A Life Worth Living

by Louise Guy

  ‘But what about Eve? She’s gone and no one has mourned her. There’s been no celebration of her life. Nothing.’

  She didn’t respond. Her face was pale. Her hands trembled.

  Sean couldn’t wrap his head around the enormity of what she’d done. ‘You gave up your entire life, your parents, your friends, your work, to become Eve?’ He paced around the living room. Then stopped by the liquor cabinet and—hand shaking as much as hers—poured himself a large scotch.

  He threw it back in one gulp, and left his empty glass next to the bottle, sitting back on the couch taking his head in his hands.

  Eve was dead.

  Sean looked up at Leah, tears filling his eyes. ‘How am I supposed to tell them? How do I tell them that their mother died and what you’ve done? How are two little girls going to deal with losing you both at once?’

  ‘I wasn’t trying to deceive anyone, Sean. I thought I was doing the best for everyone.’

  ‘Why tell me now then? After putting me through thinking my wife is pregnant by another man you decide, on the night I tell you I’m willing to accept this baby as my own, it would be a good idea to come clean? Why not keep the charade up? Let me go on believing you’re my wife? Ironically our relationship has been better than it has in years. Before the accident, Eve and I were heading towards divorce. Now, for the first time in years, I could see a future for us.’

  ‘I realised that the vomiting isn’t just morning sickness, Sean. I look at you and the girls every day and realise how much I want to be here, how much I love you all and then I feel guilt. We’re living a colossal lie.’

  ‘That’s an understatement,’ he said. ‘So, what do we do now? Legally you’re dead. Your entire family thinks you’re dead. So do your friends and work colleagues. Are you expecting them to accept you back into their lives like you’d never died? They’ve grieved for you, missed you.’

  ‘I have no idea what to do. Jackie knows. I told her this morning. I don’t know if our friendship will ever be the same.’

  ‘I doubt anything will ever be the same. There will be legal consequences, too. Do you realise that? You can’t pretend to be dead and take over someone else’s identity.’

  She shook her head. ‘It wasn’t high on my list of concerns. I was more worried about you and the girls and Mum and Dad.’

  He stared for a long moment. Had she really done this for them? He stood. ‘I’m going out. I need to clear my head.’

  She watched as he turned and left the room.

  Sean pushed himself harder and harder, his chest burning, through the dark streets of Brighton towards the beach.

  He’d been running for over fifteen minutes, counting the rhythmic thud of his footsteps as he pounded along the path. The counting was helping to push all other thoughts from his head. He slowed when he reached the running track overlooking the beach.

  It was dark but the streetlights lit up enough to be able to see the dark ripple of the ocean. The salty smell of seaweed and ocean filled his nostrils. He breathed deeply, trying to catch his breath. He slowed to a gradual walk, eventually stopping at a picnic table.

  Sean sat on the table, his feet resting on the bench seat as he gazed out to sea. The sky was filled with stars. He shivered; a jumper would’ve been a good idea.

  Tears filled his eyes. Eve was dead.

  She’d hardly been the perfect wife, and it was true, prior to the accident he’d been seriously thinking of asking her for a divorce, but he wouldn’t ever wish her dead.

  He shook his head. How could Leah have done it? Didn’t she realise how many people she’d hurt? How would they move forward? Another funeral? This time, for Eve? How would Peggy and Bill react?

  The grieving would start again. Eve’s friends, Nicola and… Sean stopped there. Other than Nicola, she hadn’t had any close friends. A lot of colleagues and acquaintances, but not that many friends. Still, they’d all be very upset to learn of her death.

  To think that Leah had not only been passing herself off as Eve West, wife and mother, but she’d been going to work, too. It certainly made sense to why Peter had asked her to take some time off.

  She’d been visiting her parents, catching up with Nicola. Everyone commented about how different she’d become since the accident; so much warmer, a better wife, a better mother. Not one of them, including him, had ever been suspicious she wasn’t Eve.

  She was being treated for memory loss for goodness’ sake. Of course she didn’t have Eve’s memories. They weren’t hers to have.

  All the soul searching he’d done since talking to his father. Weighing up whether or not he could take on another man’s baby. That paled in comparison to the conversation he was going to have to have with Ava and Harriet. He was a single dad, a widower. How on earth was he going to make that work?

  His thoughts shifted to Leah. He’d grown close to her. Thought he’d fallen back in love with his wife.

  It made so much sense now. All the things he’d fallen in love with; her kindness, her gentle nature and adoration of the girls, were not traits Eve had ever possessed. She’d happily accepted Lewis into their home, started drinking coffee and eating bread and sugar. Baking cakes and treats.

  These should have been sure-fire signals that all was not okay, but he hadn’t focused on any of it. He’d put everything unusual down to the accident and if anything, had been immensely grateful for the changes. Even her protectiveness of the baby growing inside her. Two years after the twins were born, Eve had thought she might be pregnant.

  It’d turned out to be a false alarm, but Sean had been shocked at the time when she’d announced she’d be making an appointment immediately to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way she was going through labour and the nightmare of another newborn. It definitely wasn’t for her. That time, it would’ve been his baby.

