Beauty from Ashes: Authors & Dancers Against Cancer Anthology

by Vera Quinn

  As I sit here with a cup of nasty coffee, waiting, I wonder if there was something that I could do to get Claire back. No, I can’t, that isn’t fair to her or the kids. I’ve put them all through enough. Hearing someone clear their throat, I turn, and there stands the neighbor, Olivia. Raising my eyebrow, I silently ask what I can do for her. “You called Trevor to come talk to you. His wife went into labor, so here I am.”

  “I’m sorry, but I need a drug abuse counselor.”

  “Well, lucky for you, that’s what I am. No, I’ve never used it, but my parents did. I remember when I was seven, I heard something and went downstairs to find my mom and another man in bed, and they had both vomited all over. I got them both up and helped her in the bath while he sat at the kitchen table. I changed her bedding once she was clean, and he got in the shower. After, they both went back to bed. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to wake up and find another man or woman at my house. I was doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of them. So, no, I don’t know what it’s like to use; I know what it’s like to watch someone go into withdrawals and pray that they get a fix. I know what it’s like to carry a child and watch helplessly as she lay in the hospital after birth being checked for any side effects because she is the product of my parent selling me to get her fix. I know what your mom has gone through watching you because I did the same. The only difference is she was a parent that cared. I was a parent at seven to my ‘parents.’ I hope those references are enough for you. If not, I can walk right back out the door.” She stands there looking at me, and I’m completely speechless. I mean, I was a shitty person, but I’d never sell Carly or Caitlynn. That thought makes me stop; because no, I wouldn’t sell Carly, but Clarissa and I were driving around at two in the morning with Caitlynn, and I can’t swear we wouldn’t have traded her if needed. Olivia nods her head and says, “I’ll call and have someone come talk with you. Good luck.” With that, she turns to leave. Reaching out, I touch her arm and say, “Please sit. I’ll get you some coffee or water?”

  “No thanks, I brought my water from home. It’s kinda a habit from childhood.” She shrugs her shoulders.

  “I was thinking in the waiting room that life is too short, and I was wasting it away and praying for the end. I have three kids. A set of twins, Carly and Carson, from my marriage and then I cheated because I thought I was king and could have everything and everyone I wanted. Anyway, I cheated with my then wife’s twin sister, Clarissa. I didn’t use my head, and when she said she was on the shot and clean, I just went for it, ya know? Well, she lied. I know, shocker. She was so sick for three weeks, so we went to the next town over to the ER because my wife was an ER nurse, so we couldn’t go local. We got the shock of our lives when our nurse was none other than my wife. I hated myself for the hurt I had seen in her eyes. I expected the anger and rage, but that wasn’t Claire. Nope, she was calm and treated us with respect and was so kind, like we were strangers. I had forgotten that it was our fifteenth anniversary, and there I was finding out my wife’s twin is pregnant with my child. Our twins were on their last years of high school, and here I was starting all over again.” Chuckling softly, I look up at her, and she is watching me with such kindness and compassion in her eyes. “I waited for her after her shift ended. I wanted to talk… hell, I don’t even know. I mean, if I found her with another man, I’d be done, but she kept me even after finding out about my cheating. Do you want to know what she said to me? I had said along the lines of ‘You know it’s not my fault.’ She had turned and looked me square in the eye and said, ‘Oh yes, that’s right ‘cause your dick just accidentally got hard and landed in her vagina. You’re right, totally not your fault at all.’ She blew my mind with that. I mean, she had always turned the other cheek. I used to blame her for the drugs.”

  “Why was it her fault? Did she use?”

