Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Who is that?” I asked, my voice low, not wanting others outside of our table to overhear.

  Sienna leaned closer. “Dillon? I think Aiden said that’s their brother. I don’t know the story, he sort of mumbled it to me when I saw him at the funeral, and I asked point-blank. Like I said, I don’t know the story behind it, but he looks an awful lot like Aiden and Cameron. And because he didn’t live here with Jack and Rose, he’s not a foster brother. I know it seemed to hurt Aiden to even talk about it, though, so I didn’t ask any more questions.”

  I sat back in my chair, blinking. Another brother?

  That was different, but it was all a little too much for me to think about just then. I’d figure out what it all meant later. For now, I held up my shot towards the other ladies, who did the same. We clinked glasses, slugged them back, and then slammed the glasses on the table.

  We each chugged half of our beers and then did the other shots before finishing the other half of our ales like we were younger than we were.

  My stomach grumbled, and I knew that drinking on an empty stomach was probably stupid, but we were here to not only support the bar and the Connollys but also make the plans that we needed to for the next time we met up.

  We needed to clean out Allison’s apartment, and we needed to go through every single one of her things. And it was going to kill me, day by day.

  No, I couldn’t say that phrase. I couldn’t say “kill me,” or “I just want to die.” All of those phrases that we use in the vernacular. Like “I could just kill myself” or stupid things like that. Because those were real words. And they really meant something.

  Death was real. Allison was gone. And I needed to not be an idiot and use words that hurt, even if I was only saying them to myself. Cameron came over with a plate of wings and three glasses of water, as well as three more beers. He held back the shots, and for that I was grateful. Two shots and chugging a beer was probably too much for me already. I would likely feel it in the morning. But maybe I needed to feel it. Perhaps I just needed to feel period.

  “Thanks,” Harmony said as she handed out the plates that Cameron had given us. “They look great.”

  Cameron nodded. “We were always good with wings, Aiden makes the sauce even better. But don’t tell him I said that.”

  “I heard you anyway,” Aiden said, elbowing his brother out of the way. “Now, these are nachos, but not just any nachos. I added some shredded chicken and a little bit of better cheese than what you can squeeze out of a bottle.”

  He went on to explain the nachos in every single detail, and they did look fabulous. They may have sounded a little pretentious as he described them, but even then, the smell wafting up made my stomach grumble and my mouth salivate. Sienna was practically hanging off every word Aiden said, but then again, maybe I was just seeing things. Sienna and Aiden had always been friends, and we had hung out with Allison and Aiden often when they were dating. Or perhaps I was just trying to put a new spin on things so I wouldn’t have to think about Cameron and the fact that he was still standing there, watching us.

  “They smell amazing,” I said as I reached for one. I took a bite and almost groaned aloud. It was only the fact that Cameron was still glaring that I didn’t. Maybe if I really hated the fact that he was still there, I would have made more of a scene about it. But I didn’t want to hurt him. The whole point of my pain was that I didn’t want to hurt at all. So, lashing out wouldn’t help. He had left years ago. I stayed. He hadn’t given me a reasonable explanation, so I could be pissed at that. But I wasn’t going to be petty and try to hurt him over nachos.

  Delicious, amazing nachos. The best I’d ever had.

  Oh my God, I wasn’t going to make it much longer. I wanted to shove my face into the appetizer and eat them all.

  Some look must have crossed my face because Cameron just snorted. “Well, apparently, the nachos are a hit. Aiden, I guess you win.”

  Aiden just grinned. “Of course, I win. And this is just the start. Just wait until you see what I can do with mushrooms.”

  “Like deep-frying them?” Cameron asked, and I knew he was just fucking with his brother.

  But Aiden fell for the bait because he narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, probably to yell. But before that could happen, Brendon walked in, a smooth smile on his face.

  Brendon was always smooth. Sometimes, I thought he was too smooth, but I had seen the rough edges and knew there was more beneath the surface. He slid between the twins and put his arms around their shoulders. “I see that we have special guests tonight.”