  For Eve to have been so adamant she was keeping the baby should’ve been another big red flag. The post-accident changes in ‘Eve’ had been enough to accept this, too.

  He climbed off the table and started walking in the direction of home, his mind shifting to the girls. They’d lost more than their mother. The happiness, the love they’d received from the woman they thought was Eve was about to be ripped away from them.

  Guilt settled like a rock in the pit of his stomach. He’d been happier in the past weeks than he had been in years, and from their behaviour, the girls had, too. Part of him wished Eve had been more like Leah when she was alive. It was unfair, but true.

  Leah had shown them how happy a family could be. How loved they could feel. She wasn’t faking her feelings towards him or the girls. They were genuine. She’d said that she loved all of them. His feelings had been real too. Or at least he thought they were, now he didn’t know what to believe.

  He sighed. His anger gave way to a small level of understanding. It was her nature. She always was the one to try to put things right.

  Sean had no idea what the next steps were. Did they have a funeral for Eve? What repercussions would Leah face legally? How were the girls going to take this?

  He shook his head. He still couldn’t believe she’d done it. Given up her own life to become Eve? It made no sense at all.

  Leah wasn’t in the living room when Sean got back. He went upstairs. The light was on in their bedroom.

  He shook his head. The morning he’d brought her home from the hospital, she’d made her way towards the guest room before realising she wasn’t a guest. That she was supposed to be sleeping in the main room.

  Sean knocked and poked his head in to the room. ‘Can I come in?’

  Leah was sitting up in bed. Tissues in one hand, stroking Lewis, who was stretched out beside her, with the other. She nodded.

  He came around and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘I don’t really know what to say or do right now. I need time to process everything. What I do know is what you did was for Eve, me and the girls. It was a huge sacrifice.’

  ‘You don’t hate me?’ she aske
d.

  ‘No, I don’t hate you. I’m freaked out, though. I’m sad for Eve, sad for the girls. I’m sad for all of us. But I also recognise we lost Eve that night, and we already knew that. The Eve that returned from the hospital wasn’t the same person, and for that I was grateful. Eve wasn’t cut out for motherhood and that has always worried me. Something changed in her when she had the girls. Or at least it appeared that way.’

  He sighed. ‘I think having two people dependent on her was overwhelming and she rejected the idea of motherhood. She chose not to breastfeed. Went back to work when they were three months old. She wasn’t maternal, and fought against the idea of bonding with them. It made me very sad. I’d hoped when they got older she’d change. But she didn’t. She found them more tolerable, but that was about it. Ava was scared of her.’

  Tears flowed down Leah’s cheeks again. ‘I know Eve was trying her best. We talked about it before the accident. She was going to make more of an effort. She never got the chance.’

  He stared. ‘I’m glad she was at least aware she needed to change. But you changed Eve for us. For starters, Ava’s not scared of her mother anymore. I don’t know how she’s going to cope when she finds out the truth. Eve constantly let her down, and she didn’t trust her. After this, I can’t imagine she’s going to trust anyone.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Sean. I know they’re only words, and they don’t fix anything, but I need you to know I am truly sorry.’

  ‘I know that. Like I said, I know you thought you were doing this for all the right reasons.’

  ‘Do you want me to move out?’ Leah asked. ‘I can go tomorrow if you like.’

  ‘Where would you go?’

  ‘To Mum and Dad’s, I guess. If they’ll have me. There’s no guarantee of that, of course. I could probably stay at Jackie’s until I get myself sorted out.’

  Sean shook his head. ‘No, for now I’d like you to stay. I’m not sure I want to tell the girls, yet. I need some time to think about things. I want to look into what it means for you, too. Whether there’ll be legal ramifications. Do you mind being Eve for a few more days?’

  ‘That’s fine. I won’t talk to Mum and Dad until we’ve told the twins and worked out how to move forward.’ She hesitated. ‘Sean, I love the girls. I wish I was their mother. There was no pretending when it came to that. All of my feelings were true. Not only for the girls, but for you too.’

  He stood. ‘I’m going to have a shower and sleep in the spare room. Let’s do our best to act like nothing has changed in the morning.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘And, Leah.’ He turned when he reached the bedroom door. ‘As big a mess as this all is, I do know your heart was in the right place.’

  Leah was glad for the companionship of Lewis that night. She hardly slept, but was comforted by his constant purrs and occasional snores.

  She lay awake obsessing about Eve. To their childhood and how she’d constantly got into trouble for being involved in her sister’s mostly hair-brained schemes. They’d never been thought through. Her twin had acted on impulse and her enthusiasm for whatever mad scheme she’d thought up was usually contagious. This situation was no different.

  She dozed off around four and was woken by giggles a little after seven.

  ‘Mummy, you’ve slept in,’ Ava said. ‘You need to get up. We have to go to school.’

  Leah glanced at the clock and groaned. ‘Oh gosh, sorry girls. We’re going to have to be quick.’ She focused on the twins, who stood in front of her in their school uniforms. ‘You’re dressed already?’

  ‘Yep, and we had breakfast too,’ Harriet said. ‘Daddy was snoring in the spare room.’

