Always With Me

by Barbara Freethy

  "Thanks."

  "Did you really have any doubts?"

  "Not exactly. But my younger brother and my mother did mention once that maybe it would be better for me to move on with my life, make my own family, and let the Carvers raise their grandchild."

  "Well, your family is probably worried about you. They don't want you to be hurt any more than you already have been." She paused. "I thought you said you don't have a relationship with them anymore."

  "They came to see me when I was in the hospital. I was going out of my mind at the time, wondering where Hailey was and wanting to see her."

  "I'm glad they were there for you."

  "They do try on occasion, but it's hard to breach the distance after so many years. That's partly why I'm so desperate to get Hailey back now. I know what time can do to a relationship."

  "I think the way the Carvers handled the situation was terrible. But I know they were grief-stricken, so I'm trying not to judge them too harshly."

  "I've also tried not to judge them. But as time has passed, it has become more and more difficult."

  "Have you spoken to Mitch about his mother's adventures last night?"

  "No. I told Helen it was between the three of us. Unless something changes, that's where it stays. If you're okay with it, of course."

  "I'm okay with it." She stifled a yawn.

  "I'm keeping you up," he said.

  "I was about to go to bed. I know it's early, but I've been fighting to keep my eyes open since about six o'clock this evening."

  "I'm beat, too. Neither one of us slept much last night. But I'm also hyped up."

  She smiled to herself. "I can hear the energy in your voice. Maybe you should take a run or practice yoga."

  "A run is a better idea than yoga. I'm the most inflexible person on the planet."

  "I highly doubt that."

  "It's true. Do you like yoga?"

  "I've taken some classes. I like the meditative quality of the moves, staying in the moment, feeling grounded and in balance."

  "That does sound very Zen."

  "I create better when I'm not stressed."

  "Have you done any creating yet? Or is that canvas still blank?"

  "I thought about it tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to start anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always been able to lose myself in art. But I haven't painted in months. And the digital art isn't the same, not that I've done much of that, either." She snuggled deeper into her bed. She should hang up and go to sleep but saying good-bye to Zach was getting to be more difficult with each day. "What else did you do today?"

  "Hunter and I had a meeting with a guy from the building department. He seemed to be acting normally, so apparently Ron hasn't tried to put any pressure there yet."

  "That's good. But I wouldn't get too comfortable. He might still try to screw you over once he knows you have leverage on Helen."

  "Believe me, I'm not overconfident when it comes to that situation. But enough about me. What about you? Did you talk to anyone about the photograph?"

  "I asked a few locals who came in. No one knew the girl in the photo or seemed to know a Jill or Tammy from that time period. I didn't have a chance to go by the library. I still need to do that. But I was pretty busy selling antiques and trying to answer everyone's questions. I really need to learn more about what we're selling."

  "Did anyone buy Helen's desk?"

  "I took the price tag off it and put it on hold just to make sure the other cashier wouldn't sell it when I wasn't there. I feel like I need to hang on to it."

  "Why?"

  "Just a gut feeling. Maybe Helen will want it back. It sounded like her husband brought it in without her blessing, and it was Rebecca's. I'll give it a week and if she doesn't ask to get it back, then I'll put it on sale again."

  "That's a good idea. I'm sorry your aunt broke her leg, but I'm very happy you came back to Whisper Lake when you did."

  She had to admit she was feeling pretty happy about it, too. She was also happy that he'd come back as well. "So, you're at the inn right now?"

  "Yes. I'm sitting in a very comfortable over-sized armchair, and I grabbed one of Lizzie's chocolate chip cookies on my way upstairs."

  "Lucky you."

  "What about you? Are you in bed?"

  "I am."

  "What are you wearing?"

  "Who says I'm wearing anything?" she asked with a teasing laugh.

  He groaned. "Oh, man, that brings an image to my mind."

  "You've never seen me naked."

  "I've seen you in a bikini."

