A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  Leah closed her eyes. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes before releasing a huge breath. ‘You don’t need to be sorry, Jacks, it’s nothing that you’ve done.’

  Jackie paused and gave Leah a long look.

  Oh God, she’d called her Jacks. Eve hadn’t known her well enough to be so familiar. She continued, hoping it would be overlooked. ‘I’ve got a lot going on right now. More than just missing my sister to worry about.’

  ‘Oh no, that’s all you need. Can I help at all?’

  She hesitated, glad Jackie hadn’t commented on her use of the nickname but also realising that talking to Jackie was exactly what she needed. The problem was she couldn’t tell her the full story.

  She could tell her part of it, though.

  ‘I’m pregnant. And it’s not Sean’s.’

  The words were out before she could stop them.

  Shock registered on Jackie’s face. ‘Oh, Eve,’ she said. ‘You poor thing.’

  More tears flowed. This was why Jackie had been her best friend for so long. No judgement. Pure compassion.

  Leah put her head in her hands. ‘I’ve made such a mess of things. Such a mess.’

  ‘Does Sean know?’

  ‘He does, and he’s being very strange. He was angry and hurt when I told him, and acted like we were splitting up. Then the last few days, he’s been really nice. I’m not sure what he’s thinking.’

  ‘Have you asked him?’

  She shook her head. ‘I’m too scared. I can’t imagine telling the girls we’re getting a divorce. Not after what they’ve been through in the past few months. Poor Ava’s anxious enough as it is.’

  ‘What about the guy whose baby it is? Does he know?’

  What a shock Grant would get if she announced she was pregnant. He’d have two children only a few months apart. ‘No, I haven’t told him. I haven’t seen him since Leah’s funeral.’

  ‘He was at the funeral?’

  Leah nodded. That was true at least. Grant had been at the funeral. ‘He’s about to have a baby with someone else. I don’t think he’ll be very pleased to hear about this one.’

  ‘Do you want him to be involved?’

  ‘The bastard cheated on me. I don’t want anything to do with Grant ever again.’

  Jackie visibly drew back at these words. Disbelief clouded her face and she stared, seemingly unable to speak.

  Leah closed her eyes. She’d said Grant. She hadn’t meant to name him.

  God, what would Jackie think now?

  ‘You’re pregnant by Grant?’ Her best friend’s voice was practically a whisper. ‘Leah’s Grant? The Grant that cheated on her and was having a baby with someone else? That someone else is you?’

  ‘He doesn’t know I’m pregnant.’

  Anger replaced Jackie’s previously calm voice. ‘Let me get this straight. Leah’s boyfriend of six years was cheating with you and someone else, and managed to get you both pregnant? How were you planning on explaining this to Leah, Eve? Or was the accident a nice convenient way to get out of having to?’

  She sucked in a breath.

  Jackie was shaking, she was so angry. She got to her feet. ‘I can’t sit here and listen to anymore. Leah loved you. For all your faults, she loved you. And this is how you thank her. You’re an absolute disgrace.’

  Leah sat opened mouth while her best friend collected her bag and stormed towards the door.

  19

  Leah sat stunned for a moment. How had their conversation turned to this?

  She should never have mentioned the pregnancy. She could’ve kicked herself for saying Grant instead of Ben.

  Her stomach contracted. The look on Jackie’s face. The shock. The hurt. The fury.

  She couldn’t leave it like this.

  She grabbed her bag and rushed to the door, hoping to catch Jackie before she drove off.

  Her car was parked across the street in front of the hedged entrance to Brimble Park. Jackie wasn’t in the car; she was walking very briskly into the park.

  Leah crossed the road and hurried after her. She called her, but Jackie didn’t turn or slow.

  ‘Jackie,’ she yelled again as they neared a small lake.

  This time her best friend turned, her face contorted with anger; cheeks stained with tears. ‘Get away from me, Eve, I mean it. Pregnant or not, I’m likely to push you in the lake. Or worse.’

  She had to suppress a smile. Jackie would never do that, it wasn’t in her make up. ‘Can we talk for a minute? There’s a lot you don’t know.’

