Looking for Love

by Barbara Goss

  When the flamboyant woman approached, Fiona couldn’t help but stare at her. She was wearing quite a bit of makeup but was nevertheless beautiful. Her pitch-black hair had been pulled up onto her head, and her sharp ebony eyes glared at Fiona.

  “Abby, this is our house guest, Fiona Sullivan. Fiona,” he held his hand out toward her, “this is Abby.”

  “How do you do?” Fiona said.

  Abby stared at Fiona. At first, she didn’t think the woman would reply. Finally, she gave Fiona a nod and curt smile, and then turned to Sam with a questioning look.

  “Fiona fell from her horse and sprained her ankle. It was my fault, so I’m helping her get around.” Abby raised her eyebrows and he continued in almost a whisper. “We're hoping for a match between Fiona and Martin.”

  “Oh?” Abby said. She gave Fiona a curt smile. “That would be wonderful.”

  Sam quickly took Abby by the arm. “My mother’s coming. I’ll see you tonight as usual?”

  “I hope so,” Abby said. After giving Fiona another curious look, she sauntered back across the road.

  Addie stepped up to Sam. “What was she doing here?”

  “She wanted to meet our house guest,” Sam said.

  Addie shook her head and made her way to the buggy. “A bright red dress! And on Sunday, too!”

  It was a quiet ride home as Addie seemed to be too steaming mad at Sam to speak. Now that Fiona had met Abby, she wasn’t surprised that Addie didn’t like the woman. There was something about her that Fiona didn’t trust. She could clearly see what Sam saw in her, and she could well imagine what type of entertainment she provided Sam when he visited her. Just the thought of it caused her to feel her cheeks flush.

  Martin, Addie, Sam, and Fiona enjoyed a roast beef dinner with all the trimmings.

  Sam approached Fiona when she’d finished her dessert. “How about I carry you out onto the porch for a while?”

  Fiona wanted to refuse—she couldn’t wait to finish her book. She knew her face had shown she was about to refuse because Sam whispered, “I need to talk to you.”

  “All right, then,” she said.

  Sam picked her up and carried her to the front porch. He set her into a rocking chair and took a seat in the one beside it.

  “I’ve been thinking about our plan and—”

  Fiona shook her head. “No, I can’t do it, Sam.”

  “Sure, you can. I noticed him looking at you several times during dinner. He’s attracted to you, I can tell.”

  “I’m not sure I’d want to marry a minister. I’m just not the type to be a minister’s wife.”

  “Sure you are, you’ll see,” Sam said. “Martin loves to take a morning swim. Every day in the summer, when it's not rainy, he goes down to the pond beyond the stables and swims. Do you have a bathing outfit?”

  “No,” she replied.

  “I’ll get you one,” Sam said impatiently. “Then you could go down there for a swim. When you meet, you can say it’s your favorite morning activity, too.”

  “I don’t even know how to swim!” Fiona exclaimed.

  “Just go into the water and stay near the shore. Tell him you don’t want to get your hair wet or something.” Sam smiled. “I know this will be just the opening you need.”

  Fiona sighed. He didn't seem about to give up, so she’d just have to go along with it. It wasn’t going to work anyway, so why not?

  The very next day, the doctor visited and said she could get up and walk with a cane he’d made for her. She hobbled around on it until she'd gotten quite good at using it.

  After lunch on Fiona’s way to her room, Sam passed her and handed her a package.

  “Let’s go to your room,” he whispered.

  Fiona turned and headed back to her room with him following on her heels. When they entered her room, he closed the door behind them. When Fiona’s face showed her surprise, he shrugged and said, “It’s just for a minute.”

  He took the package from her, ripped it open, pulled out a bathing costume, and held it up. “I think this will fit. Abby helped me pick it out. We had to go clear to Salina for it.”

  Fiona looked at it with distaste. “What is it?”

  “It’s a bathing costume,” he said impatiently. “Here, put it on. When you’re done, open the door a little and I’ll come back in and take a look.”