  "Not the same thing."

  "I have a good imagination. But I don't believe you're naked. I think you've got on a long nightgown with long sleeves, and it's buttoned up to your neck. Or maybe you're in PJs, something colorful. It might even have unicorns on it."

  "Ha-ha," she said. "I haven't had PJs with unicorns on them since I was fifteen."

  "I remember."

  She smiled at the memory. "What do you sleep in?"

  "Not much, especially in the summer."

  "I don't believe you're not wearing any clothes, either."

  He laughed. "I just wanted to give you something to think about."

  "This is a pointless conversation, Zach."

  "Not everything has to have a point. I like talking to you, Gianna. It's strange to think that fourteen years went by without us talking."

  "We've lived a lot since that teenage summer."

  "But no one has ever been as easy to talk to as you," he said.

  "You don't have to say that."

  "I'm not making it up."

  "Rebecca wasn't easy?"

  "No. She was a very complicated person."

  "But you loved her."

  "For a while I thought I did. Like I said, I think I fell for Hailey before I fell for Rebecca. Or maybe Hailey just showed me the family I could have, and I liked the picture. But that wasn't fair to Rebecca."

  "Or to yourself," she said quietly. "But I'm not judging you, Zach. I've made too many of my own mistakes."

  "What do you think you're looking for that you haven't found in the men you were engaged to?"

  "The thing is—I don't even think it's about the men; it's me. I need to find myself before I can be with someone else."

  "Which is why you need to find that girl in the picture."

  "What if that doesn't help? What if it's just me that I can't find?" It felt a little scary to say it out loud, but she found Zach easy to talk to as well.

  "You'll find her. And I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your twenties are a time for introspection, figuring things out. That's what you've been doing."

  "I hurt people along the way. I'm sorry about that."

  "I know you are. I hurt people, too. The problem is that when two people don't feel the same way about each other, someone ends up in pain. That's why love is a risk."

  "Not one I'm going to take again."

  "You say that now, but—"

  "I mean it, Zach. I can't fall in love again. I can't mess up for a fourth time."

  "Who says the next one won't be the right one?"

  "Me. There is no right one. I will be single forever."

  "That's dramatic," he said lightly.

  "Fine. Then I'll be single for a while."

  "Better."

  "What about you? How do you feel about taking another risk on love after Rebecca?"

  "I haven't thought about it much. But I don't want to have regrets. Life is for living, mistakes and all. It's part of the journey."

  "Maybe you don't need yoga. You're already Zen."

  "I wouldn't go that far." He paused. "You need to paint again, Gianna. You should let your art remind you who you are."

  "The girl with the paint-stained fingers?"

  "The girl who could imagine a magnificent picture and bring it to life."

  Her heart skipped a beat at his words. "My pictures haven't been magnificent for a long time
. As I got older, I became more critical. All I could see were weaknesses and flaws. Nothing was ever the way I saw it in my head."

  "I doubt the art is any less magnificent; it's your perception that's changed."

  "It had to change. Making a living at art means making compromises. I don't create for myself. I do it for other people."

  "Then paint something for yourself. Close your eyes and let your imagination run free."

  "Right now?"

  "Yes. What do you see?"

  She turned off the light and closed her eyes. All she could see was Zach. But she couldn't tell him that. "I don't see anything. My mind is blank."

  "You're lying."

  "I am not," she protested.

  "You're thinking about me, about us, that summer at the lake, making out at the pond, running through the trees, snuggling under the blanket at the campfire."

  His words brought all those images into her head. "It was a magical time," she murmured. "We were so young, so carefree. Everything seemed possible."

  "Maybe it still is."

  Her gut tightened. "You need to stop, Zach. We can't go back in time. We can't be those kids again."

  "I don't want to be them; I want to be us."

  "I don't even know what that would look like."

  "Why don't we find out?"

  "I told you I'm off men."

