Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Allison would’ve already known the size of his penis,” Sienna said.

  My brows rose. “Huh? Are you saying that she would’ve already seen it? Because I have questions about that.”

  Sienna shook her head, smiling, and this time I thought it actually reached her eyes. And we were talking about Allison. That was progress. Even if just a little. “No, I’m saying she would’ve already gotten it out of you. In fact, I’m a bit surprised that we don’t actually know about the size and girth of this penis since you’ve already bounced on it a few times. In fact, you bounced on it a lot before. So, why didn’t we ever ask before now? I feel like we’re missing out on this whole friend thing.”

  “I agree. You didn’t tell us about his penis at all before. Is there something we should know? Is his penis okay?” Harmony sounded so serious that I couldn’t help but laugh, tears rolling down my face.

  “I don’t think we’ve ever actually used the word penis in conversation as much as we did just now.”

  “Oh, I think at my bachelorette party we said penis a lot. But we were drunk, and Allison kept saying ‘shot, shot, shot.’”

  Harmony laughed as she said it, and for that, I was grateful. We were learning, healing, and trying to figure out how to have conversations about the people who were no longer with us. We were not only talking about Allison, we were also talking about somebody’s bachelorette party. A bachelorette party for a wedding to a husband that was no longer with us. That was progress. I hated that we had to have this kind of progress at all, but I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t want to be scared anymore. And I didn’t want to feel this pain when I thought about the people who weren’t here.

  “Cameron’s penis is just fine.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Meadow said, deadpan.

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “So, his penis isn’t fine?” Sienna asked, leaning forward. “Is there anything you can do? Wait, he has to be really great at oral if his penis sucks. Because if he isn’t good at any of that, I don’t know why you’re with him.”

  “Oh, stop it, all of you. Cameron’s penis is amazing. It’s long, it’s thick, he knows exactly what to do with it. Oh, and he’s really good at oral. He was really good at oral before, and he’s even better now. I can come like three to eight times a night, just with that mouth of his. But his penis? Best penis ever. Now, I never want to have this conversation again because I think I’m beet-red. And I’m about to get some skincare that might be completely negated because we keep talking about the word penis.”

  They were all silent for a moment before everybody dissolved into fits of laughter. Soon, we were each wiping tears from our faces and shaking our heads.

  “I’m so proud of you,” Harmony said. “And so happy for you. I mean, a man that’s good with his mouth and his cock? It’s like the holy grail.” She paused. “Well, maybe not the holy grail, that seems kind of sacrilegious right there. But you know, it’s like a unicorn. Yes, Cameron is a unicorn.”

  “Oh my God. Now I’m going to picture him with like a horn on his head. Or like one of those…remember that photo we saw of the guy in all purple with like his mane of random-colored hair, and he had the hooves on his hands so he was like cosplaying a unicorn?”

  “Oh God, now I’m going to just picture Cameron like that all the time,” Sienna said. “I mean, we’re going to the bar later tonight, right? Or is that tomorrow? Why can I never remember what my schedule is without my phone in hand?”

  “The pool league starts tomorrow,” I answered.

  “Okay, good. Because now that gives me time to find something with a unicorn for him to wear for us. He can be our mascot.”

  “You’ve officially lost your damned mind,” I said, laughing again. “And now, if I picture Cameron dressed as a unicorn while having sex with him, I’m going to blame all of you. If that happens, a curse on your sex lives. A curse.”

  Meadow patted my leg. “You know, it’s kind of mean to curse our sex lives when you’re the only one having one.”

  “You know, Meadow,” Harmony said, leaning forward again so she could meet Meadow’s eyes. “I think you’re my new best friend. Because I totally agree. You’re not allowed to put a pox on all our sex houses.”

  “I cannot believe you just tried to use a Shakespeare quote. About sex.”

  “It’s Shakespeare. There’s always weird sex in Shakespeare.” Sienna frowned. “Right? I actually don’t remember reading Shakespeare. I mostly remember that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. He was so young then.”

