The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

  24.

  At some point into the darkness of night, I felt that I was no longer alone. There was another breath that was being drawn as well as mine. As I continued to sleep, I passed it off. It was probably just a part of my dream. But as the breathing began to exit itself from the sequence of my dream, I slowly began to awake. As I slowly opened my eyes, a dark shadowy figure stood over me.

  Barrett's eyes widely glowed like bright red fiery embers straight from the pits of hell. His breathing was heavy and filled with drink. The sheer exhaust from his mouth reeked entirely of whiskey. I lay froze and afraid, for I knew Barrett had brought hell with him. He put his hands firmly around my neck and pressed hard. I felt the air slowly dwindling from my lungs. Barrett's face leaned in closer to mine and in the darkness, he quietly asked one question upon my lips. "Are you fucking her?"

  I said nothing. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, I stood still. Life was fading quickly as Barrett continued to strangle it out of me. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Everything was true, why should I deny it? My lips rolled opened and a simple yes was uttered. It was all that Barrett needed to continue his attack.

  Without hesitation, Barrett ripped me from my bed and threw me into the corner of the dark room. His fists were fireballs of fury and he planted punches upon my face. They came down on me hard, as a meteor shower upon the earth. If not for my implants, the second blow would've cracked my skull.

  Punch after punch, toss after toss, Barrett swung me around like a rag doll, wailing over and over again, "are you fucking her?"

  I thought that I had answered the question, but I guessed he couldn't believe it. As my shirt had tattered and torn and there was nothing left for Barrett to grab onto, one more toss into the corner of the room, one last beat down to the face, that I finally lost consciousness, finally. It wasn't a good thing, but at least I had escaped the pain and the fear.

  My eyes opened slowly. I saw the cement ground as I swayed back and forth and around. I coughed up a mouthful of blood. I expelled blood from my nose. As my eyes became clearer, I watched my dripping blood upon the floor as it created a bloody looking spiral graph. The room was cold and dark and I remembered it well. It was the training room. A faint glimmer of light expelled itself from the side of the four walled hell hole. As I looked up, I saw Barrett sitting on the bench, leaning up against the wall. The room was being filled with the sound of chains rattling, chains that were tightly wrapped around my ankles as I was being hung upside down. I also heard the sound of a hollowed out glass tapping. I strained and looked up at Barrett, I could see he had a bottle with him. A bottle that was nearly empty. Barrett was drunk and I was fucked. I swayed, hoping the motion would slow down but it didn't. I became queasy. My arms swayed, hairs on my skin prickling with the coldness of the air. I knew that if Barrett wanted to kill me, he would have killed me to begin with, but he couldn't. I was not a free soul, nor did I belong to him. He did what he could to get the message through. The message was through. I said nothing to him, I just waited. I knew that day would come and someone would come for me.

  The door to the war room was left cracked open. As the tapping from Barrett's bottle quietly subsided, my swaying stopped as well. Blood just continued to ooze out of every orifice of my head. My face was pointed toward the door. I was watching it like a hawk, waiting. I inhaled a breath of relief as Barrett finally passed out from the booze. With all the blood rushing to my head, it became hard to remain conscious. As I was almost about to lose it, I faintly saw Clive's face as he peeked his head inside the door and quickly retreated.

  The mayhem started as soon as Paige entered the room. As soon as she came in, I was quickly lowered. As soon as I was lowered, she was at her father's feet, trying to revive him. As I laid upon the cold bloodied concrete floor, I could hear Paige as she slapped her father across his face trying to wake him.

  He quickly awoke. As soon as he saw her, in a drunken rage, he pushed her away from him. He got up and walked out of the room. Paige rushed to me and quickly removed the chains from my ankles. "What the hell's going on?"

  Feeling much relief that I was no longer upside down, I replied, "he knows Paige, he knows."

  Her eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists. She laid a quick kiss over my bloodied lips and said, "I'll be back." And with that, Paige was gone.

  I was in no position to move, so I just laid there. I tried to close my eyes. It didn't matter where I slept these days, as long as I got some sleep. As soon as I did shut my eyes, the arguing came back downstairs.