  ‘I can’t imagine one thing you could say that would make this better. Your sister was miserable when she died, and a large part of that was due to Grant ending their relationship. She thought he was going to propose. Did you know that? That anniversary dinner was supposed to be a proposal. Not the end. And there you are, laughing behind her back. Having sex with the man she loved. You should’ve died in that accident, Eve, not Leah.’ Jackie’s face froze as the words left her lips.

  Leah tried to hold back the tears but she couldn’t. They streamed down her cheeks again. She’d never heard her friend, so angry, so passionate and so protective of her.

  Jackie approached her. ‘I’m sorry, that was an awful thing to say. I didn’t mean it. The bit about you dying.’

  She shook her head. ‘No, based on everything I’ve told you, you’re right. The thing is— ’ Tears overcame her.

  Jackie led her to a bench overlooking the lake.

  ‘Oh, God,’ Leah breathed. ‘I’ve made such a mess of things. You’ll never forgive me, Jacks.’

  ‘It’s not me that needs to forgive you, Eve. Your husband. Your family. That’s who you need to ask forgiveness from. You can’t ask Leah, it’s too late.’

  She took a deep breath. ‘I have to tell you something. But I need you to listen to all of it, and I need you to know I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. My decision to do what I did wasn’t made lightly, and I agonised over how it would impact you. I’m so sorry.’

  Worry flooded Jackie’s face.

  Leah’s friend would—naturally—be struggling to think of anything Eve could’ve done to hurt her.

  She took another deep breath, her stomach churning. She might vomit at any moment. ‘When the accident happened, there was some confusion at both the accident site, and then in the hospital. Before she died, my sister asked me to do one thing for her, and I made her a promise that I would.’

  Jackie was waiting expectantly. ‘And?’

  Leah looked her friend in the eye. ‘Jacks, Eve asked me to look after the girls for her. To become their mum. And I did.’

  Sean and the girls set up a production line in the kitchen. Bread, sandwich fillings, cookie cutters and plates filled the counter.

  ‘I’ll cut the sandwiches into shapes,’ Harriet said. ‘Ava, you put the fillings in and Daddy, you…’ she hesitated, looking around for a job for Sean. ‘You go out to the garden and pick some flowers so we can decorate the plates with petals. Mummy will love that.’

  He ruffled her hair. ‘Yes, Chef!’

  The twins giggled while he left them to make the sandwiches and went out to the back garden. He wondered how Eve’s catch-up with Jackie was going? Would she tell Jackie about the baby, or would they only talk about Leah?

  How awful it was that Leah’s life had been cut so short. She’d never have the things she wanted. Marriage, children. She would’ve been a good mother too. She’d been so good with the twins.

  The way Eve was behaving reminded him of Leah. The spark in her eye, her endless patience for their daughters. He’d often found himself comparing the two sisters. Even with everything that’d happened, he was still lucky.

  Not only had Eve survived the accident, but it’d been a massive wake-up call for her. She really had changed. The occasional glimpse of the old Eve appeared from time-to-time. In a look or a sharp word spoken, but they were usually immediately softened or apologised for. The girls were happier than he’d ever se
en them.

  He kicked at a rock and leaned to pick a flower. Damn her. Why had she gone and wrecked it? Pregnant by someone else. An affair was bad enough. Something he’d always said he wouldn’t tolerate, it was a deal breaker, but this was so much worse.

  Sean sighed and pulled his jacket tight as the cool morning air cut through him. If she wasn’t pregnant, would he forgive the affair? She couldn’t even remember it, and certainly appeared remorseful.

  He believed that. It might be stupid of him, especially when she’d been lying nonstop before the accident, but there was something vulnerable about Eve right now that told him she was telling him the truth.

  His mother had given his father a second chance. Their marriage had gone from strength to strength.

  He picked another flower. He probably could move past the affair. The circumstances had changed. Life had changed since the accident and put many things into perspective. But looking at someone else’s baby every day would be a constant reminder of what she’d done.

