Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  I frowned. How was I vulnerable?

  We left without having resolved anything. Jaden’s mother didn’t even kiss him goodbye when we left, an omission I’d never before witnessed. I stayed quiet on the drive back, awash in remorse for the effect I was having on their relationship.

  Jaden looked over at me. “So, on a scale of one to ten...”

  “Minus two, definitely,” I joked.

  His answering smile soon faded. “My own mother thinks I’m a pervert.” He looked revolted.

  “Well let’s face it, you are something of a pervert,” I teased. “And I mean that in the best and most complimentary way possible.”

  He rolled his eyes and shook his head at me, but he reached over and took my hand, and he held it the rest of the way home.

  * * *

  In early December a huge, specialized horse transport truck came to pick up Kermit and Piba, Jaden’s polo ponies. The horses would travel down in comfort, as the truck featured air-ride suspension, closed circuit cameras, and air conditioning. Jennalyn, Jaden’s steady groom, would travel to Florida with them to get them acclimated. She’d also have to increase their fitness levels because although they’d been ridden regularly since the end of our own polo season, it wouldn’t be enough for the world-class polo they’d be playing come January.

  As the truck rumbled down Shady Lane’s long driveway Jaden turned to me.

  “I suppose it’s time to ask Dec,” he said. “Maybe I should speak to him alone. The trick with the Foster men is never to let things escalate to the point of argument because once they’re angry the game’s over.”

  “So that’s why you fell for me — because I never argue.” I grinned at him.

  Dec was in the kitchen, and Jaden joined him while I snuck upstairs. I wasn’t up there for more than a few minutes when I heard the unmistakable sound of Dec’s voice raised in anger. A minute later Jaden’s rose to match it. I stiffened. I’d never heard them argue before; Jaden had always gotten along well with his uncle, and Dec doted on his nephew to an almost irritating degree. I wanted to run downstairs but was afraid that my presence would only make things worse, so I listened in tense silence until I heard rapid footsteps and the front door closing hard. I almost ran into Dec in my headlong rush across the living room.

  “You!” he barked.

  I skidded to a stop and regarded him warily.

  “Have you lost your mind? Did you really think I’d let you go away with him?” His icy blue eyes stabbed into mine.

  I hung my head but didn’t say anything. After a minute he grunted.

  “It’s probably a good thing Jaden’s leaving, at any rate. Penny and Robert have made it clear that they’re not comfortable with having you over together for Christmas dinner.” He paused. “You’d better go say bye to Jaden. I told him to go home.”

  My eyes flew to his face. “You can’t keep kicking him out, Dec. His horses live here.”

  “So does my daughter,” he growled.

  I ran to the barn and found Jaden waiting for me in the feedroom. He closed the door before pulling me to him. His body was still hard from arguing, and I pressed myself tightly against it.

  “It’s so unfair,” I whispered against his chest. “You were so worried about me, about how I’d suffer once the family found out, but you’re the one paying the price. Yet you were the one always trying so hard to do the right thing.”

  He cupped my chin in his hand and gently raised my face.

  “That’s a good thing, Téa. I can take it. I don’t want you worrying about me, okay?” His eyes held mine intently until I nodded, fighting back tears.

  After Jaden left I returned to the house and wondered, for the first time, how much longer I could stay there. The thought made me notice it anew. Gran had moved out when my mom and Dec married, and with Gran’s blessing, my mother had redecorated. The house retained a country feel but the colors were lighter, the furniture less formal than in Gran’s day. Only Dec’s office had resisted mom’s attempts to brighten up the house. It still boasted Granddad’s massive wooden desk, dark green walls, and a faded black leather couch pushed up against one wall. I’d been living in this house for half my life. It was home.

  * * *

  Somehow word spread about Jaden’s request, and I could hear Dec fielding anxious calls from family members. Each time he got off the phone he looked daggers at me, and I slunk away, not wanting to antagonize him further. The one from Aunt Paloma was the worst, maybe because she and Dec had always been close.

