Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  “Until the family’s on board, you’re going to keep things under wraps,” Dec stated. He approached and put his hand on Jaden’s shoulder. “You need to talk to your mother as soon as possible, son. She has something to tell you.” He had an odd look on his face.

  After Jaden left I went to find Dec. “What’s going on with Aunt Paloma?”

  He shook his head tiredly. “It’s not for me to tell you, but you’ll find out soon enough.” Then, to my shock, he kissed the top of my head.

  * * *

  The following weekend Aunt Paloma, Jaden, and his sister Lexie came over to visit. Lexie lived in Chicago and I hadn’t seen her for several years.

  I watched with interest as she gave Dec a hug. The most striking thing about her was the resemblance to her father. Her sandy brown hair was the same shade, although hers was long and curly, and her marble-blue eyes were a perfect match for Uncle Peter’s. They also held the same appraising, almost challenging expression as they came to rest on me.

  “Téa, good to see you again,” she murmured, hugging me somewhat stiffly. She was wearing dress pants and a formal blouse. She looked like she was dressed for the office.

  Jaden came and put his arm around me as Lexie went to greet Seth.

  “She’s like my dad’s clone, isn’t she,” he murmured.

  “Yeah, it’s eerie.”

  “They have the same personality too.”

  I looked at Dec, feeling the now-familiar curl of contrition. His brother thought I was a troublemaker, his sister thought what I was doing was inappropriate, and the ex-sister-in-law he loved was barely speaking to him. My choices were reflecting badly on him, and although he had to be feeling the family pressure, he hadn’t put any on me to break up with Jaden. I wanted Lexie to like me — she was Jaden’s sister, after all — but I decided she’d better not add to Dec’s burden, or else.

  Dinner was okay since Lexie spent most of her time talking to Dec and Gran about her job. Afterward Jaden came to do the bedtime check of the barn with Seth and me. Since the incident with Tom I didn’t go into the barn alone at night — it wasn’t that I was scared, I told myself. I was simply growing wiser. We strode quickly through the cold night air with Seth in the middle in case anyone was watching.

  “Do your sister and dad get along?” I asked Jaden as we stepped into the dim, damp warmth of the barn. Seth gave us some privacy by going to check the other aisle.

  He nodded. “Like peas in a pod.”

  “Then... did he hit her, too?” I whispered.

  He encircled me in his arms before answering. “Not much. But then, I was the defiant one.”

  “There you are,” Lexie’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

  I started to pull away from Jaden but he tightened his arms, refusing to release me. Lexie frowned at the sight.

  “Isn’t it time we were going?” She spoke to Jaden, but her eyes kept coming back to me. I felt my face beginning to color, and it got rapidly worse when Jaden dipped his head and kissed me slowly.

  “Jaden!” she exclaimed.

  The look he gave her was resolute. “Téa’s my girlfriend, Lexie.”

  She glared at him. “I’d like to bring my boyfriend home to meet the family,” she fumed. “How am I supposed to introduce Téa? ‘This is my cousin, and oh yes, she’s also my brother’s girlfriend?’ He’s going to think we’re hillbillies!”

  “If he’s worth dating, he won’t prejudge us,” Jaden said.

  Lexie’s face set into hard lines that I recognized. “Mom’s waiting for us.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute,” Jaden said calmly. “I need to talk to Téa first.” He gave his sister a significant look.

  I turned to him, curious. He held me against him so I couldn’t see his face while he spoke. He stroked my hair.

  “My mom’s sick. The doctor found a growth on her shoulder, a skin tumor. It’s malignant.”

  “What?” I gasped and pulled away from him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “She only told me this week, and I wanted to tell you in person. That’s why Lexie’s here, too.” His voice was quiet and strained. I felt a hard fist tightening around my throat and I hugged him tightly.

  “I’m so, so sorry, my love,” I whispered.

  He kept his arm around me as we waded through the darkness to the house, but at the door, we drew apart. We kept a wide distance between us as we took off our coats and went inside.

