Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  “Well, why don’t you go sit outside then Evi?”

  “Ugh!” still whining, “because the couch isn’t outside!”

  “Do you want me to go get Brody so he can move the couch to the back deck for you?”

  Bags were still rustling.

  “No Sonja. Don’t be silly! Brody will just smash it through a window, then Ethan will kill him and it’ll be huge Cain and Abel family tragedy. This baby doesn’t need that kind of pressure before it’s even born!” I was being infantile and fussy.

  I heard a snicker from her.

  “You’re laughing at me aren’t you Sonja?”

  “No Evi, I’m not laughing at you.”

  “Yes you are. I hear you. Uh, I’m hot!” I pulled my hair off of my neck and plopped my arms back out to my sides.

  “No Evi, I’m not laughing. You’re just so dramatic today. You must be feeling better.”

  “Sonja, why on earth do you have so many grocery bags? You know I can’t eat that much food. Brody will just come over and eat it all. You might as well carry all of that food to your house.”

  “You need food in your house Evi. Once you’re feeling better, you will need food around. And, besides that, I won’t let Brody come eat it all.”

  “I know you’re a great mom, but I’m not sure you can stop him. He’s always here you know?”

  “Evi, I will not let Brody eat all of your food.”

  Mumbling, I offered a different perspective, “Well, he might as well. It’s not like I can keep it down.” Then I asked with more energy, “Hey, is at least one of those bags filled with chocolate?”

  “Nooooo Evi.”

  “Well did you bring me a pot of coffee?”

  “No Evi. You know the doctor says you can’t have chocolate or coffee. You ask me every time I come here for chocolate and coffee.”

  “That’s because I waaaaannt it! That dumb doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway!”

  The rustling finally stopped and I heard the door click closed.

  Then… “You should listen to your doctor Evi.”

  It was Ethan! He was home! He was standing there behind me the whole time. He was watching me, listening to me, laughing at me! The five thousand bags of groceries made sense.

  You would have thought that if ever there was moment I would run and jump into his arms, that would have been it, but I didn’t. I did quite the opposite.

  I fell onto the floor face down and curled in a ball between the sofa and the coffee table. Then I screamed, “Don’t look at me!”

  Ethan laughed and then barked an order at me. “I have already been looking at you for the past five minutes! Get up!”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t know you were looking at me then! I don’t want you to see how big I’m getting Ethan.”

  I never thought I would be a girl who’d be so vain about being pregnant and about how much my body was changing. The problem was that I’d been too sick to care and since I was feeling slightly better, I noticed.

  I got up, ran to the window and hid behind a curtain. With only my face out, I said to him, “You can come kiss me over here, but then you’ll have to turn around so I can go get dressed and do my hair and makeup. Then you can see all of me Ethan.”

  Still laughing at how different I had become in such a short amount of time, Ethan put his hands on his hips and said, “Let me ask you this Evi, do both of my parents come over here?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do both of your parents come over here?”

  “Of course.”

  “And, does Brody come over here? Has he seen how you look every day?”

  Uh oh, he had me on that one. “Um, yes,” I replied very sheepishly.

  “Then get your A** out from behind that curtain, NOW!”

  He was demanding. First, I knew he was very accustomed to commanding people and second, I knew he was certainly not used to being told ‘no’ by anyone he was commanding.

  I thought. I conceded, “Okay, I’ll come out, but only if you’ll close all of the curtains in the room first and make sure the front door is locked.”

  He politely obliged.

  Satisfied, I stepped from behind the curtain so he could see me just the way I was. No, so he could see me and our baby just the way we were. We belonged to him. We were his.

  Later that evening…

  “Wait! No romantic interlude story to share?” The interviewer interjected for the second time. “That’s a bit of a let-down for the viewers.”

  “Mr. Moore, have you not listened to any of my stories? I figured you were tired of hearing about the ‘interludes’ by now.” I tone contained quite a bit of sarcasm.

