Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  “She’s a great dog. Always wanted one,” he said wistfully as he watched Missy give chase.

  “You’ve never had a dog?” she asked in bewilderment.

  “My mom,” she heard the undertone of disgust in his voice, “wasn’t much of a homemaker. I have three younger brothers, and she could barely keep a roof over our head, let alone food on the table.”

  “Three brothers? But your dad?” Lou was puzzled.

  “My brothers have a different father. He was pretty decent, but could not put up with my mom with the drugs. She got put away a couple of times, and when she got two years that last time, he left her, and took his kids. I was eleven and ended up in foster care until she got out. That’s when I found out he wasn’t my dad. I only found about my real dad when I was seventeen, and then I only met him about seven years ago.”

  “Wow! I mean, I remember him saying he wasn’t around much when you were little, but . . .” Lou was baffled.

  “He didn’t know I existed.” His statement was made simply, matter-of-factly. “Like I said, my brothers were James’ sons, and he was decent to me. He wanted to take me, but he had no biological claim, and because he had been in some trouble and was planning on leaving the state, DCF wouldn’t let him have me. He stayed in touch, sent me cards and stuff for my birthday and Christmas, but we kind of lost touch after a while. I found out about my dad, when I was going into the military. Needed a birth certificate. My mother finally told me a bit about him, but lied for the most part. She told me my dad got her pregnant on his way to Nam, and she said she told him about me when she went away to prison when I was eleven. She told me he didn’t want me. Anyway, it turned out that was a lie. But, I stupidly believed her. I called him once when I was seventeen, bitched him out and hung up. Called him all sorts of names. Then signed up, and I guess he looked for me, but I did my basic, and was sent to Iraq. He wrote, but I ripped up the first few letters and never read them. I didn’t want to hear his excuses and I definitely didn’t want to see him then. But, that is a story for another time, Lou. I don’t want to talk about it anymore anyway, and hey, we’ve got celebrating to do.” He changed the subject abruptly and his tone was one of false happiness.

  “Okay, but I don’t mind. I’d like to get to know you better.” She didn’t want to pressure him, but this was the most he had ever talked about his past with her. Her heart went out to him. She had a rough start as well, but at least she had two loving and supportive parents. It was her choices that had gotten her in trouble. But because of their guidance and good friends, she had been able to turn her life around.

  He saw the worried expression on her face, but he hated reminiscing about the past. It brought back other memories, worse ones. And he knew he couldn’t go there. Ever. “Another time,” he said softly putting her off and pulling her in. He kissed her quiet. Missy was back bumping his leg with her nose. “Okay girl,” he laughed. “A few more throws then I am taking my best girl to dinner.”

  Dinner was at Pine Island. Lou had to laugh. The state run beach had a shack that served seafood. It wasn’t her idea of a dinner date, but Lou loved it. Jay always surprised her. Eating outside, and the smell of the sea and the view of the ocean was amazing. “Great idea!” she moaned as she popped a friend clam from a paper box into her mouth.

  “Yeah, the food is decent, and the view is even better,” Jay said eyes sparkling at her. Lou blushed.

  “I like the view as well.” Lou blushed at her attempt to return the compliment, and dabbed her greasy lips with a paper napkin.

  “You talking about me,” he stated loudly looking around at the other patrons, and laughed. There were five other tables with umbrellas over them, and they were all full. The kids at one table looked over and laughed. “She thinks I look good!” he flexed his arms at the teens and one of them winked at him encouraging him on.

  “Yes, I’m talking about you, silly,” she blushed even more as the other tables began laughing as well.

  “Well, I better keep working out, or else you might lose interest.” He popped his muscles in his chest making them jump, and the teens burst out laughing.

  “Never!” Lou laughed along with them.

  They finished eating while he continued to tease her. They took a stroll to the dock and then made their way slowly back to the bike. It was nearing five when her phone rang. She looked at her cell, and saw it was from Annie, and clasped the phone to her chest.

  “It’s Annie, the realtor,” she clarified when she saw his puzzled expression.

