dish-rag and put it in de dish water and them lice pulled back and
tole you "Aw naw, damned if I'm going to let you drown me." (Loud
laughter from the Methodist side)
SISTER LEWIS
(furious--rises akimbo) Well, my house might not be exactly clean, but
there's no fly-specks on my character! They didn't have to sit de
sheriff to make Willie marry _me_ like they did to make Tony marry
_you_.
SISTER TAYLOR
(Jumping up and starts across the aisle. She is pulled back out of the
aisle by friends.) Yeah, they got de sheriff to make Tony marry me,
but he married me and made me a good husband, too. I sits in my
rocking cheer on my porch every Sat'day evening and say "here come
Tony and them--
SISTER LEWIS
Them what?
SISTER TAYLOR
Them dollars. Now you sho orter go git de sheriff and a shot-gun and
make some of dese men marry yo' daughter Ada.
SISTER LEWIS
(Jumping up and starting across the aisle. She is restrained, but
struggles hard.) Lemme go, Jim Merchant! Turn me go! I'm going to
stomp de black heifer till she can't sit down.
SISTER TAYLOR
(Also struggling) Let her come on! If I get my hands on her I'll turn
her every way but loose.
SISTER LEWIS
Just come on out dis church, Lucy Taylor. I'll beat you on everything
you got but yo' tongue and I'll bit dat a lick if you stick it out.
(to the men holding her) Turn me go! I'm going to fix her so her own
mammy won't know her. She ain't going to slip _me_ into de dozens and
laugh about it.
SISTER TAYLOR
(Trying to free herself) Why don't y'all turn dat ole twist mouth
'oman loose. All I wants to do is hit her one lick. I betcha I'll take
her 'way from here faster than de word of God.
SISTER LEWIS
(to men holding Mrs. Taylor) I don't see how come y'all want let ole
flat-behind Lucy Taylor aloose--make out she so bad, now. She may be
red hot but I kin cool her. I'll ride her just like Jesus rode a
jackass.
(They have subsided into their seats again, but are glaring at each
other. Enter Mayor Clarke thru the pulpit door and is annoyed at the
clamor going on. He tries to quell the noise with a frown.)
SISTER TAYLOR
Dat ain't nothin' but talk--You looks lak de Devil before day, but you
ain't so bad--not half as bad as you smell.
CLARKE
Order, please. Court is set.
SISTER LEWIS
You looks like all hell and de devil's doll baby, but all I want _you_
to do is to hit de ground and I'll crawl you. Put it where I kin git
it and I'll sho use it.
MAYOR CLARKE
(feeling everywhere for the gavel) Lum Boger! Where's dat gavel I told
you to put here?
LUM
(from beside prisoner) You said _you_ were going to git it yo'self.
CLARKE
I God, Lum, you gointer stand there like a bump on a log and see I
ain't got nothin' to open court wid? Go head--fetch me dat gavel. Make
haste quick before dese wimmen folks tote off dis church house. (Lum
exits by front door)
SISTER TAYLOR
(to Lewis) Aw, shut up, you big old he-looking rascal you! Nobody
don't know whether you'se a man or a woman.
CLARKE
You wimmen, shut up!
SISTER LEWIS
(to Taylor) Air Lawd! Dat ain't _yo_ trouble. They all _knows_ whut
_you_ is--eg-zackly!
LINDSAY
Aw, why don't you wimmen cut dat out in de church-house! Jus' jawin'
and chewin' de rag!
SISTER TAYLOR
Joe Lindsay, if you'd go home and feed dat raw-boned horse of yourn
you wouldn't have so much time to stick yo' bill in business that
ain't yourn.
LINDSAY
You ain't got nairn to feed--You better go hunt another dead dog and
git some mo' teeth. Great big ole empty mouf, and no cheers in de
parlar.
SISTER TAYLOR
I kin git all de teeth I wants--I'd ruther not have no cheers in my
parlor than to have them ole snags you got in yo' mouf. I'd ruther gum
it out.
LINDSAY
You don't _ruther_ gum it out, you _hafta_ gum it out. You ain't got
no teeth. Dey better send out to dat ole mule and git you some
teethes.
SISTER LEWIS
Joe Lindsay, don't you know no better than to strain wid folks ain't
got sense enough to tote guts to a bean? If they ain't born wid no
sense you cna't learn 'em none.
