Fragile Longing

by Reilly, Cora

  Her eyes seemed to bore into mine, as if she was trying to see beyond the obvious. I wasn’t really sure what she was looking for. I could tell that the present didn’t quite have the effect I’d hoped for.

  “Maybe we should return to the party?” she suggested, stepping back from me.

  “Of course,” I said, following her back toward the living area. Sofia kept her distance from me throughout the evening, a polite distance I wasn’t used to from her. It was the kind of behavior I’d wished for when she was younger, but now that our wedding day was close, her new reluctance to closeness worried me.

  An unfamiliar number flashed across my cell phone screen. After my initial confusion, I became suspicious. What if this was Fina’s number? Samuel had promised to give my number to her. That had been two days ago. Maybe she was already calling? I reached to take the call, my heart beating excitedly at getting the chance to talk to her. I wondered what it would be like to hear her voice after all this time. Over the years, my memories of her had become hazy. Would it be awkward between us?

  I trembled when I held the phone in my hand, suddenly overcome with nerves. My finger paused over the screen, and instead of answering, I stared at the numbers. What if it wasn’t a good idea to talk to her? With only two months to go until my wedding, what if talking to her only increased my nerves?

  It wasn’t her fault, but she’d become the Damocles sword over my head, the unattainable precedent, an unwilling and yet victorious rival for not only Danilo’s but also my family’s attention.

  It’s not her fault.

  And yet somehow, I couldn’t stop feeling that it was. If she hadn’t run away with the enemy, our parents and Samuel wouldn’t be as heartbroken. But if she were still here, Danilo would have an even harder time getting over her. It was a paradox.

  Not her fault.

  The screen turned black, and I released a sigh, but then a wave of guilt washed over me. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to call her back. I’d asked Samuel to give her my number. I wanted the contact, so why couldn’t I go through with it? Had she ever asked for my number? Had she tried to reach out to me?

  I stood and headed over to my vanity, where I sank down on the small pouf and stared at my reflection. Even if my hair wasn’t blonde anymore, my resemblance to Fina was unmistakable. Suddenly, I didn’t want this anymore. I wanted to be different. As long as I looked like Fina, but not quite, people would keep comparing us.

  My phone rang again, and my stomach clenched with dread and guilt.

  Shaking off my irrational feelings, I finally answered. “Hey,” I said, trying to sound casual, but my voice came out shaky and hoarse.

  “Sofia,” Fina said, relieved. “I’m so happy to hear your voice. I was scared you changed your mind and didn’t want to talk to me.

  A new wave of guilt raced through me. “I was in the shower,” I lied easily. “Of course, I want to talk to you. That’s why I asked Samuel to give you my number.”

  “I couldn’t believe it when he told me. I haven’t heard from him in forever, and then he calls and even allows me to talk to you. I’m over the moon.”

  She sounded so happy, and not at all like someone new, someone different because she was part of the Camorra. “Allowed? Didn’t Samuel allow you to contact me before?”

  She sighed. “I’ve been asking him to let me talk to you so often over the years, but eventually I gave up. Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

  “He can be stubborn.”

  “Oh yes.”

  We laughed, and for that instant, it felt like time and distance didn’t matter, as if we hadn’t been separated for years.

  “How are you?” Fina asked, that motherly worried tone she’d developed since giving birth to the twins ringing in her voice.

  That was such a loaded question. There was so much to say after all the years of separation, but so much of it was linked to bad memories or feelings, and I didn’t want those to taint our first call.

  “I’m fine. Pretty busy with last-minute preparations.” I didn’t really want to talk about the wedding with Fina but not talking about it would suggest I was troubled and that would raise Fina’s suspicions. Did she even know about the wedding, though?

  “You’re marrying Danilo this summer.”

  “In June,” I said.

  “I can’t believe you’re already of age and ready to be married.”

  “I’m not a girl anymore.”

  Fina was quiet for a moment. “I wish I could be there and see you in your wedding dress,” she said wistfully.

