Junkyard Pirate

by Jamie McFarlane

  “I kind of think stories need the tension,” AJ said, wiping blood from Darnell’s mouth. “Without misunderstandings, people would be too predictable and boring. They also wouldn’t find themselves in interesting binds.”

  “Jack, construct a short movie that explains to Darnell how we got into this situation. Interface with Beverly for details if needed. I’ll look at your first draft in fifteen minutes,” Jayne ordered.

  AJ grinned. “No please and thank you?”

  “Until Jack demonstrates we’re on the same team, I’ll remain terse,” she said. “I’ve trained a great number of interns and have always refused to coddle arrogance.”

  “BB, can your boy keep him asleep until morning?”

  Beverly appeared in front of Darnell’s pillow, leaning back so her arms held her upright. “I’ve instructed 2-F to do just that,” she said, smiling.

  “Why the smiles?” AJ asked.

  “You and Dr. Jayne make a formidable team.”

  “How long before the Korgul brass start looking in my direction for Darnell’s disappearance?”

  “If the local Korgul command had been made aware of the Fantastium devices, they would have already arrived,” Beverly said. “We will deal with the issues as they arise.”

  Instinctively, AJ reached for the shotgun wound on his left arm. He had little feeling in his shoulder so he’d been surprised as mobility was restored throughout the night. “How bad is my shoulder?”

  “I’ll have you right as rain by morning,” Beverly said. “Also, Dr. Jayne, 2-F informs me that manual manipulation of the cartilage in Darnell’s nose is required. In five hours and twenty minutes, he will have reduced the swollen tissue to a point where your help will provide significant benefit.”

  “Fortunately, I brought my field kit.” Jayne looked around. “Perhaps we should consider sleeping arrangements.”

  AJ clapped his hands together, rubbing the palms while grinning. “I was hoping we’d get to that.”

  She shook her head ruefully, although a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “Slow down there, infantry.”

  “I’ve got your back, Doc,” he called over his shoulder. “I have a full-size blowup mattress for you and I’ll take the floor. ‘Nam pretty much taught me I could sleep anywhere, especially if there aren’t any snakes.”

  AJ felt Jayne’s eyes on him as he unfolded the old air mattress on the kitchen floor. “Don’t have any more sheets, but there are a couple of spare pillows and blankets at the top of the closet.”

  Wordlessly, Jayne retrieved the items and then sat heavily on the floor, watching as he blew up the mattress. “I’m sorry I’m such a grump,” she finally said. “I’m just so tired and my life … well, no different than yours, but it’s been turned upside down.”

  “I get it, Doc,” AJ said. “It’s not all bad, though. A week ago you were looking down the big C word and retirement. Now, you’re gonna save the world.”

  “I know,” she said. “It’s a tough adjustment. You don’t have to sleep on the floor. That mattress is big enough for the two of us. Just...”

  “Don’t worry, Doc,” he interrupted. “For all my talk, I like to think of myself as a gentleman. If the two of us ever get together, it’ll be because we’re on the same page.”

  “I look like your mother and you look like you’re in your thirties,” she said, subconsciously stroking her gray hair.

  AJ waggled his eyebrows. “Remember who you’re talking to, Doc. I saw you in your prime. You were and still are a hundred ways too hot.”

  “What if Jack doesn’t feel like fixing me up like Beverly did you?” she asked.

  “Do I detect a bit of vanity?”

  “Guilty.” She smoothed a blanket out over the mattress and stretched out.

  “Roll over,” AJ said, turning off the kitchen lights.

  “Be good.”

  AJ chuckled as he draped a thin sheet over her. He lay down atop the sheet with his back to Jayne’s. “Just don’t be spreading rumors about me.”

  AJ tipped his head, dodging a pesky ray of sunshine. As he started to gain wakefulness, he became aware of several things all at once. First, he was no longer on the mattress but instead, lay on the hard kitchen floor. Second, one of Jayne’s arms was draped over the saggy edge of the blow-up mattress and rested on his back. Third, Greybeard had found him and was snoring in his face.

  “BB. How much time before Darnell’s surgery?” he asked privately, using subvocalization as he gently scrubbed behind Greybeard’s ears. The dog groaned in ecstasy, his back leg thumping in rhythm with AJ’s efforts.