  "Right. I forgot. I have to wait until your hiatus ends."

  "That will be a very long time. I'm going to say good night now."

  "I wish I could kiss you good night and then kiss you again in the morning."

  Her stomach did a crazy little flip-flop at his husky words.

  "It's not just the talking that comes easy to us," he added.

  "I'm ending this call, Zach."

  "When am I going to see you again?"

  "I don't know. Whenever we run into each other, I guess."

  "Let's make that soon."

  She forced herself to disconnect. Then she set the phone down on the nightstand.

  As she closed her eyes again, Zach's image came back into her head, but she wasn't seeing the boy from her youth; she was seeing the man he was now. She could taste his kiss on her lips. She could see the laughter in his eyes. She could feel the heat of his desire.

  But he was the wrong man at the wrong time.

  Or maybe he was the right man at the wrong time.

  Either way, it was the wrong time…

  Chapter Sixteen

  Zach was on his third cup of coffee when he drove up to the camp around eleven on Tuesday. He hadn't fallen asleep until two or three in the morning, unable to get his brain or his body to quiet down. Talking to Gianna had been great, but then he couldn't stop thinking about her, imagining her in his head, reliving all of their times together from when they were kids to now.

  He felt like he'd been in hibernation since Rebecca died, and even before that he'd been numb, living in a world where he was trying to help a woman he cared about but didn't really love anymore and wanting to make things right for Hailey by getting her mother back on track.

  It had all been so complicated, so wrong…

  But he'd been deep in it and he hadn't been able to see that forcing a relationship to work was a futile exercise and one destined to end in pain. He couldn't have foreseen the fire or Rebecca's death, but he could have predicted some sort of tragic outcome. In fact, he'd told Rebecca that on more than one occasion. She'd agreed with him. When she'd been sober, she'd always been apologetic, and she'd told him many times that she wanted a better life. She wanted to be a good mother. But then she used, and everything changed. She couldn't see outside of herself, her problems, her worries, her everything…

  The sadness of her life hit him hard, and he swigged down another gulp of coffee. It wasn't his fault, but sometimes he still felt the guilt.

  The idea of getting involved with another woman should be unthinkable. But it had become a lot more thinkable since he'd run into Gianna again.

  Talking to her last night had felt good. He'd felt like himself again. And suddenly there was a future with possibilities and hope…

  Not that Gianna was interested in that future.

  Actually, he thought she was interested; she was just scared of making another mistake.

  He was uncertain, too.

  And there was Hailey to consider. If he could get her back into his life, how would she fit with Gianna? He knew they would like each other but putting Gianna in the middle of his very antagonistic relationship with the Carvers might not be good for her, or for Hailey, or even for himself.

  He needed to put the brakes on, which was exactly what Gianna wanted him to do.

  Finishing off his coffee, he pulled up in front of the lodge. Hunter and his fiancée Cassidy Ellison were standing on the porch.

  He smiled at the happy grin on Hunter's face. Hunter was so taken with the beautiful blonde Cassidy that he could barely see straight.

  Hunter and Cassidy met him as he got out of the truck.

  "Zach," Cassidy said. "It's good to see you again."

  "You, too," he said, giving her a hug. "I'm glad you made it."

  "It took some doing, but I am finally here. Hunter has been telling me about your plans. They sound good. I can't wait to see the lodge transformed."

  "And I can't wait to see your landscape plans."

  She gave him a sheepish smile. "I have so many ideas; I keep changing my mind."

  "I can relate to that."

  "I told Cassidy about the train," Hunter said. "She's a fan."

  "I love trains," she said. "I'm trying to think of ways I can incorporate the landscaping in that area around the train, maybe a small depot or some water features."

  "Just remember, you two, we have a budget," Hunter put in. "And I have other investors whose money needs to be carefully spent. Since they're all family, I have to take care of them."

  "Especially your grandfather," Cassidy put in. "That old man is scary."

