Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  I shot out of bed and stood next to him, anxiously listening to one side of the conversation. Seth talked a bit about us — places we had lived, Mom marrying Dec and moving to the farm, the work we did with the horses.

  He looked at me. “Téa? She’s the best sister ever.” A pause. “Okay, I’ll tell her.” Seth scrawled an email address on a corner of the notebook on my desk and gave his own in return. Then he hung up.

  “Well?” I said.

  He sagged onto the bed and put a hand to his chest. “Wow. My heart’s trying to gallop out of my chest.”

  I sat next to him and patted his arm. “Take a few deep breaths.” He did, then gazed me, wide-eyed. “He called back.”

  “I noticed.”

  “He speaks English really well — said he went to school in England for a while. He said he’s thought of us often over the years.” He turned to face me fully. “Did you know that your name is Spanish?”

  I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Could the clue to my ancestry have been so obvious that I’d been hearing it every day?

  “No,” I whispered. “I wonder if Mom did that on purpose.”

  Seth was looking like he could hardly contain himself. “That’s not all. Alfonso thinks it was destiny that we called when we did because he’s coming to Canada on business soon. For the first time in nineteen years.” His face was filled with wonder, but the emotion that filled me was far different.

  “He’s coming here,” I murmured, shocked.

  “Well, not exactly. He’s going to Montreal, but compared to Spain that’s pretty close.”

  I stared at my brother. “And you want to meet him.”

  He frowned at me. “Of course I want to meet him! Don’t you?”

  I digressed a little. “There’s no way we can get to Montreal,” I said. We couldn’t leave the barn at the same time, even if we could manufacture a plausible excuse. “He’ll have to come closer. Toronto, maybe.”

  Seth was frowning. “I vote we tell Dec. That way we won’t have to sneak around.”

  “What is with you lately,” I burst out. “I’m the one who’s supposed to push his buttons and duck. You’re the one who’s supposed to crack a joke and make us all laugh about it. You’ve gotta stop this, it’s confusing me.”

  Seth gave me a measured look. “Maybe I’m finally growing a spine.”

  The look I returned to him was soft. “You’ve never been without one, Seth.” I hesitated. “Just because you’re not like Dec doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man.”

  He made a face. “I don’t think Julia would agree with you.”

  I felt an unexpected flare of anger toward my friend. “What do you mean?” I demanded.

  “She thinks I should be buying my own laptop, for one.”

  “Okay, well that’s just-” I spluttered with incoherent arguments.

  Seth grinned suddenly. “Don’t give yourself a brain hemorrhage, T. It’s all good.”

  I ended up agreeing with his plan. It was against my better judgment, but then I didn’t have much of a track record when it came to good decisions. Seth brought it up over dinner the next day when it was just the three of us. I nearly choked on my mouthful of potatoes when he spoke.

  “Dec, I wanted to talk to you about getting in touch with our... our relatives,” Seth said.

  “You mean your aunt?” Dec frowned. “She’s the only one you’ve got left, isn’t she?” Apart from the occasional card, we hardly had any contact with our mother’s sister in Sweden.

  Seth shook his head slowly. “Not her. Our-” He hesitated. “Our natural father.”

  I was proud of the fact that Seth looked Dec in the eye while he spoke, but it also meant I got to see him wince at Dec’s expression.

  “Excuse me?” Dec’s voice was dangerously quiet.

  Seth swallowed audibly. “He... I talked to him. He wants to see us.”

  Dec shot to his feet, his chair clattering behind him.

  “That bastard left you!” he thundered. “He left when your mother needed him most. And now he comes waltzing back and expects you to welcome him? He doesn’t deserve to know you. He made his choice!” His face was red, his nostrils flaring with anger.

  “But we didn’t get to make ours, Dec,” I spoke up quietly. “We never had the choice of knowing our father.” I saw him flinch at the word, and I felt a stab of guilt.

  He slammed one hand on the table, making us jump, and stomped out. We heard the front door slam.

  I turned to Seth, on the edge of tears, and was surprised to find him impassive.

