Beauty from Ashes: Authors & Dancers Against Cancer Anthology

by Vera Quinn

  I sit there thinking of why I should get another chance, and if I’d give me one if the shoes were on my feet. Once his drink is in front of him. I start, “First off, I’d like to say I’m sorry and I know that doesn’t cover anything, but I truly am. I want to be honest with you and myself. If I were you, I don’t know if I’d give me another chance and I will accept that. You heard Olivia’s story. I wish I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I’d never be that person who sold their child, but I can’t because the drugs changed me into someone I don’t even know nor do I want to. I can’t imagine the horror Carly felt. If I could go back and change any part of my life, it would be the drugs. I can sit here and blow smoke up your ass all day, but what is that going to do? I can’t wish I didn’t cheat on your mom.” Carson goes to open his mouth, and I raise my hand, silently asking him to wait. “I can’t take that back for two reason’s—Firstly, Caitlynn. She is the best thing that came from cheating, and I thank God every day that your mom is raising her. I know she will never not know love. The second is Maddox. I don’t know him and probably never will, but your mom is so happy with him in Colorado, and I know she would never have been that happy with me.”

  “Firstly, I agree with you on both of those things. Doesn’t mean it was right, nor does it relieve you of guilt. I can’t forgive you for Mom, Carly, or Caitlynn, who doesn’t know who you are. We told her you were sick and couldn’t take care of her. Mom said she deserves to know her biological parents. She also knows Clarissa as her angel mommy. I will tell you this, even if you come back into her life, Maddox will always be her daddy, and she will always be daddy’s little girl. When the two of them are together, the world could blow up, and neither of them would know.” Chuckling, he says, “The girl I’m in love with has a little boy and damn if it doesn’t make my heart sing when I get a phone call from him asking me when I’ll be over or when he needs help with his homework. I know I’ll never be his dad, but that doesn’t make me love him or his mom any less. I forgive you, and I know Carly will too, just give her a minute to swallow everything.” Knocking on the table once, Carson gets up and walks out the door as Olivia walks in.

  Seeing me, she shyly waves and starts to move toward the counter. Walking over to her, I say, “Hey, I have ordered a large pizza, thinking Carson and I could eat together, but he’s been here and left. Would you like to join me?”

  “I should just order and get mine to go, but thank you for offering.”

  “Olivia...” Grabbing her hand, I pull her back to my table with me and sit her down. I sit on the opposite side. “Firstly, don’t think I invited you out of pity. I asked you because I would like to talk with you. I walked around a bit today and just thought about… everything really, and I’m proud of you. I truly really wish I could be half as strong as you are. Carson forgave me. When he came in, he had seen me looking at Carly’s Facebook page, and he gave me some hard truths. They were hard to swallow and hard to accept, but they are truths, nonetheless. I didn’t make any excuses. I just listened to what he had to say. I had some things to say, as well. I think we’ll be okay.” Looking up at her, she is beaming with happiness. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

  “Sure, just know I have the right not to answer.”

  “Have you forgiven your parents?”

  “Yes, but by the time I did, it was too late. When the dealer found out I was pregnant with his child, he went crazy and shot my parents. The police shot him down the street. So, it really is just Allie and me,” she says, shrugging her shoulders.

  “No, it’s not just you and Allie, you have my mom, and now you have me.” Hearing her belly grumble, I laugh. “Grab a slice. I can see you withering away before my eyes.” The rest of the dinner goes by with us telling funny stories and just enjoying being with another adult without judgment. Tonight was the best night of my life in a long time.

  Chapter Eight

  Emily

  Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I see a strong woman who has conquered everything life has thrown at me thus far. I don’t know if I can conquer dating again at my age. With that thought, I also don’t want not to try and miss out. I have on a lovely long sundress. It’s white with little blue flowers on it, and I’ve paired it with a pair of white sandals. My hair is down and wavy. The only jewelry I have on is a long necklace with a heart in the center. I hear the knock on the door, and I take a steadying breath and make my way toward it.