  Beverly appeared, sitting sidesaddle on the dog. “Good morning, AJ,” she said. “Whenever the good doctor is awake, 2-F is ready to assist her.”

  AJ rolled over and sat up, carefully removing Jayne’s hand and setting it on the mattress. “Let her sleep for a bit,” he told Beverly silently. Gently swinging his leg over Greybeard, he straddled the dog and used the cabinet to push to a standing position, stretching muscles he’d forgotten existed. “Man, but I feel good. You’ve really done a job on me, BB.”

  “Thank you, AJ, it is the least I can do. Although I don’t understand the idiom,” she said. “I would not want to do the least. I want to do my best for you.”

  AJ chuckled as he pulled out a couple of heavy frying pans and set them on the stove. “No one said English was easy to understand.”

  “I’ve assembled a list of ingredients most useful for aiding in Dr. Jayne and Darnell’s recoveries,” Beverly said, displaying a list in AJ’s peripheral vision and highlighting the foodstuffs in the refrigerator and pantry. “With the influx of additional crew, I’ve arranged a grocery delivery for this afternoon.”

  “Crew?”

  “Darnell will not be able to return to his life. The Korgul will be confused by his disappearance, but if he were to reappear, our actions would be quickly discovered,” Beverly said. “Dr. Jayne covered this in the introduction video she instructed Jack to create.”

  AJ extracted the items Beverly had requested and created two piles. The first pile included ingredients he could easily fit into the breakfast burritos he wanted to make. The rest would be blended into a smoothie. Heating the pans, he dropped in thick slabs of bacon, which weren’t on the list.

  “Why the bacon, AJ?” Beverly asked, swinging her legs off the edge of the kitchen counter. “Darnell has considerable extra fat. It’ll require extra work to counteract.”

  “It’s gonna be a tough morning,” AJ said, not bothering to subvocalize. “Bacon will get us off to a good start.”

  “That smells heavenly,” Jayne said, rolling over on the mostly deflated air mattress. “I imagine you’re explaining to Beverly how food consumption releases endorphins.”

  “Good morning, Doc. Sleep well?”

  “Better than I expected,” Jayne said. “I don’t recall the last time I’ve slept seven uninterrupted hours. How much time before breakfast is ready?”

  “Twenty minutes, give or take,” AJ said.

  “That sounds perfect. I’ll get cleaned up and assist 2-F in Darnell’s nasal reconstruction. I don’t believe the requested manipulation will take more than a few minutes.”

  “Go for it,” AJ said. “There are clean towels in the closet.”

  He continued to cook as Jayne disappeared into the bedroom. He was just starting to wrap the bacon, egg, peppers and cheese into tortillas when he heard her pad back into the kitchen.

  “Oh, damn, you look like you just slaughtered a hog,” he said, looking at the blood on her shirt and arms.

  “He had a couple bleeders,” she said. “Nothing 2-F couldn’t deal with, though. Can you imagine, surgery without worry of infection? It’s a dream. I need more towels. His face is a mess.”

  “I can deal with that. Why don't you take another run at the whole getting cleaned up thing? There's a package of new t-shirts in the top drawer of my dresser," AJ said, turning off the stove.

  “What th
e hell is going on?” Darnell called out from the bedroom, his voice conveying confusion and anger. “AJ? How the hell’d I get here?”

  “Just a minute, Darnell. I’ll be right there,” AJ called back, scooping burritos onto a plate. When he got to the bedroom, Darnell was sitting up, looking dazed.

  “Where’d all that blood come from?” Darnell asked, glancing at discarded towels on the floor next to his bed. “And why does my nose hurt so bad?”

  AJ set the plate of burritos onto the bed beside Darnell. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Try harder,” AJ pushed.

  “I was at work. We’d called in lunch for the board,” he said. “Koreans had just explained how they were executing a hostile takeover. We were discussing how they were going to drain the pension fund and kick us to the curb if we didn’t get in line. Did I have a breakdown or something? I know it wasn’t a dream. The takeover threat has been building for a few months. And hell, I’ve got to pee like a wild Arabian racehorse.”

