the little girl to the spare room so she didn’t wake Ava.

  Leah had dozed beside her on the comfortable king size bed and been ready each time Harriet had reached for the bucket.

  Sean had offered to stay with them but she’d suggested he get some sleep. While she was sorry for Harriet, she was relieved their plans had been interrupted. She’d have to get over her guilt and be with Sean as his wife. It just wasn’t that easy. She was terrified he’d realise she wasn’t Eve. How would she explain taking things this far if he did?

  She lay listening to his gentle snores. Thoughts of Eve and the girls swirled around her mind. Of Sean, and being his wife.

  Eventually she drifted into a fitful sleep.

  Sean intertwined his fingers in Eve’s and urged her to him, stroking her hair. ‘Morning, beautiful.’ He leant and kissed her before she had a chance to respond. ‘How’s the patient?’

  ‘She was sleeping when I crept out around three. I think she’s through the worst of it.’

  He groaned. ‘Her timing couldn’t have been worse. It’s been months, then that happens.’

  He felt Eve stiffen.

  ‘Months, really has it been that long?’

  At least. The last time they’d had sex was one night Eve had come home late from work agitated and upset about something. She hadn’t told him what’d had happened; instead had dragged him to the bedroom and practically forced herself on him.

  He’d been working on the Goulburn case. Sean remembered because he should’ve been preparing for court the next morning, not giving in to her demands. That case closed four months ago.

  Eve’s expression was distraught, like she couldn’t believe she’d neglected him for so long. ‘I can’t remember the last time. But it’s because of my memory, not because it wasn’t memorable.’

  He stroked her hair.

  She seemed really worried, worked up.

  ‘How much of the last year or so do you remember?’ he asked.

  Eve swallowed. ‘Not much, to be honest. It’s not like I don’t remember you or the girls, but I can’t remember the detail of our day-to-day lives. There’re a few days or times I do remember, most of them when Leah was over here. But I seem to have blocked out other memories. That’s what Dr Shriver thinks, anyway.’

  Sean stared. She really couldn’t remember how awful things had been between them? How she’d worked late nearly every day, avoided spending time with the twins, and was basically detached and uninterested when she was around.

  She wore so much concern now, worry that she might’ve let him down.

  He felt an overwhelming sense of love for her. The need to protect her.

  He pulled her to him and kissed her gently. ‘No, it hasn’t been months,’ he said. It wasn’t true, but if she really couldn’t remember, then it seemed to be what she needed to hear. ‘A few weeks before the accident, from what I remember.’ He grinned. ‘But you know me. A week without sex feels like months.’

  Eve relaxed in his arms. ‘A few weeks before the accident would be like months then. So, we’d better start making up for it.’

  Sean grinned. He hardened immediately, his pyjama pants straining as he shifted on top of Eve. He froze when the bedroom door opened.

  ‘Mummy, Daddy. Harry’s not in her bed,’ Ava said.

  He let out a sigh and rolled onto his back.

  ‘Where is she?’ The little girl’s forehead was creased with unease.

  ‘She’s not well, Aves,’ Eve said. ‘She’s asleep in the spare room.’

  ‘Oh,’ Ava said. ‘I hope she’ll be okay to play today. We had plans to decorate the cubby house.’

  Sean glanced at Eve. The dark circles under her eyes betrayed how exhausted she was. He swung his legs out of bed. ‘Come on,’ he said to Ava. ‘We’ll check on Harry. Mummy needs some sleep. She’s been awake half the night.’

  He was rewarded with a smile from his wife, and she snuggled down under the doona.

  Leah hummed to herself as she pulled up outside the white weatherboard house. She was content, happy. A feeling she hadn’t experienced for a long time.

  She was glad sex with Sean had been delayed. She needed to get her head around it first. It was going to happen; it was inevitable. He hadn’t mentioned anything feeling different kissing her or touching her but surely he would notice when they had sex. She was going to have to think through how she would handle the inevitable questions.

  As guilty as she felt at times, deep down she knew she was doing the right thing. She needed to do her best to live in the moment. Do what was best for Sean and the twins, and try not to think too much.