  Eli walks next to me, holding my arm as we go to his Honda Rav4. Driving to the restaurant, we talk about what music we like.

  Eli is such a gentleman opening my doors for me, having me order first. The conversation is flowing smoothly, not touching anything too personal. Once dinner is over, and there seems to be a lull in the conversation, I take a deep breath. “Colton is a recovering addict. My cancer was what made him decide to stop using it. I don’t know if he’ll stay clean, but I pray he does. He has kids that live in Colorado with their mom, and then there is Caitlynn. She’s his but not Claire’s. Colton cheated on Claire with her twin Clarissa, and Caitlynn is the result. They were driving around at two o’clock in the morning, searching for their fix. Claire’s mom took papers to Colton and Clarissa, giving her all rights, or the state was going to take her. They both signed them. She went down to visit and on the way wasn’t feeling well so Claire met her halfway and they made it the rest of the way. Caitlynn stayed with Claire because, well, her mom was too old to be raising a child. Anyway, she was going to move down there to be with Claire and the kids, but she had a massive heart attack. Shortly after that, Clarissa got ahold of some laced coke and overdosed. Now you know my story, and if you don’t want to see me again, I understand.”

  “Emily, do you not want to see me again?”

  “What? No, I’d love to see you again, but I’m giving you an out. I know my life is a lot for someone to handle; some days, I struggle with it all.”

  As he stares into my eyes, I start to feel uncomfortable and squirm. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I’m just thinking of how remarkable you are and how soon is too soon for our next date.” With a grin, he continues, “Well, now you’ve shared your story, I guess it’s my turn. I was married once, and she thought being a doctor’s wife was going to lead to a glamourous lifestyle, but for her, it wasn’t enough. Once the divorce was final, I found out she had a procedure so she couldn’t get pregnant. I always wanted children. I was pissed off that she did what she did, but happy it was finally over. About a year later, I found out she married a plastic surgeon. Now, meeting you, I know it was all worth it in the end.”

  After leaving the restaurant, we walk down to the park and around the pond. There is a gazebo next to the pond with twinkling white lights wrapped around it. Eli takes his phone out, and I feel like our night is going to end. He turns music on his phone and asks if I’d like to dance. And dance we do until I start yawning. Taking me home, he gets out and opens my car door and walks me to my front door. As I turn in his arms, he says, “I’ve had a wonderful night. Thank you.”

  “I’ve had a wonderful night too, and I’m not quite ready for it to end. Would you like to come in?” Turning, I open the door and walk in, sensing he has followed me. I drop my purse on the stand and turn and face him. “Please don’t think I do this often. I have just learned that life really is short, and you should do what you want and what feels right before it’s too late. Tonight, being with you, even if it’s just cuddling, is what feels right and what I want toni—”

  Before the whole word ‘tonight’ is out of my mouth, his hands are holding my face like I’m the most precious thing he’s ever seen or held before looking deep in my eyes. “Make no mistake, Emily, I’ve wanted you since the moment I had seen you in my office, and if you want me tonight, I can promise you we will be doing a lot of things before cuddling. Now the question is, are we staying here or going to my place. My place is just me so you can be as loud as you want.” Leaning up on my tiptoes, I
place my lips on his and whisper, “Let me get a bag.”

  Oh my God, am I really doing this? I’ve never done this before. Before I can talk myself out of it, I have a bag packed and am walking out to him. “I feel like I need to tell you I have been on dates, but I haven’t been with anyone since before my divorce. It’s been something like thirty-some years.”

  “Emily, I’m not trying to be rude, but really, that long? Here is some honesty for you, I haven’t been with anyone since just after I found out she had remarried. I’ve had offers, but they always leave me feeling cold and empty.”

  “Thank you for that, and yes, that long. I’ve pleasured myself but no actual partner. Now can we go?”

