Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  “Hi,” he said quietly when he reached me. His eyes were bright, the corners of his mouth were twitching, and I suspected he knew exactly how much self-control I was exerting.

  “Hi, yourself.” I was smiling widely.

  “Did you tell him yet?” I jumped at the sound of Seth’s voice behind me. We were standing just outside the barn’s main door.

  I shook my head. “He just got here.” Jaden looked at me curiously.

  “Wait’ll you hear this,” Seth told him.

  The arena’s viewing lounge and the tackroom were both populated, and Dec was in the house, so we ended up lounging on bales of hay in the feedroom, closing the door for privacy.

  “Dec’s girlfriend came to visit today,” Seth announced, “with her daughter.”

  “Is that so?” Jaden turned his body toward me and took my hand.

  “Did you know?” I asked quietly.

  “Of course not, I would have told you.” He squeezed my fingers. “It’s not a shock, though. Dec had his share of girlfriends before your mother. He was even engaged once.”

  “What?!” Seth and I exclaimed together. This was news to us.

  “It’s true. They called it off before the wedding, but it was serious. They were even discussing how many children they wanted since Dec always did want kids.”

  Seth and I shared a look of disbelief. After a minute I had a horrifying thought.

  “What if he still does? I mean, he’s not that old, only forty-three.” Three years older than my mother would have been.

  I saw my horror mirrored on Seth’s face. “You mean, he might want a... to have a... baby?”

  “Easy, now,” Jaden said soothingly. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. “It’s a big leap to that conclusion. The relationship might not even be serious.”

  I gazed at him, wanting to believe it.

  “What are they like?” Jaden asked.

  Seth grinned. “Mrs. and Ms. Beige? Hang on to your hat, I’m not sure you can handle the excitement.”

  “‘Mrs. Beige’?” Jaden repeated, amused.

  I smiled at him. “Julia coined it, ’cause we bet she lives in a beige little house in a nice beige neighborhood and that all her walls are painted a soothing neutral shade of beige.”

  Jaden considered me. “I can see why you might take issue with her since you’re the veritable antithesis of beige.”

  I frowned. “I don’t know if I ‘take issue’ with her exactly... I was just surprised, you know? We didn’t even know Dec was dating.” But when I thought about it, maybe it was inevitable. Dec had been with my mother for five years, and she’d been gone almost that long now.

  Jaden nodded his understanding. We heard voices in the aisle and got up to leave, ending our discussion.

  I couldn’t fall asleep that night, so I went into the kitchen to scrounge a snack. I found some Fudgee-O cookies, grabbed the whole bag, and headed for Seth’s room. He answered at the first quiet knock, so I knew he hadn’t been sleeping either. I threw myself onto his bed and scooted backward until my back rested against the cool wall. Seth sat up. I pulled out a cookie and handed him the bag.

  “Are we worried about this girlfriend situation?” I asked him as I chewed.

  He considered. “Too soon to tell.” He glanced at me. “What do you think of Dana?”

  I shrugged dismissively. “I don’t think anything. She’s just a kid.”

  “So? You were a kid like ten seconds ago.”

  I looked at him askance. “And you were...”

  “I’m emotionally mature.”

  I tried to punch his shoulder, but he twisted out of the way easily and I fell against him, grinning.

  “Haha, you missed,” he taunted.

  “Yeah, you’re real mature.”

  “Seriously, though,” he said as we sat up. “What if Dec ends up marrying this woman? Dana would be like our sister.”

  “Ugh.” I couldn’t imagine her fitting in at the barn. She was scared of dogs and knew nothing about horses — did that mean she wouldn’t have to share in the chores we all did? How would her mother feel about her becoming a hardworking little barn rat? My thoughts went in circles, slowly homing in on the real cause of my unease. If Dec had a new family, how much would he still care about us?

  The look on Seth’s face let me know he’d gotten there before me.

  “We could just ask him straight out,” I suggested.

  “Be my guest.”