  “I’m still doing it,” he said defiantly.

  I didn’t say anything, just got up and started clearing away the remains of dinner. After a minute Seth got up to help. I put plastic wrap over Dec’s plate, hoping he’d be back to finish it later, and that he’d calm down quickly and not further elevate his blood pressure.

  In typical fashion, the next morning Dec acted like nothing had happened. We played along since Alfonso wouldn’t be in the country for a couple of weeks anyway, and at this point, sneaking seemed like quite a good option.

  I found Seth as soon as he got home from school. “I think we should drop it for now,” I said.

  “What? You can’t be serious, Sis!”

  “Not completely,” I said, placating. “We can still get to know him by phone or email. There’s no need to meet face-to-face right now.”

  Seth gave me an incredulous look. “He lives in Spain. When are we ever going to get the chance again?”

  I hated arguing with Seth, so I let it drop. And in any case, he had a point. Did I really want to pass up this once-in-a-lifetime chance? We turned to our friends, although most of our conversations were virtual. We were all so busy at different schools that we’d hardly seen each other, but that weekend Julia and Teri both made a point of appearing. We all talked to Kabir on Skype, who rubbed in the great weather he was enjoying in California. I headed out to the barn with the girls while Seth finished up with Kabir.

  “Why are you fighting with Seth about meeting your father?” Julia asked as soon as we’d stepped outside. “He doesn’t want to do this alone. And anyway, aren’t you even curious?” Her grey eyes, startling amidst her exquisite half-Japanese features, were accusing.

  I stared at her. Curious? Curious was the biggest wave in the surf of emotions crashing through me, but I wanted to think carefully about this. For once in my life, I didn’t want to hurt others with my impetuousness.

  “It’s easier for Seth,” Teri protested. She looped her arm through mine as we walked. “Téa’s already on thin ice because she’s with Jaden. She has to be extra sensitive to how she treats her family.”

  I threw her a grateful look. I’d never explained my feelings to Teri, but it was just like her to understand.

  “Okay, I get that, but this is something you have a right to know,” Julia insisted.

  I tried to explain. “It’s one thing to have a right to do something, but it’s another to know your family would hate you for doing it. I’m the one who’s going to have to live with the look on Dec’s face every day, and the looks from my aunts and uncles. They’re the only family I’ve got. I don’t want them to feel like I don’t appreciate them.”

  “That’s the whole point, Téa,” Julia said quietly, “they’re not the only family you’ve got.”

  “Okay, but there’s more.” I told them, feeling cold as I did so, how Dec had held a grudge against Robin all these years because of her disloyalty. Surely this was the ultimate disloyalty; Dec had raised us and supported us for half our lives, and we’d been fully accepted into his family. For us to want to know our natural father felt — even to me — like a sort of betrayal.

  “What does Jaden think of all this?” Teri asked.

  “Jaden’s all for it.” I hesitated, and my friends both looked at me curiously. “I think Jaden’s motivation goes beyond just making me happy,” I admitted. “If I find my biological father, Jad
en’s mom would have to face the fact that Jaden and I aren’t cousins... it would make it more ‘real’ for her, you know?”

  Teri and Julia both nodded.

  “I understand you worrying about Dec, but will you help Seth set up a meeting with your father?” Julia asked.

  I nodded, although in truth before the moment came I had hoped to be better, to have made my mark on the world in some way. It’s every forsaken child’s dream, after all — to be like Justin Bieber and get so huge that the abandoning parent falls to his knees (it’s almost always the father, after all), and exclaims, “What have I done? How could I not have seen how incredibly special my child is?” Because if you’re good, if you’re really good and successful and special, then how can your parent not want you, not be proud to call you his own? But I hadn’t done anything special yet, and it seemed that my time was up.

  Teri went home after riding, citing homework. To my surprise Seth made the same excuse, leaving Julia and me to clean tack by ourselves. Julia’s smoky eyes followed him wistfully to the door.

  “Is everything okay, Jules?”

  She went to get some water at the sink. “I don’t know,” she said quietly, her back to me.