  “Claire? Hell no, she never even tried marijuana. She is the biggest anti-drug person you will ever meet. I blamed her because she did what was best for everyone, including me. She waited until the kids graduated, then she packed up her and the kids and moved to Colorado. She’s married to a doctor, now. She had ovarian cancer awhile back, and I went to see her and to see if we could try again.” With a sad smile, I tell Olivia, “She told me she was happy, and she forgave me. It was time to let her go. That was right after Clarissa died of an overdose. I went one other time, and that was to see Carly and ask for money for drugs. That was a horrible experience. She told me not to call, text, Facebook, or anything unless I was clean and wanted a real relationship with her. I haven’t spoken to her since. She got married, and I got the invitation. I spent the day so drunk and stoned; I didn’t know where I was or who I was. She had a set of twins. She’s a cardiologist, and Carson has his own construction company. I’m so incredibly proud of them. But to them, I’m a stranger.”

  “Shouldn’t you call or text us and ask us what you are to us?”

  Turning quickly, I see Carson standing there. Wow, he looks so good and healthy.

  “What are… I mean, are you okay? Carly, the babies?”

  “Firstly, are you okay? I’m okay. Grandma called and needed me to come up to sign some papers, and she had a doctor’s appointment today, so I thought I’d surprise her. Carly and the babies are good. She’s back to work.” He chuckles and says, “She works the office, the hospital, and still takes care of the kids and has dinner on the table every night at six o’clock. She amazes me. So, how are you, Dad?”

  Getting up, I walk over to him and open my arms to hug him, then drop them and put one out to shake his hand before just dropping them to my side. Carson wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. Stepping back, I say, “Carson, I’d like you to meet my sponsor for my drug abuse and Grandma’s neighbor, Olivia. Olivia this… this is my son, Carson.”

  As they shake hands, I can’t believe he’s here. Mom did say she was appointing him as her power of attorney. That is a hard pill to swallow. Coming back to the present, I see Eli coming our way. Walking to meet him, I ask, “Is she okay?”

  “Yes, the procedure took a bit longer, but she is out, stable, and in recovery. In about an hour, you will be free to go. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  “Who was that? What procedure did Gram have done? What the fuck is going on?”

  “Come, sit down. Would you like some coffee, water, anything?”

  He just stares at me. “No, Dad, I don’t want anything to drink. I’d like to know why Gram called me and needed me to see her this weekend. I want to know what kind of procedure she had. I mostly want to know what is going on with her and with you.”

  “Maybe I should go, this is a family scene. I’ll be around later if you want to talk.”

  “No. Please stay. Carson, is it okay with you if Olivia stays?”

  “Dad, I don’t care. I just want some answers.”

  “Okay, I’ll stay.”

  “Okay, I’ve been clean for five days now—no alcohol, no drugs, nothing. I was sitting at the apartment Monday, getting ready to snort a line of coke when your Gram called me. I don’t know why I answered, normally I would just shut my phone off. She called and said she needed me to come to her house. She has stage two lung cancer. They are optimistic they can shrink it; she is having a biopsy. There is no reason to think she will die from this. They say she has at least twenty-five to thirty years left. She gave me hell and told me I needed to suck it up and clean it up because she needed me to help her now. So, we went and cleaned out my apartment, turned in the keys, and now I’m staying in her extra bedroom. I go to NA meetings, and I’m working on getting a job. Anything I missed that you need an answer for?”

  “No, not right off the top of my head. That’s a lot. I’m going to need a minute. Can I go to Grams and get my head straight?”

  “Yeah, you know where the extra key is.” With a nod, he gets up and starts to walk away before stopping. “I’m proud of you, Dad, and I know Carly will be too.”

  Blowing out a breath as I
sit down, I place my elbows on my knees and put my hands together. “Well, I guess it went better than I thought it would go.”

  “How did you think it would go? Did you think they would see you and forgive everything? It’s okay, I know you did, and it’s normal. You have to forgive yourself before they can forgive you.”

  “How? Huh? How do I forgive myself for hurting my kids, or driving around with my three-month-old baby at two o’clock in the morning looking for a dealer? How do I forgive that?”

  “I can’t answer that for you. It’s not something that will happen overnight, and you will have to work on it for the rest of your life. It’s not going to be easy. You’re going to be a work in progress.”

  “I gotta go see Mom. Thanks for coming. Will I see you at the meeting tonight?”

