Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “So, four teams are coming?” Brendon asked, looking down at his phone for his notes.

  “Yeah, we’re going to do the three of us this time because you’re starting it off, and then another couple or duo from one of the other bars. We’ll have another night here where it won’t be all of us but more of the other bars, and then we’ll move on to other venues. I think in three weeks we come back here. We have it all written out, right?”

  “Yup, I’ve been working with the other bar owners, and they’re excited about this, too. Anything that brings more money to all of us.”

  “It’s sort of working with the enemy of my enemy thing,” I said, only slightly teasing.

  “These guys really aren’t enemies. As much as I’d like to think so. We don’t have a group clientele, at least they do. We’re the ones on the lower end of the totem pole here. But it should bring in more money for all of us in the end. At least, that’s what I hope.”

  “Okay, I guess it should get done. It is kind of weird that we’re selling our skills in order to get people to come in.” I rubbed the back of my head as I said that.

  “Yeah, but hopefully it will get more people in for the next set we host. We’re just going to be ourselves, sell this bar, sell our souls a bit most likely, and then get what we need to get done.”

  “So, I guess you’d better get down there and do it,” I said quickly.

  Soon, Violet and I were walking past the kitchen, bringing Aiden with us as my brother grinned, holding a plate of tapas.

  It was nice to see him smile.

  “Are these for us?” I asked, reaching for one of the small, bite-sized things that looked like it had cauliflower on it. Maybe?

  Aiden smacked my hand, and I winced.

  “Do not touch that. That is not for you, that is for the girls. Well, at least Sienna.”

  “Ooh, really?” I made sure to overexaggerate my words, and Aiden rolled his eyes.

  “Not like that. Sienna likes to munch on things while she plays, that way she can beat all of your asses. So, don’t touch. These are not for you,” he repeated.

  “But they’re for Sienna? Interesting.” Brendon leered as he said it, and I grinned.

  “You guys have way too much time on your hands if you’re thinking about Sienna and me. That is so not going to happen, ever.”

  Aiden froze for a moment as he said it, and I looked up, only to see Sienna in the hallway, both she and Violet looking at the two of us with their eyes narrowed. Sienna, however, widened her eyes for a fraction of a second before she shrugged and walked over to us.

  “Good to know, Connolly. I was worried you were going to fall in love with me and things would get awkward. But as long as you feed me, I will be fine.” She popped whatever that cauliflower thing was into her mouth, grinned, and then sauntered her way back to the pool area.

  “Food,” Harmony said, clapping her hands in front of herself. “That wasn’t awkward at all. Brendon? Let’s go claim a cue because I refuse to lose to these girls. You cannot make me out to be the loser here. Okay?”

  I was grateful that Harmony was the one to speak first because, yes, that had been awkward. Brendon held out his arm, and Harmony pushed him out of the way, laughing as the two of them walked side-by-side back to where the two pool tables were.

  I just looked over at Aiden and then Violet and then let out a breath. “Okay, then. Game on.”

  I took a few steps forward, kissed Violet on the mouth, and smiled again. “It’s good to see you. I missed your face.”

  “You say the sweetest things. I missed your face, too.” And then she patted my cheek and reached around to pat my ass. “I also missed other things.” We walked into the pool area, and the others looked over at us.

  “Unicorn!” Sienna called out, and I stared at Violet.

  “Unicorn?”

  Her cheeks were bright red as she shook her head. “Don’t ask. For the love of God, don’t ask.”

  “Well, now I’m kind of worried. Unicorn? Is that some kinky thing you want me to do?”

  All three girls started giggling, and I thought I’d lost my damn mind. I did not understand women, even if I loved them.

  The way the pool tournament worked was that each of the couples played each other, at least for the night, and then there would be points tallied for the winner. The tournament would last for eight weeks, and then at the end, there would be a big pool of money for the winners, and hopefully a lot of money for the bars that hosted the matches. Since we were starting it and it had been our idea, or at least Brendon’s, we had most of our people up and stacked at the front. Two of the bartenders from Sandy’s down the street had offered to take part, too.

  One was a man named Samson who glowered and didn’t talk to anyone, and the other was Charlotte, who apparently liked to talk to everyone. She draped herself over Brendon and then Harmony, and then she flung herself at Aiden before coming over to me. I really, really didn’t know what she was up to. Was she just this flirtatious because she wanted to be? That was fine, but I was very taken and wasn’t about to get involved in that. But I had a feeling she was using her flirtations as a distraction.

  Too bad we were better at ignoring her than she thought.

  I wrapped my arms around Violet’s waist and kissed her hard. “You ready for this?” I asked, my voice low.

  “Of course, I am. We’re going to kick their behinds.”

  “Behinds?”

  “Asses. Sorry. I’ll add more curses to my daily life.”

  I rolled my eyes, and then we went to it, first playing against Brendon and Harmony.

  Somehow, we ended up stripes, even though I had a feeling Violet had been going for solids when she broke. But it didn’t really matter. We were going to do this. We were going to win.