  I could hear Paige's voice, strong, loud and proud. She drug her father back downstairs, meaning business. "What the Fuck is your problem?"

  "You two have been fucking, haven't you?" Barrett's voice was loud and piercing.

  "And what God damn business of it, is yours?" Paige asked.

  "It is my God damn business, you are my daughter." Barrett replied fiercely.

  "You know, I had a great life, with my boyfriend. We had a beautiful son together. But you, you had to run him off, and send my son away. I have absolutely no happiness in my life. I have this, this. I have absolutely no life. Day in and day out, I wait on you. I go to my online classes, I work to be a nurse, but at the end of the day I have nothing. I know you don't want to hear this, dad, but I love Lillian. I love her for who she is and she loves me for me. I am sick and tired of living in the fucking shadows of you. Grow the Fuck up dad, for this is the real world. I know, that all that bull shit that you told me about mom was fake. I knew that she did not die in an accident. She died because of you. She died because you got way deep in your gambling debts. And this whole life, this life is because of your debt to Paul Bishop."

  There was a short silence and then I heard Barrett's voice. "What you two are doing is just fucking sick. How the Fuck can you fall in love with her? She probably won't even see the end of next year."

  He was right. Since being recruited into the ladies fight club, my life expectancy drastically shortened.

  There was a complete silence afterward. No words were spoken, just light steps upon the stairs. The words that Paige spoke, were securely planted in my mind. Her mother's death was not an accident. It was rather retaliation for debts not paid. My heart sank. I wondered if everything being told to me was true. Paul Bishop was a grotesque man. With all the money that he had, apparently everything was expendable. Hopefully my mom was not. I held it as a thought. I held it as ammunition for getting myself out of this place.

  I felt a warm hand brush my cheek. As I opened my eyes, Paige was a sight for sore ones. I smiled, exposing bloodied teeth and all. "Did Paul really off your mom?"

  Paige helped me up. She walked me over to the bench and I sat down. I laid my beaten and battered self against the wall. I sat there motionless, eyes almost too swollen to see out of. "I'm not sure, but I think so. It's the only reason my father was so gung ho about this project." Paige tried to prop me up to make me more comfortable. "Wait here a moment while I get my medical bag. I'm going to give Sebastian a call, we may need to x-ray your head."

  Before she left I grabbed her arm. "No x-ray please, I feel fine beside the headache. What time is it?"

  "6:35 AM. Why?"

  "Well, it's the first day of training, so I better get my ass out there and start running. Gots to build my stamina back up ya know?"

  Paige just shook her head. "You are in absolutely no condition to train. As soon as I mend your wounds, you are going straight back to bed. You will stay there for the rest of the day and until tomorrow morning."

  "Paige, you don't have to protect me against your father. After all, I am a big girl."

  Paige placed my face between her hands. She came close to me and spoke softly. "Why did you not fight back?"

  I smiled. "Because everything that he said was true. I deserved it. I have no right touching you. I have no right anywhere. I'm no one. I'm property that is all."

  Perhaps she felt my statement was true, for she slowly
left our embrace. Her facial expressions fell from vibrancy. She took a few steps back before saying, "let me go get my medical bag. I'll be right back." Paige left. I sat by myself in the cold dark war room.

  I waited patiently. The bottle that Barrett had nearly finished off was sitting on the cold concrete ground. There were at least five shots left in it. I picked up the bottle and chugged the remaining gold liquid ever so graciously. The alcohol burned on its way down my throat. As it settled though, it calmed me. I felt the booze as it warmed me from the insides. I felt comfort as my senses began to dull. I began to have regrets of my current lifestyle. I began to hate myself for finding comfort in a new found everyday routine. How was it that I could find satisfaction and/or happiness in the position that I was in? I couldn't believe how much my heart had turned in almost 2 years. It was amazing to think. I had been missing for almost 2 years now. When I first arrived, all I could think of was escape and beating my captors, with the exception of Paige.

  When my sobriety began to escape, Paige finally returned with the medical bag. As she began to clean up my face, she noticed my sudden loopyness. She quickly glanced at the empty bottle that sat next to my side. "Did you finish all this off?"