  “I’d rather have another cookie.”

  “Uh-huh.” He grinned and followed my example.

  * * *

  A week later Seth barged into my room, looking jittery. I was at my desk, studying late, but the feverish look on his face made me stand up in concern.

  “I found it.” His voice crackled with suppressed excitement.

  It took a minute for his meaning to sink in. I felt my face go slack. Seth started pacing, his long stride carrying him too quickly from one end of my room to the other.

  “I started thinking about it, about where you’d store something in this place. Something you weren’t going to use much.”

  He saw it in my face the instant realization hit.

  “The shed!” I exclaimed. In the shed, there was a small loft-like space above the part that was used as a garage. We rarely went up there because the ladder leading up to it was old and rickety.

  “Where is it?” I whispered.

  “In my room.”

  I dashed into his room and saw it sitting in the middle of his bed. The flowered stationery box. And, lying next to it, an unfolded piece of blue paper.

  “Seth...” I turned to him.

  He seized my shoulders. “I’m calling him, Sis. Tonight.”

  I shook my head to clear it; too many thoughts, objections, and hopes were vying for attention at the same time. I settled for something practical.

  “Where is he?” I asked.

  “Spain.”

  “Well, it’s probably about four in the morning there. That may not be the best time for your first conversation.” I was trying to be offhand about it, but my pulse was racing. I sank down onto the bed. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked.

  I didn’t look at Seth’s face, afraid to see the earnest hope I knew I’d find there. My brother was so good, so kind — unlike me — that he had a hard time imagining malice in others. But I harbored growing fears of what we’d discover not only about our natural family but also our adoptive one if we decided to pursue this.

  He dropped abruptly onto the bed next to me.

  “I know it’s stupid, but sometimes I feel like... I miss him. I miss someone I’ve never even known.” He made a self-deprecating sound.

  I looked him full in the face then. “But you and Dec have always gotten along.” So much better than Dec and me, I thought with a twinge. I’d always secretly felt that Seth had more of a father than I did.

  His entire body sagged. “I’ll only end up being a disappointment to Dec. I mean really, an engineer, me? I’m barely passing math.”

  “You’re the best person I know,” I said fiercely. “No matter what you do for a living.”

  “But do you think he’ll see it that way?” he asked quietly.

  I looked away. “Let’s just take a few days to think about it, Moo. Please?”

  * * *

  Before I’d made up my mind about calling, Seth made another announcement. “Did you hear? We’re getting another visit from Mrs. Beige and the Beige Spawn.”

  It was the same routine; lunch on Saturday. This time Joanne was wearing a dark green polo shirt tucked into her high-waisted jeans, which were in turn tucked into brand-new cowboy boots. Cowboy boots — I guess my comment about the ‘ranch’ had fallen on deaf ears. Dana was wearing an unflattering loose long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Not cool ones, either, more like the kind old ladies wear to go speed-walking.

  I hazarded a glance at Seth. He was obviously trying to hide his amusement.
It wasn’t that we were snobs, I told myself. I mean, I spent most of my time in the barn, rumpled and dirty. I just couldn’t for the life of me understand what had attracted Dec to this woman. Not that he was a fashion icon or overly concerned with looks, but my mother had been beautiful and stylish. Joanne and Dana were so average they were practically invisible.

  Dana surprised us by speaking up during lunch. “We wanted to come last weekend but we couldn’t because I had to go to my dad’s house.” She gave a long-suffering sigh.

  “Dana, you know how much your dad looks forward to your visits,” Joanne reminded her gently. “And he just passed up that big promotion so he could stay close by. Think how disappointed he’d be if you missed one of your weekends.”

  Imagine being disappointed at missing Dana, I thought to myself, smirking. Seth and I made stilted conversation and fled to the barn as soon as we could, but the Beiges stayed all afternoon. Every time I turned around I seemed to be bumping into Joanne, but I couldn’t complain because Dana had attached herself to Seth like a barnacle.