  I shook my head and leaned back, closing my eyes as my friends talked about Leonardo DiCaprio then versus now. We were all in agreement that we really didn’t like him now but had had such a crush on him in The Man in the Iron Mask. What was it with that sweet baby face of his and that long hair? It made no sense.

  “Seriously, though, you’re smiling again,” Sienna said softly, and the others quieted down.

  I looked down at my hands, wondering if that was true. It could be, I didn’t really know how to explain happiness. I had been so stressed about so many things and focused on trying to just keep my head above water, that the idea of joy seemed almost farfetched.

  “I feel like I could be happy,” I said softly. “Mostly because I feel like I’m me again, just not the same me as I was before.”

  “You’re never going to be the same person you were a week ago, even a day ago. So, you’re definitely not the same person you were when you were with Cameron the first time,” Harmony said softly. “And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to be the same person after things happen.”

  “He broke me.” I hadn’t meant to say the words, but then again, my friends knew. Meadow might not know as much, but she knew a lot. And she was here now, so I wasn’t going to hide how I felt from her. There was no use in doing that. Plus, I knew she had secrets of her own, and I never wanted to pry. “He broke me into a million pieces. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. That I did something wrong that made him run away.”

  “I never did get to throat-punch him,” Sienna said softly.

  That made me smile, but only for a moment. “He apologized, though. He explained, and I forgave him. I do forgive him. And, yes, while I can’t forget—we’re not supposed to forget what hurts us—it does make me more cautious. But I also can’t walk into every part of our relationship wondering when he’s going to leave me again. That’s not healthy, and it would make being with him completely idiotic. You know?”

  “I think he realized what he did wrong. You can tell that he’s not the same person he was. And from what you said, and from how he acts, he never left to be malicious. He didn’t leave because he didn’t love you.”

  I rubbed at my chest, frowning. “No, he didn’t love me enough. Or I didn’t love what we had enough. Maybe he didn’t trust me at all. But I can honestly say it doesn’t matter now. Because that’s done with. He’s back. He apologized. He groveled.”

  “But did he grovel enough?” Sienna asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know if it would be enough for anyone else, but I think he groveled enough for me, for us. Because I see the way he is with Dillon. I see how his relationship with Aiden and Brendon is forever changed and how he was forced into a situation that he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know how to fix it. His relationships or the bar. And every time I tried to pull away from him after he came back, I found myself coming right back to where I was. In his life, and in his circle. Someone else might think that I’m stupid for believing I can trust him again, but if I don’t let myself fall, even just for a moment, I’m afraid I’ll be standing on the outside looking in at my life forever. I’m afraid I won’t be able to feel again.”

  “I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. And I want you to not hate me for asking,” Harmony said quickly.

  “Okay,” I said, a little worried.

  “Are you with him because of what happened with Allison?”

/>   I froze, wondering where that had come from. But since it was from Harmony, I knew there had to be a reason. Harmony had done her best not to make any major life decisions after losing her husband, and she more than anyone knew how the pain of losing someone you loved affected your decision-making skills. And she had done it twofold.

  “I’m not going to say it didn’t play a part in it. But I’m not with Cameron to feel. I know I didn’t say that right. I’m feeling with him, but he’s not the only reason I am. I have you guys, and I have a career that I love even though it stresses me the fuck out.”

  “Even with Lynn and douchebag?” Sienna asked.

  “Even with Lynn and douchebag. And, honestly, they literally mean nothing to me. They annoy me because I have to deal with Lynn on a daily basis at work, but I can avoid her, and I can still love my job. I can still be stressed out about funding and the fact that sometimes my research just doesn’t work out the way I want it to. All of that is just normal daily life. Lynn and douchebag mean nothing to me. But Cameron means something. He always has.”