  As soon as he’d hung up, Dec called Jaden. “You need to work this out with your mother, son. She’s sacrificed a lot for you, and this is no way to repay her.”

  Minutes later the phone rang again. Dec didn’t say much and turned to me afterward. “Your uncle Peter’s coming over tomorrow night. You’d better ask Jaden to come too.” I nodded, feeling a twinge of guilt that he wouldn’t simply call Jaden himself.

  Even though Jaden’s parents were divorced, they were on good terms and I had a feeling Jaden’s mother was sending his father over to play bad cop. The next night I waited nervously for his arrival, but Jaden showed up first.

  “If it isn’t my favorite cousin,” Seth quipped, meeting him at the door.

  Jaden raised his brows.

  “After what you pulled, I can get away with practically anything. I’m golden now.” Seth grinned.

  Jaden shook his head in mock disgust and gave Seth a shove, but must have been a gentle one since Seth barely bobbled. Seth was pretty close to Jaden’s height of over six foot one, but my twin’s eighteen-year-old physique couldn’t rival Jaden’s broad shoulders and lean muscling.

  Uncle Peter arrived minutes later. He was taller than his younger brother and less powerfully built, but his sandy brown hair didn’t show as much grey as Dec’s did. He dispensed with his usual charm in social situations and got to the point as soon as we’d found seats in the living room.

  “Do you have any idea what you’re doing to your mother, Jaden? We didn’t raise you in a trailer park. We have certain standards of behavior in this family.”

  Jaden made an impatient sound but Uncle Peter plowed on. “Of all the girls available to you, you had to pick your cousin?”

  I flinched. I was sure that was what most people were thinking. Why, when he could so clearly be with anyone he wanted, would Jaden pick me? There was nothing special about me. I wasn’t in his league.

  “I love Téa,” Jaden said carefully. “Yes, she happens to be my step-cousin, but we can’t help our feelings for each other.”

  “Wake up, Jaden. We all know the girl’s defiant and a thrill-seeker.” Uncle Peter was staring at Dec now. “Maybe if Dec had taught her some respect this wouldn’t have happened, but here we are. What bigger thrill is there than dating your cousin? And she gets to piss Dec off in the process. But the excitement will wear off after a while, your little tryst will be over, and by then the damage will be done.”

  Jaden leaped up, eyes ablaze and hands balled into fists at his sides. “Get out,” he growled at his father.

  Uncle Peter stood slowly. He stalked up to Jaden, glaring at him through narrowed eyes. “You can’t throw me out, boy. This isn’t your house.” Suppressed anger bubbled through his words.

  “Yes, it is,” Dec said. He went to stand by Jaden. “Jaden’s always been welcome to call this place home.”

  I recognized the muscle bunching in Uncle Peter’s jaw. I’d always thought that Jaden looked more like his mother, but suddenly the resemblance to his father seemed disturbingly strong.

  Uncle Peter turned to go.

  “Uncle Peter, wait,” I said, getting up. He stopped and frowned at me. I turned to Jaden and spoke haltingly. “Jaden, you’re the one who taught me the importance of family. And of forgiveness. Please don’t let your father walk out of here like this.”

  Because of me, Jaden’s mother was barely speaking to him. I couldn’t bear the thought of creating a divide between him and h
is father too, no matter how difficult he was being.

  Jaden gave his father a hard stare. “Seems to me Téa’s not the one causing the trouble here.”

  “This won’t end well, Jaden. Mark my words.” Uncle Peter gave Dec a curt nod and left.

  I wanted to seek solace in Jaden’s arms, but instead, I slowly crossed the living room and faced Dec.

  “It’s not true,” I said, fighting the quaver in my voice. I held his gaze as long as I could, willing him to see the truth in my eyes. But I felt tears threaten and hung my head. “This has nothing to do with defying you.”

  “Thank you for standing with us,” Jaden added quietly.

  “It doesn’t mean that I approve,” Dec said curtly. He stalked into his office. As soon as the door clicked, Jaden wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t say anything, just held me and allowed strength to seep from his body into mine.