  “Your wish is my command.” Interlocking our fingers, we walk out of the house and back down to his car. After he gets in, he turns and looks at me. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If you want just to cuddle, we just cuddle, but we will still date each other and no one else.” I nod and then reach over and once again interlock our fingers, smiling as we drive to his house.

  The next morning, I’m in his kitchen, making breakfast when he comes in. When he sees me, I see the relief on his face. “I was worried I scared you off, and you were walking home.” Laughing at him, I say, “At any point last night, did I seem scared or not interested or like I didn’t want to participate? I’m not going anywhere, just making breakfast. I hope ham and cheese omelets and toast are okay?”

  “It’s better than anything I’d have made myself, which would have been coffee. What’s the plan for today? Do you need to be home at any certain time?”

  “Eli, I’m a grown woman and have a cell phone. Colton knows where I am and that I’m fine. I was hoping we could just stay here today and maybe have a repeat performance from last night. Tomorrow I’ll get up when you do and go home before my appointment.”

  “Repeat performance, you want? I’ll give you all that and then some.” Kissing me deeply, he rocks me back and forth. This man sure knows how to make me swoon. I agree with what he said last night, that being in his arms, dancing in his kitchen has made everything in life so worth it.

  The next morning when Eli drops me off, it’s with a deep kiss and a promise to see me later.

  Going inside and taking a shower, I get dressed and head to the doctor's office.

  “Hello, Emily, this is my colleague Dr. James who is going to take over your case.”

  “Hello, Emily, it’s a pleasure to meet you. We have all talked and think the best course of action is six weeks of radiation every day and chemo once a week. After the six weeks, we will do another pet scan to see if the nodules have shrunk any and go from there. Do you have any questions?”

  “No. I don’t think so. Wow, this is kind of a lot.” Getting up, I walk out of the room and down the hall. There is a picture of a dandelion blowing in the breeze, and it read Some see weeds… others see wishes, and the very next one also has a dandelion blowing and reads When we think it’s too late, God whispers, “I still have a plan.” I don’t know why these two speak to me, but they help me come to terms that I still can fight this. I smell him before I see him, and he comes up beside me, interlocking our fingers and tugging me to follow him. Walking into an empty room, he turns his phone on once again, and as soon as I hear the first instruments, I know it’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Martina McBride, and we dance just like we danced to it the other night. I lay my head on his chest, and he presses his lips to my head and whispers, “I feel like this is our song. I know in my heart of hearts that God didn’t bring us together just to take you from me. Does this suck? Absolutely, but you are a fighter and will beat this.” Leaning back with tears rolling down my face, I agree silently and just sway with him.

  Chapter Nine

  Colton

  Walking with Olivia, I briefly wonder if I’d ever have a chance with her. I doubt it. I’ve fucked up too much in this life. “Colton, like I get it, no one is perfect. I’m not here to judge you. To me, you are just another face in the crowd, so if you want to ask me out, then do it. But don’t cop out with the ‘I’ve fucked up too much’ excuse. You are learning from your past and going to make an amazing husband to someone.” Looking down at her, I wonder if I said that out loud or if she can read my mind. She just looks at me through her lashes and starts laughing. Tugging my hand, she pulls me into the diner. Sitting down, when the waitress comes over, she orders us one root beer float. Once that has arrived, and we have both taken a drink, she looks at me and says, “So, what are you doing Friday night? I’d like to see the new comedy that’s playing. I already have someone to watch Allie overnight, but no pressure.”

  I throw my head back and laugh a big belly laugh. Looking back at her, I lean in close and whisper, “You got yourself a date.” We sit at the diner and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Making our way back to her house, she is quiet. “Are you having second thoughts?”

  “No. I’m excited to go out with you.” We walk to her backyard, and she takes me over to her patio set. She sits down in one of the chairs and looks up at the sky. She asks, “Have you ever wished for something so bad, and it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to, so you just got angry at the universe? I used to wish and pray for someone to find me, not judge me, love me, and, more importantly, love my daughter as if she were theirs. Finally, ten years later, I find you. So tonight, I’m just going to sit here and look at the stars with you and thank the universe for you.”