  Ironically, Sean was the one who’d wanted another baby. Another girl would be lovely, but deep down he’d always wanted a son. It was Eve who’d said absolutely no way. Now, it was possible. The baby might be a boy. Even if it wasn’t, Eve seemed open to the idea of more kids.

  Why did everything have to be so bloody difficult? There was part of him that almost wished he and Eve had been having sex before the accident, so that it could’ve been his.

  Ignorance, in this case, would certainly be bliss.

  Jackie stared at Leah. Her face paled as her mouth dropped open. Leah waited, allowing her friend time to comprehend what she’d just heard. Finally Jackie spoke.

  ‘Leah?’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘It’s you?’

  She nodded.

  A range of emotions passed over Jackie’s face. Shock, doubt, confusion.

  She took her hand. ‘I’m sorry, Jackie. I really am. I know what I’ve put your through and I’m so, so sorry.’

  Her friend withdrew her hand. ‘Why? Why would you do that to your family? To Sean? To me and your other friends?’

  ‘Because Eve asked me. It was horrific, Jacks, absolutely horrific.’ Leah wiped a tear before she could continue. ‘She was so badly injured, so broken. She had blood pouring from her and the only thing she was worried about were her girls. She asked me to promise I’d look after them for her, to become like a mum to them.’

  Tears ran down Jackie’s face. ‘But she wouldn’t have meant for you to literally become their mum.’

  ‘I think she did. And then there was confusion at the accident scene because we were dressed identically and they thought I was Eve. The same happened in the hospital, and I think shock got the better of me and I never corrected them. At first I figured Sean, or my parents, would clear everything up when they arrived. I wasn’t thinking properly. Then Sean was so relieved Eve was alive that I didn’t know what to do. The reality was things weren’t going well in my life and I had the chance to save a lot of people from unnecessary grief. I was doing it for them. For Eve, for the twins.’

  Jackie was shaking her head. ‘But what about all the people that love you? What about us?’

  ‘My parents were so relieved the girls hadn’t lost their mother. When they visited, I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. They didn’t need to lose their mum at seven. How would Sean have coped? How would any of them have coped?’

  ‘They would’ve coped. It might’ve been hard, but they would have. They had no choice. But what about your parents, Eve’s friends? They don’t even know she’s gone. They haven’t been given a chance to say their goodbyes. To mourn their daughter, their friend.’

  ‘I know. I’ve made such a mess of things.’ Leah started to cry again. ‘It was for Eve. Those final moments were awful. I had to do it for her.’

  Jackie stared for a moment then put an arm around her and pulled her close. ‘Oh Lee-lee, you poor thing. You always put Eve first, always. But this is too extreme.’

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, both deep in their own thoughts.

  Eventually Leah drew back from the comfort of her best friend’s embrace. ‘Everything’s such a mess. I didn’t know that Eve and Sean’s marriage was on the rocks, that she’d been having an affair. That there was no way a baby could be his.’

  ‘No way?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, he’d been sleeping in the spare room for months. I only found all this out when I announced I was pregnant. Stupid me thought he’d be happy. Instead, it confirmed Eve, or as far as he’s concerned, I, had an affair. He was devastated.’

  ‘Was or is?’

  ‘I’m not sure. He’s acting very strangely. His nice behaviour the last few days feels like it’s the calm before the storm.’

  ‘You have to tell him, Leah. You can’t let him believe you’re Eve. It’s not fair on Eve either. Did she actually have an affair?’

  ‘She did, but it’s highly unlikely she was pregnant.’

  ‘Geez.’ Jackie ran her hand through her hair. ‘This really is a mess.’

  ‘I can’t bear the thought of the girls finding out. Of them having to live without a mother. We’ve become so close too.’

  ‘Lee, you’re living a lie. A lie so ginormous I can’t even get my head around it. Your intentions may have been good, but I don’t think it’s going to be the happy ending you’d envisaged. You need to tell the truth to Sean and your parents at least. Go from there.’

  She sat in silence. She had made a big mistake. Ginormous, Jackie had said. She couldn’t begin to imagine the fallout if she told the truth.

