Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  “I kept a picture of us on me all the time. And of course I thought about calling you, every day, but I wanted you to finish school and focus on living your life. My mom kept me as up to date as she could on you from talking to your mom. I knew when you were back here in Ponderosa. I almost took a leave last summer, but I knew I’d get more time with you if I waited for an official company leave. That’s why I’m here now. I came here to get you and bring you home to me. I’m here to ask you to please forgive me, to try to understand why I left, and to come back to me.”

  He continued, “As for what I did to you,” he paused as he thought of what to say next, “Evi I chose you! I may not have done things perfectly these past years, but I chose you. I chose you when I was seventeen. Every day I want you to know that I have always loved you and I will always love you. I want you with me, now.”

  I was silent. He was silent.

  I had to make a decision and face the results whatever they were going to be.

  I whispered so low, I wasn’t sure he heard me, “Okay. No more looking back,”

  We stood silent for a few more moments. I knew I was going to forgive him. I knew I still wanted him. I knew I had never stopped loving him. I didn’t have anything else to say. I had no more arguments, and my anger had just simply subsided.

  He placed his hands on my shoulders and gently slid them down my arms. He asked, “Am I still your only one Evi?”

  I paused to take a breath and said, “Of course you are. Always Ethan.”

  “Good, because you’re still mine.”

  He completely stole my heart back.

  I finally turned around and looked up into his amazing eyes. He looked so sorry and so sincere. He pulled me and with each soft gentle kiss he whispered over and over, “I’m sorry, I love you.”

  I put my hands on his waist and closed my eyes, but he said, “Evi, keep your eyes on mine.” He slowly lifted me up to him. My legs went around him and locked. Slightly squeezing me, he slid his hands down my rib cage, to my waist, to my hips, and under me. We pulled each other as close as we possibly could, and he carried me to his room.

  Our lips never separated. That kiss was not like our first kiss at all. It was a connection between two married people who had been apart for far too long. We belonged to each other. We didn’t let go of each other even for a moment. We held each other so tightly, I’m still not sure how we went from standing beside his bed fully clothed to being wrapped in his blankets with absolutely nothing between us.

  Ethan attended to my every need while we were together. I felt like he had been reading my mind for the past three years. He must have rehearsed exactly how to touch me, how to kiss me and how to be truly one person with me. All of my senses were awakened. Neither of us had any inhibitions. I focused on his hands, his breathing, the smell of his neck, the words he said, and the sounds he made… oh the sounds and the words. Every single wonderful thing that can come out of making love with someone existed that night. There was so much love and passion between us, I couldn’t imagine how anything could ever be any better than that for as long as I lived.

  Not sure if I wanted to rest or try to begin again, with Ethan resting on me, his warm breath on my neck, still winded, I remembered. I couldn’t stop the thoughts and the emotions of my memories from consuming my brain. He had left me. He left me!

  I released a harsh, grinding cry. I pulled the pillow from beside me over my face and I screamed, “I hate you! I hate you Ethan!” and I cried more. I violently pushed him off of me, and I turned over onto my stomach, burying my face and pounding my fist into the pillow.

  Ethan was stunned. He didn’t move a muscle at first. Then, he very cautiously placed a hand on my shoulder and rested his head on my back.

  “I hate you Ethan. I hate you.” I said it again but with less power.

  “I know you do. It’s okay Evi. I know you do. I’m sorry.” He let me cry this time, unlike our first time together. He knew I did truly hate him, but only because I loved him so much.

  I think we fell asleep, or at least I did. When I awoke, his hand was still on my shoulder and his head was still on my back. His body heat was keeping me warm.

  “Ethan,” I spoke in a raspy, sore voice.

  “Yeah Ev.”

  “My arm is cold.”

  “‘kay.”

  As he pulled the blanket up and covered my arm, I turned back over to face him. I cried softly. I was so sad that he had taken away three years of my life with him. I said, “What you did wasn’t fair Ethan. It wasn’t fair. I deserved to have you, to have this. I didn’t do anything to deserve what you did to me. You didn’t love me enough. That hurts.”

