A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  ‘Ready, Daddy,’ she giggled.

  He couldn’t help but laugh. ‘You can’t bring Lewis, Harry.’

  ‘But you said bring anything you want for the car.’ The little girl grinned from ear to ear. ‘So I chose Lewis.’

  Eve came in behind her and scooped the cat from her arms. ‘I think that’s a great idea, Harry. Perhaps Lewis could drive us there? Now, everyone say your prayers, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and we should be good to go.’

  They all laughed.

  ‘Okay, fine I won’t bring him then,’ Harriet said. ‘He’ll be lonely without us.’

  His wife put Lewis on the floor and he dashed from the kitchen.

  They heard him plodding on the stairs as he raced up to the girls’ bedroom.

  ‘I think he’ll be fine,’ Sean said. ‘Now, let’s go.’

  Sean smiled, watching Eve and the twins take great delight in sitting on the windowsills, dangling their legs outside of the train. He remembered the wind whistling through his hair and soot filling his eyes as he’d hung onto the black safety bars, installed across the open windows, when he was a boy.

  He hadn’t been aware if safety laws would still allow it. He was glad they did, even though it also meant they were dealing with the soot and smoke of the steam engine.

  Luckily Eve had thought to bring the girls’ sunglasses, so at least it was only their clothes that were getting specks of black and they weren’t having to contend with tears from stinging eyes.

  The train tooted as it chugged along the line between Belgrave and Lakeside. They’d already had a short stop at Menzies Creek and expected one more at Emerald before continuing onto the lake where they could get out and explore for forty-five minutes before returning on the four-fifteen train.

  ‘You should hang out the window too, Daddy,’ Ava said. ‘It’s so much fun.’

  ‘Yeah, Dad, you’re missing the best bit,’ Harriet added.

  Sean had been standing behind the girls, his arms around each of their shoulders. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I’ll give it a go.’

  Eve shuffled across giving him room to slip in between her and Ava. He hauled himself up. He laughed struggling to get his legs through the bars. ‘There was a lot more room to do this when I was a kid.’

  ‘That’s better,’ Ava said once he was settled. ‘Now we can all really enjoy it.’

  Sean felt Eve stiffen when he slipped in next to her. She was probably waiting for his announcement that he wanted a divorce.

  What she didn’t realise was how hard that would be for him to do. They had their daughters. They had a history, and since the accident he’d had so much hope for their future.

  The fact that she’d thought she could pass the baby off as his was another thing. Although, what did he really believe? If she didn’t remember the affair, or the state of their relationship before the accident, then perhaps she really had thought it was his. To believe she hadn’t deliberately tried to deceive him was a comforting thought.

  He shut his eyes. The cool air of the Dandenongs whipped against his face while the train chugged along.

  Sean wanted to get past this. It was up to him, of course. He had to be the one to end the marriage, or to accept the situation and try to make it work.

  He opened his eyes and turned to Eve.

  She appeared to be deep in thought. Her face was pale, filled with regret, as she stared out at the passing trees and bushes. The level of remorse she felt had been clear since her announcement.

  He was grateful for that at least.

  Sean swallowed. She was his wife. The mother of his children.

  He took her hand and squeezed it.

  Eve looked at him and offered a small smile when she squeezed his hand back.

  He dropped her fingers and put an arm around her shoulders. Sean tugged her close to him and kissed her head gently. He felt her relax against him.

  On his other side, the twins were nudging each other and giggling.

  ‘Mummy and Daddy sitting in a tree…’ Harriet began.

  He laughed. ‘Okay, that’s enough. Look, we’re coming into Emerald station. See if you can count how many people are waiting to get on the train.’

  His daughters’ focus instantly moved from watching their parents to counting passengers.

  Sean’s heart swelled. Right at this moment, with Eve snuggled against him and the girls having a wonderful time, he was content.

  Leah was quiet while they drove back from Belgrave. They’d had a wonderful day out.

  The girls had wanted Puffing Billy to last a lot longer than it had, and were disappointed when it was time to disembark from their return journey.

