Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  “I j-just don’t know.” She slipped her hand out of his.

  Dr. Fairbanks looked down, and away. “Okay, Louisa I won’t pressure you. That was not my intent. It is your life, too. I just had to try for my son, you understand. Like you would for your daughter. I wish I could tell you everything. I see you, I can see your heart, and know you would understand, will understand if he were to tell you the whole story. And, even though I would like this nightmare to be gone for the both of you, he needs to finish the journey he started eight years ago on his own to come full circle.”

  Lou just nodded in her chair at the predicament he was in. She would plead for her daughter as well. She would do anything for Veronica. Go to the ends of the earth to help her if she could. Her tears began to subside with this dawning revelation. In the quiet of the room, Dr. Fairbanks added one more comment to his explanation. “I’m sorry if this conversation hurt so much. I had to try. I hate to say a father knows best since I have only been a father to him for these past eight years, but I wanted and needed to do this for him. Stick up for my son.” His voice too, was choked up.

  “Doctor, thank you for talking to me. I’ll think about it, okay. But, I can’t make any promises.” She got up to go, and he stood with her this time walking her to the door.

  “Oh, Louisa, sorry, just one more thing. Did you get counselling for your abuse?” he inquired.

  “Yes, yes I did,” she replied seeing the concern in his eyes for her this time.

  Again his concern for her well-being was evident when he added, “May I suggest a group to you, you may need a bit more. I suggest this as a friend only. A friend who I want very much to stay working here. If Jay and you don’t speak, I will leave that up to you. I want you to know you are safe here, and he won’t come around the office without my permission to do so. If we have lunch like we do on occasion, I will meet him out. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

  “Okay,” Lou muttered to both his advice and his assurance. She was still not sure if she could stay, but right now she just wanted to get out of here, and not think for a while. Close herself up in her office, do her job, file papers, fax orders, bill companies, and enter her codes. Things she could do without thinking. Simple for her, and it would occupy her mind until she could get home, where she would have plenty of time to think, too much time to think.

  It was Wednesday, and Lou had made it through three days of work. Dr. Fairbanks had kept his distance, and only once asked if she had thought of perhaps allowing Jay to talk to her. He had also given her a card with a contact at the Dawn Center, a shelter and counselling clinic for battered women. She thanked him for the information, but as to talking to Jay, she wasn’t sure yet, she had told him, and with the holidays and Veronica arriving Friday evening she was busy enough at home to put thoughts of Jay in the back of her mind. Well, he was there, always in her thoughts, but she found it a bit easier to push it back, and kept herself occupied with shopping and decorating the house to make it look festive. She wanted the place to be as cheerful as possible for her daughter.

  They would be going to Francine’s for Christmas Eve with Victor and Monica, and Teddy and Ana. She had spent many holidays with them before, growing up, and it would be like old times. It would be the first time in a long time that Ana had a man to accompany her, but for Monica it would be the first time and she was pretty excited about it.

  Both girls were spending Christmas Day with their respective boyfriend’s families. Lou and Veronica would be going solo Christmas Day, as usual. They would open their gifts, eat their fill, gossip and watch some of their favorite movies, and some new ones Louisa had purchased that Veronica hadn’t seen, but wanted to.

  Lou was so excited to see her daughter. Veronica had also dropped some hints about a new guy on Monday night when she called to give her mother her flight details again. She had implied that she was dating someone. He was in college with her, and they had only gone out a few times with friends as a group, but she liked him, and they had just gone out this past weekend for the first time on their own. She wouldn’t tell her much more, but promised to once she arrived for the holidays. Lou heard the hope in her daughter’s voice, and was excited for her. She’d had boyfriends before, but nothing had ever gotten serious with those boys from high school, thank God. Lou couldn’t wait to hear all about this Gary fellow.

  Lou would be occupied tonight as well, thankfully. Monica was coming over for dinner, for a girl’s night. Victor’s daughter had a recital tonight at her school, and even though they had met and got along, all of his ex-wife’s family would be in attendance, so she had bowed out gracefully. Their relationship was still recovering from some painful revelations, and Victor did not want to put a strain on that. He was with her practically every night, getting up before dawn to make the drive to Tampa to the military base there, and on the weekends she travelled to see him and stayed at his apartment that he shared with his roommate, Kat. That way he could be near his family, his mom, and daughter, and they had Stacey with them on every other weekend.

  For dinner Lou had made a chicken Caesar salad. Monica was a pretty light eater, but they had wine, and would chat away the night and maybe watch a movie.

  Lou was just finished setting the table when Monica arrived as the sun was setting. It got dark fairly early in Florida in the winter, even though the weather was still quite balmy. It was just past six, and Lou hurried to the door to pull it open.

  Monica had another bottle of wine, and called out cheerily, “Hey Lou. I brought the good stuff.”

  Louisa laughed. “Are we celebrating?”

