Nothing Remotely Familiar (My Crazy Alien Romance Book 5)

by Donna McDonald

  Kevin lifted one claw and held up a talon. “Wait… so how are you planning to get there?”

  Jessica shrugged. “There’s only one other way that I know. We’re going through an intergalactic travel portal. It will be my first time, but I’m not worried. Mom’s been through one and she said it doesn’t hurt.”

  Kevin blinked and stared. This had to be a joke—as in let’s torment the stupid koala who made his boss mad. “I see you’re a tremendous fan of all things science fiction, Witch Jessica.”

  “I don’t think I’d call myself a fan. My parents don’t allow me to watch much TV. Mom says it will rot my brain. Dad thinks it’s boring. We’re the kind of family that does stuff together for entertainment.”

  Kevin snorted. “Okay. I’ll bite. What kind of stuff?”

  “We go ice skating and…”

  “Wait… ice skating? In the New Mexico desert?”

  “Magic has a snow dome. Dr. Lena Verglas built it, but Mom and Dad helped. When I was younger, I thought her name was Dr. Very Glad. Isn’t that silly? It amazes me how much I’ve grown up in just a year.”

  Kevin thought hard about how to be kind. “It’s no sillier than hearing you talk about intergalactic travel portals,” he finally conceded.

  Jessica shrugged as she pushed more clothes into her bag. “I will pack some extra clothes in case we end up sharing. Glacier is an ice planet. I can shrink anything to fit you. Mom taught me shrinking before I even learned to conjure fire. Once you’re in Magic a while, you’ll know why that makes so much sense.”

  “Planning to shrink me and carry me around in your pocket?” Kevin asked with a koala full-belly chuckle.

  “Now that’s sarcasm, and I was being serious,” Jessica said, pointing her zapping finger at her familiar. “For your information, Mr. Doubter, my father has a device he uses to make the portals. We don’t make them often because the men in black show up when we do. If that happens tomorrow, it will take a long time to shrink them and wipe their minds enough to forget us. That’s why we’ve got to be quick, quick, quick when we leave. Dad said no dawdling would be allowed.”

  “I believe you about the mind-wiping. Your story has certainly wiped mine. Maybe Bruce was right. Maybe I’m more off my dial than I realized,” Kevin exclaimed. He suddenly snapped his talons together to make a click. “Or maybe it sounds more crazy than it is because I haven’t eaten since I got spell-bound. Did you know a koala can sleep twenty-two hours a day? Luckily, that conserves energy or I might be dead.”

  “Koala? Is that what you call yourself? But I thought you said you were a Drop Bear.”

  Kevin showed his teeth and made them lengthen. “A Drop Bear is a koala with fangs and a wicked tendency for full-out pouncing on people. And if that doesn’t work to scare the bastards, I use my extra-long talons to slice them into tiny pieces. Then I feed the pieces to the salties.”

  “Salties?”

  “Salt-water crocodiles.”

  Jessica’s eyes widened at the information, and then she ran to her door. “Mom, I need you! Kevin’s scaring me again,” she yelled down the hallway. “We need to make a eucalyptus tree. My Drop Bear is starving. They haven’t fed him the entire time he’s been a familiar.”

  “Jessica, what did I tell you about yelling through the house?” Topper yelled back.

  “You said I could yell only when it was important. Well, my starving familiar is important, right?”

  “You’re as literal as your father. What I was trying to teach you is that all yelling is rude. Just come get me when you need me. Our house is not that big,” Topper grumbled as she waddled into the room.

  Kevin’s gaze went back and forth between the two witches as together they poured eucalyptus oil into a planter full of dirt and chanted over it. Within a minute, a tiny eucalyptus shoot sprouted. His stomach growled in anticipation. Five minutes later it was a sapling. Another ten and he reached out to swing himself up onto one of the bigger limbs.

  “Ripper beauty bonza, mate,” he said in awe before he set about happily munching.

  Jessica laughed at what he said. “Does that mean you like it?”