  ‘Why did he sleep there?’ Ava asked. ‘Did you have a fight?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, he worked late and said he didn’t want to wake me when he came to bed. Lewis was here with me.’ She looked around the room. ‘I wonder where he’s gone.’

  ‘He’s downstairs having breakfast,’ Ava said. She whispered to Harriet. ‘Did you put his bowl back on the floor?’

  Harriet’s eyes widened and her little mouth hung open, then she dashed out of the room.

  Leah laughed. ‘I take it Lewis was set a place at the table while you ate your breakfast.’

  Ava nodded. ‘Are you mad, Mummy? We thought it was easier because he kept jumping up trying to eat our cereal. We knew you wouldn’t want us sharing that with him.’

  She clambered out of bed and ruffled Ava’s hair. ‘It’s fine, honey. But, let’s not make a habit of it. Now, let me quickly get ready and I’ll be down in a minute to make your lunches. Tell Harriet to brush her teeth and we’ll be on time. You two have done a great job this morning, I’m really proud of you.’

  Ava beamed.

  ‘We’d better wake Daddy too,’ Leah said. ‘He’ll be late for work otherwise.’

  Sean pulled out of the driveway, a piece of toast in one hand, the other on the steering wheel.

  Leah had made him coffee, which was sitting in the drink holder of the Mercedes. He almost laughed at the absurdity of it. Eve wouldn’t have allowed anything to be eaten or drunk in either of their cars, let alone handed him a piece of toast to take.

  The morning had been a mad rush, thanks to both of them sleeping in. Leah’s decision to cut back Kate’s hours to only two days a week certainly hadn’t been appreciated, by either of them, today.

  From the dark circles under her eyes he assumed she’d managed about the same amount of sleep he had.

  He’d been wracked with guilt all night. Sean could never take back his final words to Eve. Guilt also nagged because he hadn’t shed a tear since learning Eve really was gone. He was just…numb.

  Yet, at the hospital when he’d been told Leah had died, he’d felt like he’d been stabbed. He’d been so shocked and so upset.

  Sean joined the throngs of traffic on Nepean Highway heading towards the CBD. His mind was a jumble.

  He took a deep breath. The first thing he planned to do when he arrived at the office was look into the legal ramifications for Leah. They couldn’t be good.

  The day dragged for Leah. After dropping the twins at school, she’d returned home and spent most of the morning on the couch with the comfort of Lewis beside her.

  She’d stroked her beautiful cat. She’d be saying goodbye to him when she moved out. There was no way she could take him from the girls now that they were so attached. It was all such a mess, although Sean’s reaction was above and beyond anything she would’ve imagined.

  He seemed to understand why she’d done what she had and wasn’t furious with her. It was a relief. Was it too much to hope that her parents would feel the same way?

  Eventually Leah dragged herself up off the couch, cleaned up the breakfast dishes and put on a load of washing. Her thoughts continually flicked back to the accident, to Eve. To her last moments.

  She wiped the dampness from her cheeks. How she wished she could turn back time. That she could do something to prevent the accident from happening in the first place.

  It wouldn’t have stopped the twins from going through the pain of their parent’s divorcing, assuming Sean and Eve’s relationship had come to that, but she wouldn’t be responsible for any of it.

  She’d be there to pick up the pieces, support Eve and Sean and help with their daughters, without feeling any guilt.

  Leah opened the cupboard in the laundry and took out the cleaning supplies. She needed to distract herself, keep busy. Nothing like cleaning bathrooms to do that.

  Even with the twins home to keep her occupied, the afternoon had continued to drag.

  Sean arrived in time for dinner, and they both did their best to have fun with the girls and not give them any reason to worry. They put them to bed and sat down together in the living room.

  ‘I need to know something,’ he said. ‘The night of the accident, Eve and I had a huge fight. I said things I can never take back.’ He ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair. ‘Things I�
�ll always regret. I was worried it might’ve affected her driving. That perhaps the accident was avoidable if she hadn’t had that glass of wine and wasn’t so riled up.’

  ‘Eve wasn’t driving. When she picked me up, she said she’d had a drink and could feel it. She asked me to drive. I’ve gone over it a million times. The kangaroo appeared out of nowhere. I didn’t have time to do anything but swerve. If the barrier hadn’t been broken at that point on the road we probably would’ve hit it and stopped.’

  Sean stared. ‘She wasn’t driving?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘That’s one thing at least. But I said terrible things to her that night. Things I can never take back.’

  ‘And she said terrible things to you many times, too,’ Leah said. ‘She called you a prick when she got in the car and spent most of the drive to the party laughing and talking about other things. Whatever you said didn’t seem to concern her too much.’

  ‘Really?’

  She nodded. She’d never be certain how Eve had been feeling about Sean, although her sister mentioning something did suggest it’d affected her. Confirming that now wasn’t going to achieve anything.

  He sat in silence for a few minutes, digesting this information.

  Leah’s stomach churned. She dreaded telling the girls and her parents.

  What were they all going to think of her? Would they be able to see she was trying to do the right thing, or would they think she was trying to have a life that was better than her own? She couldn’t imagine how any of them would react.

  ‘I have a proposition for you.’