  “Hold on, let me help you,” AJ said as Darnell struggled to get up from the bed.

  “Why do I feel so drugged? Everything's so foggy.” Darnell was unsteady, but he managed to gain his feet.

  AJ guided his friend to the bathroom. “All in good time.”

  “Holy shit,” Darnell exclaimed, bringing his hands to his face as he passed the mirror. "What the hell happened to me?”

  Jayne appeared in the doorway. “You’re in better shape than you look, Darnell.”

  “Doc?” Darnell asked, tenderly inspecting his purple nose in the mirror. “What are you doing here? Why am I not in a hospital?”

  AJ closed the door. "Toilet first. We'll tell you everything after that."

  "Is Lisa okay?" Darnell asked. "I think I need to go to the hospital."

  “Trust me for ten minutes. If, after that, you want to go to the hospital, we'll call Lisa and I’ll drive,” AJ said.

  Darnell blinked as if seeing his friend for the first time. "Wait a second, how are you even walking?”

  “Did you ever read Alice in Wonderland?”

  Darnell quirked his head to the side.

  “Buddy, Alice was strictly amateur hour.”

  Sixteen

  Ordinarium

  Darnell brushed burrito crumbs from his chest and tested a smoothie.

  "This tastes like butt," he said, frowning at AJ. He’d just watched the video and it was obvious to everyone that things weren’t sitting well with him yet.

  "I’m a little concerned with how you know what butt tastes like." AJ raised his eyebrows. "2-F needs the material to fix up your body, man. Be a big boy and just drink it."

  Darnell sighed. "I can't believe you think I'm going to just let Lisa think I'm … well, I don't even know what she's going to think, but it won't be good. What if we go get her and read her in?"

  "You're smarter than that," AJ said. "Last count had over thirty million of these Korgul on Earth. That's one in every two hundred people."

  "We believe the Korgul will infect your wife." Beverly appeared cross-legged on the comforter next to Darnell. "They'll search her memories and if they don't find anything, they'll move on. If you attempt to contact her, they'll know."

  "She could stay with us. Right? If I've gotta be on the run, Lisa should come too." Darnell's face clouded as he spoke.

  “What about Aubri and Cody? Do you want to put them through losing both of you?” AJ asked, referencing Darnell's daughter and grandson. "Look, this might not need to be forever. When we complete the Beltigersk mission, maybe you can see her then."

  “Damn, Lisa's gonna be sick worrying about me,” Darnell said. “I can’t do that to her.”

  “Think, Darnell. You have to understand. Put yourself in a Korgul’s shoes. If they think she knows anything, they’ll use her to find you. You have to stay as far away from her as you can.”

  Darnell locked eyes with AJ in a sort of war of wills. He desperately wanted to tell AJ he was wrong, but as hard as the details were to believe, they were even harder to refute. AJ looked forty years younger and had recovered from a life-altering spinal injury in weeks. Dr. Amanda Jayne, a woman he mostly knew only by reputation, was also on board, making it just that much more plausible.

  “Okay, one test though. If Greybeard has one of these Beltigersks, have him do something a dog couldn't,” he said.

  “Like what?” AJ asked.

  “Math,” Jayne said. “Give him a problem.”

  “Like have him woof the result of two plus five?” Darnell asked.

  “Sure.”

  Greybeard yowled annoyance and barking seven times as he walked from the room, swaying his bulldog hips in irritation.

  “Where's he going?" Darnell asked.

  AJ was spared the need to answer when Greybeard reappeared a moment later with a bag of flour in his jowls. With a toss of his head, he ripped open the bag and spread flour over the floor with a toss of his head.

  “Oh, buddy,” AJ complained. “Why’d you go and do that?”

  Greybeard regarded AJ for a moment, growled, and stepped into the flour. With his left paw he drew a square root symbol with the digits 143 beneath it. To the right of that, he etched an equal sign and then the number 11.958. He sat back on his haunches. If a dog could wear spectacles, he’d be looking over the top of them in a scowl.

  “Can I have a few minutes?” Darnell asked.

  It was about an hour later when Darnell rejoined AJ and Jayne in the kitchen.

  “What’d you come up with?” AJ asked.