  Jaden left soon afterward. I avoided Dec, but I couldn’t dodge my own guilt, and that night I lay awake considering the carnage I’d wreaked. Aunt Penny and Uncle Robert were too uncomfortable to see us; Jaden’s close bond with his mother was perhaps irreparably damaged, and his relationship with his father was stretched to the breaking point. And now this. I remembered seeing Dec with Uncle Peter at Stacey’s birthday party the previous spring. They’d hardly spoken in years because of Uncle Peter’s abuse of Jaden, but that day they sat together joking and talking for hours. Dec was happy to be reunited with his brother, and I had driven a wedge between them once again.

  I thought about the last time my mom was home. Dec had carried her carefully to their room and propped her up against the pillows in bed. A wordless communication had passed between them, and he kissed her forehead and left without looking at us. Seth and I climbed up carefully to sit on either side of our mother. She had looked so impossibly white and thin, almost translucent. As though she was already a ghost, I remembered thinking, and immediately hated myself for the thought.

  She held Seth’s hand and put her other hand on my knee.

  “I had this big speech prepared,” she said, “but then I realized I didn’t need it.” Even her voice was thin.

  Seth gazed at her earnestly but I looked away, clenching my teeth so hard my jaw ached.

  “I was going to ask you to promise me you’d always stick together and take care of one another,” Mom went on. She looked at each of us, and I met her calm blue gaze fleetingly before looking away again. “Then I realized that’s something you will always do naturally. Instead, I’m going to ask you something much harder.”

  Her frail hand squeezed my knee and I summoned my courage enough to look into her face.

  “The Fosters are your family now. I know you and Dec don’t always see eye-to-eye, but please promise me you’ll do your best to make this family work.”

  “You’re my family,” I said tightly, “you and Seth.”

  She turned to face me more fully, wincing from even that small movement, and I cursed myself for the effort I’d made her expend.

  “Dec, Gran, and everyone else is your family just as much as I am, Téa. Not because of the law, but because they’ve embraced you as one of their own.” She smiled gently at me as she tucked a long strand of hair behind my ear. “Don’t forget, my fierce little girl, that even you need someone to look after you sometimes. You can lean on Dec, he’s strong. He may not show it easily, but he loves you.”

  I kept myself from snorting with some difficulty.

  “And don’t forget that you’ve got Paloma, too. She’s a lovely woman and she truly cares about both of you.”

  I hesitated. I didn’t want to upset my mother, but this could be my last chance to ask a question that only she could answer. I picked at a loose thread in the quilt and didn’t look at her as I spoke.

  “Mom, don’t you think you should tell us about our father? I mean, what’s the point of hiding it now?” My voice was so small and scratchy that I wondered if she’d heard me.

  There was a long pause. “It was never for my sake that I kept it from you,” she said finally. I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t look up. “It won’t help you now to go running after someone who doesn’t want you. Instead, why don’t you try to appreciate the family that does.”

  I had glanced at Seth. At fourteen, he looked like a stick bug topped by a shock of blond. His free hand was clutching the quilt as though it could prevent him from drowning in grief. Mom reached out to him and he curled against her side, sobbing.

  I lurched off the bed and stalked to the door. I heard my mother calling after me but I ignored her and kept going. I ran full-out down the stairs and to the barn and was in Blaze’s stall before I stopped, panting and crying and furious. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and hugged him.

  “You’re my family now, Blaze,” I mumbled into his warm neck. “You and Seth are all I’ve got left.”

  My mom died the following week. And ever since, I’d lived with guilt for running out that day, for not spending every last possible second with her, for not giving her peace of mind in her final days by promising that I’d do whatever it took to make this family work. But I’d been trying to make it up to her ever since, and I could only hope that she was watching.

  I hadn’t heard Dec go to bed yet, so I got up and pulled on my robe. I crept down the stairs, hoping that he would be calmer now, rather than angrier. He was in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee and reading the paper. He followed me with his eyes as I sat in my usual spot to his right, but didn’t say anything.