  We did not win.

  Brendon and Harmony kicked our asses, but it was fine, we could still end up third for the evening and rack up some points for ourselves. That meant we had to go against Samson and Charlotte, who had lost to Aiden and Sienna.

  “I’m going to head to the bathroom before we start again, okay?” Violet kissed me hard and then ran off towards the restroom. I watched her walk, my eyes on her ass before I pulled them away and tried to focus on the fact that tonight was fun. Beckham and the waitresses and one of our spare bartenders were working their asses off with the full crowd. People came to watch and then would move in and out of the area to go eat something, watch something on TV, or just have a few drinks. I’d never seen the pub this busy, and if we kept this up with new ideas and really good people, beer, and food, we would make it.

  I was just going to rack the balls when Charlotte came over to me, rubbing herself along my side. I narrowed my eyes and took a step back.

  “What’s up, Charlotte?”

  She smiled at me, a seductive grin that did nothing for me other than sound about a thousand warning bells.

  “Oh, just wondering what a big man like you is doing all alone with his balls.”

  Dear God. That had to be one of the worst lines I had ever heard, and I had said some pretty bad lines myself throughout my life. Recently, in fact.

  “I’m sure you and Samson are going to be hard to beat. But Violet and I…we’re a team.”

  Was that subtle enough? Maybe I should just rub myself all over Violet so Charlotte got the message. Charlotte moved even closer, and I took a step back. But she moved faster, rubbing herself all along my side again before going up on her tiptoes to bite my ear.

  Oh, hell no.

  “Oh, I’m going to have fun with you tonight,” she whispered, her warm breath sending revulsion through me rather than shudders.

  I pushed her away, but even as I did so, I looked up to see Violet standing there, her eyes wide. She didn’t look hurt so much as angry. No, there was hurt there mixed with the anger. She looked between Charlotte and me and then just shook her head before spinning on her heel and storming out of the place.

  Everything had mov
ed so fast, I wasn’t even sure that anyone else had seen it. No one else had been in the room other than Charlotte and me, but I hadn’t realized that until it was too late.

  It didn’t matter that I had pushed Charlotte away, it didn’t matter that I hadn’t done anything wrong. To someone who already had trust issues when it came to me and how I had treated her in the past, this looked bad, seriously fucking bad.

  “Why did Violet leave?” Brendon asked, worry on his face.

  I shook my head in answer. “I’m out, Violet and I call it. I have to go back to her.”

  Harmony stepped in front of me, though, her hand out.

  “Harmony, get out of my way,” I growled.

  “Don’t bark at her like that,” Brendon snapped.

  I glared over at him before trying to move past Harmony again.

  “I can handle it myself, Brendon. And you cannot handle Violet right now. She’s angry and hurt.”

  “What?” I hadn’t realized Harmony had seen what happened. Not that anything had happened, but still.

  “I just saw the tail-end of it, and while I’m sure you thought nothing was wrong, Violet is allowed to react how she wants to. She’s already a little tender. So, I’m going to go and help her figure this out. You join Brendon and figure out how to work things out between the two of you and finish the game. Do it for your bar. I will help Violet.” Harmony cleared her throat. “And don’t tell Sienna until she’s done. Let her win. She needs this happiness.” Then Harmony picked up her stuff and walked away, leaving me with Brendon.

  What the hell?

  What. The. Hell?

  Chapter Seventeen

  You’re my person

  - Allison in a text to Violet

  Violet

  I should have done something other than walking away. I should have screamed, I should have asked him something. I should have gone to that woman and tugged on her hair and beat the shit out of her.

  I should have done anything other than walking away.

  But that wasn’t me. I wasn’t good at confrontation. I walked away and thought through my options before I figured out what I needed to do next. I went through every scenario, and then I reacted. I hid inside myself, and I let the reactions come.

  That was how I operated. I wasn’t someone who could just go up to someone else and scream at them how I was feeling. The fact that I had ever done that with Cameron meant that he got under my skin in ways that no one else had or could.

  I rubbed my chest, at the same time trying to will away the migraine that I knew was coming on.

  It hurt so much.

  Should I have left them like that, knowing that it could have been more if I hadn’t been there? Or knowing that it could have been more even if I had been there the whole time.

  None of it made any sense to me, but it wasn’t like I knew what I was doing.

  I walked away because I was scared. Scared of what I had seen. Scared by the fact that I had trusted, and it had screwed me over.

  I should have stayed. I should have talked it out. I should have answered my damn phone when he called later.

  But now it was the next morning, and I had done nothing. I had done nothing because I needed to think.

  And that had been a mistake.

  Because now I was alone, breaking all over again, and wondering if I had trusted too quickly. It didn’t matter that Cameron probably hadn’t done anything wrong. That wasn’t the point.

  It was the fact that I had trusted too quickly.

  The fact that, for a brief moment, I had known that I had made a mistake in trusting.

  And because of that, I didn’t know if I could truly trust myself.