  “No babe. No Evi. I loved you too much. I swear, I loved you too much. Please, please try to understand that you deserved so much more than I could give you at the time. You deserve more than I may ever be able to give you. I love you Evi. I’m here for you. I want you. I want you to forgive me. I am sorry. I will say anything you need to hear from me to prove that you are and always have been everything to me. Everclear, you are everything to me.”

  I let him pull me onto his chest and cover me with the sheet and blankets. Then he slid my leg over his thigh. I was letting him work me into the position he wanted me in.

  Once he finally settled, he said, “I love you. I always have, I always will. I needed to be apart from you to give you everything you deserve. But Evi, right now, right… now… you tell me if you want me. Do you want to give me your life again? Do you trust me? You are my only one. I never even thought about loving or being with anyone but you, but do you still love me and want me?”

  I had released my anger. I had let him know how much he hurt me. My actions spoke volumes above what any more words could achieve. I looked into his eyes and I didn’t even hesitate. I smiled, “Am I going to be getting dinner out of this or not?”

  Ethan laughed out loud, “Yes, you will get dinner.”

  “Okay then. Yes, I do want you, but I want you, again, right now!”

  Intensity and volume were lowered, love and affection were the same… hope and desire… significantly increased.

  Mmmm, so romantic. I was so in love.

  Later, that evening, we bundled up and headed out into the snowy night to have dinner at a local burger place. While we were eating and talking, I realized something special about our relationship. Sometimes when God takes something away from us, He does this so He can use it, mold it, then give it back to us a thousand times better.

  I think God spoke to Ethan’s heart, “Trust Me. Trust My timing. It’s okay to leave her. I will take care of her. Focus on your job, build a life for you both, then go back for her!” So he did. Ethan listened to God, not me.

  * * *

  I spent the entire week with Ethan. He took me home and I packed a bag. “I’m going to Ethan’s mom! I love you!” I yelled like we had a play date or were going bike riding.

  “I figured! I love you too Everclear!”

  Ethan and I played, ate, and stayed in bed late every morning.

  The second week together, Ethan’s home was beginning to feel like my home. I was ready to venture around and explore. He was was messing around somewhere, so I decided to try out the steps he had built to the lake. I got half way down before I realized I had made a big mistake. Ethan built the steps, but he had not shoveled them lately.

  “ETHAAAANNN!” I screamed.

  He came running, and as he reached the top of the stairs, I slipped, and thank God, I landed on my butt. I slid the all the way down to the bottom on my rear end.

  “Agh!” I screamed the whole way down.

  My momentum propelled me onto my hands and knees when I got to the bottom. I rolled onto my back landing in at least a foot and a half of snow. I laughed so hard!

  From the top of the steps he yelled, “SH** Evi! What the hell are you doing out here?! You’re gonna kill yourself!”

  I’d never heard Ethan cuss before so of course I laughed even ha
rder.

  As he walked down the stairs he yelled again, “Geez! How am I supposed to get you back up there? I’m going to have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you up!” He was seriously mad, and it was hilarious!

  “I built these steps so you’d STOP falling down the mountainside Evi. God, you are so clumsy.”

  For a second I heard what he said. He built the steps for me. I didn’t let it sink in right away though.

  “Just go get my skis Ethan. I’ll get down here without falling… backwards… with my eyes closed!” I yelled bragging while continuing my uncontrollable laughter at him.

  “You ski backwards?”

  “Uh! Yes! How do you not know that? Gold medal expert Park, Big Mountain, and Skier Cross baby, among other accolades. Nationally ranked all the way through high school.”

  “Seriously?” he said looking shocked and impressed.

  “Oh… I’m goooood!” I boasted.

  “Oh… yes, I know! Of course that does make me wonder what else I don’t know about you though,” he replied in a flirty voice. “Let’s go babe and stay off the steps. I’ll come shovel and de-ice them later.”