  Leah switched the car off and looked across to Jackie’s two-storey brick house. Richard’s car was parked in the driveway and they were expecting her.

  She took a deep breath, collected her handbag and bag of gifts from the passenger seat, and pushed open the door of the Prius. Her visit was completely selfish, but she missed her friendship with Jackie so much.

  Of everything that had happened, her parents and Jackie were her biggest regrets. Every time she had these thoughts, images of Ava and Harriet would swamp her, combined with Eve’s last words.

  Leah followed the curved paved path, past a colourful bed of azaleas to Jackie’s blue, front door.

  The door opened before she had a chance to knock, and she was greeted by Richard’s stocky frame and warm smile.

  She instinctively moved to hug him but was stopped when he extended his hand towards her.

  ‘Hello, Eve,’ he said.

  Of course, Richard barely knew her.

  She took his hand and shook it, a lump rising in her throat.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked.

  Tears immediately filled Leah’s eyes. ‘Sorry,’ she said, blinking. ‘Doesn’t take much to get me going these days.’

  ‘Come in,’ Richard said. ‘Jacks is in the kitchen with Poppy and Dustin. She’ll be pleased to see you.’

  ‘I hope so,’ Leah said. ‘I really wanted to see her. I just hope it doesn’t upset her.’

  He smiled. ‘She’s doing okay, Eve. The kids are a good distraction, although I know she thinks about Leah all the time. We’ve been through a few boxes of tissues since the accident.’

  The lump in her throat refused to budge. She hated that she was putting her friend through this. She imagined the situation in reverse; if something had happened to Jackie. She had no idea how she’d cope.

  Leah followed Richard down the long hallway to a bright, sun-filled kitchen where she could hear the quiet voices of young children talking. She hadn’t seen Jackie’s family for at least six months before the accident.

  Three sets of hazel eyes looked up from the table strewn with different coloured play dough.

  ‘Look who I found outside,’ Richard said.

  Jackie rose from her chair and came over to hug her. ‘Eve, it’s so good to see you.’

  Leah tried to smile, taking in h
er friend’s tired, gaunt face. Lines now creased her forehead that had not been prominent before the accident. Her grey eyes were dull as if the light in them had flickered out. Her jeans sported a thick belt, which appeared to be the only thing holding them up. She’d lost a lot of weight.

  She hugged Jackie, careful not to hold on for too long, which every fibre of her being wanted to.

  ‘It’s good to see you too, Jackie,’ Leah said. She turned to Poppy and Dustin, both mini versions of Richard with their wavy black hair and dimpled cheeks. ‘And look at you guys. You’ve grown huge since I last saw you.’ Eve had met Jackie’s kids on one occasion so she was safe to say that. She put her finger to her lip, concentrating hard. ‘Let me guess. Poppy, you must be fifteen and Dustin, twelve. Am I right?’

  Giggles erupted from the children.

  Poppy was quick to speak. ‘I’m six,’ she proudly announced, ‘and Dusty is four.’

  She dropped her mouth open in mock surprise. ‘No way. But you’re so tall and grown up. I was sure you were older.’ She grinned. ‘But I’m also relieved, because I brought a little something for you and it probably isn’t suitable for teenagers.’ She rummaged through the gift bag, pretending not to notice the look that passed between Richard and Jackie. ‘Aha!’ Leah presented two beautifully wrapped parcels. ‘I knew I had something in here for you both.’

  Huge smiles appeared on the children’s faces. ‘Thank you,’ Poppy said at once.

  She nudged Dustin, whose eyes were wide, and he looked like he was holding his breath.

  Poppy turned to Jackie. ‘Can we open them, Mummy?’

  ‘Of course,’ Jackie said. She turned to Leah. ‘That was so kind of you, Eve. You really didn’t need to.’

  ‘I wanted to. I’m sure Leah would have brought a gift.’

  Tears filled her friend’s eyes.

  She regretted bringing up her own name. ‘Sorry, I didn’t come here to make you sad.’

  Jackie shook her head, seeming to force a smile. ‘It’s good sad, don’t worry. You’re right, Leah would’ve brought them gifts.’ She laughed. ‘Way over the top gifts.’