Nothing Remotely Familiar (My Crazy Alien Romance Book 5)

by Donna McDonald

  Nothing Remotely Familiar

  My Crazy Alien Romance, Book 5

  Donna McDonald

  Visit Donna’s Website

  Contents

  Book Description

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Epilogue

  A Note from Donna McDonald

  S.E. Smith

  Touch of Frost

  Also By This Author

  About the Author

  Copyright © 2020 by Donna McDonald

  An abbreviated version of this book was originally published in Pets In Space 4 as part of the anthology. This version has been expanded.

  All rights reserved.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

  This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

  The Author of this Book has been granted permission by S.E. Smith to use the copyrighted characters and/or worlds created by S.E. Smith in this book. All copyright protection of the characters and/or worlds of Magic, New Mexico are retained by S.E. Smith.

  Edited by MYST Partners

  Book Description

  Nothing about Topper’s life is remotely familiar anymore.

  Who knew mating an alien would net her a teenage witch in just a few years? Topper sure didn’t.

  Now she’s also expecting a son who’s letting her know daily how much he’s inherited from his ice planet loving father. Unfortunately, spontaneous ice in the dessert and Topper wanting to wear fur is drawing the wrong attention to her beloved town. A trip to Glacier to visit Stark’s goddess isn’t the easy fix she hoped for, but her alien mate is convinced it will help.

  Luck being what it is—especially when the Fates are involved—the day before they leave teenager, Jessica, gets assigned her first witch familiar. Worse, the witch responsible for the assignment turns out to be one of Topper’s old enemies. Before Topper can unravel what stinks about the situation, her coming of age daughter bonds with the vicious, fanged-toothed koala. When her alien mate seconds keeping the infamous “drop bear” there’s not much Topper can do but go along.

  Now Jessica’s stuck with the animal for at least the probation period, which means Topper’s also stuck. It also means Koala Kevin from down under is heading through travel portal to the ice planet of Glacier with them.

  Goddess, help them all.

  Dedication

  This book is for all the Topper fans.

  Chapter One

  Topper stood in the entrance of the summer porch and folded her arms. “Did you put away the tools you used for your spell casting?”

  “Don’t I always?”

  “That’s not a proper answer, Jessica. I need a yes or no—and it had better be a yes.”

  “Yessss…” Jessica hissed as she glared at her bossy witch mother. But when she noticed how tired her mother looked, she instantly felt bad about being so snarky. Wanting to make amends, Jessica placed a hand on her mother’s bulging stomach. “Is my little bro-bro doing that rolling thing inside you again?”

  Topper put a hand on her stomach and nodded. The boy kicked against both their palms.

  Growing at more than twice the normal size as others her age, her daughter had become a handful immediately after her arrival. Her son, who she was guessing was more alien than earthling, was causing problems before he was even born. He hated the heat and was making gestation miserable. She had no energy these days and, according to her sister, Nonny, she still had at least two more months to go.

  Stark seemed convinced a trip to the ice fields of Glacier was the answer to appease their second child. She was not as convinced, but Goddess Icela had requested to see her witchy daughter, Jessica, in person. With Stark and his goddess both nagging her, what could she do but agree to the trip?

  Her past safari and river rafting excursions seemed relatively tame compared to visiting the wilds where Stark lived. She’d been there once before Jessica was born, but mostly all she’d seen was Stark’s bedroom.

  Jessica leaned down a little and kissed her mother’s belly where her brother was growing. “Little bro-bro is probably just hot in there. He’ll probably love the cold as much as Dad does.”

  “I think you might be right,” Topper said, not especially happy with the fact.

  The new snow dome in Magic might provide an occasional cold space, but who would babysit him there? And what would they do with him at home? Maybe they needed a walk-in freezer set up with a crib and playpen. She’d always intended to build a cold room for Stark, but had ended giving him an air-conditioned man cave outside the house instead. They needed more room, especially since interplanetary guests kept popping through portals to visit.

  “I’m sorry if I was cranky with you, Jessica. I’m getting tense about our trip.”

  Jessica’s eyebrow shot up before she could stifle her startled reaction. Her mother never apologized—like never—not even to her father. She twirled one of her long red curls around her finger and had to work hard not to show her shock.

  Thinking about what her Dad might do in this circumstance, Jessica slipped an arm around her mother’s expanded waist and lightly hugged. Her father called concessions like these “taking the high road” but at thirteen she didn’t really understand his reference. She just knew that being nice made her tired mother smile.

  “Hey, bro-bro,” she said loudly, lightly flicking her mother’s protruding stomach with two fingers. She got a firm kick in reply that caused her to giggle. “Ease up a little in there. You’re wearing Mom out.”

  Topper chuckled and hugged her daughter. “You were such a calm baby. I should have known I wouldn’t be that lucky twice.”