  “Ma’am, we’re here to film a romantic documentary on military couples to air for Valentine’s Day next year. We want to hear everything about you and your soldier. We need as much information about your love story as you are willing to give. You just be as open and honest as you are comfortable, and let us do the editing please.”

  I reversed to Ehtan’s homecoming morning for Mr. Moore. I said, “Fine. Hmm… Let’s see, I can probably summarize the encounter pretty quickly.”

  “Okay,” was his simple reply with pen and paper ready once more.

  I continued with my story.

  Ethan and I never even made it out of our living room. I stepped from behind the curtain. He was standing about six feet from me with his hand extended to me. I walked to him and took it. Then, I asked him, “Will you make love to me Ethan, pleeeease?”

  A deja vu occurred when he instantly dropped to his knees in front of me, lifted my shirt, and kissed my stomach. Looking up at me he replied, “Oh, I plan on it babe. And by the way, that’s still a very good word.”

  I put my hands behind his head and scratched my fingers through his short hair. I bent down, kissed him, and took complete control of everything we did. From there, you can let your imagination run wild! Really wild!”

  Next, I’m sure my expression spoke volumes. I smiled as I looked at the floor in a sly way feeling Ethan’s hands, his lips and his body all over me. I remembered lifting my arms as he pulled my tank over my head. I slid his shirt from his shoulders and down his arms. The feeling of his warm skin on mine still made me tingle.

  I then turned my head to the right and rested my chin on my shoulder as I dreamed about his eyes, his breath, and his moans. I remembered how each time Ethan and I reunite, it’s like our first time and our hundredth time. Making love with him is always new, yet he knows me. He knows me so well.

  I cut just my eyes back to Mr. Moore and said, “You’d be amazed at how fun this room is. Every surface you see is a playground when you love someone. Do I really need to give anymore details?”

  The interviewer looked at me, gave me a half smile and looked back down at his list of questions.

  “Oh Evi!” One of our moms’ voices rang out behind me like I was fifteen and had just disappointed her.

  I wasn’t sure which one of them said it so I just responded with, “Seriously mom! You have sat here for two hours listening to me tell the world about my sex life with Ethan and that is what shocked you?”

  Then one of the film crew from a back room let out a burst of laughter.

  I’m almost done Mr. Moore, stay with me.

  As I was saying…

  Later that evening, Ethan and I were resting here on the couch watching TV. He was lying across it with his upper body and head propped on the arm, and I was lying on my back between his legs with my head resting on his chest.

  “What was that?!” Ethan asked with extreme concern.

  “What Ethan?”

  “I think something just ran across the floor from under the chair over there.”

  Casually I said, “Oh, probably so.”

  I made kissing noises and a tiny, tiny brown fur ball pounced cautiously onto the couch at my feet.

  “Come, come,” I said sweetly in a high squeaky voice. She walked slowly, shaking, with her eyes squi
nting like she wanted to be held. She climbed up my body and curled into a ball on my chest just below my chin. She looked at Ethan trying to figure out if she could trust him. Keeping her big brown eyes on Ethan, she cautiously lay her chin on her paws, while she rested on my chest.

  “Seriously Evi! What the hell is that?” he yelled.

  Her tiny head popped up. I put my hand on her bottom to secure her. I said, “She’s a Poo-huahua. Isn’t she beautiful? Her name is Piper. Hey baby, she’s mommy’s girl…”

  “Evi? You got a freaking dog?! And you named it Piper?”

  “Yup!” I smiled at her, then still using my squeaky baby voice I added, “I lived with Piper for three years, why would I want my roommate to have any other name?”

  “Oh my …. Ugh… Evi… Noooo…”

  “Oh settle down. She’s sweet, and besides she spends most of her time at your mom’s house with Brody.”

  “Geeez! Are you kidding me? So basically you and Brody have joint custody of a dog?” he asked rolling his eyes.

  “Huh? I guess you could put it that way.” I laughed.