  “Yes, but your brothers seem to have already noticed.” Harmony laughed as she said it, and Brendon rolled his eyes.

  It was nice seeing Harmony laugh, I didn’t see it often enough. I would have thought that seeing Brendon would hurt her because whenever I thought of him now, I always thought of Moyer. But that wasn’t really how Harmony felt. And maybe that was good. Maybe it was good that she would be okay, and that she wasn’t stressing out like I was. Or maybe I was just going crazy.

  “Why don’t you join us?” Sienna asked, gesturing to the larger table that we were at. The rush seemed to be over, and I held back a twinge that it seemed to be over quite quickly. But with the food I was tasting, I had a feeling that maybe the bar would do better soon, especially if this was one of the changes the brothers were making. I hoped it would turn around because I didn’t want to lose Connollys.

  The bar. Not just the Connollys. I had already lost them, right?

  “I think that could be arranged,” Brendon said, taking a chair beside Sienna. Aiden took the chair nearest him so he was sitting beside me. Cameron just shook his head. I tried not to feel disappointed. There was no reason to feel that way. I didn’t know this Cameron, wasn’t sure I even liked him. But I sure as hell didn’t like the fact that he reminded me of all the pain he’d caused when he walked away.

  “I need to make sure Beckham isn’t alone up there. I know we’re not too busy,”—he paused, and the brothers looked at each other before looking away—“but he needs to take his break soon. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll be sure to send Dillon over.”

  And with that, he walked away, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do. Because Cameron Connolly wasn’t supposed to be in my life. Not anymore.

  Yes, I had walked into his damn bar, but that didn’t mean that I really wanted him in my life. I didn’t want to have these feelings where I wanted to make sure that he was okay and comfort him. I wasn’t supposed to want any of that. But, apparently, I was losing my mind.

  Aiden brought out another dish, this time with pork belly and some other sauces that I hadn’t really heard of before. That second beer after those shots had really hit me, and now I was drinking water. I didn’t want to get drunk, I just wanted to stop feeling.

  It was nice catching up with the guys, finding out what they had been up to and what they were doing now. But in reality, I just wanted to know more about Cameron. Because I’d missed him. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I didn’t. Because I did. He made me happy. Or at least he had. And, yes, I was probably setting myself up for more heartbreak even having him in my life, though it wasn’t like I wanted anything more than him serving me booze and talking to his brothers. But it would probably happen. It usually did.

  Aiden and Brendon didn’t really talk about Cameron or Dillon, but they were the two giant gorillas in the room. It was evident that Dillon was related to them, at least to the twins, but Aiden didn’t talk about him at all. Didn’t even look at him. And I had no idea what that was about.

  All I knew was that Cameron was apparently hurt, and my stupid, emotional soul wanted to reach out and make sure that he was okay.

  Maybe I did need more beer.

  “Yeah, we’re thinking about doing it maybe tomorrow or the next day. We don’t have as much time as we should because of her landlord, but we’ll get it done.” I pulled my thoughts from my self-pity and looked up as Harmony
casually mentioned the fact that we needed to clean out Allison’s apartment. Sienna wiped away a tear, and Aiden leaned closer to my sister and gripped her shoulder before quickly letting go. Sienna didn’t move towards him, but then I wasn’t sure if she had noticed the touch at all. She was closing in on herself, much like I did. We were far too alike sometimes.

  “We can help if you want,” Brendon said then cleared his throat. “I know I helped when, well…you know.”

  I had forgotten that. I hadn’t been able to help Harmony as much as I wanted to when she had to clean out some of her house after Moyer’s death. Harmony had decided to move to a smaller place after her husband died. The couple had bought a larger home because they had been planning on having a family, and I didn’t think that Harmony had wanted to live there once her husband was gone.