  Feeling good, I busted out with a cheesy smile. With my best English accent, I replied. "Why yes mate. I believe the bottle was sittin there all by its lonesome. I picked it up and gave it a whirl. Twas a delicious batch indeed!" I laughed to myself. Smug with how well I was able to execute certain accents.

  Paige laughed, shook her head and smiled as she cleaned up my face. Still smiling and with such a gentle touch, Paige stood up. "Okay, all done. You may go lie down to rest now."

  I slowly wobbled up. My legs were shaking and my face was in pain. I took a deep breath, looked up at the ceiling and exhaled as I tried to release the achiness from me. I then looked directly at Paige. "What time is it?"

  She quickly glanced at her watch. "Quarter after 7 AM, why?"

  "What's the temperature?" I asked.

  "It's a little above 30?F, why?" She asked.

  "Is there snow on the ground?"

  Paige began to become impatient. "A little, why?" She asked again.

  I began to slowly walk towards the door. My running gear was a bit out of whack, I was a bit intoxicated, but I tried my best to walk in a straight line. I still had not answered Paige's question, nor did I tend to. My actions would be the only answering that she needed. I left the war room and entered mine. I pulled off my tattered nightshirt and my nighttime boxers. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I was in such a horrific state. Both my eyes were beginning to get swollen, and bruises littered my body like unfashionable polka dots. Painfully I slid on loose fitting jeans. I put on warm high socks and pulled on a long sleeved shirt. Since the snow wasn't too deep, I threw on my running shoes. I looked at myself once again in the mirror, and doused my face with a splash of warm water. The cuts were stinging intensively. As I opened my door and stepped into the hallway, Paige stopped me.

  "What are you doing?"

  "I'm going out for a run." I said.

  She grabbed my arm and started to maneuver me back into my room. "Oh no you're not. You're going straight back to bed."

  I was not an angry type of person. It must've been the booze speaking and controlling my actions. I grabbed her arm and stopped her in mid tracks. I looked at her directly in the eyes. "Look, I realize that some shit has gone down. But you have to realize that I have a few weeks to train and get back on top. If I am not fully ready to go, I will die. Do you understand?"

  Paige said nothing. She just nodded.

  "Good." I said. "Now, I already know Clive is up. I know you have your morning duties to attend to. You get Clive's ass outside to babysit me, plain and simple. Do you understand?"

  Paige nodded once again.

  I smiled. "Good. So, I shall do my morning routine and run my ass off. When Fitz finally gets here, we shall continue our training downstairs." I took my hand from her arm and placed it placed it on her cheek. "Paige, you understand how important this is?"

  Still speechless, Paige nodded.

  "Good." I said. The next words that I muttered, killed me. I did not wish to speak them, but I felt for the safety of both of us, the rules I must abide. I bit my tongue, but I spoke them truthfully and wholeheartedly. "Paige, I think out of the best interest of your father, we should stop seeing each other."

  Paige frowned and began to shake her head no. She began to speak, but I stopped her and placed a finger upon her lips.

  "Shhhh." I softly hissed. "You know damn well that I love you more than anything. You know damn well, that this relationship was condemned even before it began." I took my hands and laid them on her shoulders. The underbelly's of the house was never heated. Even though I had a long sleeve shirt and pants on, I could feel the coldness creeping in. The girls were definitely in full salute. "One of these days my love, we shall be free." And with that, I gave her a big smile and began my journey upstairs, eyes peeled for any irate Barrett of course.

  As I was led outside, the cool brisk air hit me suddenly. It was a quick flash of heat and then coolness smacking my face. The fresh outside air began to slowly melt away my mild intoxication. As the cold air molecules began to envelop my eyes, they fought off the intense swelling. I took a deep breath and exhaled. A big cloud expelled from my mouth like a mighty Dragon. Without words, I turned to Paige. She disappeared and I patiently waited outside the door. The sun was beginning to rise and I could feel its warmth as it began to penetrate through my clothes. There was a light dusting of snow that laid, powdering the ground. The sky was clear and the day, was virgin. As I waited, I stretched. I could feel the hunger as it rumbled inside my stomach. I shook it off. It was a week of strenuous exercise. I had to regain my strength. It was either make or break myself. If I couldn't make myself, then death was my prize. Fuck you death, I thought to myself as I warmed up with some push-ups. Soon after my warm-ups, Clive appeared from the house.