LINDSAY
You sho done tole whut God love now. (Glaring across the aisle) Ain't
got enough gumption to kill a buzzard.
(Enter Lum by front door with gavel in one hand and mule bone in the
other. He walks importantly up the aisles and hands Clarke the gavel
and lays the bone atop the pulpit.)
CLARKE
(rapping sharply with gavel) Here! You moufy wimmen shut up. (to Lum)
Lum, go on back there and shut dem wimmen up or put 'em outa here.
(Lum starts walking importantly down the aisle towards Sister Taylor.
she almost rises to meet him.)
SISTER TAYLOR
Lum Boger, you fresh little snot you! Don't you dast to come here
trying to put _me_ out--Many diapers as I done pinned on _you_! Git
way from me befo' I knock every nap off of yo' head, one by one.
(Lum hurries away from her apologetically. He turns towards Mrs.
Lewis.)
MRS. LEWIS
Deed Godknows you better not lay de weight of yo' hand on _me_, Lum.
Here you ain't dry behind de ears yert and come telling _me_ what to
do. Gwan way from here before I kick yo' clothes up round you' neck
like a horse collar.
(Lum goes on back and takes his seat beside the prisoner.)
CLARKE
(glaring ferociously) This court is set and I'm bound to have some
order or else. (The talking ceases. Absolute quiet)
CLARKE
Now less git down to business. We got folks in dis town dat's just
like a snake in de grass.
SISTER BOGER
Brother Mayor! We ain't got no business going into no trial nor
northin' else 'thout a word of prayer--to be sure de right spirit is
wid us.
VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE
Thass right,--Elder Simms, give us a word of prayer. (He rises
hurriedly.)
VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE
This is a Baptist Church and de pastor is settin' right here--how come
he can't pray in his own church?
VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE
Y'all done started all dis mess--how you going to git de right spirit
here? Go head, Rev. Simms.
VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE
He can't pray over me. Dis Church says one Lord, one faith, one
Baptism--and a man that ain't never been baptised atall ain't got no
business praying over nobody.
CLARKE
(rapping with gavel) Less sing! Somebody raise a tune.
(VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE begins "Onward Christian Soldiers" and the
others join in.)
(VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE begins "All hail the power of Jesus name" and
the Methodists join in.
Both shout as loud as they can to the end of
the verse.)
(Mayor Clarke raps loudly for order at the end of the verse and lifts
his hands as if to bless a table)
CLARKE
(praying) Lord be withus and bless these few remarks we are about to
receive, Amen. Now this court is open for business. All of us know we
came here on serious business. This town is bout to be tore up by
back-biting and malice. Now everybody that's a witness in this case
stand up. I wants the witness to take the front seat.
(Nearly everybody in the room rises. Brother Hambo frowns across the
aisle at Mrs. McDuffy, who is standing.)
BROTHER HAMBO
Whut _you_ doing standin' up for a witness? I know you wasn't there.
You don't know one thing about it.
SISTER McDUFFY
I got just as much right to testify as you is. I don't keer if I
wasn't there. Any man that treat they wife bad as _you_ can't tell
nobody else they eye is black. You clean round yo' _own_ door before
you go sweeping round other folks.
SISTER LINDSAY
(to Nixon) What you doin' up there testifying? When you done let yo'
hawg root up all my p'tater patch.
NIXON
Aw shut up woman--You ain't had no taters for no pit to root up.
SISTER LINDSAY
Who ain't had no taters? (To Lige) Look here, Lige, didn't I git a
whole crokus sack full of tater slips from yo' brother Sam?
LIGE
(reluctantly) Yeah.
SISTER LINDSAY
Course I had sweet p'taters! And if you stand up there and tell _me_ I
ain't had no p'taters I'll be all over you just like gravy over rice.
NIXON
Aw shut up--We ain't come here to talk about yo' tater vines, we come--
SISTER LINDSAY
(to her husband) Joe! What kind of a husband is you? Set here and let
Nixon 'buse me out lak dat!
WALTER
How is he going to give anybody a straightening when he needs
straightening hisself. I bought a load of compost from him and _paid
for it in advance_ and he come there when I wasn't home and dumped a
half-a-load in there and drove on off wid my money.
SISTER HAMBO
Aw, you ain't got no right to talk, Walter, not low down as you is--if
somebody stump their toe in dis town you won't let yo' shirt-tail
touch you till you bolt over to Maitland and puke yo' guts to de white
folks--and God knows I 'bominates a white folks nigger.