  “Answer it,” he encouraged as he got the helmets ready.

  “Hello,” Lou answered nervously.

  “Hey girl, it’s Annie. I got some good news!” the New Yorker chirped into the phone.

  “Yes, you do? What is it, Annie?” Lou’s heart rate sped up.

  “Well, I could only get him down to 50K, but he is willing to pick up the closing costs.”

  “Do you think that’s good?” Lou asked her eyes widening.

  “If it passes inspection, it’s a great price. But the only thing is he wants to close this week. He’s going to be in town this week for Thanksgiving, so it would save him from coming back down.”

  “This week?” This was moving fast. She had the pre-approval from the bank. Would they be able to cut a check in time, she thought.

  “Yes, this week. I can get an inspector out there tomorrow. Can you get off work for a bit on your lunch hour maybe? He is flying in Wednesday, Thursday is Thanksgiving, and so Friday we should be able to close.”

  “Friday?” her voice came out like a squeak.

  “Yeah, Friday. If you want to accept the counter that is?”

  “Um, yeah. Let’s do this!” she said gleefully. “The office is closed Friday, so I can do that.” She had just accepted. She was going to be a home owner. Her own home. Just like Emma in her favorite book.

  “Okay, wonderful! Well, I need to come see you tonight then. I have some papers for you to sign to make the offer official and I need to fax them to his realtor. I can be at Ana’s about eight. Is that okay?”

  “Yes! Yes! I’ll be there.” Lou was beyond excited and did a little twirl still clasping the phone to her ear.

  “Okay. See you in a couple of hours then. Congratulations, Lou!”

  “Thank you Annie. Okay, bye,” Lou hung up and turned to Jay who was smiling down at her. Seeing her excitement had given it away and he was happy for her.

  “You got the house!” Jay beamed.

  “I got the house!” Lou stated and then threw her arms around Jay’s neck. He lifted her and twirled her around in the air. She got the house!

  The following week flew by. The house needed work, but passed inspection. No mold. Yes! The pipes were good, the roof had leaked, but had been caught before any serious problems had occurred. The AC was six months old, replaced when the roof had been done. The wiring was good. Dr. Fairbanks, Jay’s father had been great. He had let her take a two hour lunch for the inspection. Because Jay was in classes from Monday to Wednesday, they had not seen each other much. They texted and talked, but because she was busy in the evenings with packing and furniture shopping for her new home she began to miss him. Her new home! She still couldn’t believe it. They had agreed to wait until the Thursday to see each other, which was Thanksgiving.

  On Wednesday, Dr. Fairbanks had invited her over to his place for Thanksgiving, telling her he would like to get to know her better since she was dating his son. She had been planning on spending Thanksgiving with Monica, still glum over her break up, but getting better, and Monica’s mom and step dad. Ana was off to meet the entire O’Rourke clan, and there was no way in hell she was planning on tagging along on that adventure.

  She accepted because she knew Monica had some kind of race the next day and would want to leave early anyway. She figured Monica could use the quiet time with her mom, anyhow.

  And Thanksgiving had gone well. While Jay and his step-mom worked in the kitchen, Jay’s dad offer
ed her a tour of the house and the grounds. Dr. Fairbanks’s home was gorgeous. He lived in Hernando Beach and the homes there were quite remarkable. Massive structures, three stories high, on the gulf with beautiful beach views in the back of the homes, and private piers for the owners and their boats. Jay’s father had a nice one, she saw, as he pointed it out to her from the terrace off the kitchen.

  Dr. Fairbanks also used the opportunity alone to tell her his own story and give her more insight into Jay. He wanted her to know some things about Jay as well. Lou got a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach at that pronouncement. He wanted her to be aware that Jay had quite a rough childhood. She eased up a bit when he began speaking because she knew some of it from her outing with Jay last week, and the other things he told her she had pieced together herself.

