by C A A Allen
“I’ve heard about brownies,” I said. “But never thought I would see one, much less a whole family.”
“Brownies can only be seen by saintly beings with extremely good hearts,” Tigress said. “They’re cleaning your boots because they know you and Dread are good people. They do small things around the house at night to help us out.”
“There is something very different about the girl in there,” I said. “Why is she so sexy? I mean she’s really beautiful. You know she doesn’t look much like the older ones at all. She could be mixed with elf, or maybe even human.”
Tigress rolled her eyes. “She’s definitely not full brownie, everyone can see her, and brownies don’t get that tall, or dress like that. She seems a little promiscuous to me. What I do know is they don’t like to be seen, so come on.”
Tigress headed toward the kitchen. I took one last peek at the brownie family and got caught by the girl’s gaze. To my surprise she smiled and gave me a flirty wink. I quickly ducked and followed Tigress with my heart pounding. That brownie girl sure had some pretty eyes.
In the kitchen Tigress poured a small cup of cream. “I always leave a little something for the brownies. Last year they scared off a piddling river imp breaking into the barn.”
“I want to give them something too, for cleaning the boots.” I pulled out my flask and poured a stream of golden liquid into a cup.
“Really Raff?” Tigress sneered.
“Just a little nip for the good brownie family,” I said. “It can’t hurt.”
Tigress’ eyes narrowed. “Let’s get some sleep, I’ll see you early in the morning.”
I fell into a slight daze as I watched Tigress’ sensual stroll down the hall. I had not noticed her curves quite like that before.
“Tigress,” I whispered. “I am one hundred percent positive that lying alongside you, in your comfortable bed, will be way cozier than that straw pallet. I’ll sleep in your bed with you, but you got to promise not to grind on me.”
Tigress smiled and gave me a shove back down the hall. “You need to show my mother’s house some respect. Now take your drunk self to the guest room with all that noise.”
I plopped down on my pallet and wrestled to find a good position. Three candles burnt low and dimly lit the room, I was already way too relaxed to get up and blow them out. A long stream of slob drained from Dread’s wide-open mouth. Chaz bellowed out a slow bass-infused snore that was sure to keep me awake for a while. I gazed at the orange glowing ceiling and began to fade. My eyes grew heavy as I ran through our proposed Cave Maze strategy.
I couldn’t have been asleep for long when I felt a soft, smooth, hot-blooded body crawl into bed with me. The candied smell of fresh roses filled the sheets. That mead must be really affecting Tigress. We’d always been close, and I often made playful advances, but this was a side of her I didn’t know existed.
Hey, I wouldn’t complain, though.
She massaged my shoulders and rode slowly up on me. Her hot tongue softly glided to my ear where she whispered. “Thank you for the mead, I hope you like the way we cleaned your boots.”
I opened my eyes to see the brownie daughter from earlier looking down at me. She had amazing bedroom eyes that seemed to swirl in a memorizing whirlpool of hazel.
But…this wasn’t what I expected. “Hey, um, it’s all good. The boots we’re really dirty, I appreciate you doing that.”
“Do you appreciate me doing this?” She rolled her hips slowly grinding them into me. “You’ll get no promises from me not to grind.”
I gently put my hands on her waist. “Yes, yes I do appreciate you doing that. You are so fine, and got some nice moves too. What’s your name?”
“Porridge is my name, and I need your help.”
“For sure.” Right about then, I’d help this sweet thing with anything she wanted. “But first tell me, how much of that mead did you drink?”
Porridge licked her lips. “All of it. My mother and father are more into cream. Will you help me? I am willing to do anything.” She contorted her body into an S-form and shifted in slow circles.
I stopped her motion by holding her hips. “Slow down baby, you don’t got to do all that. What kind of help do you need?”
“I overheard your plan to enter the Cave Maze through a service entrance. I need to ask a favor of you once you’re in there.”
The curtain that acted as a door to the room opened slightly, tiny footsteps pattered in the hall outside and low shadows moved.