  Everyone was having tea in the living room. Aunt Paloma and I had hardly exchanged a word all evening, and though I desperately wanted to say something now, I didn’t know what, and I was worried that she wouldn’t want to listen. She’d always been so warmly maternal toward Seth and me, as though she fully understood how hard it was not to have a mother, even at our age. To have her withdraw that warmth had been almost more than I could bear.

  I was standing awkwardly off to the side of the couch, feeling miserable, when Aunt Paloma caught sight of me. She smiled at me in a worried sort of way, reminding me so much of Jaden that I felt tears sting my eyes.

  “How are you, my dear?” she asked softly.

  I swallowed. “Fine.” I looked at her carefully. “How are you? I heard about the...the...” I trailed off.

  She hurried over and rubbed my upper arms with her hands.

  “I realize this must bring back terrible memories for you, but I will be all right, I promise you.”

  I nodded, noting with mild surprise that I was shaking. I saw Jaden out of the corner of my eye; he looked as though he wanted to rush over to me, but neither of us wanted to upset his mother.

  “I’m going to make more tea,” Aunt Paloma said. She smiled at me before heading for the kitchen, and I did my best to smile back.

  * * *

  Jaden was back the following weekend. We went to the hayloft for privacy, and I huddled next to him for warmth.

  “How’s your mom?” I asked quietly. “And your sister?”

  “Lexie’s gone home. My mother doesn’t want to discuss her illness much, but she does keep telling me to go to confession.” His tone indicated what he thought of that idea.

  “Why don’t you go, my love?” I asked him gently. “Anything to make her feel better.”

  Jaden shook his head vehemently. “Confessing our relationship to a priest is tantamount to admitting we’re doing something wrong.”

  “Aren’t we?” I asked. It was almost a whisper.

  He glanced at me sharply.

  “We’re upsetting everyone in our family, your mom barely talks to you and can’t stand to look at me, and she’s sick. We shouldn’t be upsetting her. That does feel wrong.” My shoulders slumped.

  Jaden slipped his hand inside my jacket and placed it on my chest, over my heart. His wolf-like eyes held mine, hypnotizing.

  “What do you feel, right here?” he asked quietly.

  What did I feel? The warmth spreading from his touch. The electricity that was part and parcel of his proximity. And the steady beat of a heart that simply knew, without questioning.

  “I feel love,” I said simply.

  “Exactly. How can that be wrong?”

  * * *

  “Guess who called yesterday?” Seth asked me the next morning.

  I was yawning as I swept hay from the cement aisle. We had just finished feeding, and I wasn’t awake enough for guessing games.

  “I have no idea.”

  “Olivia.” He paused as my head snapped up. “She thinks she’s found him.” He watched me with a mix of nervousness and excitement, his pale cheeks flushed pink.

  My eyes went so wide that my eyeballs felt cold. “Seth.” I didn’t know what to say.

  He moved closer to me. “We can finally know, Sis.”

  “Yeah, but...” I trailed off. I leaned against a stall, the broom forgotten. Seth shoved his hands into his pockets and watched me think.

  Being part of the Foster family had always felt to me like wearing clothes that were a size too small and
not quite my style. Would it be different with a family to whom I was actually related? Maybe I’d finally find a place where I belonged, with no apologies necessary.

  I shook my head. Whether the Fosters fit the way I wished or not, they had one big advantage over my so-called ‘natural’ family — they’d been there. I looked up to find fierce hope on Seth’s face.

  “What makes you think he’ll even care?” I felt callous for even saying it.

  He gave me a searching look. “T, has it occurred to you that he might not even know about us?”

  I stared at him in shock. No, it hadn’t.

  “It’s possible,” Seth went on. He was animated with suppressed excitement. “Jan says he left the country long before we were born.”

  I slid down to the floor and lashed my arms around my knees. After a minute my brother sat next to me.

  “I have to know,” he said quietly.

  I nodded. I understood his desire perfectly; I felt its echo inside my own chest.

  “But what about Dec?” I whispered.

  “I don’t know.”

  I think we did know, though. If we tried to find our natural father, Dec would go ballistic.