  “I wanted to say I’m sorry,” I began. I stared at the table as I spoke. Old and made of pine, its caramel surface was grooved and pitted by decades of daily use. It was one of the few pieces left over from Gran’s days in the house.

  Dec cleared his throat softly, and I looked up to find his eyes resting on me thoughtfully. “You know, when your mother and I met, it was love at first sight,” he said. “Within a few weeks, I knew I wanted to marry her. Maybe it’s our genes that make the men in my family and the women in yours so attracted to each other.”

  I felt my eyes go wide. I’d never heard Dec talk this way before.

  “I haven’t handled this well,” he went on. “If I’d known early on, I probably would’ve forbidden you from seeing the boy. But what’s done is done, and it’s time for me to take a stand.

  His pale stare held me and my body went cold. This was precisely what Jaden and I had been afraid of. If Dec stood against us now, my entire life would be turned upside-down.

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Life was simpler when I could just put you over my knee.” He paused, and my heart began beating painfully fast. “But you’re a young woman now, and though I’d like to throttle him right about now, Jaden’s a fine young man. If you’re determined to make this work... well, I’ll back you up.”

  Two

  We waited a couple of days before testing Dec’s newfound tolerance. Jaden was still in the entryway when Dec emerged from his office, and I peered around the corner of the kitchen doorway, my body tense. I could see Jaden’s face from my vantage point, and I saw at once that his guard was down. The set, determined expression of the last few weeks had been replaced by a hopeful one, but his eyes were cautious. I held my breath as Dec faced him.

  “Two things,” Dec said shortly. “From now on, don’t lie to me.”

  Jaden nodded.

  “And patch things up with your dad. We’ve worked too hard to get this family back together. I don’t want this incident getting out of hand.”

  “Yes, sir,” Jaden said seriously.

  Dec clapped him on the shoulder. “Come on then, you’d better help me if we want to eat before midnight.”

  I shook my head in amazement as I retreated into the kitchen. I wasn’t sure I would ever understand men.

  Gran came over too, and Jaden sat in his usual spot across from me. Dinner ended up being perfectly normal, much to everyone’s relief. We talked about the horses, barn gossip, and the upcoming
holidays.

  “Speaking of which, I’ve been invited over to Julia’s on Christmas Eve,” Seth said.

  Dec shook his head. “You know the rule, son. Christmas is for family.”

  Seth chewed his lip and looked away, clearly debating whether to argue. I froze with sudden dread. Our entire family — with the exception of Jaden’s sister, who lived too far — had Christmas dinner together every year.

  “Do I have to go?” I asked in a small voice.

  Dec frowned. “Of course you’re going.”

  I felt the beginnings of panic rising up inside me.

  “Dec, I don’t want to go to dinner and be the circus sideshow.” I kept my voice quiet, but my body was rigid. An evening as the object of stares and judgment would be torture. “And people would be more relaxed if I wasn’t there.”

  “Maybe the family needs the opportunity to get used to our relationship without us rubbing their noses in it,” Jaden said slowly. “If Téa and I aren’t there, perhaps you’ll get the chance to reason with them calmly.”

  I looked at Jaden wistfully. The corners of his mouth curled up a touch, as if he were reading my thoughts.

  Dec’s eyes moved from Jaden to me. “I know what you two are thinking,” he growled.

  “And I think it’s a good idea,” Gran said.

  “What?” Multiple exclamations burst forth as our heads whipped around to face her.

  “You must be joking, mom,” Dec said grimly. “Téa cannot go to Florida with Jaden.”

  “Why ever not?” Gran asked. Her blue eyes, a shade darker than her son’s, held his calmly.

  “Because she’s too young to be taking off with a... with her...”

  “Boyfriend?” Gran supplied.

  “Yes!” Dec’s face was coloring rapidly. I looked back and forth between him and Gran with my mouth hanging open. I’d seen them disagree before, but not like this. And not over me.