“That would be my parents,” Porridge hissed. She jumped up and stood alongside my pallet. “I got to go, but I’ll be in touch.”
Porridge scurried out of the curtain.
This must be a dream.
The curtain rippled and Porridge peeked her head back in. She blew me a kiss with her glossy red lips then disappeared into the hallway.
I was sleeping like a log when my pallet began to shake. It then thrashed back and forth. I slammed my arms down to keep from falling off.
“You ready to get on the road cousin?” Dread stood above me, grinning like a maniac with a hang-over. How was he so…peppy after drinking so much last night? “I sure hope we get to see Uncle Riff do his music thing in Chilwell. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him play that lute, he’s always the life and soul of the party.”
I shoved his hands off the edge of the pallet and rolled back over. “It’s way too early to start this walk, Dread. Wake me up when Tigress and Chaz are ready. I really can use some more time to sleep off all that drink.”
Dread shook my pallet again. “Tigress and Chaz are ready. Spending the night here cost us a day off our schedule. We don’t need any more delays. Let’s go cousin.”
“A one-day set back is not going to kill us,” I said. “This just means an overnighter with Uncle Mack to manufacture the busters.”
“Well one more set back like this and Joe is going to be at our necks. So getup!” Dread lifted up my pallet.
I rolled across the sheets and smacked down to the cold, hard floor. When I looked up Dread had already skirted out of the room. “I’m going to get you back after I get dressed!”
I stepped out onto Tigress’ porch to assess the morning and tripped over a sticky dirt clod. I grabbed the rail just in time to save myself from a fall.
Chaz looked at me from his seat on the top step. “Excuse you.” He dug a stick into grooves on the bottom of his boot, and flicked a chunk of slop my direction. Looked like Chaz didn’t fit the bill as a ‘saintly being with an extremely good heart.’
“Good morning Chaz.” I picked up Dread’s and my spotless boots and ducked back into the house. That brownie girl said her name was Porridge…or was it a dream? She said she needed help.
Dread sat next to me and held one boot up. “Tigress’ mother sure did a fine job of cleaning our boots. Look at these, they like new.”
I didn’t bother correcting him, not with Chaz listening.
As we walked to Chilwell I forced my focus forward-to our run. I looked over the team. What would the odds maker in Trosworth think of us? What would our magic user be like? Would Mustela have all her senses working? Her nose should be fine, but what about her hearing? I looked for Mustela on Tigress’ shoulder but she has disappeared.
“Where is our sniffer?” I asked.
Tigress lifted her hair to reveal Mustela asleep around the back of her neck. “Sniffers can sleep up to twenty hours a day if there is no action.”
“Well there is sure to be action in Chilwell tonight,” I said.
“Have you ever been there?” Tigress asked.
“I have,” Chaz interrupted. “Chilwell is the halfway point between Rettingham and Trosworth. Questing teams stop there to live it up before risking their lives in the Maze, or party it up on their way home from a successful run. My family sells a lot of mead to the proprietor at the Inn there. He is a friend of mine.”
“There it is!” Dread said. “King Heads Crooked Billet Inn. And just in the nick of
time too, my bunions are flaring up again. I can’t wait to get in there and have me a drink.”
The sun was just starting to set behind our destination when it came into view. King Heads Inn was a large two-story stone building with a modest bell tower rising up from the middle. Attached to either side was a scary looking brothel, and large stable.
It sat at the entrance of Chilwell. I didn’t bother to look at the rest of the town, despite my curiosity. Business. Everything from this point on was business until we returned with our chests of gold. Then we could celebrate and explore.
“I’ve heard a lot about the parties in this place,” Dread said. “You can drink, gamble, and pick up a…uh…”
“And pick up a what Dread?” Tigress asked.
“And pick up a good night’s rest,” he finished. “The second level here has a few sleeping rooms.” Dread elbowed me in the ribs and whispered in my ear. “I’ve heard the women in this place are wild and loose cousin.”
For some reason, his comment just steered my mind back to Porridge. If only I could be certain it wasn’t a dream. Would she be okay? I shook my head. Why was my focus so off this evening?