  They’d been lucky that it hadn’t been too busy on the train so they’d been able to sit with legs hanging out of the window in both directions. Unfortunately, she was certainly feeling it now. The window ledges weren’t the most comfortable of places to sit for more than an hour at a time.

  They’d only had a short time at Lakeside to wander around, enjoy an ice-cream and have a quick look at a model railway. They’d all agreed to come back again on an earlier train so they could spend the day there.

  Harriet begged to go on a paddleboat on the lake but there wasn’t time.

  ‘Another day,’ Sean had promised.

  Something had changed in him. He was making such an effort. He’d taken her hand as they’d walked around and pulled her close to him a few times, stroking her arm.

  She found herself fighting tears most of the day. While Leah had originally told herself her only reason for stepping into Eve’s shoes was for the twins, that wasn’t completely true.

  She loved Sean.

  He was kind, caring, a wonderful father. She was attracted to him, always had been. But, their relationship was based on a lie. A well-meaning, but poorly thought through lie.

  Leah hated to imagine how he’d react if she told him? How much extra pain she’d inflict on him. It hurt because she’d let Eve down, too.

  ‘You okay?’ Sean squeezed her knee.

  ‘I’m fine.’ She took a deep breath. Her decision was made that moment. ‘But we need to talk. Tonight, when the girls go to bed.’

  He smiled. ‘I was going to suggest the same. It’s been a difficult few weeks, but yes, we need to talk. Need to work out how we move forward.’

  She nodded.

  ‘There’s something I want to say to the twins first, a bit of a surprise.’ Sean smiled again. ‘It’ll be a surprise for you, too. I’ll do it at dinner. Then you and I can talk properly once they’re in bed.’

  Leah closed her eyes for the remainder of the trip home. Her stomach churned considering the girls. Particularly Ava.

  Sean waited until dessert to make his announcement. It was time to step up; to take a leaf out of his mother’s way of operating.

  He waited until each had fruit salad in front of them then picked up his water glass and tapped against it with a spoon. ‘Attention please!’

  His daughters’ chatter stopped as they waited.

  Eve watched him, her face guarded. She obviously had no idea what he was about to say, and by the looks of her, she was terrified at the prospect.

  He took his wife’s hand. ‘Your mother and I have some news.’

  ‘What is it?’ Harriet asked.

  ‘Shh,’ Ava hissed. ‘Let him speak.’

  ‘Your mother and I are very pleased to share some news with you. Sometime in March next year, we will be welcoming your new baby brother or sister.’

  Eve’s sharp intake of breath was audible. She snatched her hand from his.

  Sean turned to her, worry rushing over him. ‘Sorry, should I have not said anything?’

  Eve shook her head, tears filling her eyes while she smiled. ‘No, of course not. I wasn’t expecting you to tell them, that’s all.’

  ‘Why not, Mummy?’ Ava asked. ‘Did you think we wouldn’t be pleased?’

  She shook her head again, tears streaming down her face. ‘Mummys g
et very emotional when they’re pregnant, that’s all.’

  ‘They’re good tears?’ Harriet asked.

  ‘Definitely,’ she said, squeezing her daughter’s hand.

  ‘I hope it’s a girl,’ Ava said. ‘Imagine having a baby sister.’

  ‘I already do,’ Harriet smirked. ‘I’m two minutes older than you, don’t forget that.’

  Ava stuck out her tongue. ‘That doesn’t count, and anyway you act about two years younger.’

  Sean laughed. ‘She’s got you there, Harry. So, now that you know the exciting news, there’s lots you’re both going to have to do.’

  ‘Like what?’ Ava asked.

  ‘Like, help Mummy out a bit more, particularly when her tummy starts to get big when the baby grows. Closer to the time he or she is born we’ll need your help to set up a nursery for the baby and buy some toys.’

  ‘We’ll need to train Lewis, too,’ Harriet said. ‘He might get jealous that he’s not the newest member of the house. We’ll sit him down and talk to him before the baby’s born.’

  ‘I’m going to make a card for the baby,’ Ava said. ‘To welcome her. And maybe a banner.’ She clapped her hands. ‘This is so exciting. I wish you could have the baby right now, Mummy.’

