Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  “You don’t trust him then?” Ana sat back in her chair still puzzling it over. Was it him she didn’t trust, or was it herself?

  “I guess . . . I don’t.” Louisa sagged against the table resting her head on her folded arms.

  “Is it that you don’t trust him, or that you won’t trust him, or any man for that matter?” Ana’s eyebrows were raised awaiting Louisa’s response.

  “I . . . I don’t know.” Her eyes were dry now, but she looked just as forlorn as she had the moment she climbed up the stairs.

  “Well, there is only one way to find out?” Ana stated pushing back from the table. “Coffee?” she asked.

  “Yes, please,” she replied to the offer of coffee. “What way?” Ana’s questions were confusing her.

  “You’ve got to talk to him.” Ana said to Lou while pouring the coffee.

  “I don’t know if I can do that. Really? You think so?” Lou’s chest constricted. Fear settled there, and something else. Something she couldn’t put her finger on.

  “I’m afraid so. You owe it to yourself to hear his explanation and find out why he blew up like that. You could always ask his father if you are too afraid to be with him. Or meet him in public? I can come and be there, as well, if it will make you feel safer,” Ana suggested as she approached the table with two steaming mugs.

  Louisa reached for one gratefully. She was parched from all the tears. Dehydrated. “I don’t know about asking his dad. Or meeting him,” she added.

  “Well, it’s gotta be one or the other, Lou. If you love him, and he probably loves you too, if his puppy eyes mean for you what I think they mean, then you owe it to one another to find out.” Ana reached for Lou’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. She didn’t think Jay would hurt her. She really didn’t.

  The tightness in Lou’s chest snaked around her heart like a boa constrictor. She just wasn’t sure. When she had first come to know Robert, he had swept her off her feet, and treated her like a princess until he had gotten into her pants. Then everything had changed. Then, she saw the real Robert. Could she see Jay again? Be near him and hear what he had to say without ice dripping in her veins and fear coursing through her? She just didn’t know and she was still to raw to think about it right now.

  “I need to think about this some more, Ana. I don’t want to make another mistake. It could be the worst one of my life.”

  Sunday evening, forty-eight plus hours later, and she still had no plan. She also had other reasons to be afraid. Her emotions were in check today, mostly, but her head still lay in a jumbled mass of confusion. Her worries now, focused on work tomorrow. She needed to go in and she would. But, would Dr. Fairbanks know? Would he fire her or ask her to look for other work? Would anyone else at the office be aware of what was going on for that matter? Could she face the questions, the rumor mills and the gossip?

  Squaring her shoulders, she headed to bed with one last look out her sliders, across the canal to Jay’s. It still lay in darkness. He had not been home all weekend. Even though, she wasn’t sure if she could pursue this relationship with him, she was still worried about him. It had been a long day, and tomorrow would be another one.

  When Lou woke up, thankfully rested, her head was clearer. Two nights of very little sleep, and two days of constant confusion, her mind working overtime to try to figure out what her next step should be, had allowed her to collapse into slumber. She had slept hard, and without dreams. She let Missy out the back doors, and couldn’t help but glance across the canal to Jay’s place again. Would she always be looking fearfully for signs of him, she thought, and turned away in disgust.

  Despite her anger at herself, she was not only afraid, but worried about him. He was still not home. She couldn’t help wondering where he had gone. Enough wondering, she told herself as she turned sharply towards the kitchen to make coffee. Work. Focus. Get through the day.

  That was the mantra running through her head. Coffee made, and perking, she went to her room to dress. She had showered the night before. She selected grey dress slacks, and a pale blue shimmery blouse. She loved blue, and it always complimented her pink and cream complexion. Because she had slept, her face looked less swollen and puffy. She went to the bathroom to apply just a touch of makeup, and then to the kitchen to get coffee. Missy was back at the door waiting to come in. She let her in, and filled her water dish and food bowl for the day. “Sorry, Missy. I’ll give you a nice brisk walk tonight. Mommy’s going to make it up to you. I am packing my lunch today. How about a piece of ham.” Missy’s tail began wagging fiercely. She loved these occasional treats.