  I didn’t blame her for moving, but I hadn’t been able to help with the move as much as I wanted to. My grant had been up, and I had been working practically twenty-hour days trying to make sure that I still had a job and that those under me could keep their jobs, as well. I knew Harmony understood, but I had never forgiven myself. But, apparently, Brendon had been there for her. He had been friends with Moyer, so it made sense.

  “You don’t have to help,” I said quickly. “I mean, we might need some help with the heavy lifting, and I know that my brother wanted to come up from the Springs, but I don’t know if he’ll be able to.” Mace and Adrienne were working harder than ever because their shop had made the national news and they now had to turn clients away at this point. So, it wasn’t like he could really take time away from his family to come and help me out. He would if I asked, but if others closer could help, maybe we should take them up on it.

  “Of course, we’ll help,” Aiden said. “You just tell us when you need us, and we’ll be there.”

  Something warmed inside me, and it felt weird. I knew that my friends and I weren’t alone. We had each other. We’d always had each other. But with my family so far away—even if only an hour—sometimes, I felt like it was just the three of us. The three of us against the world—when it should have been four.

  So, maybe having help even in the form of friends that I had thought long gone, maybe that was good for us.

  “I think that’s exactly what we need,” Harmony said, nodding.

  Cameron didn’t come back to the table. Instead, he sent Beckham. I didn’t know if that was about the brothers or me, or if maybe he really did have to deal with the broken tap that Beckham mentioned. It didn’t really matter, though, because we were leaving. And Cameron wasn’t mine. He hadn’t been for a very long time.

  I made sure that I picked up all my stuff, still a little buzzed even with all the water that I drank and food in my belly. We said goodbye to the others, promising that we’d let them know when we decided to clean Allison’s place, and then we made our way to the car service area and then home.

  As soon as I walked through my door, I locked it behind me then slid to the floor, tears sliding down my cheeks.

  Everything hurt so much.

  Allison was supposed to be out with us. She would have been the one to make us laugh and bring the boys over so we could get over whatever issues we might have had with them. She would have been the one to make everything okay. But she was gone.

  And I was left behind.

  And it just hurt.

  I hoped it wouldn’t always hurt. But I was afraid. I was so afraid that it would.

  Chapter Six

  Cameron

  “Hey, bro, I think your girl left this.”

  I turned around at the sound of Dillon’s voice and frowned. “My girl?”

  Dillon rolled his eyes like the eighteen-year-old he was. At least that had gotten better over the past few years. When the little brat had been younger, the eye rolling had never ceased. Ever. It was like a constant state of eye rolling. I wasn’t quite sure how Dillon had been able to see anything when he was doing that constantly. But then again, I was pretty much the same way when I was his age.

  “Your girl, the one who came with her friends that you were talking to. She sat with her friends that Brendon and Aiden seemed to know. You know, the ones from the funeral?”

  “I know who you’re talking about, but why do you think she’s my girl?” I didn’t know why I was continuing this odd conversation, but for some reason, I wanted to know why Dillon thought that Violet was my girl. Because she was definitely not mine. Not anymore. The way she could barely look at me was proof of that.

  “Brendon mentioned it.” The fact that the kid was talking to Brendon at all was a good sign. If only he could do the same with Aiden. Dillon continued. “He said that you used to date or something. I don’t know. But she was there, and you guys had this whole like explosive chemistry thing going on—not that I know anything about that,” he added as he held up his hands in a surrendering gesture.

  Apparently, I looked slightly menacing or something, but I couldn’t really help it. I hated the fact that my brothers talked about me behind my back, but then again, I sort of did the same with them when I was worried. Brendon wasn’t technically Dillon’s brother, but of the two of them, at least between Brendon and Aiden, Brendon was getting closer to Dillon.

  Aiden was keeping his distance, and I understood that, after all, there was a lot of baggage when it came to the three of us and how we were related.

  “She’s not my girl anymore.”