  Jessica beamed at the praise. It made her giggle, but her mother still looked exhausted. “This is the only time I might say this to you, but I don’t think I like you being this nice. It’s more scary than when we’re yelling at each other.”

  “Now you sound like your father. Speaking of my favorite alien… where is he?”

  “I think Dad’s in his He-Shed doing man stuff.”

  Topper chuckled. “It’s his office, Jessica. He turns the air conditioner down to nearly freezing and works in there. You know he’s helping Dr. Verglas come up with a more efficient solar-powered generator for Magic’s ice rink.”

  “Because Dad’s brilliant like that?” Jessica asked.

  “Yes,” Topper said, stroking her daughter’s long hair. “Because your dad’s brilliant like that.”

  There was a sound of a wolf howling from the front yard, followed by the doorbell ringing multiple times. The energy in the house shifted in warning, letting them both know chaos was waiting outside.

  “That’s something arriving by special courier but I didn’t request anything,” Topper exclaimed, turning her bulk toward the door. “Don’t tell me your father learned how to order things online. I have the computer set to redirect the shipping to the Sheriff’s offi
ce. We can’t have non-magicals delivering to our house.”

  Jessica made a face. “Uh… well… I did kind of sort of show Dad the Internet when he asked me. But don’t worry—I stood back from the computer so my witchy energy didn’t kill it. I wish Auntie Nonny would hurry and get my technology charm fixed. Witch puberty is awful. Energy leaks are the worst.”

  Topper heard only one thing in her daughter’s explanation. “What on Earth would Stark be ordering online? I told him I’d conjure whatever he needed for his work. Goddess, help us. It could be anything out there,” she said as she pulled open the door.

  Chapter Two

  “Hello there, beautiful ladies. The name’s Bruce and I have a shipment for you from the land down under.”

  “Down under what?” Jessica asked, thinking the man talked funnier than any alien friend of her father’s did. She eyed the wooden crate by his feet. It rocked, and something inside it grumbled. The man kicked it with his foot and yelled “quiet down” before turning an enormous smile back in their direction.

  “I’m speaking of the land down under where you’re standing, miss. You know—Australia? Kangaroos. Koalas. Island Continent surrounded by the best beaches in the world.”

  Topper’s mouth twisted. “Yes. We know what Australia is. Who sent you, Bruce?”

  “Ah, that would Relle. Relle sent me. Lovely woman, that Relle. Makes a great scone. I like it with whipped cream and berries. Very tasty.”

  “Narelle? Are you speaking of Witch Narelle?” Topper demanded as she frowned.

  “Guess that would be her formal title. Relle asked me to deliver something to Topper’s girl in the US of A.”

  “What happened to the old courier?” Topper wanted to know.

  “As I understand it, her old courier has been reassigned to a new job. I got the impression that he went off his dial one time too many.”

  “Aren’t you a werewolf? I thought all paranormal couriers were supposed to be magicals now,” Jessica said.

  Bruce favored the young witch with his best grin. “Sure enough, that’s what they say. Guess I’m lucky Aussies don’t always follow witch rules by the book or I might not have my job. Relle tends to think outside the box. Her last courier wasn’t a magical either—just so you know,” he pointed out, turning to kick the crate when something inside it started loudly complaining again. “So, Little Miss Witch—are you and your mum signing for this familiar or not?”

  “No, we are not,” Topper answered as she stepped in front of her daughter and glared at the courier. “Take back whatever Narelle sent. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. We’ll wait for a local familiar to be assigned.”

  Since she’d become a teenager, Jessica had gotten into the habit of leaving quietly when surrounding adults started arguing over her. She got a lot of practice because her parents argued all the time. It was boring to listen to them debate everything under the New Mexico sun.

  This time something seemed different. Her gut suddenly demanded that she pay attention and get involved in the conversation. Her father taught her it was very, very important for her to listen to her instincts. Well, they were screaming at her now, so she really didn’t have a choice.

  “Did I hear you say the package is for me?” Jessica asked, stepping around her mother. All her senses were tingling in anticipation while she waited for the courier’s answer.

  Topper held her back gently. “He said that, but we don’t know what it is, Jessica. Narelle and I… well, we don’t get along very well. I’m afraid she might be sending you something terrible.”

  “Why?” Jessica asked.

  Topper stopped and thought about what to say, but in the end, she played the mother card. “Narelle and I had a disagreement about some things I can’t tell you about until you’re much older.”

  “I’ve never seen you be nervous about the actions of any other witch. Who’s Narelle?”

  Jessica leaned around her mother again to squint at the wooden crate by the man’s feet. It was definitely jumping up and down now. The man lifted one booted foot and stepped on it to hold it in place. A giggle escaped her. Whatever was in the crate seemed determined to escape. She definitely understood that feeling.