  His eyes were wide as he looked at my face, dropping his jaw. He began to point, but I batted his finger away. Eyes still wide, he said, "holy shit Lil, I thought that scar was the worst, but this?"

  "Shut your mouth, Clive. Just leave me be, okay?"

  Clive nodded.

  I began to jog in place. I started to warm up.

  "Were you gonna run kid?" Clive asked.

  Jogging in place, I smiled through the bruises on my face. "Just around the corral, guy. Keep that gun pointed at me, for I might run away." I said kiddingly. "Don't worry, I'm not going to run far." I began my trek off to the corral. Just as I had started my training a year ago in the corral, I started my second season training, running around it.

  As I ran, Clive watched and babysat from the steps of the house. I, like a mad woman, trying to desperately to run out my frustrations. At first, I was out of breath. I continued, no matter the strain, I continued. As the day progressed and noon came upon us, Clive and I were summoned into lunch.

  It was a basic lunch, the only new edition was Fitz. He had finally arrived. Thank God on my part, Barrett was nowhere to be seen. I assumed he was off somewhere, nursing his hangover and his fists, better for me. It was a lunch that consisted of sandwiches and potato salad. I inhaled it just as well. As Paige, Clive, Fitz and I, sat at the table, we laugh and shared stories of fights from the past. Despite my present pain and my aches, I managed to mutter a few laughs. I laughed and shook my head in dismay. It was so hard to imagine myself, laughing and having fun with the very people that took me from my so-called life. Fitz remained silent about my battered face. I assumed Paige had filled him in.

  Lunch had concluded itself. I had left on a happy note. With a smile, I walked downstairs with Fitz. Training as usual, but today, Fitz would teach me on the bo staff.

  Training was exciting, for I spent the afternoon learning the ways of the staff. I smiled to myself as I imagined I was Donatello, my most favorite Ninja Turtle growing up as a kid. At one
point, Fitz used me as a dummy. He hit me in tender spots with the staff, just so I could feel how the pain was. They were not hard-hit, but just enough to cause pain. I knew he was going easy on me. Every time he looked at me, he winced at the sight of my bruised up face.

  As the day grew older and training came to an end, Fitz and I sat and talked as we usually did and waited for Paige to gather us for dinner. The conversation at first, was silent and nonexistent. I thought many times of breaking the ice, but had nothing really important to say.

  I thought of Fitz as a friend. I remembered having friends at one time. I remembered how you could talk about anything. No topic was not important. Every topic was valid and worth discussion. Unfortunately, in my current situation, this was not so. Even though I saw Fitz as a friend, he still was one of them. I struggled with the silence, but because I was used to it and my ways of socializing with people was fading, I let the feeling pass. In the time of now, silence was my friend. I was able to think more clearly. My friends were distant fragments that remained memories in my mind. In my loneliness, I would try so desperately to recall those very few saved precious moments. Finally, when one of those precious moments was recovered, I savored the simple pleasures of producing a smile.

  I stood over the dried bloody spiral graph that I made earlier in the morning. I stared at it and examined it closely. Each and every path, I imagined myself hanging upside down as the blood slipped from my face and dropped from my nose. I looked up at Fitz as he was sitting on the bench. As my mind clouded, I slipped away and I saw Barrett sitting there, drinking from his bottle.

  My thoughts were lost as soon as Fitz spoke. "Do you love her?"

  Leaving my thoughts I looked up at him. The coldness of the room sent shivers up my spine. I was backtracking my thoughts and remembering Barrett's mindless craze as he landed punch after punch upon my face.

  "You've been silent the better part of the evening. I'm not going to ask if you are okay, because I know you are not. If this discussion bothers you, then I shall drop it." His eyes were so pure at the moment. His soul was harmless. Fitz was another soul lost in the game, the same as I.

  My mouth finally opened and words escaped. "I do, or at least I did."

  Fitz smiled. "You do realize, in real life and in literature, there were many loves that should not have been?"

  I cut him off. "I know where you're going with this?"