  After he’d gone, Fiona held it up. There were two pieces: one piece was a little, gray dress with a flounce skirt, and the other was a pair of gray short pants that hugged the thighs. She shrugged and put them on. Turning about in the mirror, she felt she could never be seen by anyone in it. Good grief—the pants only went to her knees, leaving her legs bare. She opened the door a bit. Sam pushed in and stood there staring at her with his mouth open.

  “Chariots of fire!” Sam exclaimed, gazing at her from her head down to her toes.

  Chapter 6

  Sam couldn’t believe his eyes—Fiona looked amazing. The costume’s skirt flared out from her tiny waist, and her legs were fantastic. Just looking at her made his whole body react to the sight. He supposed Abby hadn’t figured on Fiona’s bosom being so large—while the top of the dress buttoned from the waist to the neck, the tiny buttons bulged across her plump bosom.

  While he stood there at a loss for words, he saw she was blushing, so he felt the need to ease her embarrassment. “You look fantastic, Fiona!” he said.

  “I’m not going out of this room dressed like this,” she said putting her hands on her hips, and as she did so, about four buttons popped open exposing the very top of her generous, cleavage. Fiona gasped and used her hands to cover herself.

  Without thinking, mesmerized by the sight, Sam reached out, removed her hands, and began to button up the blouse. His hand brushed her skin and she looked up at him in shock. He was so moved that he leaned in to touch his lips to hers, his hands still on the buttons and her skin. For a few seconds, Fiona responded, but then she pushed him away with both of her hands.

  “What are you doing?” she asked. Her face was red, but from anger instead of blushing. She was so angry, that she forgot to cover herself with her hands again.

  The sight of her exposed cleavage distracted him. What had gotten into him? Abby was his woman. Why had he reacted that way? What had made him kiss Fiona?

  Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to keep his eyes off of her bosom long enough to think of what to say. “I’m sorry,” was all he could think of.

  Seeing that he was unable to look away from her bosom, Fiona covered herself with one hand and pointed to the door with the other. “Out!” she said.

  Sam lost no time scurrying out of her room. He wiped the perspiration from his brow. What a sight. He knew when Martin saw her…suddenly the thought of having to share that lovely view with Martin felt wrong.

  Once Sam had collected himself, he wondered how he might fix the top of the outfit. His plan no longer felt so ingenious. He had no idea how gorgeous she was, since she'd always dressed in shapeless frocks. She’d thrown him for a loop, that was for sure. Now, he wasn't able to erase the vision from his memory.

  Sam sat in the sitting room with his head in his hands. How should he act around Fiona now? Pretending nothing happened between them might work…yet…he felt so confused. The kiss, while short, was the sweetest he’d ever received. How could he forget that? It left him wanting more. And, she’d responded—at least for a few seconds!

  He supposed his rash action had been due to his physical relationship with Abby. Had he not been intimate with her for the past six months, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so bold with Fiona. Had he become used to the inappropriate touching of women because Abby allowed it and even encouraged it? Suddenly, his relationship with Abby seemed all wrong. He felt ashamed of himself for his actions with Fiona, as well as for his relationship with Abby.

  Having been reared in a Christian home, he knew he’d been sinning for the last six months with Abby, but he just hadn’t been able to
stop. Their time together had been intoxicating, but now he felt it had ruined him for…for someone like Fiona. The conscience he’d been smothering for the past six months needled him. His mother had been right. Abby wasn’t marriage material. How could he have ever thought she was? He’d been naïve to have been so enamored by physical pleasures, that he hadn’t realized until now that Abby controlled him using intimacy. He’d been blind enough to fall victim to it, and he felt ashamed.

  He remembered a sermon his brother had given one Sunday about how Satan attacked people at their weakest points. He knew that’s just what had happened.

  Now that he realized all this, what should he do?

  He needed to talk to Martin.