  Ethan helped me up and we slowly ascended the staircase one step at a time. He never let me go.

  Chapter 22

  Our rings remained with me and safely tucked away during our few weeks together. I had a feeling Ethan was thinking about them, but was afraid to ask. Maybe he thought I’d say no to wearing them. After all, we’d only spent those two weeks together in two years and ten months. Yes, I was counting. The rings were constantly on my mind, but I was waiting for him to ask for them.

  At the end of our three weeks together, Ethan returned to Korea. We talked on the phone and often chatted through video. Keeping in touch wasn’t too difficult. We began making plans for me to go see him so he wouldn’t have to use his leave time. He only had a few months left in Korea, then he had two years until he had to decide if he was going to re-enlist or transition to civilian life. Since I was still living with my parents and substitute teaching, I had all the flexibility in the world.

  Close to the end of March, I called Ethan from my bedroom for a video chat. He answered cheerfully of course. We greeted with our usual “I love you” and “I miss you” before I got right to my reason for calling. Without wasting any time on casual conversation, I said, “Ethan, I have an emergency, I’m really scared and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Oh boy, this ought to be good. What is it this time?” He smirked.

  “I held something up in front of me.”

  “Well, what is that, a highlighter?” he asked.

  I didn’t say anything. I held it closer to the camera so he could see it. The plus sign! And there was the expression I was looking for the first time: mouth dropped open, processing, silence, more processing, and finally, shock!

  “Are you there alone?!” he yelled as if agitated.

  I was stunned. I got sad. I thought he was going to break up with me again. Every bad emotion possible starting boiling up inside of me.

  I replied, “No, I asked our moms to be here. Why?”

  “Mom! Mrs. Jordan!” Ethan yelled again. Surprisingly they actually heard him. I was dumbfounded when they ran into the room.

  “What Ethan?” they both said at the same time.

  “Move her into my house now. Please! Pack her stuff and move her in as fast as you can. No, pack her things and have Brody move her in as fast as he can. He’s probably just off skiing or doing something useless anyway. Oh, that reminds me, Mrs. Jordan, do not bring her skis, and Mom, do not let her go down to the lake until I get home. Do you both understand me? She is not to go down to the lake. She is not to ski!”

  “We got it Ethan. We love you honey. Oh and congratulations, we think?”

  I had my head down. I had been so afraid of what he was going to say, that my heart was panicked. I’m sure I was hormonal! Before they closed the door to my room, “Mom!” I yelled that time. “Help meeee!”

  Poor Ethan was terrified, and I know he felt so helpless. This was probably my first real crisis and he was thousands of miles away.

  “Mom… I feel… ” Without missing a beat, my mom put a trashcan under me and I heaved over and over and over again. I was so done with that call. I had my head on the desk. Ethan kept saying, “You’re okay Evi. I love you babe. You’re okay.”

  “Please! Mrs. Jordan, get her to our house and put her in our bed. Please get her anything she needs and please don’t leave her alone. I can’t bear her being alone.”

  My mom responded warmly, “Okay Ethan. I’ll take her over there as soon as she’s ready. I promise. It’ll probably be tomorrow though.”

  He was so sad. I told him I was okay, but that I really needed to go lie down. I got in my bed but I kept him with me holding the phone tight in my hand. Snuggled under my covers with my head on pillow, I mumbled, “Thank you Ethan for saying ‘our bed’ and ‘our house’. I feel like our baby and I have a home now.”

  “You’ve always had a home with me Evi. Now we get to share it with someone we both love together. I’m so excited! I’m so happy.” He yelled, “I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad!”

  After his moment of elation subsided, I looked at him in the phone crying. He looked confused and worried, “Evi, what’s wrong? It’s okay. This is great news. I love you. God, I love you so much!”

  I sniffed and wiped my tears, “Ethan our baby’s going to know that we got pregnant before we got married.”