  “Because you left?” A pause. “You left her because of me, right?”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose, not really wanting to have this conversation but knowing that this one—as well as many others—were long overdue. Thankfully, we were in the back where it was just the two of us and Beckham coming in and out so we wouldn’t be overheard too much. Because I really didn’t want to have this conversation while I was with the rest of the staff or any customers.

  “We broke up because I was an idiot.”

  “You cheated?”

  I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. But I like the fact that you think cheating makes you an idiot. Because…don’t cheat. That makes you more than an idiot. It makes you worse than the scum that you find on the bottom of your shoe. Just make sure you remember that.”

  Dillon rolled his eyes again. “Of course. I’m not a dork.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “But you still didn’t answer my question. What happened?”

  I shook my head. “That’s something I really need to talk with Violet about first.” I let out a sigh. “But I’ll never regret finding you. I’ll never regret being your big brother and having you in my life. I hope you know that.” I stuffed my hands into my pockets, and Dillon did the same. I didn’t even think he realized he had done it, or that it mirrored my movement and said that we were related in more than just DNA.

  “Yeah, well, I guess you don’t suck.”

  “Thanks for that. But you really think this is her scarf?” I asked, holding the silky, blue thing up close to my face. I could smell her on it, that sweet scent that was just Violet. Oh, I had seen her wearing it, and I knew it was hers. I just needed Dillon to say it too, just to make sure that I wasn’t imagining things. Or seeing things that I wanted to be true.

  “It’s hers. So, do you want me to put it in the lost and found, or do you want to go to her house and give it to her? That way, it’s that whole, ‘hey, you left this. Here,’ thing.”

  “Really? What kind of movies have you been watching? I thought they all had things blowing up, not those romantic comedies you seem to want me in.”

  Dillon just grinned. “I watch things. I know things.”

  “Yeah, you sure do know a lot. Now, go finish taking out the trash, and I’ll figure out what to do with this scarf.”

  “Just don’t be all gross with it and like, jerk off into it or something. Okay? Because she seemed like a really nice lady, and you doing that…kind of creepy.”

  I let out a groan and pinched the bridge of my no
se. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Because that is disgusting. And if I ever hear you doing any of that, well, I really hope I never hear about it. But if I do, I’m going to kick your ass.”

  “That sounds like a plan. Because I’m not some creepy jerk. I just really hope you aren’t either. Now, off to the dregs. Yay for taking out the trash.”

  Dillon grunted and growled and went back to his work. I just rolled my eyes much like my little brother had done earlier.

  “I’m losing my damn mind.” And the fact that I was talking to myself just told me that I’d probably already lost it instead of just started to lose it.

  I looked down at the blue scarf in my hand and squeezed it just a little bit so I could feel the softness between my fingers. I knew where Violet lived thanks to Brendon, who seemed to know everything. I wouldn’t have to ask anyone or even look her up.

  Knowing it was probably a bad idea, I told Beckham that I was heading out for the night, well aware that the other man would be able to easily close alone since it was his job, and got into my car. I was probably making a huge mistake, but then again, I made a lot of those. More so recently than ever before.

  And I wanted to see her. I wanted to make sure that she was okay. Because I knew she really wasn’t, not after losing Allison. Aiden wasn’t okay, how could Violet be?

  She lived in a small house in one of the suburban neighborhoods close to downtown Denver. I knew she worked at the old university that we had all gone to, but it was kind of nice seeing her in a house that she owned, being a grownup. I’d just recently bought a small house that I shared with Dillon. I guess signing the papers meant that I was staying, even more so than me trying to fit in at a pub that wasn’t really mine. Or one that didn’t feel like mine anyway. I had made good money when I was in California, and selling off my old place had made me even more. So, I could send Dillon to college and not even have to worry about saving for it. Because I already had. I just hadn’t been paying close enough attention to make sure the kid actually got in. But that was changing. I wasn’t going to remain the idiot I had been, thinking that we had it all figured out and handled.