WALTER
Aw you just mad cause I wouldn't let your old starved-out cow eat up
my cow-peas.
SISTER HAMBO
(triumphantly) Unhumh! I knowed you was the one knocked my cow's horn
off! And you lied like a doodle-bug going backwards in his hole and
made out you didn't do it.
WALTER
I didn't do no such a thing.
SISTER HAMBO
I say you did and belong to Macedonia Baptist Church and I can't lie.
WALTER
Yo' mouf is cut cross ways, ain't it? Well then, yo' mouf ain't no
prayer-book even if yo' lips do flap like a Bible. You kin lie and
then re-lie.
DEACON HAMBO
Walter Thomas talk dat biggity talk to me, not to my wife. Maybe you
kin whip her, but if you can't whip me too, don't bring de mess up.
CLARKE
(rapping) Y'all men folks shut up before I put you both under arrest.
Come to order everybody.
LINDSAY
I just wants say this before we go any further. Nobody bet not slur my
wife in here--do I'll strow 'em all over de county.
MRS. NIXON
Aw, youse de nastiest threatener in three states but I ain't seen you
do nothin'. De seat of yo' pants is too close to de ground for you to
be crowin' so loud. You so short you smell right earthy.
MRS. LINDSAY
De seat of yo' husband's britches been draggin' de ground ever since I
knowed him. Don't like it dontcher take it, here's my collar come and
shake it. (She puts the palms of her hands together and holding the
heels together, flaps the fore part of her hands like a gator opening
and shutting its mouth. This infuriates Mrs. Nixon.
CLARKE
Shut up! We didn't come here to wash and iron niggers. We come here
for a trial. (raps)
MRS. NIXON
(to Clarke) I ain't going to shut up nothin' of de kind. Think I'm
going to let her low-rate me and I take it all? Naw indeed. I'm going
to sack dis female out before we any further go.
MRS. LINDSAY
Aw, I done dished you out too many times. Go head on and try to keep
yo' lil squatty husband away from down on de lake wid wimmens and
you'll have _all_ you can do. How does old heavy-hipted mama talk?
(snaps her fingers)
MRS. NIXON
Nobody wouldn't have you if he could get anybody else.
(She makes a circle with her thum and first finger and
holds it up for Mrs. Lindsay to see.) Come thru--don't
you feel cheap?
CLARKE
Sister Nixon, shut up!
SISTER NIXON
You can't shut me up, not the way you live. When you quit beatin Mrs.
Mattie and dominizing her all de time then you kin tell other folks
what to do. You ain't none of my boss. Don't let yo' wooden God and
corn-stalk Jesus fool you now. Now de way you sells rancid bacon for
fresh.
NIXON
Aw, honey, hush a while, please and less git started.
(A momentary quiet falls on the place. Mayor glowers all over the
place. Turns to Lum.)
CLARKE
Lum, git a piece of paper and a pencil and take de names of all de
witnesses _who was dere while de fight was going on_.
LUM
(Pulling a small tablet and pencil out of his coat pocket) I brought
it with me.
CLARKE
Now everybody who was at de fight hold up yo' hands so Lum can know
who you are.
(Several hands go up. Sister Anderson puts up her hand.)
CLARKE
You wasn't there, Sister Anderson, not at that time.
SISTER ANDERSON
I hadn't been gone more'n ten minutes 'fore Dave come in from de
woods.
CLARKE
But you didn't see it.
SISTER ANDERSON
It don't make no difference--my husband heered every word was spoke
and told me jes' lak it happen. Don't tell _me_ I can't testify.
DEACON HAMBO
Nobody can't testify but de two boys cause nobody wuz at de fight but
dem.
SISTER ANDERSON
Dat's all right too, Brother, but I know whut they wuz fightin' about
an' it wudn't no turkey neither. It wuz Daisy Blunt.
MRS. BLUNT
Just you take my chile's name right out yo' mouf, Becky Anderson. She
wuznt out in dat cypress swamp. Leave her out dis mess.
REV. SIMMS
You ain't got no call to be so touchous bout yo' girl, but you sho
said a mouthful, Sister Blunt. Dis sho is a mess. Can't help from
being uh mess. (glares at Mayor) Holdin' a trial in de Baptist Church!