  “Great.”

  That subject was dropped.

  Then Ethan asked, “Hey, you only lived with Piper for three years? Who’d you live with your senior year of college?”

  I responded with basic facts, “I got an apartment downtown and lived alone. I focused on school, my job and my student teaching. I sat home each night working, planning, resting. Nothing special. I didn’t even go out my senior year. I was my old independent self again.”

  “Oh,” he replied.

  I assumed he had more questions, but I knew we’d get to everything we’d both been through over the past three years as time progressed.

  We sat there, all four of us, on the couch, together: Ethan, me, our baby, and Piper.

  “Ethan,”

  “Yes babe.”

  “I’m still sooooo hot.”

  “Well, tell her to get off of you.”

  “I can’t she’s inside of me.”

  He tried to jerk up from under me. Piper jumped down to the floor.

  “Don’t move so fast Ethan, I’ll throw up.”

  “Evi, are you telling me our baby is a girl?”

  “Yes Ethan, she’s a girl.”

  “Who else knows this?”

  “Just you babe. I have been saving this secret for just you. We have another secret together. This one, however, will be out in about five months.”

  Ethan kissed me and with a smile that could not be erased, he said, “We’re naming her Brighton, because she already brightens my life.” He hugged me, hugged us.

  “Ethan! Let me go!” I jumped out of his arms and ran down the hall. He followed me. I grabbed my hair before I even got to the bathroom. Within seconds, I was bent over the toilet.

  Ethan followed. He curled around me and sat me on his lap. He held my hair for me and rubbed my back. I had a sneaky suspicion he was happy about this. I, of course was beyond miserable, but gosh it sure was a comfortable way to be throwing up!

  “I missed you Ethan,” I whined and coughed.

  “I’m here now. We’re together now. I’ve got you.”

  For a moment, Ethan scooted me to the side so he could get me water and a washcloth. He came back to me, sat with his back against the wall, placed me between his legs, and held me like I was the baby. The cool cloth he rubbed on my face was soothing. He whispered, “I’m here Evi. I’ll take care of you.” A few moments later he asked, “Evi, why is there a blanket sitting here? I thought you were hot.”

  “You’ll see.”

  I turned and threw up a few more times. Each time he held me. In between my episodes, I took a moment and said, “By the way, absolutely no one is allowed to use this toilet! This is where my face has been for three months! That is an order!”

  “Noted,” he agreed laughing.

  “I mean it Ethan. I’ll know. I can smell everything! It’s horrible.”

  “Okay babe. I promise.”

  I rested in his arms and like clockwork, my adrenaline kicked in. I started shivering like I was terribly ill.

  “Blanket Ethan.”

  He covered me, kissed me, warmed me.

  I never remembered feeling so sick yet so comfortable and loved in my entire life. I was all his.

  Ethan put his hand on my belly and I put mine on top of his. I played with the ring on his left hand and we stayed there, next to the toilet, in each other’s arms.

  Chapter 24

  Ethan waited a while to tell me that he never bothered to ask for another leave. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me that the army didn’t care that he basically knocked up his girlfriend, nor do they grant leave for morning sickness. My condition was irrelevant. You see, even though Ethan and I felt married, and our families accepted us as married, we still were not legally married. He was a single man, a soldier, with no children. I meant nothing to the army. To say he is far more legally bound to them than me, would not be an understatement. Years ago, on one of my trips to New York to visit Ethan, someone told me, “Be careful dear. It sounds like he’s young and strong and smart. If the Army wanted him to have a wife, they would have issued him one.” I laughed at the time, but it was true. Until our marriage was legally document, Ethan was essentially married to them not me, not our baby. I’ve always known that.

  All that mattered was that he was finally there with me, so I was okay with him not asking. In our home in Ponderosa, I was safe and had several people taking care of me. Although neither of us liked being apart, we both knew I was okay.