  With Missy happy, taking scraps from her hand as she made her lunch, Lou felt a bit better. Her dog could brighten her mood even in the darkest of hours. Veronica would be here in a few days and Missy would get spoiled rotten by her as well. Veronica, just four days. That brought a smile to Lou’s face. Her first smile in two long days.

  Her black mood returned in a nanosecond. She had told her daughter about Jay, and her daughter had been thrilled for her. She was excited about meeting him. What would she tell her now? Ah, she would worry about that later. Work, focus, and get through the day.

  At work Lou parked her car, and to her surprise she saw Dr. Fairbanks waiting outside. He waved when he saw her and smiled tentatively. Although her stomach dropped to the floor, it was encouraging.

  She grabbed her purse, and got out of the car, locking it. She returned the wave, and he began to cross the parking lot towards her.

  “Louisa, so glad you came in early. I’ve been waiting for you.” His smile was genuine and thoughtful as he neared her.

  “You have?” she questioned trying to appear nonchalant.

  “Yes, I have,” he gave her a sad quizzical little smile, and the smile she had plastered on her face faltered a bit. “Jay has been with me all weekend, my dear. He’s been staying on the boat. He is fine, by the way. The first night was rough, but I got him calmed down. He is trying to keep his distance, and give you space.”

  She was relieved to hear he was okay, although the space comment confused her. He was safe, he hadn’t done anything stupid and she was grateful for that. She had imagined all kinds of crazy things from wrapping his bike around a tree, to going on a binge or rampage and taking his anger out in some other unhealthy manner. “I’m glad,” she said honestly as he took her elbow in a fatherly manner and began walking her toward the entrance.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re glad.” Dr. Fairbanks looked down on her kindly searching her face for some kind of sign, she presumed. He continued as they crossed the parking lot. “No one is in yet, and we will have a chance to talk. I thought it might make it easier for you. There are no patients until ten, and I told Bella not to come in until nine today. We need to talk. Perhaps clear this thing up.” He looked hopeful.

  Her stomach dropped again. “We do? You think so.” Her voice came out in a squeak.

  “Yes, we do. And, I hope so,” he replied to both her question and her comment as she had done. “I have some things I wish to share with you about my son, Louisa. Some things I still can’t say, of course.” They were at the elevator now. The doors slid open, and they were the only passengers to step inside. “Louisa, first I want to tell you not to worry about your job. I want you to stay, and I hope you want to stay as well. But I will leave that up to you, of course. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. If you want to leave, I’ll help you, but I hope you want to stay.”

  “I do,” she stated but she could tell there was no conviction in her voice even though she wasn’t sure she could. She hoped they could get past this and continue to work together professionally. She just didn’t know if it would be possible.

  “I’m glad to hear it,” he paused then as the lights on the panel of the elevator blinked showing them climbing higher. The elevator gave a small lurch as it stopped on the fifth floor. They both stepped out into the corridor, and began to make their way to the suites of offices used by Dr. F
airbanks and Dr. Carroll. He unlocked and opened the door.

  The smell of coffee hit her and startled her at the same time. She thought he had told her that Bella wouldn’t be in until later. He saw her bewilderment and clarified immediately. “I was in earlier and I made the coffee,” he smiled sheepishly. Bella usually made it for the office. “I hope it is okay,” he joked.

  She gave the doctor a small smile and laughed softly as Bella had often told her that the few times he had made it, it had been horribly strong, black and bitter.

  “I’m sure it will be fine, Doctor,” she added putting on a brave face.

  “Why don’t you go sit in my office, and I’ll be in with some coffee.” Lou nodded and proceeded past him to her own office. She dropped her things off, purse and lunch bag, before heading down to Dr. Fairbanks. She peered into the normally welcoming room. But today, it didn’t appear so welcoming. She looked around for a place to sit, and her options were limited. She could plant herself across the desk from him in the upright chair, or, she swallowed nervously, the sofa. Psychiatrists really had them, and Dr. Fairbanks was no exception.

  She heard him coming down the hall behind her, but was still unsure of where to sit. He laughed behind her, seeing her insecurity. “The desk is too uncomfortable and formal for our little chat, Louisa, but if you feel more comfortable, you can take the wing back chair and I’ll take the sofa,” he offered.