  “Not really, anytime is a good time for wine, right?” she asked cheerfully. She had reached the door, and the two women embraced. Ana was still working, she worked until ten, and had promised to drive over for a nightcap before heading home. She had to work the next day, as did Lou, but the office was slow right before a holiday. Lou was glad she had Friday off. She was picking up her daughter late that afternoon. Saturday was Christmas Eve. Sunday, Christmas Day. Monica’s last day of work had been today, and because she was a teacher had the next two weeks off. Lucky girl! She would be spending most of it in Tampa with Victor.

  “Dinner’s ready, Monica. Chicken Caesar salad.”

  “Yum, I’m starved.”

  “I would think so,” Lou teased. “You haven’t put on much of the weight you lost when you and Victor split up, you must be 120 pounds soaking wet,” she teased.

  “Hey, I am working on that, but Victor keeps me incredibly busy,” she laughed breathlessly and fanned herself as she made her way into the living room. “And you’re one to talk, you weigh less than that. Ooo, I love the decorations. Very festive. I can’t wait to see Veronica. She will love it.”

  “I’m 5 foot four, Monica, not five foot seven, but never mind that, you look beautiful. Being in love does that to you, I guess,” Lou added glumly as she followed Monica to the table.

  Monica felt guilty about gushing on about Victor. That’s why she was here, to cheer her friend up. Lou had often done the same after her and Victor had split up. “Ana told me about you and Jay. I’m sorry,” Monica spoke the words sincerely. “It is one of the reasons I wanted to come over tonight. That, and I miss you, of course.”

  “You did. Why?” Lou asked curiosity getting the better of her.

  “Because you’re my friend,” Monica laughed.

  “Not that, silly, I meant what did you mean by saying you wanted to come over because of me and Jay?”

  “Well, you were there for me when Victor and I went through our rough patch, and I wanted to be here for you. I know talking about it may be too painful for you, and you don’t have to, Ana’s filled me in anyhow. But I have some things I learned about Jay from Victor. I thought if I shared those things with you, it might help you to understand him better.” Lou had thought she wouldn’t have to think of Jay tonight. But, Monica’s brown eyes were kind. Lou could see she didn’t want to apply more pressure.r />
  Lou gave in. “What did Victor tell you?” she asked and began to head towards the kitchen and start on setting the table.

  Monica joined in, and grabbed dishes out of the cabinet after setting down the bottle of wine.

  “You sure you want to hear this. It’s pretty gruesome.”

  “Gruesome?” Lou was not expecting to hear that adjective. “Yes, if it will help me to understand him. Yes, I want to know.”

  “Okay,” Monica began tentatively. “Well, when Victor met Jay a few weeks back he recognized Jay’s tattoo. The ivy.”

  “Jay did tell me it represented his division,” Lou admitted while putting down the forks. “They trained together at Ft. Carlson in Colorado.”

  “Yes, Victor told me that,” Monica agreed. “But, Victor was in the third infantry division and both those divisions were called to Iraq for Operation Iraqi Freedom. He doesn’t talk much about it, but a few days ago when I mentioned that you and Jay had a falling out and described the episode he had, and that you split up, it saddened him.” Monica set the wine glasses down and followed Lou back into the kitchen.

  “Saddened him. Why? Why would he care?” Lou asked curiously as she set the uncorked wine to the side to let it breathe. Monica carried the salad and bowls to the table. Lou joined her with the bottle of wine sitting next to her at the table.

  “He liked Jay. A lot. They served together, not together, but their divisions worked together in one of the worst battles of that short war.”

  “Really? They met?” Lou asked interest levels piqued, perhaps Victor could give her some valuable insight. A small flame of hope sparked within her.

  “No, they didn’t actually meet,” Monica confessed. “There were so many of them, but all the soldiers that participated in the invasion of Iraq know of the third and fourth divisions.”

  “Why? What happened to them?” Lou asked as she filled their bowls.

  Monica paused, and Lou realized she was about to reveal something huge. “Of course, you know why the guys were there. Saddam Hussein was supposedly harboring weapons of mass destruction, nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. Some he had even tried out on his own people. The third infantry, Victor’s division, needed to get to Baghdad to continue their search, and find Hussein. But to get there they had to go through Karbala, a twenty-five mile strip of land on the Euphrates River.”

  “And?” Lou asked, intrigued now. She waited for Monica to continue. She was chewing, had paused to take a bite of her salad.

  “Sorry, Lou. I am starving.”

  “No, eat, but go on.”

  “Well, Turkey wouldn’t let the Americans through their country. They wanted no part of that. So they had to go through Kuwait, but those areas were full of the Iraqi Republican Guard, fiercely loyal to Saddam. They were armed to the ‘T’. It would mean some heavy casualties.”

  “And?” Lou inquired when Monica paused to take a sip of her wine. She wanted to know what happened next. Where did Jay come in to this?

  “Okay, well, our Air Force hit them first with some massive air strikes to weaken them. They wanted to target the facilities that housed supplies and weapons, but they could not do that in Karbala. Too many civilian populations. They had to send in men on the ground. The problem was that the Iraqi Republican Guard blended in, and it was Jay’s division that got the honor of being on the front line. It was twenty-one days of hell. I mean hell, Lou! Jay’s division lost eighty-one men. Eighty-one! Young guys most of them.”