  “I’m not sure yet. If not, I’ll be next door.”

  Chapter Six

  Emily

  Coming out of my room, I see Carson sitting on my couch, looking so sad. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

  “Hey, Grams, how are you doing?”

  “I’m doing okay. Monday is the day I find out what exactly treatment plan will work best for me. I’m nervous. Carson, I know you heard me ask what is wrong.”

  “Grams, it’s me, be honest and tell me how you feel. And I’m okay, just worried about you.”

  He gives me his stop-bullshitting-me look. “Carson, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m terrified not only for me but your dad too.”

  “Yeah, I saw him yesterday while you were in for your procedure, and I met your neighbor Olivia. Apparently, she is also his sponsor for NA, which is cool. I’m happy he’s finally on the path to becoming clean. Between you and me, I still can’t trust him just yet.”

  “That is completely understandable. There is a lot of hurt and anger there, and that doesn’t just go away overnight. I’m anxious about how Carly will react to the news.”

  “She was fine. She said she was happy he was getting clean and wanted me to tell him she forgave him, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to talk to or visit him just yet. I told her that was fine, and I was proud of her. Grams, she amazes me daily; she runs the household, works the office, and hospital then has dinner on the table at six every night, and every Saturday, she has Caitlynn over. She never complains, never looks tired, never misses an appointment. Rather, the appointment is for her, Xavier, her kids, Caitlynn, or Mom. Xavier or Mom is always there. I can only hope someday to be half as strong as she is.” Our attention is drawn to the ringing phone. “Hey, how’s everything at home?... What do you mean she is gone?... Where did she go?... When will she be home?... What the fuck?... Yeah, hang on I’ll FaceTime you and you can see her and talk to her.”

  Turning his phone toward me, I see Carly’s smiling face. “Hey, Gram, how are you? I’m so sorry I can’t be there, but I have a long weekend in a month and a half. I’ll come to see you then.”

  I frown, asking, “Carly, isn’t that when you guys were planning on going to the cabin, just you and Xavier and the kids?”

  “Yeah, but we can do that whenever. Gram, you need me, so I’ll go see her instead.”

  “Hey, Gram is right here. Carly, I want you to go on vacation with your family. I’ll try to make it down in a couple of months. Oh, sweetheart, I have to go. My phone is ringing. I love you.”

  Grabbing my phone, I go into the kitchen so Carson can have his conversation. He seems upset.

  “Hello.”

  “Emily?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is Eli Osburn. I was just calling to see how you’re doing?”

  “I’m okay. There’s a little pain, but otherwise I’m okay. Do you always call your patients on the weekends just to check on them?”

  Chuckling, he says, “No, I have to be honest, I’ve never done this before. I’m wondering if you would be free for dinner tonight?”

  “Yes, I’m available. Where would you like to meet?”

  “Emily, I’m not asking you to dinner as your doctor, but as a man that is attracted to you. I’d like to pick you up and drive us together, then take you home and walk you to your door. If that’s okay?”

  “Yes, that’s okay. I’m sorry, I haven’t been asked out on a date in years. I’ll be ready at six.”

  “I haven’t asked anyone out in years. And, Emily, just come casual. See you soon.”

  Clutching the phone to my chest Carson startles me. “So, you have a hot date tonight?”

  I gasp. “Oh, Carson, you startled me. Yes, I’m going on a date. Holy shit, I’m going on a date. What do I do? How do I act? I don’t know how to date anymore. Hell, it’s been about forty years.”

  Clutching my shoulders, Carson says, “Grams, calm down. You be you. Don’t act, be honest, and only do what you feel comfortable doing. You’re going to be fine. If at any time you’re not feeling it or whatever, well, just call or text and I’ll get you. I promise.”

  Placing my hand on his cheek, I say, “Carson, you are such an incredible young man. You’re going to make an amazing husband one day. I love you.”

  “Well, I found the girl I want, but we fought. I left to calm down, got the call from you and panicked and came. Now she’s gone because she thinks I left her for good. She won’t take my calls, texts, emails or Facebook messages.”