  “I'm in. I don’t like it, but I don't see a choice,” he said. “I’m still fuzzy on what happened to my nose, though.”

  “I punched it. In my defense, though, you’d just shot me with a shotgun,” AJ said, pulling the neck of his shirt down to expose his mostly healed shoulder.

  “You punched me?” Darnell asked, his voice rising.

  “Did you miss the shotgun part?” AJ asked. “You'd gone all Stepford Wives. I was lucky I made it out of there alive. Ask Beverly. Maybe she can give you a replay. For the record, I kicked your ass, even though you had a shotgun.”

  "That's bullshit," Darnell said. "I'm seventy-five years old and you're, what? Thirty-five? If that damn egg-yolk alien wasn't in there screwing up my synapses, I'd have put you down."

  AJ shook his head and grinned. "Not on your best day."

  Darnell suddenly wrapped his arms around AJ. "Thanks for coming for me, buddy. I'd hate to have been a zombie for the rest of my life."

  AJ patted his friend's back. "Sorry about Lisa. I know this is gonna be tough for her."

  "We’ll need a place for you to lie low, Darnell," Jayne said. "Lisa will know that AJ was most likely the last person who talked to Darnell. The police will come here to talk to him."

  The two men exchanged a look which Jayne didn't miss.

  "What?" she asked.

  "Well, my granddad was a bit of a conspiracy nut. Always thought the end of the world was coming," AJ said. "It's covered in junk right now, but there's an old bomb shelter out behind the machine shed. After the war, I stayed there for a couple of years while I was going to school. When Dad died, Pam and I moved into the house. I guess I just kind of forgot about the shelter."

  "Used to have some epic parties down there, though," Darnell said.

  "Parties?" Jayne asked.

  "You can see for yourself," AJ said.

  "I'll come," Darnell said. "My nose hurts, but I can help move stuff."

  AJ chuckled. "Two burritos, nearly a quart of smoothie and you've been drinking water nonstop. Do you really think you're in any position to go outside right now?"

  Darnell got a concerned look on his face and turned. "Uh, give me a few," he said, duck-walking toward the bathroom.

  "Take your time." AJ led Jayne outside with Greybeard trailing happily behind.

  "He's taking this better than I expected," Jayne said as they picked their way
around stacks of discarded washing machines.

  "Grab the end of this." AJ pointed at a long sheet of bent tin. He worked his way to the other side of the piece. "It hasn't really set in. Darnell is the master of compartmentalizing his feelings. Logically, he knows the truth of what's been said. He'll process his emotions where we can't see him."

  "That's not healthy," Jayne said. "He needs support. This isn't much different from Lisa suddenly dying."

  The two worked together to toss the tin panel onto a pile of junk, only to watch it slide back toward them, fortunately stopping before landing at their feet. AJ started throwing odds and ends that were in his way, making a significant racket.

  "Are you sure that's smart? Someone might hear you," Jayne said.

  "Only industrial storage around us. If I was a mobster, this'd be the place I'd get rid of people," he said, giving her a crazed look as he nodded at a rusty pipe he needed help with.

  "Don't joke. We're fighting a war; this could get ugly."

  "Already has," AJ said. "Present company excluded."

  Jayne grinned as she straightened up.

  "What?" AJ asked.

  "Geez, I feel so vain, but I really need to tell someone," she said.

  AJ chuckled. "Doc, I can honestly say your secrets are safe with me."

  Jayne lifted the t-shirt she’d borrowed from AJ, holding it in place against her chest. She pushed the waistband of her sweatpants down, exposing the tops of her hips. "Do you see this?"

  "Whoa, hold on there, Doc," he said. "Not that I'm not appreciative and all, but this is hardly the time and place."

  "No, you silly man. My waist hasn't looked like this since I was twenty." She twisted to look at her own butt. "And my backside is just the same."

  "Oh, that'd be a shame."

  "What?" Jayne dropped her t-shirt.

  "You had such a nice butt," he said. "If it's as flat as that stomach, I'd find that rather disappointing."

  She brought her hands up to her face as it flushed. "I can't believe I'm acting like this. Despite the changes in my body, I'm an old woman. I should comport myself with dignity."