  We waited until Dec was busy in the barn. It was Sunday and the place was swarming with students and boarders, so Dec likely wouldn’t be in the house all afternoon. We went to Seth’s room with the portable phone. He had gotten a cell phone over Christmas but it seemed our father was living in Detroit, and Seth didn’t want the long distance charges on his mobile bill.

  “Detroit,” he said for the tenth time, taking the wrinkled paper out of his pocket and smoothing it on his desk. “It’s not even that far. We could have crossed paths and not even known it.” It was a thought we’d both had many, many times during our lives.

  I sat on the bed. “Who’s gonna call?” I asked, then cleared my throat. My voice had gone funny.

  Seth held the phone out to me. “You should do it. You know how I freeze up when I get nervous.”

  I waited for a beat before slowly taking the phone. He perched tensely next to me and held up the paper so I could see the information. There wasn’t much, only three lines written in Seth’s surprisingly neat handwriting. A name, “Detroit”, and the telephone number.

  I started pushing the numbers with a shaking hand but only got as far as the area code before I hit the ‘end’ button. I looked at Seth.

  “What do I say?”

  He stared at me, looking as flummoxed as I felt.

  “Well, there’s no point in beating around the bush, is there?” he said finally. “Why don’t you just say who you are and that you’re looking for your father?”

  I nodded and took a deep breath. I stared at the phone in my hand. Then I gave myself a shake, dialed the number, and listened for the ring.

  Seven

  A harried-sounding woman answered. “Yes?”

  I tried to speak. No sound came out, so I cleared my throat and tried again. “Is Alfonso López there, please?”

  “Al, it’s for you!” She yelled into the distance. It sounded like there were a lot of people there.

  I looked into Seth’s eyes while I waited. My mother’s eyes. I hoped she would understand why we were doing this.

  “Yeah?” A gruff, deep baritone spoke into the phone.

  “Um, hi, you don’t know me but my name’s Téa. Téa Everson.” I paused.

  “Yeah, and?”

  “Well, I was wondering whether you might have known my mother, Elina Everson?”

  “Nope, can’t help you.” It sounded like he was about to hang up.

  “Wait! It’s just — see, I’m looking for my father, and his name’s Alfonso López.”

  Silence on the phone, although I could hear the sound of kids yelling in the background. Kids. He had a family. I felt my stomach drop.

  “Look, kid, López is a real common name. I got five kids of my own here, and I don’t know your mama.”

  I was thinking of a response to that when I heard a click.

  “Hello?” Dec’s voice was on the line.

  My body turned to ice. “I-I-I’m on the phone,” I choked out. “Thank you, Mr... sir, I have to go.” I stared at Seth, shaking and wide-eyed until I heard the telltale click of the line disconnecting.

  A minute later Dec’s voice rang up the stairs. “Why aren’t you in the barn? You have students waiting!”

  “Coming!” I yelled. I jumped off the bed, but Seth grabbed my arm.

  “Wait, what happened? What did he say?”

  I shook my head, feeling for some weird reason like I might cry. “Nothing. It wasn’t him. C’mon, we’d better go.”

  Seth’s face crumpled, but he got up and shuffled after me to the barn.

  “You need to put a stronger bit on that horse!” Dec boomed across the arena a week later. He’d come in just in time to see me thrown onto Hades’ neck. “And yank his back teeth out the next time he tries that. He’ll stop in a hurry.”

  “I don’t think a stronger bit’s the answer, Dec. Remember the elevator?” There was no point in me simply trying to overpower Hades; it was a contest I could never win.

  “Well, letting him get away with it certainly isn’t doing any good,” he snapped.

  There were a couple of boarders riding in the arena too, but they kept their eyes away from us. No one wanted to cross Dec when he was in a mood. I gritted my teeth. I knew I couldn’t argue with Dec in front of the boarders; he wouldn’t countenance it, which left my unspoken rebuttals popping like blisters in my mouth. My anger had to go somewhere, though, and within minutes Hades was doing a fast, unbalanced canter around the ring, throwing his head up and careening dangerously close to the other horses. I pulled up in frustration and forced myself to take a few deep breaths. When I felt calmer I patted his neck, the brown hairs almost black with sweat, and walked him on a loose rein. Dec had left, to my relief.