  “Do you want or need to go home now? I mean, I can fax the papers over to you, and I’ll call and tell you what the doctor says after my appointment on Monday.”

  “No. I’m going to stick around here. I’ll head home Tuesday. I think we both need time away.” Bending down, he kisses my forehead and whispers, “I love you, Gram.” Turning, he walks out of the house.

  Standing there alone in my kitchen, I’m sad for Carson, but my joy for my upcoming date overshadows the sadness. Turning on Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum, I grab the broom and sweep and dance away.

  Chapter Seven

  Colton

  Leaving Mom’s, I need time to think. I’m appalled at what Olivia’s parents did to her. Am I any different? I mean, look at my past, my only saving grace was Clarissa’s mom bringing the papers for me to sign all my rights away. Walking around the lake, I sit down at an empty picnic table and just watch the water; for whatever reason, it calms my heart rate, and my thoughts. It’s as if the waves crashing take my anxiety out to the lake with them. Getting up, I head to my meeting.

  Walking into the meeting, I’m greeted with a few of the people from before. I feel an arm come around my shoulders and look to the left to see who it is. “Trevor, what are you doing here? Is your wife okay?”

  He stands there, smiling with a satisfied look on his face. “I’m here because this is my meeting, and she is amazing. She’s at home with Walker, and they are both perfect. I’m sorry, I couldn’t meet you. Did it go okay with Olivia?”

  “Yeah. She didn’t take any of my cop-outs. I acted like an ass until she told me her story. My God, how can any parent sell their child for a fix that will last only an hour or so?”

  “Yeah, it’s not the people, it’s the drugs, and until they are willing and wanting to quit, it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does. They are going to keep using until they are ready to stop. Come on, let’s get this meeting started.”

  Walking to the front of the room, I sit down as Trevor starts the meeting. I’m completely blown away when Olivia comes in and begins with her story. I want to take her and protect her forever. Whoa, slow the fuck down. You don’t ever really know her, so calm the fuck down. I sit and listen to the story she told me earlier, and I know in the deepest part of my heart that I wouldn’t ever sell my kids for a fix. Feeling like my anger is going to suffocate me, I get up. Seeing Trevor get up, I turn and shake my head no, making my way outside. I take a deep breath. I finally understand what Carly was saying to me. Carson put me in rehab once, and I stayed for forty-eight hours before checking myself out. When he got the call, he called me and told me he and Carly were dead to him. I was angry. I felt like Claire was poisoning
them against me. After hearing Olivia, I know I was poison to them and myself. Pulling out my phone, I text Carson and ask him to meet me at the local pizza place so we can talk.

  Sliding in the booth, I order a Coke, a large pepperoni pizza, and breadsticks. Waiting for a response, I get on Facebook and scroll through Carly’s page. Seeing her happiness in every single picture is astonishing. It hurts seeing Maddox dancing with her and in the wedding pictures. “She wanted you there, you know.” Looking up, I see Carson standing there. Slightly raising my eyebrow in question, he continues, “Carly wanted you there. She called you and Gram. It was like you fell off the face of the earth. She cried, God, how she cried. She called the wedding off so many times I thought for sure Xavier was going to lose his shit.”

  Chuckling, he says, “He never did. Actually, you probably don’t remember this, but he and I made a trip here to see you and ask you to come and be a part of the wedding. We found you, and you told us to leave you alone to die. I came back when Gram called. You wanted to go through her attic and garage. You just knew you had stuff in there to sell or pawn for cash. I came up here so pissed off at you. You had also just seen Carly. She came up, hoping you were ready to be her father again, but you only wanted money from her. I think your exact words to her were, If you don’t have drugs, alcohol or money for me, turn around and walk out of that door, so she did. I searched for the best facility around and put you in there. It was your last chance, and you left before I was even back home. So, can you tell me now why I should give you another chance?” Just then, the waitress comes over with the breadsticks and looks at Carson. He asks for a Coke.