  Jay’s mom had been a drug addict, in fact still was. Jay had been in and out of foster care in Arizona from the time he was eleven until he turned seventeen. He had not known who his dad was until he was seventeen and Jay had thought he didn’t want him in his life. That’s when he had gone into the army. He did four years, most of it in Iraq. The Gulf War, and the reconstruction period. He was lucky he had never been shot, or hurt, but had seen many of his soldier buddies die around him. When he returned from the war he was fucked up by it. The first year home had been horrible for him. Dr. Fairbanks’ eyes lingered on Lou when he told her this part, and the funny feeling she had earlier came back. He said that part of the story was Jay’s to tell. He couldn’t say more. He stressed the final part of this to Lou. His childhood was horrendous, Iraq and reconstruction was nightmare, but it was when he returned home at 23 that he went through hell.

  Lou tried to question him about it, but Dr. Fairbanks shook his head. “Jay told me he mentioned to you that he had PTSD?”

  “Yes, he did,” Lou confirmed.

  “Okay, just wanted to be sure.” He nodded and continued, “He had PTSD real bad when he came back, and a lot of bad things happened to him because of it. It took him awhile to get help. That’s when he allowed me into his life. He reached out to me then,” Dr. Fairbanks’ eyes were watery at this point in the conversation. His voice was thick with emotion. “I finally was a father to him. I was his last hope, Lou.”

  “I don’t know what it is you are talking about, doctor, but you were there for him when he needed you and that’s what counts.” Lou tried to comfort the suddenly overcome man.

  “I just wish I knew him sooner. All those years,” he sounded bitter. “When he was seventeen I found out about him. I tried to reach out to him, I sent him letters and stuff. But she never let him see them. Then those he did get, he told me he didn’t read. I should have gone out to Arizona sooner, when I first heard about him, but by the time I did he was in Iraq. I will always regret not getting on a plane before he went to basic and Iraq. I was too much of a coward.”

  “You didn’t know,” Lou patted his hand.

  “Pam, his mom, said he didn’t want to see me. I stopped trying for a while. He called me once, and gave me hell. Didn’t give me a chance to even speak. Then he sent me a fuck you letter when he was eighteen and already in Iraq. Spilled about his life. I had a hard time tracking him down after that and the military wouldn’t give me any information except a base to send his mail to with the promise that it would be forwarded. He was an adult then.” Dr. Fairbanks shook his head, and cleared the moisture from his eyes. “I should have tried harder.”

  “You did what you could,” Lou offered as a condolence, and knew it came off lame, but she didn’t know what else to say.

  “These past four years have been the best of my life, Lou. Since Jay has moved to Florida, we have grown quite close. I was shot in Nam and couldn’t have kids. Thought I would never have them.”

  “Oh my God,” Lou clutched her chest. This family had been through hell. All of them.

  “I am thankful I have him now.” Dr. Fairbanks cleared his throat.

  “He’s lucky to have you.” Lou nodded. She was thankful for a lot of things this year, but whispered a tiny prayer to heaven that Jay and his father had reconnected.

  “He’s lucky to have you too, Lou.” This time the doctor reached out and patted her hand. Yes, he was thankful for that.

  With dinner over, Lou, Jay, Dr. Fairbanks and his wife all sat in the living room and chatted while watching football. It felt like a real Thanksgiving watching the two men slap each other on the back and taking sips from their beers. Lou wished her daughter could have been a part of this, but sighed contentedly as she sat back. The pieces of the puzzle seemed to be falling into place. All seemed right in the world.

  The closing on Friday was done quickly, and Jay was there at her new home waiting for her. He had put in extra hours at the airport during the evenings when she had been shopping so he could help her move in. Ana and Teddy were there as well. Monica had her race, and so Lou made the introductions. Jay was not shy in the least. He liked Teddy right away. The two men set to divvying up the tasks that needed to be done, and got on it.

  The previous owner had hired a crew to come out early that morning and haul out all the old furniture and sweep the place out. Teddy and Jay began hauling out the paint cans and rollers and equipment they needed. Lou’s stuff was all packed in the car, and waiting to be unloaded. She had ordered some furniture that would be delivered the next day, a bed room set for her and her daughter, a living room set, the appliances, and a kitchen table and chairs. She would get what else she needed in the next few weeks, but the priority was painting. When all the cans were deposited into the living room, the men looked to her for direction, but then Jay stopped them all when he saw the wall that needed repair and he asked her about it.