  “Seth has a lot on his mind right now,” I said, hoping it would sound comforting and not accusing.

  “I know. And that’s part of it — it drives me crazy that he won’t stand up for himself. Not just with Dec, with anyone. I know this sounds weird, but he won’t fight. Every time we have a disagreement he just gets all passive,” Julia vented.

  “Seth’s not confrontational. You can’t blame him for that, it’s a survival strategy at our house.”

  Julia gave a sympathetic nod and came to sit by me.

  “Seth told me some things... why didn’t you ever tell me how bad things were with Dec?” she asked quietly.

  I shrugged uncomfortably. “They weren’t so bad.”

  “Oh yeah, ’cause getting hit with a belt is normal,” she said sarcastically. “Seriously, Téa, you’re one of my closest friends — I can’t believe you never told me. You could have gotten help.”

  “Help?” I said impatiently. “You mean like ‘call the social workers’ kind of help? What good would that have done?”

  She stared at me in disbelief.

  “Look, Jules, we didn’t have much to complain about. It’s not like we were growing up in a refugee camp or something. So Dec hit us sometimes... he’s not an alcoholic. He never touched us in gross ways he shouldn’t. Those are real problems. My mom may have found parenting a challenge, but she loved us. And Dec was there for us, in his own way, so there was no way in hell we were going to get him in trouble. Anyway, where would that have left us? In foster care somewhere? We have no other family, and we didn’t want to be taken away from this one.”

  That night I barged into Seth’s room.

  “Why did you tell Julia about me getting punished?” I demanded furiously. “That’s no one else’s business!”

  “That story wasn’t about you, it was about me,” Seth retorted. “But we’re twins, Téa. You’re in practically all my memories of childhood.”

  “Well, why do you have to go dredging up all that old stuff, anyway? It’s ancient history.”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “We were just talking. Jules told me some stuff about her childhood, and I told her about mine.”

  “Ours, you mean,” I corrected, still angry.

  “Hey, it’s not like you haven’t told Jaden our private business,” he said.

  “That’s different,” I protested. “Jaden understands how it is in our family. He gets it.”

  “Yeah, because he is family,” Seth pointed out. “So, what, I’m never allowed to discuss anything private with my girlfriends? Unless I start dating Stacey?”

  I flinched; it was the closest he’d ever come to rebuking me for dating our cousin. I nodded slowly.

  “You’re right.” I sat on his bed and sighed. “Do you think that’s part of it? If Dec had been a different kind of father, if we’d been closer to him... do you think we’d still be doing this?”

  His eyes met mine straight on. “Yes.”

  * * *

  We were going to the Royal that weekend, and although I was a bit disappointed at not riding there this year, I was still excited to go.

  “You’re not spending the night,” Dec said with an air of finality as we discussed our plans.

  “But Dec, I can go to Julia’s,” I began.

  “And I was going to Jaden’s,” Seth supplied.

  “Do you think I was born yesterday?” Dec demanded.

  I hated that he mistrusted us like this. “We’re not always trying to deceive you, you know.”

  He looked at me for a moment. “No, not always.”

  I considered telling the truth — that we wouldn’t have to lie to him so much if he wasn’t so unreasonable — but scrapped the idea as likely not being helpful.

  “You can always check up on us,” I muttered. “Julia has a landline.” It was embarrassing, at our age, but I knew from experience we wouldn’t win this argument.

  It was a bit strange being at the Royal Agricultural Winter Fair as spectators. Hades had just missed qualifying. Teri wasn’t a Junior anymore so couldn’t compete with her pony Picasso, and Julia was still getting used to the Amateur divisions and hadn’t shown Jasmine much that year. As usual, there was a lot to see and we spent the afternoon happily wandering from tack shops to farm animals to dog agility shows. Jaden and I walked side by side, brushing against each other frequently, but we knew we had to be careful. When we got to the enormous Horse Palace, where we knew many of the exhibitors, he kept Seth and Julia between us.

  “Hey, Téa.” Alex loped over and gave me a hug.