A beefy man opened the door. “Welcome to the Crooked Billet.”
CHAPTER 10
We walked into a pub six times larger than the Skepp. The great room was alive with questers, mercenaries, locals, and prostitutes. They drank, gambled, and broke into spontaneous song. Several questing teams cliqued up in different areas of the room to swap Cave Maze lies.
Dread bounced past me and turned around. “Well I’m not disappointed. This is my kind of spot. Let’s go take a load off.”
We made a beeline to the bar and ordered a round of meads. Mustela happily trilled in Tigress’ ear, then jumped down from her shoulder to the bar counter. She flipped, and hopped down the length of the bar, jumped off the end, and popped from table to table.
“Where’s the sniffer going?” Chaz asked.
Tigress smiled. “Some of her old friends are at a table back there, she can’t wait to see them.”
“I got a few friends here too,” Chaz said. “I will be back after I speak with the proprietor. He just might know if there are any inexpensive magic users in need of work around here.”
Dread spun around on his barstool. “I really like this place. Look at Mustela, hanging out with various questing teams’ sniffers, just lapping up mead.”
“Mustelas’s not just ‘hanging out, lapping up mead’,” Tigress snapped. “After catching up with her friends she’ll gather information about the Maze. Mustela’s on the job right now.”
Dread dug deep in his hair raking his scalp. “Understood Tigress. I’m just saying you don’t see that every day.”
Tigress whispered in my ear. “Look at that leprechaun setting next to you. I always thought they were short. He looks almost the size of a normal man.”
The leprechaun extinguished his pipe, quaffed his ale, slid off his stool and stood looking at us red-eyed. He had a long beard and was smartly dressed with a brown leather coat, hat, and buckled shoes. “I am a fighter leprechaun, and a quester for hire young lady.” His breath smelt like he was in the midst of a week-long drinking spree.
He pulled a dagger from his belt and spun it in a circle with his fingers. “The little cobblers back in my homeland can’t do this, nor can any quester in this inn.”
I slapped two gold coins onto the bar. “I’ll bet this young lady can spin a dagger faster than you.” This hustle would be easy as a honey-stout tart.
With the dagger still spinning in one hand, the leprechaun flipped five gold coins onto the bar with the other. “I’ll take that bet, but for five gold to be held by the server.”
I matched the bet by adding three gold coins to the pile. “You’re on,” I say.
The bartender scooped up the gold and rang a bell. “We have a wagering opportunity here!”
Dread and several other questers gathered around making side bets. Tigress jumped off her stool, stood precisely in front of the challenger, and withdrew one of her triple bladed trident daggers.
The leprechaun began twirling his dagger faster, then pulled another from his belt with the other hand, and twirled it in sync. “Double daggers is the game, or there is no bet.”
The corner of Tigress’ mouth tightened on one side. She pulled her other trident and matched his rate of twirling speed.
A sour faced onlooker clapped his hands. “Well get on with it Hooley. You’re a leprechaun. Beat the girl all ready. Faster!”
The two of them sped up their twirling. The four daggers looked like mini hyper windmills, I even felt a slight breeze coming off of them. I’d seen Tigress twirl daggers many times before. Could she beat this oversauced quester?
The leprechaun’s eyes glazed over as he looked into the blur of Tigress blades. He began swaying back and forth then stumbled. One dagger flew up into the ceiling and stuck. The other darted down piercing through his shoe.
“Aaargh!” Hooley hopped away on one foot.
The gathered crowd let out a collective gasp, then exchanged coins and departed with clamorous laughs and groans.
Tigress sheathed her blades and gave me a hug. “I still got it. Did you see that Raff?”
“Damn samurai Tigress,” I said. “You are quick with those things.” The server put the winning gold stack in front me, I took one off the top and gave it back. “For the tab.”
“Thank you sir,” he said. “Another round?”
“Yes! Another two rounds on me, and one for yourself.”
Dread dumped thirty silver pennies onto the bar. “The next time I cook a goose, Tigress is doing the carving. That was impressive. I knew I should have bet more on you girl.”