  Louisa laughed nervously, and nodded. She made her way to the paisley wing back and sat back into its plushness. He set their cups down and then he sat on the edge of the sofa closest to her. Once they were both settled, he handed her a cup of steaming coffee. She sniffed at it uncertainly, blew on the surface, and took a tiny sip. A bit strong, but not overly so.

  “Not too bad, right,” he said taking a sipping of his own. “I must be getting better.”

  She laughed softly along with him, and put her cup on the coffee table beside her. She sighed feeling uncomfortable and waited for the inquisition to begin.

  “Louisa, dear. First of all, I want you to know that Jay told me what happened. His perception of the evening, anyhow.” He paused giving her moment to digest that, and then continued. “He said he had an episode of PTSD. He said you asked him to leave, and that you appeared frightened. He was very worried about you. He cares for you deeply. He was crushed that you wouldn’t give him the opportunity to explain. But that is his side, and I’d like to hear yours.” Louisa reached for her cup, took a sip and set it back down. Dr. Fairbanks waited patiently. “I’d love for you to tell me how you viewed the events. If you don’t mind, that is? Maybe we can clear this up?”

  “Well, I don’t think it is that simple,” Louisa began. When Dr. Fairbanks remained silent looking at her with nothing but kindness, she felt compelled to continue. “What he told you was true, but it was more than just that. I mean I think so. It seemed more than PTSD to me.”

  “Why do you think that, Louisa?” he asked, encouraging her to go on, tilting his head to the side to show his curiosity in her perception of the events that occurred on Thursday.

  Louisa felt the tell-tale lump begin to form in her throat. “Well, it started with him yelling. He-he yelled at me for talking about my daughter. I was just recounting my day to him, and suddenly he blew up. He was angry. He said some hurtful things. Then he was cursing and screaming. I don’t know what triggered it. Isn’t there usually some kind of trigger with PTSD?” she asked. At his nod, she continued. “Well, there wasn’t though. No loud noises, no jerky movements, nothing that I could tell. Then, he stood up very abruptly. It sent his chair flying back, he nearly flipped the table. He began yelling, screaming. Oh, I just don’t know,” she ended her explanation abruptly. She didn’t want to relive it again. She felt herself getting choked up, her voice becoming thicker. She reached for her cup, to have something to hold, to delay the next question that was sure to come.

  “Take your time, Louisa,” he encouraged. “It’s okay,” he watched her for a moment as she regained her composure. “Jay told me all those things.” Again there was a pause. “This is difficult for me, because there are some things I can’t say, I can’t break his confidence as his dad, but I can assure you there was a trigger, and it was a PTSD episode.”

  “How am I to believe that, doctor?” she burst out. “I was there, wouldn’t I have been able to pick up on it?” she demanded.

  “Not if you don’t know his whole history, Louisa.” He said it softly, and she felt there was pain in that remark. Didn’t’ she have the right to know?

  “Well, why can’t you tell me what it was?” she pleaded. “I don’t understand!” Her voice was rising in pitch.

  “He really needs to be the one to explain,” he said softly. When Lou just turned her face away, he added, “But, Jay said you wouldn’t listen, that you didn’t want to hear it then. Can I ask you why?”

  She looked at him then. His eyes showed earnestness. They searched her own eyes deeply looking for answers. “I was scared!” she blurted out.

  He nodded. “Understandably, so. But he thought it might have been something more.” He rushed on, “He said you looked terrified. You acted very defensively even when he said he would not hurt you?”

  “I didn’t believe him, and he said he had hurt someone before. That scared me too!” Again her voice came out higher in pitch and Dr. Fairbanks took note of that. “He said he hurt someone, Dr. Fairbanks. He admitted that!”

  Dr. Fairbanks’ hands reached up to rub his face hiding his expression from her momentarily. When he looked up, she was staring at him waiting for his response. He was entering dangerous ground here. Softly, he admitted, “He thinks he did, Louisa.”

  “What do you mean, he thinks he did. He either didn’t or he did? Did he or did he not hurt someone? I have a right to know the truth.” Her frustration levels were rising. This wasn’t helping her, only making her more confused than ever. Her head began to pound.