  For years, that had been my biggest wish as well. Now I was glad she wouldn’t be present. All eyes would be only on her, even Danilo’s, and I just couldn’t bear that on my wedding day.

  “I’ll send you photos once I get them.”

  “Yes, please do. I bet you’re going to be an absolutely stunning bride.”

  “I love my dress,” I said softly.

  “I’m sure Danilo won’t be able to take his eyes off you.”

  I considered talking about my troubles with Danilo with her, but then I couldn’t bring myself to do it. After all, she was the root of the problem, even if she didn’t mean to be. It hit too close to home. I wondered if she’d read a few of the articles detailing Danilo’s nightlife activities over the years. Fina was clever. She must have realized this was all because of her, the never-ending number of blonde conquests.

  “I hope so.”

  “Has something happened? Something with Danilo?” Serafina always had a way of knowing when something was bothering me or Samuel.

  I bit my lip. On the one hand, I wanted to ask Fina for advice. Usually Anna was my go-to girl for advice, but in this case, she wasn’t that helpful. “Nothing happened. I’m just a bit nervous.”

  “Danilo’s a gentleman, so you have no reason to worry.”

  If only she knew his other side, the vengeful man who took strangers against trees. The man who terrified me, and yet I still wanted him.

  “I know,” I lied. “How are Greta and Nevio? Can you send me new photos of them? I haven’t seen them in so long.”

  “Inseparable. Nevio and his cousins always keep an eye on Greta. She loves ballet so much, and she’s so talented. Remo even built a ballet studio for her so she can practice at home.”

  Her voice overflowed with love for Greta and the man who’d stirred up the trouble in the Outfit . . . and made me Danilo’s fiancée. I wasn’t sure if it was blessing or curse. “And Nevio? How’s the little daredevil?”

  Fina laughed in exasperation. “Don’t get me started. He tests my patience on a daily basis. He and his cousins stir up nothing but trouble. But I can’t really stay mad at him for long because he’s such a caring boy when it comes to Greta.”

  I grinned. Nevio had been trouble even as an infant. I could only imagine how he was now. Would I ever see them again?

  “Is Greta still so shy?”

  “Yes, she’s got trouble with people outside of family, especially with crowds.”

  I realized Fina hadn’t said anything about photos yet. “Can you send me a photo of them?”

  Fina was silent, then eventually she said apologetically, “I don’t think Remo would approve of that . . . we’re still at war.”

  Remo. The bane of the Outfit. Samuel’s face always flashed with hatred when he spoke of him, and I’d noticed the same thing with Danilo. “I understand. Danilo would be furious if he found out I’m talking to you.” Bitterness and disappointment rang in my voice.

  “I wish things were different.”

  “But they won’t be.”

  “No, they won’t,” she agreed softly. “You know what? I’ll send you a photo if you promise to send me some from your wedding.”

  I smiled. “Done.”

  “Sofia,” Mom called. “We have to leave soon!”

  I glanced at the clock. My first fitting was in an hour. The seamstress had hurried to get my dress done before all the others.

  “How
’s Mom?” Fina asked. I didn’t miss the longing in her voice. We weren’t the only ones who had lost something when Fina left. She had lost her entire family. Even if she was the one who’d left, her worry for her children hadn’t really left her much of another choice.

  “She’s in full wedding-planning mode with both my and Samuel’s weddings.”

  Fina didn’t say anything, so I blabbered on. “She’s desperate to have grandkids. If it were up to her, Emma and I would get pregnant right away.”

  “She’s got grandkids,” Fina whispered.

  My skin heated. “That’s not what I meant. Just . . . just grandkids she can take care of.”

  “I know. For a while I hoped there would be peace, but I’ve given up hope. I doubt Dante, Dad, or Danilo will ever agree to a truce.”

  “But Remo and his brothers would?”

  Fina hesitated. “Probably not.”

  “Sofia,” Mom called again.

  “I need to go.”

  “I miss you, ladybug. Keep me updated and send me all the pics.”