I pushed four gold coins to Tigress and pocketed the rest. “Looks like we all came up on that hustle.”
Dread stared in the direction of a long table where a large group sat. He lowered his voice. “I want you all to see this. Look over at the long tables. That’s questing Captain Castillo Gabbiano and his team. I’ve won a lot of gold betting the under on them. They’re very good.”
So that was our competition. Nothing we couldn’t handle—especially with my old man’s map.
Castillo stood up from his position at the head of the table. As he brought up his goblet, mead overflowed and splashed down on the table. “Bonnaroo, come over here!”
A stocky pot-bellied quester with a russet brown sniffer on his shoulder made his way to the captain’s side.
Castillo took a pull of mead and wiped the froth with his sleeve. “This man has raised my spirits from ridiculous to sublime. He helped me acquire sweeter ill-gotten gains than the leprechaun king of Woodthorpe. Cheers to Bonnaroo Grifter, the best thief in all of Broxington! Les Trois Perdants will not elude us this time. This will be the run we take home the elusive chest of gold!”
The whole team jumped up and clanked cups with a rowdy cheer. Castillo then smacked a nearby barmaid hard on her backside. She slipped to the floor sending her beverage tray and drinks crashing across it.
Castillo pointed at the girl. “Bring us another round wench!” He then burst into laughter, his team followed suit.
What a bastard.
I started over to help the girl but got pushed aside by the beefy doorman. He stomped to Castillo’s table. “Who’s going to pay for these spilt drinks?” He roared.
“I think you know the answer to that,” Castillo said. “I even got a tip for the slothful whore. Never pussyfoot on my drink order! That’s my tip for that clumsy ogress!”
As the girl was whisked away by other servers, several large doormen converged on the scene. They escorted Castillo outside where back and forth shouting could be heard. If I’d been one of the doormen, there’d be a lot more than just shouting taking place.
Dread watched with a blank expression. “Les Trois Perdants,” he mumbled. “I think I’ve heard of that. Hey look, here comes Uncle Riff!”
My father approa
ched with a rapturous smile and arms wide open. He was lanky, and wore a three-cornered beaver fur hat cocked to the side. “Well if it isn’t my nephew and my son.” He grabbed Dread and I around our necks and gave a gripping hug. He let go and extended a hand to Tigress. She took it and he elegantly twirled her around. “Tigress. My favorite lady with an ermine. If you aren’t the prettiest thing to come out of Beeston, I don’t know what is. Why are you hanging out with these two toads?”
Tigress laughed and ran into Riff with a hug. “I’m going to let your son tell you all about that.”
“Well tell me about it son,” Riff said. “What’s good?”
I took a deep breath. “The Mondavi Scholarship was handed out, and neither Tigress or I won. We’re out of huo-yao at the shop, don’t have the gold to buy more, and have a dept to pay Joseph Vega. Mustela is here too, she miraculously gave birth to her final kit yesterday. Now Tigress and her mom have no source of income. I know this all sounds bad, but we got a plan to make things good for all of us. Very good for all of us.”
Chaz came back to the bar and shook my father’s hand.
“Chaz.” Riff raised an eyebrow. “You’re here too? It’s like all of Beeston came to see me play tonight.”
Dread raised his cup. “I know I did!”
“Oh you’re in for a treat nephew. I’m going to have them climbing the walls of this place. Now go on son, what’s your plan to make all these bad things good?”
“Dad, you’re looking at what is going to be Beeston’s first accredited questing team, and we’re on our way to the Cave Maze. Our plan is to enter the Maze utilizing the family map’s service entrance, then skim the first few levels for gold.”
Riff looked around. “Did you just say you’d be needing my map?”
“Yes I did, Dad. That map is the key to us pulling this off without getting killed.”
Riff gave his goatee a long stroke. “We’ll talk after I perform. I need a few drinks in my system to get loose for this show.”
After inhaling six tall meads Riff disappeared into the crowd. He didn’t seem too keen on giving us the map. Don’t sweat it. He was my father…he owed it to me. And he knew it.