  Fitz just smiled once again. "I believe the most forbidden love in literature, would be Romeo and Juliet. Are you familiar with them?"

  I nodded. I began to walk toward him, my limp becoming more apparent. I knew the story of Romeo and Juliet well, for I played Romeo in a high school play. I sat down next to Fitz and welcomed his young but positive wisdom. "Continue on my friend. I am listening."

  His half smile faded as his lips began to form words. His soft black hair danced as his face worked with his words. "Give Barrett some time. Give Paige some time. I have known Paige for a while now and I know she does not make decisions lightly. She's a strong hearted woman despite everything that has happened in the past. She weighs each and every decision in her mind and she weighs them heavily. Paige Joyce Barrett does not make a decision unless her heart is set upon it." Fitz took his arm and wrapped it around my shoulders. "Apparently, she has made it for you.

  I welcomed the warmth from his arm. I took in a deep breath and exhaled. "I remember a time in my life, when routine was everything." I smiled and let out another sigh. "I was, so indeed the only. Every time I thought that I found someone that I could love, I sabotaged it." I took my hands and I ran them over my sore bruised face. I ran my hands through my hair. Cold, tired and worn out, I looked into Fitz's eyes, slightly laughing. "Truth is, I wouldn't know true love even if it bit me in my own ass."

  "What do you feel when you are with her?"

  I paused for a moment. Thoughts, nor words could never describe how I felt when I was with her. Each and every moment was like firecrackers bursting at my fingertips with the need to touch her soft skin. All I wanted was to feel her warmth next to mine. All I needed was her to feel safety within my arms. As I thought about it, my mind was on fire for the need to be with her. As I thought about it, the loss of her mind, her body, her touch and smell drove me completely crazy. I closed my eyes, tightly, for at this point, the need of someone else only made me weaker. I shook it all away. I shook it all into the darkness that was the back of my sad pathetic mind. I knew I loved her. Love at this point was so forsaken. I imagined Barrett's fists over and over again bashing my face. Lying, I shook my head and replied to Fitz. "I feel nothing. It was just something to pass the time."

  Fitz placed his hand over mine. He held it firmly there and spoke. "Lillian, you know that anything that you say here, shall not be repeated."

  I wanted so desperately to tell him. I wanted so desperately to have a true friend. I felt the pain. I felt my body ache. I took my hand away from his and looking at him, I just smiled. "Thanks Fitz, but I'll be okay."

  I remained, once again distant. My first day of training had ended. Barrett, thankfully was nonexistent during dinner. Talks were shared between Fitz, Paige and Clive, but I remained silent. I enjoyed my meal quietly. It was Fitz who finally walked me down to my room.

  I flicked on the switch and illuminated the simple dwelling which I called my home. Fitz left with one last smile. The heavy metal door tightly shut behind him. I threw myself down on the bed and in the dull fluorescent lighting of the room, I buried my head into my arms and began to cry. I cried for my pain, but most of all I cried for my loss, Paige. It was a decision that weighed heavily upon my soul. I knew it was a hard decision to keep, but I would try so very hard. If there was anything that was keeping me going at this point, it was Paige.

  With tears still dampening my eyes, I peeled off my clothes. I brushed my teeth and put on my PJs. I pulled out my MP3 player and listened to the very sad music that would help me cry and set my soul free.

  There was placed in front of me, the four faces of doom. Melting faces. The fiery depths of hell which enveloped my skin, ate my soul, penetrated me with their eight beady eyes. As the heat overcame my body, the sweat rolled down in multiple beads of fear and of hate. I was not going to plead with the four faces of doom, for I already knew they had my fate planned out for me. I sat there, on the very planks of the fiery hell, waiting for my sentence. No smile, nor frown. As I inhaled the fiery madness into my soul, I felt the very devil himself and his many constituents. I tried to fight them off, for I knew I was not made of evil. Even though, the visions in my mind led me to the thoughts of death. With Paige long gone from my mind, the demons within my head were pointing toward death. As I tried to shake all thoughts off, the four faces of doom were agreeing with the fact that death will be in my hands. I knelt and looked up at the sky and screamed as the red blood ran from my palms.