  Overall, the timing of his leave ended up being perfect. Ethan informed me that his deployment in Korea was done. I was beyond excited. That visit was his break between base transfers. He had been assigned to the United States. I could move to wherever he was going to be, if I wanted. We were getting closer and closer to a life together.

  Ethan received his PCS orders and found out he was moving to Fort Jackson in South Carolina. That base is where a lot of new soldiers are sent for their combat basic training. Ethan’s a strong leader and has combat experience, so his skills would be very useful there. We’d both be teachers!

  I was so excited not only to know that he was going to be in the US, but also to hear that he was going to South Carolina. If I was going to move anywhere with him, I hoped it was going to be somewhere I actually wanted to be for a while. We could spend weekends and holidays in Charleston or at the beach. I was very excited.

  A few days after Ethan got home, since I was feeling better, I decided to go shopping with my mom in town. We had a light lunch, walked along the waterfront, and visited a few stores. It was the first time I’d been out of the house in a couple of months.

  Ethan stayed home working on the lawn and around the house. Brody took care of most everything for him when he was gone, so he was excited to get out and do some work himself with no distractions for a while.

  The fresh air and the exercise felt good but after a few hours, I was getting tired, so mom and I ended our outing. She drove me home, dropped me in front of our house, and she left.

  When I walked inside through the door between the garage and the kitchen, I saw Ethan standing in the dining room leaning against the table.

  “Hey Ethan. Did you get a lot done today?” I asked.

  “What’s this Evi?” he asked furiously.

  “Where’d you find that?” was my only response.

  “It doesn’t matter Evi! It’s in my house!”

  “Did you read that?” I asked as my voice cracked and I started shaking.

  “Yes! It has my name on the front!” Ethan had never raised his voice to me like that in all the years I’d known him.

  “Well it’s not yours so you should have never read it! How could you do that?”

  My heart was sick. Ethan had found my journal that I had written in during the first year that he left me. That was also the timeframe when I was seeing Clark again. This journal
ended up in our house because Brody had moved my things there after I told Ethan I was pregnant. My mom pulled the crate of my high school yearbooks, some notebooks and my Bibles out, and Brody just brought it with my other things. The crate was in a closet in the spare room. I didn’t even realize it was there, and I had completely forgotten the journal even still existed.

  “What is this Evi?” Ethan was shaking the journal at me.

  I had never seen him like that. I wasn’t afraid of him, though I was confused about why he was so angry. However, I believe that because I was on the verge of becoming a mother, I was ready to fight to protect myself and my baby.

  “What does it say on the first page Ethan? Read it!” I yelled back at him.

  He stared at me for a moment.

  On the first page I had written:

  I have to write down every emotion I have about Ethan or I am going to go crazy. He has left me and I don’t think he’s coming back for me, ever. I don’t trust him and I don’t trust his promises because he promised me forever. He has hurt me more deeply than I knew was possible, but I will get better. When this book is complete, I will burn it and I will move on with my life. I will stop constantly thinking about him. I will stop letting him hurt me. I WILL forget him.

  Then, for a year I recorded every emotion I had for Ethan. I wrote about how often I cried. I wrote about how often I was angry. I wrote about times I didn’t think about him at all. Finally, I wrote about Clark. I wrote a lot of intimate details about dating Clark. Looking back, there were three things about this journal that I believe drove Ethan to that furious state.

  First, I believe he was just realizing how much he had hurt me and he couldn’t bear the pain. He put me in a place of needing someone else. Every situation in that journal was his fault. He could not go back and undo any of it, nor could he fix it, nor erase the images from his mind.

  Second, Ethan was having to face the fact that I had spent over a year of our separation with Clark. Ethan and I had not spent much time together. I hadn’t told him about Clark because it didn’t matter to me anymore. That relationship was almost completely forgotten. Ethan was being driven into an outrage, not because of his knowledge that Clark and I had seen each other again, but because he never knew how close we had gotten. Ethan did not know that I almost gave in to my feelings for Clark. I considered marrying him.