  “I miss you, too. And don’t forget to send me pics of Greta and Nevio.”

  I ended the call. “I’m coming,” I shouted so Mom would hear me downstairs.

  My phone beeped with incoming messages. I opened them, and almost did a doubletake when I looked at the first photo. It showed Fina with her twins. They had grown so much. Nevio was tall, already reaching Fina’s ribcage, but Greta was a couple of inches shorter and petite. The photo perfectly showed their attitude. Fina had her arms wrapped around both kids, but while it looked protective with Greta, the arm around Nevio’s shoulders seemed to stop him from running out of the picture. He looked sullen, but Greta smiled shyly into the camera.

  “Sofia!”

  I shoved the phone into my purse, slipped on my favorite sandals, and rushed downstairs. Mom looked flustered when I got down to the lobby. She’d been working 24/7 to make both weddings perfect. If she kept it up, she’d be burned out by the time the weddings rolled around. But it was clear that she needed something to keep herself busy.

  “We’re going to be late,” she said, but a smile softened her stressed words.

  For a second, I considered showing her the photo Fina had sent me, but then I decided against it, worried it would trigger more bad memories and emotions than good ones. Mom knew that Samuel was in contact with Fina, so she could have asked him for her number if she wanted to talk to her as well, but Mom just couldn’t bear it.

  My wedding day.

  I’d waited more than six years for this moment to come but the expected joy didn’t fill me.

  When I’d been a young girl, I’d often imagined my wedding day. I’d dreamed about choosing my dress surrounded by Serafina, Anna, and Mom, fantasized about the endless joy and admiration on my husband’s face when he first saw me.

  Fina hadn’t been there to help me choose a dress. I hadn’t seen her in six years and only once talked to her on the phone. She wouldn’t be at my wedding.

  Deep down, I was glad. If she were present, Danilo would have only eyes for her, and even without her there, I’d have to battle her memory. He’d be thinking about another Mione sister when I walked down the aisle toward him. I’d stopped hoping for admiration from him on my wedding day.

  Anna nudged me, one brow rising. “Hey, what’s up?” She leaned closer so Mom wouldn’t hear her, but she was busy chatting with the stylist anyway. “Is it because of Danilo?”

  Of course, it was. Most of my dark moods over the years had been because of him.

  “You are so beautiful,” Anna whispered, her face lighting up. “Enjoy it. Trust me, everyone will be speechless.”

  I soaked up her excitement and let it carry away my dread and worry.

  I wanted to be excited about my wedding. It was a day I had been looking forward to for as long as I could remember. I wouldn’t let anything ruin this day for me. I smiled, really taking in my dress. I looked beautiful. The stylist had put up my hair in an elegant chignon with the hairpiece attached to my crown so we could fix the veil on it later. Mom came up behind me and touched my shoulders, peering at my face in the mirror with a wistful smile. She was a few inches taller than me, and her hair was blonde. Both features that Serafina had inherited but not I. “You’re such a beautiful bride, Sofia.”

  I smiled. “Thank you, Mom.”

  She walked around until she was right in front of me. “Is there anything you want to know before tonight?”

  I flushed and quickly shook my head. Anna winked at me and sank down on the couch, stifling laughter. Mom and I had had the talk ages ago, and I didn’t want to repeat it. Anna and I had talked about everything I really wanted to know. Memories from that fateful night several months ago resurfaced, my desperate attempt to convince myself that Danilo wasn’t still obsessed with my sister, and the brutal realization that he was. That experience had been painful. I didn’t want to experience either again. Yet tonight, we were expected to consummate our marriage. Danilo certainly would want to do it, not because he desired me, but because he needed to lay claim to me before someone else could.

  “Sofia?” Mom asked, touching my cheek lightly.

  I blinked, bringing my focus back to the moment. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  A look of understanding passed her face. “You don’t have to be nervous. Danilo is a gentleman.”

  I nodded. He wasn’t really. At least, he hadn’t been to that blonde girl. He’d been angry and rude. Nothing like I’d expected. “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m fine. It’s just a lot to take in today.”