  “No Evi, we got married four years ago. I never stopped being married to you. I will never stop being married to you. I promised you forever on our wedding night, and it has not been forever yet! Where are our rings?”

  “Mine is right here.” I held it up for him to see.

  “Put it on now and don’t you ever take it off again.” He was so in charge, so commanding.

  “Where’s my ring Ev?”

  “It’s with you babe. I hid it in your backpack just before you left in case you wanted it. It’s safely pinned to an inside pocket.”

  He smiled at me and said, “Are you serious? I love you forever. I’ll be home soon. I’ll call you back later after you rest. I’m going to get to work on planning another trip home.”

  Rest didn’t do me a bit of good. I was down and out for months! I quit working all together. Using Ethan’s bank account, his parents paid all of our bills and our moms did all of the grocery shopping and housekeeping. Brody came over at least once a day to check on me. Someone else did everything for me. I never left the house except to sit outside on our back deck, because I couldn’t go more than an hour without getting sick.

  The bright side was, we were finally truly married. There was no more hiding the fact that we had “gotten married” when I was only nineteen.

  Chapter 23

  As far as I knew Ethan had not worked out getting home to me yet. He was overseas and that was, obviously, too far for weekend visits. I had no doubts that he was doing everything in his power to get to me though. There was no energy to spare within me for worry. I trusted him. He was a planner, an organizer, a leader. He was going to work it out.

  One morning in early June, I awoke around ten. My eyes opened, I waited for that dreaded feeling. Conditioned for it to creep up within my first few deep breaths, I decided to get those over with. I breathed. I sensed. I realized, “I don’t feel like throwing up,” I said to myself.

  There was no way I was not going to take full advantage of my first morning of not vomiting. Carefully, remaining fully aware of how I was feeling, I slipped out from under the covers. First, I let only my legs drape over the side of our bed. Next, I pushed my body upright to join my legs. Finally, I scooted my bum from the edge of the bed and planted my feet on the warm fuzzy rug my mom had bought for me.

  Slowly, anticipating the possible need to run at any moment, I walked into the bathroom. Standing before the mirror I repeated, “I will not puke. I will not puke. Evi, you w
ill survive this day. You’ve got this.” My next statement to myself was, “How the human population is not extinct is beyond me. Why would anyone ever have more than one child if they have to feel like this hour after hour, day after day?” My head dropped. I did not smile. I was not joking.

  Taking full advantage of feeling okay-ish, I showered, brushed my teeth (without gagging), combed my hair for perhaps the first time in a week, and I put on a tank top and the smallest pair of boy-shorts I had that I could still fit into. My belly was shaped like half of a soccer ball was inside of me. Although I was aware of how good my damp hair felt on my back and shoulders, not getting sick yet was a miraculous feeling. I shuffled out to our living room, I looked out at Lake Everclear and the mountain I grew up skiing on, and I thought, home.

  My body was going to need to be fed very soon, so I slid the doors open, then turned away from the view, took a few steps, and plopped onto our couch to build strength. It was so soft and comfy. I put my feet up on the coffee table. I widened my legs placing them a bit more than shoulder width apart, I laid my head back, closed my eyes, and I threw my arms out by my sides. I WAS HOT!

  The front door opened behind me, but I didn’t turn around.

  “Mom?”

  “No, it’s me Evi.”

  “Hi Sonja.”

  “I brought you groceries Evi. How are you today? Have you been sick this morning?”

  In my whiniest voice I said, “No, I haven’t been sick but I still feel like if I move too fast I’ll throw up at any second. But Sonja, I’m soooo hot I can’t stand it.”

  I heard bags rustling by the door.

  “Probably hot flashes. Pregnancy hormones you know,” she said as I heard more rustling.

  “It’s horrible though! What do I do?”

  “Well, is the ceiling fan on?”

  “Yes, it’s on high.”

  “Is the air conditioner on?”

  “No, it’s cooler outside, and the fresh air makes me feel less sick so I have all the back doors open instead.”