  Leaning over, I put my hand under her chin and turn her head back to me and place my lips over hers. I feel the lighting once again. She puts her hands in my hair and deepens the kiss. Pulling back, she stands up and grabs my hand. Once again, I follow her. We enter her house and go up to her bedroom. She drops my hand and starts to take my shirt off. Grabbing both wrists, I look her in the eyes and say, “We don’t have to do this. We can lie down and cuddle, or I can walk back downstairs and go home.”

  “Colton, did you ask for sex? Did you try and push yourself on me? No. I want you. I want this. If you don’t, then now is the time to go.” She takes a step back, and I can see how much that pains her.

  My cock is so hard. I feel like it’s going to bust through the zipper. Taking that step toward her, I take her mouth in a deep kiss and rub my hardness against her. “Do you feel that? That hasn’t happened in so long I thought it was broken. Turns out, it just needs the right woman. Now that I’ve found you, I won’t let you go.” Kissing her again, I walk her backward ‘til she hits the bed and falls. Falling with her, I prop myself up on my elbows. “I mean it, Olivia, I want you, me, and Allie forever. I know it’s kind of soon but, I feel lightning when I’m around you.” Leaning down, I rub my hardness against her once again and take her lips with mine.

  With tears in her eyes, she says, “I want that too. Now I’d like for you to take that out of your pants and put it in me please.”

  Laughing, I agree, then lean down and bite her bottom lip and get on with taking it out and her clothes off and putting it in.

  The next week we walk together to the bus stop to get Allie.

  “Can we go to the park and play? I don’t have any homework.”

  “Sure, sweetheart. How was school? What did you learn today?”

  “It was school, and I learned that when you have good behavior and help others, you get rewarded. I’ve been helping this kid, David, read and today Mrs. Adams bought me a new book from the book fair. Colton, when are you going to move in? Can you be my dad?”

  Stopping dead in my tracks, I lean down to her level and say to her, “We were going to talk to you about this tonight at dinner. How do you feel about my moving in?”

  “I’m okay. I mean, you stay a lot, anyway.”

  Oh, my Lord, this girl. “Okay, and I can’t be your dad, but when I marry your mom, I’ll be your stepdad, and I’ll love you just as much as if I were your dad.” With a blinding smile, she wraps her arms around my neck. Wrapping mine around her, I stand
up, and Olivia wraps her arms around us. I am so thankful for cancer, making me wake up and realize what I was missing. This right here, holding the world in my arms, is better than any high any drugs could ever give me.

  Epilogue

  Emily

  Today is the day. It’s been six weeks, and just as Eli said, he was there with me every time I had radiation, which only took ten minutes. He couldn’t actually be with me, but seeing him standing there waiting for me when I got there and when I was done was enough. He also moved his schedule around, so he had every Monday off so that he could sit with me for the six hours of chemo. Sometimes I slept, but he stayed. We go to lunch before I need to see Dr. James. Sitting down, I’m nervous, and Eli keeps looking at his phone. “So, do you have a lot of appointments today?”

  “Hmm… what?”

  “I asked if you had a lot of appointments today?”

  After waiting three minutes of silence, I toss my napkin on the table and slide my chair back and stand up. Walking around the table and toward the door, I try so hard to hold the tears in when I hear, “Emily, please.”

  “Please…” Turning around, I see he is on his knee with a ring box. “I know you think I’ve been ignoring you all day, and that is the furthest thing from the truth. The truth is I’m madly in love with you, and I’d like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  “Oh, Eli.” I can’t stop the tears from falling now if I tried. I start walking toward him. Getting down on my knees, I grab his face. “I wish I could marry you, but with so many uncertainties in my life right now, I don’t think it’s fair to you.”