  Hunter laughed. "He's just gruff. He's a marshmallow on the inside. My grandmother twirls him around her little finger."

  "How is your grandmother?" he asked. Eleanor Callaway was suffering from Alzheimer's, which was very hard on the family.

  "She's the same, maybe a little worse," Hunter admitted. "But we cherish the good days."

  "I actually saw her right before I flew to Denver," Cassidy said. "She was visiting with Hunter's mom, Sharon, his sister, Kate, and his cousin Emma. Those women talk a lot. I got quite a bit of family gossip," she added, smiling at Hunter. "Did you know that Dylan and Tori are expecting a baby?"

  "No way. Dylan hasn't said a word."

  "They were waiting for the three-month mark, which was yesterday. I told them I'd let you in on the big news."

  "That's great," Hunter said. "I'll be an uncle again."

  "Congratulations," he said. "The Callaway family keeps getting bigger."

  "It's always fun to welcome a new member." Hunter paused as a car came down the drive, blowing up a wave of dust. "Who's this?"

  "That's Mitch Carver," he said, his pulse speeding up. "I'm sure he's here to talk to me. I saw Hailey for the first time yesterday."

  Surprise flared in Hunter's eyes. "I didn't think that was going to happen."

  "I'll fill you in later. Can I meet you inside?"

  "Take your time," Hunter said, as he and Cassidy headed toward the lodge.

  Mitch got out of his car. "What the hell happened?" he asked, as he took off his sunglasses and gave him a perplexed look. "You were at the park with Hailey yesterday?"

  "Your mother told you?"

  "Hailey told me first and then my mother confirmed it. Apparently, my dad is still unaware, but that won't last long. Hailey can't stop talking about you. I heard all about how you're moving to Whisper Lake and getting a house and how she's going to live with you again."

  "That's not exactly how it went down."

  "Well, that's what Hailey took away from your conversation
. My mom looked physically ill during the discussion. When I asked her about it, she just said something about how she couldn't stop you from seeing Hailey. What's going on?"

  "Your mother agreed to let me meet Hailey at the park."

  "How? When? Why?" Mitch planted his hands on his waist, confusion in his eyes. "When I saw you on Sunday, everything was the same. What changed yesterday?"

  "Your mother had a change of heart. We're still taking things slow. She wants time to get Ron on board."

  "What aren't you telling me?"

  "Look, she decided it was in Hailey's best interests to see me. I would think you'd be happy about it."

  "I'm trying to be happy, but I feel like I'm missing something."

  "If you want to know why your mother changed her opinion, you should talk to her."

  "Like I said, I did, but she wasn't talking back."

  "Did she mention anything about looking for Rebecca's old diary?"

  Mitch's gaze narrowed. "No, but that would explain her ransacking of Rebecca's room. Why does she care about an old diary?"

  "I think she's afraid Rebecca wrote something down that doesn't reflect well on her or your father."

  "Is that what she said?"

  "It's what I inferred. What do you think?"

  Mitch stared back at him, an uneasy look in his eyes. "I don't know."

  "Seems like there's something on your mind, Mitch."

  "Rebecca and my mom were tight as could be when we were really young. But when Becca got into her teens, they argued over everything. They seemed to hate each other at times. I thought it was just teenage rebellion, but maybe there was more to it than that. When Becca left home after high school, she pulled me aside and said in a very serious voice that I should call her if I ever felt scared. It didn't matter what time it was, or who I was afraid of, I could always call her, and she would come. I didn't know what she meant. I wasn't feeling scared about anything."

  His gut tightened at Mitch's words. "It sounds like she was trying to warn you about something or someone."

  "Or she was just being a protective big sister."

  "I know she cared about you a lot, Mitch."

  "I cared about her, too, but Rebecca was a mystery in so many ways. I don't know that I ever knew her, or that anyone did. Sorry if that sounds harsh, since you lived with her…"