  On his way to Martin’s office, he passed Fiona on her way to the kitchen. She looked away as they passed. He knew it: things would never be the same.

  Martin responded affirmatively to his knock, invited Sam in, and Sam sat in front of his desk. “Got a minute?” he asked.

  “For you?” he said, closing the Bible he’d been reading. “Always. What’s on your mind?”

  As soon as Sam began to unload his conscience to Martin, his mother stuck her head in the door. “Martin? Oh, I didn’t know you were in here, too, Sam. Sorry. I just wanted to let someone know I was going into town. I’m taking Fiona to the mercantile to get a few necessities. I’ll be back in time for supper. It’s in the oven on low heat.” With that, she ducked out of the room and closed the door.

  “She really likes Fiona,” Martin said, smiling. “She acts like she’s her daughter, already. Aren’t you sorry to have to disappoint her?”

  “That’s why I’m here. Just listen,” Sam said. “I’ve been such a fool. I thought I was in love with Abby when all along it was…well, just physical. We’ve been intimate for six months now.” When Martin didn’t react in any way, but continued to listen attentively, Sam continued. “Now my conscience is bothering me something fierce. I did something today that made it clear how blind I’ve been. I’ve really made a mess of things.

  “I’d decided to unload Fiona on you, by having her join you for a morning swim so you could become acquainted with her, but it backfired.”

  Martin’s eyes widened, and then he frowned. “What?” Martin said.

  “I had Fiona try on the bathing costume I bought, and…and…”

  “And?” Martin prompted.

  “And she looked fantastic in it. I’ll spare you the sordid details, but I touched her a bit inappropriately, and then I kissed her.”

  Martin grimaced but didn’t say anything.

  “Then she threw me out of her room, and now she won’t even look at me,” Sam said.

  “I can understand why,” Martin said. “So, is it Fiona’s attitude that’s bothering you?”

  “That, and I also realized a few things. If I hadn’t been sinning for the past six months and in the habit of touching a woman inappropriately, I’d have never had the nerve to touch Fiona like I did,” Sam said. “It came to me too naturally, and that’s what made me realize that I’ve become a scoundrel, a despicable cad, and I don’t deserve so much as a look or a smile from sweet Fiona.”

  “You touched her a bit inappropriately? How much is a bit?” Martin asked with a scowl.

  “Well, the top buttons of her costume burst open. I tried to button them for her and may have touched her cleavage a little bit.”

  That’s when Martin shook his head with a sigh, opened his Bible, and read him a few verses in an attempt to console him. “If you’re truly sorry, God will forgive you. You only have to ask and your slate will be wiped clean, but you can’t behave like that again. If you do, it'll mean you weren’t truly sorry.”

  “Oh, I am sorry,” Sam said. “I need to visit Abby one last time and break it off with her.” Sam frowned. “That won’t be easy. She thinks I’m going to marry her, and she’ll be a respectable cattleman’s wife. I practically promised her that. How could I have been so irresponsible?”

  “You have to do it,” Martin said. “What about Fiona? How do you feel about her?”

  “She’s not one bit frumpy in a bathing costume. She shocked me with her beauty. I was awestruck,” Sam said.

  “So that would mean you’re physically attracted to Fiona. You do realize that isn’t love, don’t you?” Martin said.

  “I know.” Sam ran his fingers through his hair. “But the kiss…it was fantastic. I’m not saying I’m in love, but I am attracted by her kiss and her hidden beauty.”

  “Beauty fades through the years, sometimes, and often kisses don’t excite as they once did. You need more than beauty and kisses. You need to care about a woman from the inside out. What kind of person is she? Is she generous, kind, and thoughtful? Do you miss her when you’re not together? How would you feel if she left tomorrow and you never saw her again? Most importantly, does she have a close relationship with God? Those are the things that tell you if you love someone,” Martin said.