  “And being with him makes you happy. I know it’s hard to quantify what happiness means, but he is.” Harmony looked down at her hands before shaking her head. “And I see the way he is around you. He’s always loved you, and he always looked at you like you helped raise the sun and let it set again in the evening. And I know he hurt you, and you can forgive him and not forget, and that is perfectly fine. You guys are both different people now, and I know you’re in a different relationship than you were before. Neither of you is going into this blind. And I’m so happy that you found that. Because you deserve it. You deserve so much happiness.” She paused. “And I know that Allison would feel the same. Because we all deserve happiness. Even if we don’t think we do.”

  I wiped away tears, leaning forward to grip her hand. Sienna scrambled from her chair to come and sit on the edge of Harmony’s seat to get closer. I moved slightly and opened up my left hand and gestured Meadow forward. Meadow looked a little hesitant at first, but then came and sat on the edge of my chair. Then it was the four of us, just sitting in silence.

  I didn’t want Meadow to feel left out, but I knew she might be uncomfortable. However, this was the future. This was where we were.

  And we had to figure out what to do with that.

  “I’m never going to understand what happened. With Allison, I mean,” I said quickly. “I’m never going to understand, but I don’t think we’re supposed to. But she’s gone, and it changed us. And I still think those changes are evolving. And I know that we’re going to find ourselves in situations where it hurts again, and we won’t know what to do. So, I want you to know that I’m here. I wish that Allison had known I was there for her, or maybe it didn’t matter because she couldn’t reach out anyway. I don’t know what went through her mind, but I want you to know that I love you guys.” I squeezed Meadow’s hand. “And I know you’re new to us, Meadow, but we’re here for you, too.”

  “Allison seemed like such a bright person. I’m sorry she’s gone. But I’m really glad that you three are here. You’re such a cohesive unit. And I’m glad that you have each other to lean on.” Meadow squeezed my hand back, and I held back a sigh of relief.

  The four of us sat there, talking about Allison, and then our conversation led into other things—our work, our lives. Even Cameron again.

  And when we cleaned up and made our way back to our homes, I felt a little heavier and yet lighter at the same time. It was good to talk about Allison, to have her in our lives even though she wasn’t really here. I didn’t want to forget her. I didn’t want to not feel that pain when I thought of her. Because feeling those emotions reminded me that she had been in pain. That she had needed someone. And that maybe she’d just needed an answer that we didn’t have.

  The tears fell again, and I brushed them away as I walked into my home. Crying was fine. It meant that I was feeling something. And I knew I couldn’t be numb anymore.

  It wasn’t fair to anyone for me to stay numb.

  When the doorbell rang, and I answered it, I knew it would be him. Not just because we had made plans for him to come over after my spa day, but because I knew I could rely on him. And maybe that was silly. Perhaps I was in for heartache. But I needed this. I needed to feel.

  And so, I kissed Cameron. I leaned into him as he held me.

  Because this was just one step, one breath. We were figuring out who we were with each moment and with each passing day. Yes, I missed my best friend. I missed her with everything that I had. And I hated that she wasn’t here.

  But I was here.

  And so was Cameron.

  And I couldn’t add the quantifier that he was here for now. Because that wasn’t fair to either of us. So, I was going to live in what we had and be part of this relationship.

  I knew I was in love with him. Again. I was in love with Cameron Connolly, and I prayed I wouldn’t break again.

  Because I was afraid of what would be left over if I did.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Cameron

  “This is totally going to work,” Dillon said, pacing in front of me.

  I smiled. “Really? I’m so glad that you have all this confidence.”

  Dillon rolled his eyes. “Of course, I have confidence. I think I’m the only one that has any confidence in this family.”

  We both froze at that, and my eyes widened. Family. I was pretty sure that was the first time Dillon had ever said the word when it had to do with any of us.

  “I mean…you know what I mean. I’ll just go work or something.”

  I stood up from behind the desk where I was going over some last-minute details and went to reach out for him. Thankfully, Dillon quit moving and just stood there, looking down at his shoes.