  “Sorry, buddy, that was my fault,” I murmured to Hades. “We’ll figure this out.”

  I’d already had the equine dentist check Hades’ mouth to make sure he wasn’t in pain. Sometimes young horses have problems with ‘wolf teeth’ — vestigial premolars, an evolutionary relic. They can get loose, or remain beneath the gums, unseen but problematic when a horse is wearing a bit. But Hades didn’t seem to be suffering from any buccal ailments. That night I went online to do some research, called Hades’ owners to get the okay to buy something, and went to bed much happier. I didn’t know if it would work, but at least I had a plan.

  My experiment arrived a week later. I sat on the living room floor and tore open the package in anticipation.

  “What’s this?” Dec asked suspiciously.

  “A new bridle for Hades,” I explained. “I’ve tried four bits on him, everything from a rubber Happy Mouth to a jointed Pelham, and none of them worked. Maybe he just doesn’t like bits, so I’m going to try a bitless bridle.”

  “Oh, for pity’s sake, Téa!” Dec exclaimed. I suspected only his strong will prevented him from rolling his eyes. “You can’t go trying every new gadget that comes along. There’s a reason horses have been wearing bits for millennia. And you can barely stop that crazy bugger as it is — now you’ll have no brakes at all!”

  “Maybe I’ll have better brakes, if he likes it,” I pointed out.

  I had known that Dec wouldn’t be thrilled by my purchase, but his reaction was worse than I’d hoped. I began crumpling up bits of littered paper to avoid looking at him.

  “How much did that thing cost, anyway?” His voice was loud.

  I looked up. “Monica and Neil paid for it.”

  His eyes narrowed, but he gave a curt nod before stalking to his office. I sighed, my excitement over the new bridle decidedly dampened by our exchange.

  Given Dec’s reaction, I waited until he went out before trying the Dr. Cook bridle. In fact, I waited for a rare moment when it was just Seth and me in the barn before fitting the new bridle on Hades and leading him out. I told my
self I was doing it this way to be safe, in case Hades was uncontrollable, and it was just coincidence that I’d also be saved from looking like a total idiot should things backfire.

  Seth stood in the middle of the arena, warming his hands under his armpits as I led Hades around from the ground. I halted Hades at intervals so he could get the feel of the new bridle. He shoved me forcefully with his big head several times, but that was just his usual impatience. He didn’t appear to notice the new tack at all, so I mounted and tried some exercises. Walk, halt, walk, circle, halt. Hades seemed to understand me just fine and still hadn’t given any indication that something was different. I kept riding, getting used to the different ‘feel’ of contact with a nose instead of a mouth, and it was all so uneventful that I turned to Seth.

  “What do you think? Should I try a jump?”

  He shrugged and got up off the vertical he’d been sitting on. It was about two and a half feet high, tiny for Hades, and we approached it at an easy trot. He popped over, and it wasn’t until I was leaning forward to stroke his wide neck that it hit me. This was the first time I’d touched Hades’ neck today. My hands hadn’t been forcefully yanked onto it at all. I felt a smile split my face. Maybe Hades had simply been distracted by his new gear, but maybe — just maybe — we had a solution.

  The next time I rode Hades in the bitless bridle he seemed to remember he wasn’t playing his favored role of untamed mustang. He lunged his neck down a few times, but I didn’t feel his usual angry frustration. I let the reins slide through my fingers each time, trying to give him a sense of freedom, and by the end of our ride, he was more relaxed than he’d ever been.

  * * *

  I hung out at Jaden’s that evening, and his friends Chris and Ryan came over. Chris wandered over to help Jaden with the music selection while I watched Ryan put nachos in the oven. He was in a great mood because his artwork had just been selected for a feature in a super-trendy design magazine.

  “We’re going out to celebrate this weekend,” he enthused. “You should totally come with us!” His copper eyes were alight with happiness.