Some folks ain't got sense enough todo 'em till four o'clock and its
way after half past tree right
now.
MAYOR
Shet up, dere, Simms! Set down! Who ast yo' pot to boil, nohow! Court
is de best church they is, anyhow, cause you come in court. You better
have a good experience and a strong determination. (raps vigorously)
Now lemme tell _y'all_ something. When de Mayor sets Court--don't keer
when I sets it nor where I sets it, you got to git quiet and stay
quiet till I ast you tuh talk. I God, you sound lak a tree full uh
blackbirds! Dis ain't no barbecue, nor neither no camp meetin'. We
'sembled here tuh law uh boy on a serious charge. (A great buzz rises
from the congregation. Mayor raps hard for order and glares all about
him.) Hear! Hear! All of us kin sing at de same time, but can't but
one of us talk at a time. I'm doin' de talkin' now, so de rest of you
dry up till I git through. I God, you sound lak uh passle uh dog
fights! We ain't here for no form and no fashion and no outside show
to de world. Wese here to law. (to Lum) You done got all de witnesses
straight--Got they names down?
LUM
Yessuh, I got it all straightened out.
CLARKE
Well, read de names out and let de witnesses take de front seats.
LUM
Mr. Clarke, I done found out nobody wasn't at dat fight but Jim and
Dave and de mule bones. Dere's de bone Dave got hit wid up on de
rostrum and deres Jim and Dave in de Amen Corners.
DAVE
(rising excitedly) Mist' Clarke! Brother Mayor, I wants to ast uh
question right now to git some information.
MAYOR
All right, Dave, go head and ast it.
DAVE
Brother Mayor, I wanted to know whut become of my turkey gobbler?
MAYOR
I God, Dave, youse in order. Lum! I God, I been layin' off to ast you
whut you dont wid dat turkey. Where is it?
(A burst of knowing laughter from the house)
LUM
(very embarrassed) Well, when you tole me to go 'rrest Jim and de
turkey, I took and went on round to his ma's house and he wudnt dere
so I took and turnt round and made it t'wards Daisy's house an' I
caught up wid him under dat China-berry tree jest befo' you gits tuh
Daisy's house. He was makin' it on t'wards her house wid de turkey in
one hand--his gun crost his shoulder when I hailed 'im. I hollered
"Jim, hold on dere uh minute!" He dropped de turkey and wheeled and
throwed de gun on me.
MAYOR CLARKE
I God, he drawed uh gon on de City Marshall?
LUM
Yessir! He sho did. Thought I was Dave. Tole me: "Don't you come
another step unless you want to see yuh Jesus." I hollered back "It's
me, I ain't no Dave Carter." So he took de gun offa me and I went up
to him and put him under arrest, and locked him up in yo' barn and
brought _you_ de key, didn't I?
CLARKE
You sho did, but I God, I ast you whut become of de turkey?
LUM
De turkey wasn't picked or nothin', so I put him under 'rrest too,
jus' lak you tole me. (general laughter)
CLARKE
I God, Lum, whut did you _do_ wid de turkey after you put him under
'rrest?
LUM
Jim, he didn't want to come wid me till he could make it to Daisy's
house to give her det turkey but, bein so close up on him till he
couldn't draw his rifle, I throwed my 32:20 in his face an' tole him I
said "Don't you move! Don't you move uh pig do I'll burn you down! I
got my burner cocked dead in yo' face and I'll keer you down jus' lak
good gas went up. Come on wid me!" So I took his rifle and picked up
de turkey and marched him off to yo' cow-lot. Ast him didn't I do it.
I tole him, I said "I know you Westons goes for bad but I'm yo' match.
I said you may be slick but you kin stand another greasing. Now sir! I
ain't skeered uh nobody. I'll put de whole town under 'rrest.
MAYOR CLARKE
I God, Lum, if you don't tell me whut you done wid dat turkey, you
better! (draws back the gavel as if to hurl it at Lum) I'll lam you
over de head wid dis mallet! Whut did you do wid dat gobbler turkey?
LUM
Being as he wasn't picked or nothin', I know you didn't want to be
bothered wid it, so I took and carried it over to Mrs. Blunt's house
and she put on some hot water and we set up way Sat'day night pickin
de turkey and fixin him so nex' day she cooked him off--just sorta
De Turkey and De Law Page 5