  “I guess I need to get to know Fiona better—if she’ll let me, that is. The first thing I need to do is break off my relationship with Abby and hope she hasn’t made a permanently coarse man out of me,” Sam said. “Will I be able to have a normal courtship with a decent woman after my relationship with Abby, or am I forever ruined?”

  “You'll need to pray and set your mind to it. You can do it. A person can do anything if he wants it badly enough.”

  Martin stood. “Anything else? I have house calls to make.”

  “No. I think you’ve helped me somewhat. I need to do the rest myself.”

  Sam saddled his horse and rode into town headed for the saloon, climbed up the back stairs as he always had, and knocked. He braced himself for what he had to do.

  Fiona and Addie browsed through the ready-made dresses at the mercantile. They were rather plain but more modern than any of the dresses she'd brought with her from the orphanage. She did have the one dress she’d bought with her first pay from Mary Littlefield, but it only made her think about what she’d probably gone through when she returned home to find her husband dead. She shook her head to clear the unpleasant thought, and picked out a few of the dresses she wanted.

  “Do you like these shoes, Fiona?” Addie asked.

  Addie touched the soft leather. “They’re lovely, but I couldn’t possibly let you buy me another thing. You’ve been very kind and generous, but I think you’ve spent enough on me.”

  “Nonsense. I can’t have my future daughter-in-law looking any less beautiful than she is, now can I?” Addie said. “With the right clothes, I know that both of my sons will simply drool when they see you. Why were you hiding your features behind those drab, loose-fitting, dresses?”

  “They were the dresses the orphanage supplied. I do have the skirt and blouse for church.”

  “By the way, how's the foot?”

  “Much better,” Fiona said. “With the cane, I can walk without putting too much pressure on it. I think I’ll be running in no time.” Fiona knew that after what had happened earlier that day with Sam, that as soon as she could walk without the cane, she’d be on the first train. There was no point in staying there any longer than necessary.

  Upon arriving home from shopping in town, Addie started supper and Fiona took her packages to her room. She’d barely set her packages down when there was a soft knock on her door. She opened it to find Sam standing there.

  “Sam!”

  “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior this morning. You don’t need to swim with Martin,” he said. “In fact, I’d prefer it if you didn't. I had no business asking you to do such a thing.”

  “I accept your apology.” She started to close the door, but Sam slid his foot between the door and the doorframe.

  “Would you do me the honor of a walk before supper?” he asked.

  “A walk? Why?” Sam had confused Fiona. First he'd wanted nothing to do with her, and now he wanted her to take a walk with him.

  Sam shrugged. “I guess I want to ge
t to know you better—to be friends.”

  Fiona thought for a moment. What harm would it do? She’d be gone soon, anyway. His kiss that morning had been unexpected and unwanted, but for some reason, she’d enjoyed it—at least for a few moments. When she’d realized where his hands were resting, it had frightened her. Did he think he could treat her like a saloon woman? She hadn’t the heart to refuse him though, after he’d apologized so nicely.

  “As friends? Sure, I’ll walk with you.”

  Chapter 7

  Sam led Fiona down the wheel-worn lane leading to the main thoroughfare, which was nothing more than a wide and dusty road. They turned right.

  “Where are we going?” she asked.

  “I have a favorite spot—you know, a place where I go when I need to think. It’s not far. I want to share it with you,” he said, looking down at her with a smile.

  Fiona shrugged, wondering what he was up to. She was a bit tense and worried that he might want to finish what he’d started that morning. If he did, she’d slap his face as she wished she’d done at the time.

  She’d gotten good walking with the cane, but she had a bit of trouble keeping up with him over the rough terrain.

  When they came to a big, old, oak tree overlooking a small stream, Sam pointed to a large indentation in the center of the tree base. It looked almost as if it had planned to be two trees and then changed its mind to become a giant, single tree. He sat down and patted the ground beside him.

  Fiona hesitated.

  “Please, you don’t have to worry. I’ve learned a good lesson from this morning. It won’t happen again, I promise,” he said.