  “It is.”

  There was a brief knock at the door before it opened. Dad stepped in, then took his time admiring me. He shook his head with a small smile. “You look absolutely radiant, ladybug.”

  I gave him a grateful smile.

  “The cars are ready to go. We should head out in ten minutes. Samuel is making sure everyone’s in place.”

  Dad came over to me and kissed my forehead. “This will be a wonderful day. You are safe.”

  “I know, Dad.” I wasn’t worried about my safety. The Camorra wouldn’t attack. They had no reason to, and even if the Bratva or one of our other enemies tried to attack, they’d fail. The bridal car was bulletproof and accompanied by four cars with bodyguards. This was a high-security wedding.

  Dad smiled at Anna. “You make sure our bride isn’t too nervous.”

  Mom nodded. “I’m taking my leave. Maybe the maid of honor and the bride want a bit of privacy. I’m sure you two want to have a chat before everything starts.”

  “I’ll wait outside for you,” Dad said.

  I nodded and my parents left the room. Anna stood, smoothing her dress, while Dad closed the door so we could have some privacy. Anna looked absolutely stunning in a blue dress that matched her eyes and mine.

  Her smile dropped as soon as we were alone, and she hurried over to me with a frown. “Don’t let anything ruin this day for you. You’ve been looking forward to it for years. Enjoy it.” She hugged me. “I mean it. I’ll be so pissed if you don’t party like there’s no tomorrow.”

  I huffed. “Kind of difficult to not let it ruin everything when your groom would rather marry someone else. That’s not really something I’ve been looking forward to. This wedding isn’t about me, and you know it. Everyone will be comparing it to Fina’s failed wedding and everyone will compare me to her.”

  Anna shrugged. “So what? Let them. You don’t have to be afraid of that comparison, Sofia. You are fucking gorgeous. People are looking at you because of that fact and not because they’re comparing you to your sister. She’s been gone for so long. She ran off with the enemy. Nobody gives a fuck about her anymore.”

  “Leonas’s influence on you is obvious,” I said with a laugh.

  “He’d like to think it’s his doing that I’m using the F-word so often. But I’m just doing it to annoy Santino, and it’s kind of stuck.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What’s be
en going on between the two of you?”

  Anna made a dismissive gesture. “Let’s not get into that today. This is your day.”

  I searched her eyes. She was keeping something from me. “How did you get rid of your crush on Santino? I wish it would work for me as well. I just don’t want to be in love with Danilo anymore.”

  Anna tilted her head in consideration. “You got the disadvantage of having to marry him. That makes it kind of hard to forget about him.”

  As if I didn’t know it.

  “Are you even in love with Danilo, or are you in love with the image you had of him? Because I think he’s been an asshole, and that’s not someone you want to be in love with.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  Anna laughed and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You should know better, though. You’re the reasonable type.”

  “You’ve got almost everyone fooled into thinking you’re reasonable, too.”

  She flashed me a grin. “I prefer to have people underestimate me.”

  “They do.”

  We smiled at each other. I sighed. “You always make me feel better.”

  “You must enjoy today. Drink a few glasses of champagne, dance until your feet hurt. Don’t give a damn about Danilo, groom or not. If he can’t see how beautiful you are, it’s his loss. Don’t try to be someone else. You are awesome. He’ll realize it eventually, and if not, then find yourself a nice lover on the side.”

  My eyes grew wide. “Danilo would rip him to shreds. He’s not a politician.”

  Anna pursed her lips, a twinkle in her eyes. She always knew how to lighten the mood with her antics.

  I cleared my throat. “Thank you for having my back. I don’t know what I would have done without you these last few months. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

  Anna swallowed hard and looked up to the ceiling, blinking rapidly. “Don’t make me cry, Soph. I have a reputation to uphold. I’ve worked hard for the title of Ice Queen.”

  I giggled. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you’re sentimental.”

  She took a deep breath then fixed me with a stern look. “Are you okay?”