  Sean grinned at his daughters. ‘I knew you’d both be excited.’ He squeezed Eve’s hand. ‘Imagine us, a family of five.’

  ‘Six,’ Ava corrected. ‘Don’t forget Lewis.’

  ‘Maybe seven,’ Harriet said. ‘Mummy might be having twins or more!’

  He laughed. ‘God help us, if that’s the case.’

  Leah finished reading story number four to the twins and tucked them into bed.

  ‘I’m so happy, Mummy,’ Ava said. ‘A baby brother or sister. It’s so exciting.’

  ‘It sure is.’ She leaned down and kissed the little girl’s forehead. ‘Now you sleep well won’t you?’

  She moved across the room to tuck Harriet in and kissed her too. ‘Sweet dreams, Harry.’

  ‘You too, Mummy.’ The child’s voice was soft. The excitement of Puffing Billy had taken it out of her; she was almost asleep.

  Leah switched off the light. ‘I love you, girls.’

  ‘Love you, Mummy,’ they replied.

  She closed the door quietly and leaned against it. She certainly hadn’t counted on Sean making the happy announcement at dinner. There was no way he would’ve done that if he was planning to tell her he wanted a divorce.

  Leah descended the stairs to the kitchen. It was empty. She could hear voices from the television, so she followed into the living room.

  Sean smiled at her, flicked the television off and patted the seat on the couch next to him. ‘I’m sorry I put you on the spot with the girls. I thought it was a nice way of telling them, and telling you I’m okay with it. I’ll consider this baby mine, treat him,’ he grinned, ‘hopefully him, exactly as if he was mine. I want us to move past this, Eve. Get on with living our lives and enjoying each other.’

  The lump in Leah’s throat shot pain back down her throat. It hurt so much she couldn’t talk.

  ‘Things have changed since the accident. You’ve changed, we’ve changed, and it is all for the better. I never imagined we’d have another baby, never thought you’d want one. But maybe, unless this one is twins, too, that’s something we might want to consider again down the track.’

  Leah still hadn’t been able to speak.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  She shook her head. Opened her mouth but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, she found herself suddenly wracked with tears. Her body convulsed with sobs.

  Sean pulled her to him, stroking her back. ‘Hey, it’s okay. That’s what I’m telling you. Everything will be okay. I checked the calendar and have cleared my morning on the fifteenth so I can come with you for the twelve-week scan. I want to be part of this, I want you, and I want this baby.’

  She continued to sob. How on earth was she going to tell him? He’d forgiven her, even agreed to father this child.

  He held her tight, continuing to stroke her back. ‘Come on, Eve,’ he said. ‘You’re beginning to worry me. Happy tears are fine but I’m not convinced this is what these are.’

  Leah moved out of his embrace and excused herself. She went to the downstairs bathroom, blew her nose and dried her tears.

  She perched her hands on the edge of the bathroom vanity and took a number of deep breaths in the hope of calming her churning stomach.

  After a few minutes passed, there was a gentle knock on the door.

  ‘Babe, are you okay?’ Sean’s voice was full of concern.

  ‘Be out in a sec.’ She took another deep breath and opened the bathroom door. ‘Sorry,’ was all she offered.

  He took her hand and led her back to the living room to the couch. ‘I thought you’d be happy?’ he said, sitting next to her. ‘This is what you wanted, isn’t it?’

  Leah nodded. ‘It is, well was. Oh, Jesus.’ She stood and paced the length of the room.

  ‘Eve—’

  She couldn’t meet his eyes. ‘I can’t do this right now. I’m going for a run.’

  ‘But it’s late. You can’t—’

  She ignored Sean and was out of the house within seconds. She closed the front door behind her and ran down the path to the front gate. Didn’t stop until she was far enough down the street to be out of view. By then she was gasping for air.

  She slowed to a walk and continued in the direction of the park. She needed to think. To work out what she should do. She’d been so clear in her own mind that she should tell Sean.

  But now? How could she?

  Leah tried to imagine what Eve would want her to do. Would she want her to continue living this enormous lie? Had she really meant for Leah to take over her life?