  “I was going to do that later,” she explained.

  “No sense painting that,” he reached for a notebook she had placed on the counter earlier, and begin to scribble on it. They all just watched him, and then he handed Teddy the list. “Can you go pick these things up with your truck?” he asked.

  Teddy looked at the list. “Yeah, it should all fit.”

  “It should only cost a couple of hundred.” He looked at Lou. “It’s stuff to fix the wall. I can do it.”

  “Are you sure?” she asked reaching for her purse.

  “Absolutely,” he told her. “I did a lot of drywall work in Arizona during the summers during high school.”

  “That would be fantastic!” Lou said as she handed the money to Teddy.

  “You want to ride shot gun?” Teddy asked Jay.

  “No, I’ll stay here and set the girls up for painting,” Jay stated and turned back to the cans.

  “Painting?” Ana groaned. “I’m here for moral support.”

  Everyone laughed. “You can do trim,” Jay teased. “If you’re careful you won’t even chip a nail.”

  “Oh, you know me already,” Ana teased looking at her perfectly manicured nails. They all laughed. Teddy said his goodbyes and made off.

  Jay took charge, and had the girls start in the master bedroom, and he set to work in the second bedroom. Lou had chosen a pale blue for her room, and pale lavender for her daughter’s. They had been painting just a little over an hour when Teddy returned from his errand. The girls had finished two walls in the master room, and Jay was done with three in the smaller of the two rooms. The man worked fast, and he had done an excellent job. No drips.

  Teddy helped Jay cut out the drywall that was in need of repair as the girls finished the two rooms. The rooms sparkled with the fresh paint and the place smelled of it. They opened the windows to help it to dry faster and they all decided a break was in order with two rooms done and the drywall.

  The foursome ordered a pizza and relaxed in the Florida room while waiting for the pie to arrive. Missy was happily sniffing around her new yard as they enjoyed a beer after a long afternoon of hard work. After dinner, Teddy and Ana made their exit. He had a lot of family in town for the weekend, but Ana promised to come check on her the following we
ekend, and hugged her friend goodbye tearfully. The guys laughed at their silliness, but Lou knew now that she had her own place they would both miss the long chats they had enjoyed each night.

  When Teddy and Ana had left, Lou wanted to tackle the bathrooms next before calling it a night, and so each took one room and Jay was done before she was completed half of the master bath. While she finished up her bathroom also in blue, he did the ceilings of the bedrooms. By nine they were exhausted and Missy was asleep in her doggy bed in the Florida room. Lou was beat and wanted to crawl in beside her. It had been a long, long day.

  Jay offered to go to her car seeing how exhausted Lou looked. He grabbed some blankets that she had brought, and laid them out in the Florida room. He had asked her to come sleep by his place, but she wanted to be here, in her new home this first night.

  He had told her he understood. It was a big deal. So, Lou was going to rough it tonight on the floor, but she had lots of soft blankets and pillows. Lou wanted to get in the shower, but Jay suggested that instead of the shower, they could take a dip in the canal. The water was fresh and clean and had a constant temperature of seventy-six degrees year round, as it was fresh water fed from the Weeki Wachee River that flowed nearby.

  Lou longed for a hot shower, but the look in his eyes bespoke of mischief and he had worked so hard today that she didn’t want to disappoint him. Lou made her way over to her car and grabbed her duffle bag from the front seat. She hadn’t packed a suit in it, just a few outfits and night things. She would need to swim in her bra and panties, and she had a little tank top in there that would have to do. Jay just stripped down to his boxers.

  Jay jumped right out, coming up with a whoosh of air. “A bit chilly, but not too bad he cautioned her. You’ll get used to it fast.”

  “Are you sure it’s seventy-six degrees?” she hugged herself. The night had a bit of chill in it.

  “Chicken,” he teased and splashed some water up at her. The cold hit her, but didn’t last.