  It was like I was peering through the fog, trying to figure out exactly what hurt and why I couldn’t react the way I needed to. I knew there were things I needed to do. I knew that I needed to talk to Cameron. I needed to realize that everything had just been blown out of proportion and it was all just stupid. I knew all that.

  It didn’t make it easy to do. It was like I was two steps behind, watching my life fall apart before me and seeing the decisions that I needed to make yet wasn’t able to make.

  And this time, I knew it wasn’t just a headache, it wasn’t just a migraine.

  My heart hurt, and my palms turned sweaty, and I felt like something was constricting my chest. As if there was a two-ton elephant—or however much they weighed—on my chest right then, making it hard to breathe. Everything hurt, and I felt like if I didn’t make a decision, I was going to mess everything up. But if I made a decision, it might just get worse. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t take everything in. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything.

  Was this anxiety? Was this an actual panic attack?

  I tried to suck in a breath, only it didn’t work, so I sat down in the middle of the floor of my living room and forced myself to breathe, forced myself to focus.

  Sweat dripped down my temples, and I tried to just be. I needed to focus on my breathing, if I did, everything would be okay. It had to be.

  Nothing was out of my hands completely. Nothing was entirely scary. Everything was going to be all right.

  Cameron wasn’t cheating on me, that much I knew. But it was just seeing him there, having that split-second moment of insecurity that had sent me into a tailspin. Because I was so afraid that if I was wrong, I would break, and I couldn’t be like that anymore. I couldn’t be that person.

  And then I thought of Allison. And I thought of why. And I just…I couldn’t think anymore.

  Because I didn’t know why Allison had done it. I didn’t understand why she had left us all, and why we were all still here wondering why she wasn’t with us. It didn’t make any sense.

  I had gone through a divorce, faced the fact that my husband had cheated on me, and I hadn’t reacted like this. I knew I hadn’t loved Kent the way I should, and that was on me. I had still been broken over Cameron, and yet I had gotten with Kent because I thought it was the only thing that I could do to try and heal.

  And then he had proposed to me, and I said yes. It had been too fast and too wrong. I’d thought I’d gone down the right path, that I was doing what was expected of me even though my family didn’t know him and I wasn’t sure I loved him. And when he left me for Lynn, I had been angry, but I hadn’t been broken.

  Cameron had been the one to do that to me.

  And I had been the one to do that to myself because I had trusted him back then.

  So, trusting him now was hard, and yet seeing that woman all over him changed something inside of me. Something I didn’t want to think about.

  Because Cameron had never once cheated on me. That thought shouldn’t have ever come into my mind, and yet when he left me before, when he walked away without a second glance, I had thought that maybe there was someone else.

  And maybe there was. Perhaps there had been the idea of another woman. His mother.

  Not in a creepy, weird way, but in the fact that he had left me for a connection that he hadn’t been able to fix.

  And I had forgiven him for that. But I didn’t know how to put everything back together again.

  Why had Allison done this?

  I asked myself that question again, I knew it was all connected.

  Because how was I supposed to know when enough was enough and when the pain was too much? What had I missed with my best friend? If she was hurting, why didn’t we realize it, why couldn’t we find the answers? Were there any answers? Why was she gone, while I was still here? Why was the pain inside of me so bright, and why did it burn so much when I was still here, and she wasn’t?

  I stood up on shaky legs and went to the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

  All of my makeup had run down my face, my black raccoon eyes staring back at me. I looked like I was dying inside. I had bright red cheeks and even brighter eyes, and I didn’t recognize myself.

  Was it because I missed my best friend? Or was it because I didn’t k
now why she was gone? How could I be okay with being here, with being alive, when I didn’t know why she was gone?

  My head started to pound, and I knew I just needed to take my meds so I could function. It didn’t feel like a full-on migraine, but even a partial one could incapacitate me for a time.

  I opened my medicine cabinet door, pulled out my pills, and looked at the bottle. I looked at the number that was left. Shaking my head, I quickly took one and drank my glass of water before putting the bottle away.

  Every time I looked at my pills, at any medicine, I thought of Allison. And that worried me. Not because I feared for my life, but because I hadn’t seen the signs in her. And I didn’t like the idea that we’d never get any answers.

  I didn’t like the idea that the answers were never going to be there. That I would never know if I could have changed something. Done something.

  I was being selfish again, but right then, where everything felt as if it were falling apart again, maybe I needed to be a little selfish.

  “I need help,” I whispered.

  That was the gist of it all. I needed help. I needed help, and I wasn’t going to get it. Not standing here looking in the mirror, or even talking to my friends. I wasn’t going to get it by worrying if Cameron was going to come after me, or if he was going to call again. I needed to talk to someone who could actually help me with trying to figure out what I had overlooked, and what was wrong with me. Why I missed Allison so much.

  I just needed help.

  So, I took a deep breath and went to get my phone.

  I needed help.

  And so, I called my brother. Mace would help. He would know who to call.