  It was November, but we’d had a warm front moving in, so I’d taken my jacket off while riding outside. I had just run to the ring to retrieve it when Dec stepped out of the barn with Joanne and Dana.

  “Bye-bye, Téa, we have to go now,” Joanne said.

  “Bye,” I said cheerfully. Dana looked at me but didn’t say anything.

  Dec walked them over to their car — ironically, a beige sedan. The Beigemobile, I thought to myself. Dana plopped herself into the passenger seat while Dec went around to Joanne’s side with her. Before she got in he put his hands on her arms, bent his head, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. I blinked. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but my stomach was going into freefall. I spun and strode quickly back into the barn. A few people in the aisle looked over; I kept my eyes down and hurried to the feedroom. I shut the door and leaned against it, breathing hard and trying to get a handle on my flailing feelings. So what if Dec kissed his girlfriend, I tried to reason with myself. He’s a grown man, it’s not a crime. Okay, so I’d never seen him kiss anyone other than my mother... at the thought of my mother, my stomach clenched so hard I doubled over and held my middle. After a minute I forced myself to straighten up. I went to find my friends. They were cleaning tack and chatting, the radio playing in the background.

  I marched up to Julia. “I take it back.”

  “What?”

  “What I said about not hating the Beiges.”

  Teri came and looped her arm through mine. “What happened?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Nothing. Nothing will ever happen with them, to them, or around them. They’re terminally boring.”

  “And you hate them because...” she prompted.

  “For starters, Dana was following Seth around like a lost puppy today. It’s annoying enough when people are subtle about it, but she’s so clueless she makes it obvious. Although I suppose it would take the pressure off me if Seth dated Dec’s girlfriend’s daughter.” I grinned at the craziness of it, although Teri and Julia apparently didn’t share my dark glee. I ranted on. “And even though she’s totally lame her mom treats her like she’s the center of the universe. The kid actually complains about seeing her dad on weekends, and Dec’s acting like he’s got multiple personality disorder around her.”

  Teri pulled me over to the benches edging the room, and we sat down. “That would drive me nuts too,” she said.

  “What, the Beige Spawn?” Seth strolled in, grinning. “She’s not so bad. For a pet.”

  Lisa followed Seth, staggering under an armful of tack and brushes, so we changed the subject. My stomach was still roiling.

  I was antsy all evening. Dec spent most of it holed up in his office, which wasn’t unusual, but when I went downstairs to make some hot chocolate before bed I found him in the kitchen.

  “Joanne was happy to spend some time with you today,” he said.

  I didn’t know what to say since I didn’t reciprocate the feeling. I put a cup of milk in the microwave and leaned against the cupboards while it warmed. I ran my fingernail along a scratch in the counter.

  “Do you love her?” I blurted.

  He didn’t answer right away, but I kept my eyes down. “I’m starting to, yes.”

  “Do you love Dana?”

  I felt him move closer. “I’m fond of Dana.” His large, square hands covered my shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze. “But she’s not my daughter, and she never will be. She already has a father.”

  I looked at him then. He gave a small half-smile, his eyes softer than I’d ever seen them. I made my hot chocolate and brought it upstairs, where it sat on my desk and got cold.

  I was still upset the next day when Jaden arrived. I knew he could tell, but the barn was busy on Sundays.

  “Is it warm enough for a trail ride?” he asked.

  I nodded gratefully.

  As soon as we were safely out of sight of the barn he rode Kermit next to Cal and took my hand. We headed for our hidden copse; although it was more open now that most of the leaves were on the ground, it was still hidden from the main trail. Our horses’ hooves rustled through the carpeting of yellow and orange leaves on the narrow path into the small field.

  Cal was too green for me to risk tying him up, so after dismounting I looped his reins over my arm. I pulled off my helmet before looking into Jaden’s eyes. They were infinitely warm.

  “Tell me,” he said simply.