  Leah hugged Jackie tight as they said their goodbyes.

  Her best friend confessed she was still in shock. ‘But, Lee,’ she said, tears welling in her eyes again, ‘I’m also so happy. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. You were trying to do your best for Eve and her girls.’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe you’re alive. I really can’t.’

  Leah waved goodbye and climbed into her car. Her heart was heavy. Telling the truth to Sean and the girls still may not be the best thing. Could she even do it? .

  She drove home slowly, making an effort to pull herself out of the overwhelming sadness. She needed to put on a happy act for the twins and their afternoon plans.

  She arrived back at the house close to twelve-thirty, and made her way through the garage. She was met with Harriet’s cheers as she entered the kitchen.

  ‘Perfect timing, Mummy. Lunch is ready and we’re about to eat.’

  She couldn’t imagine being able to eat a thing. Leah allowed Harriet to bustle her into her seat and smiled when a plate of sandwiches, all cut into shapes with the biscuit cutters, was placed in front of her. The plate was decorated with flower petals. ‘This looks wonderful. You’ve both been very busy.’

  ‘The sandwiches are healthy, too,’ Ava added.

  ‘Except for the dessert one,’ Harriet said. ‘That’s not healthy.’

  ‘A dessert sandwich? I’ve never had one of those,’ Leah said. ‘What’s in it?’

  ‘Peanut butter and strawberry jam,’ Ava said. ‘I thought peanut butter and jelly meant wobbly jelly. Daddy explained jelly is what Americans call jam, so we wanted to try it. That’s okay, isn’t it, Mummy?’

  ‘Of course. Peanut butter and jelly is one of my favourites.’

  ‘Really?’ Sean asked. ‘I wouldn’t have thought you’d ever have tried it.’

  Perhaps she was feeling over-sensitive, but she wasn’t in the mood for a dig. She glared. ‘Do you really need to question everything I say?’

  Silence fell around the table.

  Ava’s face immediately crumbled.

  Sean looked contrite. ‘Sorry, babe, I didn’t mean it in a nasty way. You’ve been so into clean eating. White bread, sugar and peanut butter aren’t really high on your list of foods. Or at least didn’t use to be.’

  Guilt rushed over Leah.

  The girls waited for her response; Ava hardly dari
ng to breathe.

  She squeezed Ava’s arm. ‘Oh, well that makes sense. I probably should’ve said it was my favourite when I was little. I remember trying it for the first time on a family holiday when we went to Fraser Island in Queensland. Your Aunty Leah was experimenting with all types of sandwich fillings, and that was one of them. We also decided banana and peanut butter was nice, Vegemite and Cheetos a real hit, but we weren’t so keen on tuna and marmalade.’

  ‘Oh yuck!’ Harriet said. ‘That would be disgusting.’

  Leah nodded. ‘Sure was.’

  ‘Will you try our dessert sandwich, Mummy?’ Ava asked.

  ‘Of course.’ She smiled. ‘It’ll bring back lots of memories.’ She didn’t exhale until they started eating their lunch.

  It was the first time she’d really snapped at Sean since the accident.

  The first time the girls had seen her be the old Eve.

  She would almost have laughed at that irony, except laughter was far from her thoughts.

  Jackie’s words kept playing in her head. You need to tell the truth to Sean and your parents.

  Sean packed the last of the lunch dishes into the dishwasher and checked the clock on the microwave. It was nearly one. ‘Time to go,’ he called.

  The girls had been instructed to wash the jam and peanut butter off their faces and get anything they wanted to bring with them in the car.

  He hadn’t meant to upset Eve by questioning her favourite sandwich. She was definitely on edge. He sighed. He couldn’t blame her.

  Sean had been pretty awful to her. His father’s advice continued to play over and over in his mind. His mother was such a strong person to be able to put the situation behind them and move forward in a loving and generous way.

  He shook himself. He wanted an afternoon free of thinking about the situation. Hopefully they could all have some fun.

  Ava and Harriet hurried into the kitchen.

  Ava, with her much loved toy squirrel under her arm and Harriet lugging the large struggling white mass of Lewis.