  Jackie’s words haunted her. But she wouldn’t have meant for you to literally become their mum.

  She took a deep breath. Jackie was right. Eve wouldn’t have meant it literally. She would’ve meant for Leah to spend time with the girls. Be close to them. Help fill the gap her death had left behind.

  As she reached the wide, open playing fields of Johnstone Park, she was overcome with sadness. She wished Eve was still here. That none of this had ever happened.

  Somehow Leah had managed to turn a tragic event into something even worse. Tears spilled while she continued to walk along the foreshore track. She’d been so preoccupied most of the time, trying to be Eve, that she’d barely had time to grieve for her sister, to miss her.

  She stopped at a bench and sat. She was crying so hard she could no longer see where she was going. How would she ever come to terms with losing her twin?

  Leah hadn’t even been able to talk about her to anyone. Her parents and Sean of course were grieving for her, Leah, and able to talk about her, share stories. There was no one she’d been able to share stories of Eve with, to grieve with.

  The tears continued to flow. Leah closed her eyes trying to get a hold of herself. She was grateful it was getting late and there was no one else around.

  She took deep breaths, trying to bring herself under control. Eventually, she wiped her eyes and stood.

  Sean would be worried sick.

  She owed him an explanation.

  Leah took a deep breath and pushed open the front door.

  Sean immediately appeared in the hallway, his face full of concern. ‘Eve—’

  She put her hand up to silence him. ‘Can you let me talk please, Sean? Let me say everything I need to before you ask questions or get angry or react in any way. Please.’

  He nodded. His eyes filled with fear.

  They moved into the living room and Leah sat opposite Sean. ‘Before I tell you anything, I need you to know how sorry I am. I never imagined things would spiral so quickly out of control.’ She swallowed, the lump in her throat pushing painfully against her. She held her hand up again when it looked like he was going to speak. ‘Let me finish, please.’

  ‘On the night of
the accident, things were crazy. Shock, confusion, terror, you name it.’ Leah took a deep breath. ‘I lied about my sister’s death. I didn’t want anyone to know what she went through. She wasn’t dead when the car finally stopped, she was alive for a few more minutes. Alive long enough to ask me to do something for her. To beg me, in fact. When she died, I was beside myself. My head was throbbing. All I could think about was you and the girls and my parents and everyone close to us. I couldn’t bear the thought of the pain any of us was going to have to go through. Then the paramedics came, and next thing I knew I was in the hospital. A mistake had been made, and I hadn’t corrected it. I assumed when you arrived, it would all be fixed, but then you came and I realised I couldn’t do it. Sean, I was in shock. I was so confused, but it was the one thing that made sense at the time. It was the one thing I could do to make things better, and it was the one thing she asked me to do.’

  ‘What did she ask?’

  ‘She asked me to be her, Sean. She asked me to be Eve.’

  20

  Sean stared at the woman sitting in front of him. ‘What?’

  Tears ran down her face. ‘Eve asked me to be her. She asked me to be a mum to the girls. She couldn’t bear the thought of the pain that any of you would go through.’

  ‘Eve’s…Eve’s dead?’

  Leah nodded, her eyes brimming with tears.

  Air whooshed from his gut, as if he’d been punched.

  His wife, the mother of his girls was dead?

  He was looking at Leah, not Eve.

  Sean took his head in his hands. How could he have been so stupid? How could Leah have done this to them?

  Anger rose within him staring at his sister-in-law. ‘And you said yes?’ His voice shook. ‘You thought you could just slip in and be Eve? That you could steal her life?’

  Tears spilled down Leah’s cheeks. She quickly wiped them with her sleeve. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight. The doctors were calling me Eve because of a mistake at the accident site. We were dressed identically. There was no way they knew which of us was which. I had Eve’s final words ringing in my head, then you turned up. You were so happy Eve was alive. So grateful she’d been spared. Then when the girls came to visit it also felt like the right decision. I wasn’t stealing her life. I was fulfilling a promise. Trying to reduce the pain and suffering you and the girls would go through.’