  “Family works. We were a family before, Dillon, the two of us.”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  I closed my eyes and let out a breath before squeezing Dillon’s shoulder. “No, we weren’t. We really, really weren’t. We weren’t really a family when Mom was there, but that wasn’t just you. She lost custody of Aiden and me, too. She just wasn’t really good at being a mom.”

  “I never really thought of her as one anyway.”

  Dillon’s words hurt, and I knew the kid was in pain. But they weren’t untrue, so I kept going. “Yeah, I never really did either. I don’t know why I even called her Mom, I guess mostly because it was just habit.”

  I usually called Jack and Rose by their names these days, even though I sometimes slipped up and called them Mom and Dad. Or maybe it was the other way around. It was always just a mix of the two for me. Dad and Jack. Mom and Rose. They were both. And they were so much more.

  “Didn’t you call Jack and Rose, Mom and Dad? They adopted you, right?”

  I nodded and pulled my hand back to stuff it into my pocket. “Yeah. I was better about calling them Mom and Dad when they were alive. I think when I left, I kind of just went back to calling them what I had when I first moved in. I don’t really get it. But you know, family’s complicated.”

  “No shit.”

  “I’d say watch your language, but I guess you’re an adult now.”

  That made Dillon smile. “Fuck, yeah.”

  “Hey. I’m still your elder.”

  “Yeah, really old. Like super-elder. Like Gandalf.”

  “Call me that again, and I’ll kick your ass.”

  “Well, that means you’d have to actually catch me. You’re old and feeble.”

  “That’s it, I’m going to kick your ass.” I reached for him, but Dillon slid out of the way and ducked before running right into Brendon.

  My suited-up brother raised his brows before shaking his head. And then he reached up to undo his tie. “Sorry I’m running late, work got in the way. But I’m here to play pool and kick ass and take names.”

  “Yeah, totally not happening. I’m going to win.”

  “I still don’t know why I can’t play,” Dillon
said, sounding a little bit like he was pouting but not as much as he used to.

  “First, Cameron, there’s no way you can beat me,” Brendon said, smiling.

  “Second, you need to work, Dillon. Plus, there’s no way that you have the skills the rest of the Connolly brothers have.”

  “The rest?” Dillon asked quietly and then seemed to shake it off. “Anyway, I should go back to work.”

  Brendon winced, and Dillon scurried off to go and get his stuff ready for busing. I met Brendon’s gaze.

  “Too much, too soon?” I asked, my voice deceptively casual.

  “Apparently. We’ll get it right someday. I kind of like the kid. But there’s no way he can beat us at pool.”

  “Damn straight.”

  “There’s also no way that you can beat me at pool.” Brendon took off his suit jacket and hung it up on the hanger that we kept on the back of the door.

  “I have Violet on my side, and she’s a pool shark. The two of us are going to kick ass.”

  “No, Harmony and I are going to win. We’re going to beat all of you.”

  “You know what’s going to end up happening, don’t you?” I asked, clearing my throat.

  “Aiden and Sienna are going to end up wiping the table with all of us. Yeah. That sounds likely.”

  “So, tonight though, we’re all set up?” I asked as Brendon rolled up his shirt sleeves.

  “I hope so. I just walked in, but the scents coming from Aiden’s kitchen smell amazing. My mouth is watering. I know it could be the fact that I haven’t really eaten since lunch and even then, that was a really shitty salad, but I digress. When are the girls getting here?”

  I looked down at my phone. “They should be here any minute. I’m really glad they agreed to do this with us.”

  “I don’t know if they’re going to do the whole pool league, though, they do have lives outside of this bar.”

  “Don’t I know it,” I said, only grumbling slightly. I hadn’t really seen Violet much this week between my hours at the bar—we were actually starting to hop a little bit better—and the fact that she was just working longer hours, finishing up her research grant material. That, and she had spent more time with the girls than she had before, and I didn’t fault her for that. I still didn’t know how I could help her heal when it came to Allison, but I figured she and Sienna and Harmony were working it out some way.