  “Darling, I am not trying to make this more confusing for you, but I can’t reveal the circumstances. It is exactly what I’ve told you. Someone was hurt. He thinks it was his fault. It wasn’t.” When Lou just shook her head from side to side, and the pained expression there only grew deeper, forming lines of worry on her pretty face, he added. “Guilt, my dear, eats away at a man. He feels very responsible for something he had no control over. Louisa, I can’t say much more. It is his story to tell. I hope you give him the chance to tell it. He may need some time though.”

  “Time?” she questioned. “For what?”

  Dr. Fairbanks sighed and again rubbed his face, revealing his own worry. He looked up and answered as best he could. “The holidays, especially Christmas are rough for him.”

  “Why?” she begged for an answer. Anything. Something!

  “I can’t say.” His tone revealed his frustration as well. He rushed forward. “I wish I could, but he is my son. Louisa, please understand that I feel strongly that he needs to do this on his own. To tell you himself. To heal his wounds. He has to realize this on his own. After the holidays are over, Lou, talk to him if he reaches out.” She heard the pleading and saw the pained expression in his eyes.

  “I don’t know.” Lou did not know if she could face him. All of this, this talk, was making it harder. Her fears were increasing, not abating it all.

  Dr. Fairbanks shook his head forlornly. “That is understandable. It is totally up to you. But, I want you to know that whatever decision you come to, your job is safe.”

  “Okay,” Lou said tiredly. This conversation was exhausting her.

  When she made to get up, he stopped her with a raised hand. “Can I ask you a question about you, Louisa?” She stopped and sat back down. “Something Jay mentioned to me?”

  She didn’t know where this might lead, but agreed. “Um, okay.”

  His look was kindly. “He said that you appeared terrified, but I remember from your interview that you had experience dealing with people with PTSD.”

  �
��I did. I mean I do.” She was puzzled. Where was he going with this?

  “Jay said you cowered in the corner.” Lou sat up straighter at his strange choice of words. At Jay’s description of her apparently. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you, and if this is too personal, forgive me. You don’t have to answer.”

  “It’s okay. Ask your question.” She had no clue where he was going with this. Might as well hear it all out, she thought.

  “You were battered as a child, an adult maybe?” His grey blue eyes, so much like Jay’s pierced her to the core.

  He had completely thrown her off guard. The pain and fear all came rushing back. Before she knew she was saying it, she answered. “I was married before, he hit me.” Her voice was thick with her emotion.

  Dr. Fairbanks knew this was hurting her, but he needed to understand for his son. “Say no more. But please, please believe me, in all my years with Jay, and although there have not been many, I know, he has never raised his hand to a woman.”

  “But he said he hurt someone,” she cried. The tears were threatening to spill.

  “Louisa, he thinks he did. In his head, yes, he believes he is responsible for hurting someone, but not in a physical sense, not the way you are thinking. His army record is clean, his years here with me are spotless, his childhood was not the greatest, but there was never physical abuse, not from what he has told me.” Lou was crying softly as he continued. He reached for the tissue box and handed her one. “The military does do background checks on their personal, psych evaluations, Louisa. They want men who are together, up here,” he tapped his head. “If he had a record, or did not pass the psych evaluation he wouldn’t have been allowed in the service.”

  “But what if it wasn’t something reported,” she croaked out. She’d never reported Robert until the last time either.

  “I can understand why you have these doubts now. And Louisa, he is my son so I understand your reluctance not to believe me, especially considering what you, yourself have been through. But I also do know Jay’s issue. I do know what caused his PTSD, I picked him up after the accident that caused it.” Accident? Louisa looked at him sharply. He paused, caught. “I’ve said too much already, but since I’ve revealed that much, I can tell you his Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is from an event that happened shortly after the war. After he came home. He lost it for a year, spiraled out of control, drinking, getting into some trouble, and then when he was hospitalized, the military sought me out. His mother was in jail again, and because I had left so many messages for him, they called me. I got him help, counselling, and it is helping. It’s this time of year, that it is the worse for him. It happened around Christmas. Can you understand that just the time of year can be a trigger? It’s more than that, I don’t want to lie to you, but this time of year truthfully makes it harder for him to cope.” Lou was trying to process it all. “And, he is getting better.” Dr. Fairbanks added and reached over to clasp her hand.