  I took a breath, wondering where to start. “It’s not that I don’t want Dec to be happy, but the Beiges... every time I see them all I can think is how ordinary they are, and that they don’t know how to dress. I feel so small and petty,” I admitted.

  Jaden wrapped his arms all the way around me so that I was cocooned tightly against his body.

  “Well, you are quite small. But I’ve never known you to be petty.” His voice was gentle, but I kept my face hidden against his jacket, ashamed of the base feelings I’d confessed to. “Maybe it’s easier for you to focus on their clothes than on what’s really troubling you.”

  “Such as?”

  “Such as accepting that Dec’s moving past the loss of your mother. That may be difficult, especially if he’s chosen someone that you consider less than outstanding.”

  I could tell, from the way my throat closed up and my eyes stung, that Jaden had touched on the truth. Why would Dec risk our family stability, imperfect though it was, for this completely ordinary woman and her lackluster child? How could he insult my mother’s memory that way? I pressed myself more tightly against Jaden, focusing on the steady thud of his heart to calm myself.

  “It’s completely normal for you to feel like this, querida,” he murmured. “I never liked it when my parents dated, either.”

  I pulled back to look at him then. “Your parents have dated?”

  He smiled. “Of course. They’ve been divorced for over ten years, remember. My father dated quite a lot, especially in the beginning, but my mother’s had one or two ‘gentleman friends’, as she calls them.”

  I had to pause to untangle myself from the reins. Kermit was grazing quietly but Cal kept trying to play with him. I heaved a tired sigh and pulled Cal closer again.

  “Is there more?” Jaden asked quietly.

  I hesitated. “We found the right man, the... our father. But we haven’t contacted him yet.” I shook my head slowly, as though I could sift my thoughts into making some kind of sense. “I don’t know. I always thought I’d be the one more anxious to find our real father, but now that the time’s come I’m unsure, and Seth’s like a dog with a bone.”

  He ran his fingers slowly through my hair. “Have you considered that Seth might feel safer in pursuing it?” he suggested. Jaden was as astute as ever. I sagged against him as the truth left me limp.

  “You’re right,” I admitted after a minute. “Seth has always had the better relationship with Dec. I always got in more trouble”

  “Are you sure you don�
�t mean you caused more trouble?” He smiled.

  I straightened up. “Well, maybe I did. Seth’s easier to get along with than me, no doubt. But I always got the feeling that Dec just liked him better... that’s not easy, especially when you’re twins.”

  “Maybe it’s because Seth’s a boy. Dec probably felt more comfortable with him,” he said.

  “Or maybe it’s because Seth can pass for Dec’s son. His real son,” I said quietly. Not like me; my scrawny build and dark coloring were nothing like Dec’s bulk and fair skin. Not to mention the fact that Seth looked like my mother, who Dec had loved, whereas I looked like the mystery man who had abandoned her.

  Jaden slid his arms around my waist, pulling me close again. “Well I, for one, am very glad that you don’t resemble Dec,” he murmured.

  And he kissed me until I’d forgotten there was anything to be upset about.

  Fifteen

  “It might not come to anything,” I pointed out to Seth.

  That was the idea that spurred us to contact our natural father without telling anyone. That way, if he blew us off, no one would be the wiser and no feathers would be ruffled. We timed it carefully so that we were alone in the house. Seth made the call, his big hands shaking, but after a minute he handed the phone over.

  “She doesn’t speak English,” he whispered.

  “Hola,” I said hesitantly. And in Spanish, I asked to speak to Alfonso Arroyo-López — my father.

  It was such an anti-climax. After the months of building anticipation and trepidation, he wasn’t home. I left a message with Seth’s cell phone number, hoping that Alfonso could speak English.

  “I wonder if he’ll call back,” Seth said wistfully.

  And I wondered whether I wanted him to.

  Seth stumbled into my room at 6:45 the next morning. His hair looked like a hedgehog and he was half-asleep, but he was holding the phone to his ear. “It’s him,” he mouthed.