  “Oh, my God. I had no idea.” Lou was choked up, and could hear Monica was too, in the retelling. They hadn’t touched their food in a while.

  “I know. These soldiers do or die. That is what they are trained for. God bless them, every one for what they do and are willing to do for our country. They put their lives on the lines.”

  “I know that.” A tear slid down Lou’s cheek. Her dad had served. Jay had served. They had both been to hell and back, it seemed.

  “It gets worse,” Monica added. She took a sip of her wine.

  “Worse! Than eighty-one dying?” Lou refilled their glasses.

  “Yes. It does. For twenty-one days, they saw their buddies falling beside them, American GIs that they trained with, hit with artillery, machine guns, and flame throwers.”

  Lou’s hand went over her mouth. Holy fuck, Jay had seen all that. Victor, too?

  As if she had asked the question out loud, Monica continued. “Victor’s division, the third, came in at the end. They had been commissioned to prevent destruction of the Iraqi infrastructure; the oil fields, and essential services that needed to be protected. But then Victor’s division was called in to rush the gap that Jay’s division had created. The third hit the gap and breached the lines, and it was all over. Victor said his division were the heroes, they lost one man, Jay’s division was the bait. Like I said, they lost eighty-one, but lived it.”

  “Oh my God!” Lou reached for her wine glass. Her throat ached from the lump that persisted to choke her.

  “There is a bit more, that he told me, not much, but maybe it will help you to understand him.” Monica’s voice dropped a decibel.

  More? She didn’t know if she could hear any more. “Okay.” But she needed to.

  “Jay’s division did not get to come home right away even when the war was over.” Monica was shaking her head sadly. “They were part of the reconstruction time period. Helping Iraq get a democratic government elected, and restore order there.”

  Lou watched Monica as she told the tail, loving her for trying to help, but not sure if she wanted to know the pain and suffering Jay had endured. But, she desperately wanted to understand this man that she had come to care for deeply, and possibly even love, as Ana had suggested, the man she was too afraid to be around at the moment. Listen to the rest, she told herself. There might be something there that could save them. “Go on,” she urged Monica.

  Monica had stopped and waited to see if Lou wanted her to continue. “So,” she paused and took a sip of the wine. “During reconstruction and the occupation, the fourth was assigned to Saddam’s former palaces, but there were still plenty of insurgents, and Iraqi Guard that had not been subdued. So even though the war was over, there was still lots of fighting, surprise attacks, skirmishes from Sunni resistance groups. At the palaces, the guys lived in terror, Lou. These were prime targets, concentrated American forces, you see. Great for hit and runs by the Sunni fighters who were willing to use themselves as weapons if need be.”

  “No!” Louisa gasped. No! Her mind was a whirl. What had he seen? Been through?

  “Yes, I am afraid so. There were many stories about Iraqis with bombs strapped to them that would walk into the palaces, looking like a local and boom.”

  “Holy hell, Jay survived all this.” Lou spewed. It had to be PTSD, she thought. Maybe she had gotten it wrong. But his dad had said it had been after, after the war, right? Maybe that is what he meant, an accident after the war, during this reconstruction time, that he felt guilty about.

  Monica was talking again, and Lou forced her attention back to the details of the story. “They used Sunni suicide men, and they also used old UAVs, unmanned aerial vehicles, as well. There were lookouts for these all night long. Rumors even went round that some of these UAVs could carry biological shit, chemical weapons.”

  Lou’s stomach was in knots. Biological and chemical weapons could kill thousands, tens of thousands.

  “Luckily, most of the UAVs were outdated training drones from the Czechs, but still, the guys lived in terror at night. Any noise in the night sent the men into a panic. The nights were the worse, Victor said.”

  The nights, Louisa thought. The reason he wouldn’t spend the night, felt uncomfortable unless he was completely alone.

  “If one of the lookouts spotted anything, a little blip, a kite, a missile, a shooting star for God sake, the alarm went off, and these scud alerts as they called them, well the men were woken and made to dress in full chemical protection g
ear and forced to march on full treat to Camp Wolf or Udairi, miles away.”

  Lou just shook her head. That explained so much. His night terrors, the PTSD.

  She was confused, and relieved, and still frightened. She was leaning strongly towards talking to Jay. “I think I need to talk to Jay,” Lou breathed. She had not been willing to listen before, but yes, she was wiling now.

  “You want me to leave, stay, call him for you?” Monica blurted out as she reached over to put a comforting hand over Lou’s trembling one.

  “No, no. I’ll try to contact him tomorrow. I still need to process this.” Hell, she couldn’t face him now. But she would hear him out. My God, he had been through hell. She ached to hear him, give him a chance to explain. She needed to explain things to him as well.

  Monica nodded her understanding, and added, “Victor hates talking about it, Lou, but he wanted you to know. He said Jay did so much for this country, and if his division hadn’t done what had to be done, hadn’t made those sacrifices, then who knows what could have happened. He told me he would probably have never told me about it, but he just felt so bad for the guy. He wanted him to have a chance at happiness. He really thought you should at least hear the guy out.” Monica gave her hand a little squeeze.