  “Why are you laughing? This is not a funny matter,” Topper insisted.

  Bruce nodded gravely. “No, it sure isn’t, Little Miss. Relle is the primary witch who assigns familiars to their witches. Mother Gaia appointed her to that role,” he said with a smile. “The delivery is definitely for…” he checked the paper in his hand, “… Jessica, daughter of the Honorable Witch Topper.”

  “That’s me. I’m Topper’s daughter,” Jessica answered firmly.

  “Right then,” he said with a bow. “Then this crate is for you if you want it.”

  “What’s in it?” Jessica asked, her heart starting to pound.

  “Well, now, that’s a surprise of a witch sort. Before you open it, you have to sign for it. You also have to agree to give the critter inside it a fair go as your familiar. There’s a ninety-day trial period where you can’t return him or ask for a replacement. Relle feels there’s always a bit of an adjustment at first. But this bloke is well broke in and shouldn’t give you any trouble. Oops… I mean… he’s a completely domesticated familiar.”

  Topper shook her head. “I’ve already requested a local familiar be assigned to my daughter. Life in the desert is not for all animals.”

  Bruce scratched his head. “Relle said you might say that. She said I was to assure you that he will make a corker of a familiar… outside one or two little quirks that is.”

  “Quirks? What kind of quirks?” Topper asked, alarmed.

  The werewolf shrugged. “Well, for one, he’s a vegetarian.”

  “That’s not a quirk,” Jessica announced with a giggle. She turned to her mother. “My instincts are talking to me, Mom. I want what’s in that box.”

  Topper blew out a breath. “Don’t you want a nice friendly cat for your first familiar? Cats can be annoying, but they’re also very good at guarding and require little care. Your Aunt Nonny and Aunt Evanna both have cats still.”

  Jessica crossed her arms. “You don’t have a cat.”

  Topper sighed over the logic. “Because I’m older, Jessica. I don’t work with a familiar anymore. However, all witches need them early in their witchy life. They’re guardians of your magic to make sure it does no harm.”

  “But cats are boring,” Jessica protested. She bit her lip nervously because it was hard being honest with her powerful mother. No other witch in Magic ever questioned one of her mother’s decisions.

  Bruce cleared his throat. “There is definitely no cat in this crate. I can also promise, Little Miss, that this here familiar Relle assigned to you will never, ever be boring,” he said, stomping once more on the top of the wooden box.

  They all heard someone call out in pain—and in English.

  Bruce winced at the sounds. “Oh, right. Did I forget to mention your familiar talks like a human? That’s another of his quirks.”

  Topper harrumphed, and her son did a somersault inside her. He seemed to share her mistrustful nature. “Just how many quirks does Relle’s familiar have? It sounds like you could make quite a list.”

  Jessica giggled again. “An animal who talks like a human isn’t a quirk either. Mom, please…”

  “I heard my two favorite females arguing from inside the house. What on Earth is going on out here?” a commanding voice demanded.

  Jessica grinned when the werewolf courier instantly lifted his foot off the crate and backed up a couple steps as her tall, silver-haired father came into view. Everyone was a little scared of her Dad, which was just one of the many, many things she loved, loved, loved about him.

  “Good day to you, Mr… uh… Topper, sir,” Bruce said.

  Stark nodded, not bothering to correct the man about his name. He was more interested in the debate he’d overheard. He looked between his daughter and his powerful mate. “Do I detect an Aust
ralian accent in our visitor? I assume he’s no threat or he’d be in a cage by now.”

  “He’s a courier. Some shriveled-up, old witch…” Topper stopped the rant when Jessica’s attention swung her way. “I mean, a powerful witch from my past sent Jessica a familiar. It’s in the crate.”

  Stark turned to look at the wooden container. “There’s a cat in the crate? That’s an enormous container to ship a cat in. Why is it being constrained?”

  “It’s not a cat,” Jessica said, smiling at her father. “But I can’t see what kind of animal it is until I’ve agreed to a trial. The witch from Mom’s past works for Gaia. Bruce said that’s how it all works.”

  Another flurry of swearing and bouncing around happened. The four of them stared at the crate and listened to a full three minutes of imaginative cursing coming from within the box. Luckily, most of the words were slurred and barely legible through the wood.

  Jessica noticed she was the only person giggling, but she couldn’t help it. She just knew her new familiar would be way more fun than a cat.

  Stark walked forward and studied the crate before reluctantly smiling at his mate. “The creature seems upset by its confinement, but I sense no genuine malice. Do you fear this animal is unsafe for our daughter?”

  Topper’s eye roll couldn’t have been larger. “No, Stark. I’m not afraid of it in the physical sense, but if Jessica agrees to have it, the thing in that crate gets to live with us until its contract with her is up. We have no idea what we’re getting into.”