  “You remember Seth, Alex?”

  He nodded as they shook hands. He knew Teri and Julia also, but as I introduced Jaden I stumbled.

  “This is Jaden, my, um-”

  “Our cousin.” Seth stepped in quickly.

  Jaden’s face was carefully smooth as he shook hands with Alex, not at all his usual charming self. I smothered a sigh.

  Alex turned his attention back to me. “Too bad you’re not riding this year, it’s always more fun when I beat you.” He grinned.

  “We’ll have a showdown next year,” I promised. “I’d like to see Marty, have you seen him?”

  His face went serious. “Haven’t you heard?”

  I shook my head, suddenly alarmed.

  Alex slid an arm around me. “He had an accident at the last show. He was hurt pretty bad; he’s off for at least a year.” He spoke softly.

  I stared at him in horror. I was only peripherally aware of Jaden stepping closer, and then Seth was there, pulling me out from under Alex’s arm. Seth gave Jaden a warning look and he stopped, his hand sweeping through his hair as he fought the urge to comfort me. Teri came and put her arm around me.

  “It just goes to show you were right, Téa,” Julia said. “Those classes were too big for him.”

  “We could all see he was struggling,” Alex agreed.

  I shook my head in despair. “I wish I’d been wrong. Poor Marty, it’s so unfair.”

  The news put a damper on our outing, but we went into the Coliseum and watched the evening show. Jaden sat next to me and unobtrusively pressed his leg against mine.

  “Are you all right?” he murmured near my ear. I was seized by a sudden desire to melt against him but managed to squash it.

  “Yeah,” I said despondently. Sometimes the horse world sucked.

  It was after eleven when the show ended, and we followed the crowds streaming out into the cold mid-November night. We’d taken two cars to save on parking.

  “But he’ll never know,” I heard Julia pleading as we got to her car.

  “Yes, he will.” Seth sighed. “I’ve got to put in a video call when I get to Jaden’s.”

  Shock registered on Julia’s face. “That’s ridiculous! You’re ninetee
n, Seth — you can’t let Dec keep running your life!”

  “Dec’s already on edge about the whole ‘biological father’ thing,” I told her. “Now’s not the time for us to be pushing him.”

  Seth looked both frustrated and apologetic. He pulled Julia toward him. “Soon, sweetheart.”

  I could tell she was beginning to soften as he brushed the hair away from her face.

  “Are you enjoying nursing school?” Jaden asked Teri suddenly.

  She tore her eyes away from Seth. “Oh, yes, I guess so,” she stammered, her face darkening slightly even here, in the semi-dark parking lot. Jaden’s intense gaze tended to have that effect on people.

  “I have tremendous respect for that profession,” he went on.

  I could see Teri begin to relax.

  “C’mon, what are you standing around for?” Julia bounced up and slipped her arm through Teri’s. She looked a lot more cheerful. “Let’s go home, get a pile of junk food, and talk half the night like we used to.”

  Jaden turned to me to say goodbye, but Julia grabbed my arm and pulled me away.

  “Uh-uh, Jaden.” She grinned at him. “Apparently there’s a no-touching rule in effect tonight. You boys run along now.”

  When we got to Julia’s room I looked around. “You redecorated,” I noted. Instead of the ruffled purple I remembered, Julia’s room was now appointed in smooth dark wood and white fabrics.

  “I thought it was time for something a bit more adult.” She shrugged.

  “It looks great,” Teri said, plopping down on a beanbag chair.

  Julia’s room was about three times the size of mine, and she had her own en suite bathroom, something I’d kill for since Seth always left ours in floods. It wasn’t surprising; she was an only child and both her parents were professionals. Her dad was a doctor and I still didn’t know for sure what her mom did, other than wear a suit and drive to a downtown high-rise each day. It meant that Julia was used to getting what she wanted, which sometimes made things tough for Teri and me. It’s not that Julia was inconsiderate, but she never had to worry about curbing her spending or getting in trouble, and she was sometimes disappointed when we couldn’t participate in the things she planned for us.