  “Umm… hmm…” Kevin answered with his mouth full.

  “Are there eucalyptus trees on Glacier?” Jessica asked her mother.

  “No, but we have three more bottles of oil. Pack those. We’ll make trees when we get there.”

  “Sometimes I really love being a witch. I’ll pick a bunch of leaves for a snack for him,” Jessica said as her Mom smiled in approval over their tree. “Do you think the Goddess Icela will like me?”

  Topper turned in surprise. “She will adore you,” she promised.

  “I sure hope so,” Jessica said, thinking of the beautiful woman she’d only seen in the communication mirror. “Do you think she will like Kevin too? What will she do if he goes all fangy Drop Bear on her?”

  Mouth still full, Kevin stopped eating to stare. He had trouble swallowing but got it all down before defending himself. “I have no intention of going all Drop Bear again soon. Today was just… well, that was for Bruce, who laughed the whole time he was stuffing me into that crate. I’m sort of carnivore in my fanged form and I was after having some werewolf for a snack.”

  Both witches were silent as they stared at him. Kevin chuckled uncomfortably at their startled expressions. “Sorry,” he said, pulling off another leaf and turning it in his sheathed claws. “Was that TMI?”

  Topper shook her head before turning to her daughter. “I refuse to worry. You have my permission to shrink Kevin if he goes Drop Bear on you.”

  Jessica’s eyes widened as she answered. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “At the moment, I’m more worried about Kevin getting sick when we pass through the portal.”

  Jessica chewed her lip. “I never thought about that.”

  “I think I’ll pop over and talk to your cousin, Lacey. She’s the animal expert in the family. Maybe she has something in her cupboard that would make sure he travels okay.”

  “Sleep tablets,” Kevin suggested around his chewing. “It doesn’t take much to make me sleep. That way I won’t panic and, well, I’m sure you get the gist.”

  Jessica sighed. “You were so right, Mom. Having a familiar is a lot to worry about.”

  Topper smiled. There was nothing to do now but make the best of things for ninety days. “You’ll get there, honey. All witches do. Now finish packing. You know how your father is when we’re not on time.”

  “I’ll finish before I go to sleep,” Jessica promised. “Thank you for letting me keep my Drop Bear.”

  Topper chuckled. “This is only Day One, Jessica. Don’t thank me yet. When the novelty wears off, you might be ready to trade Kevin in for a cat.”

  Chapter Four

  It was just before dawn when the portal opened. The glowing silver oval lit up the New Mexico morning. Jessica had fashioned a wrap to keep her sleeping familiar strapped to the front of her. She fidgeted with the harness as she watched the oval growing larger.

  “Nervous?” Stark asked his daughter.

  She turned to her father. “Yes, but I’m not afraid.”

  Stark took his daughter’s hand and squeezed it as he smiled. “That’s a very important distinction. I’m glad you recognize the difference. And thank you for wearing your natural hair color today. It will matter to my people.”

  Jessica smiled up at her handsome father. “I like that I look like you.”

  “So do I,” Stark said.

  “Okay. Let’s go freeze our asses off,” Topper groused, heading into the glowing tunnel of the portal.

  Sighing over his mate’s grumbling acquiescence, Stark tugged on his daughter’s hand. “She walks into a travel portal alone despite the risks. Your mother is the bravest female I ever met.”

  “I think Mom just wants some relief, Dad. Little bro-bro is not making life easy for her.”

  “You are a very thoughtful daughter,” Stark said as they entered the tunnel together.<
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  Seconds later, the silver path ended and they stepped out on his home planet of Glacier. Stark took a deep breath of cool air. “Goddess, it’s good to be here. I’ve missed the cold.”

  Jessica giggled when Kevin shivered against her and cuddled close. “I like it too, but I think my familiar misses the desert. Kevin’s shivering.”

  “That’s understandable. The temperature fluctuation here is a good fifty degrees colder,” Stark explained.

  Topper rubbed her stomach as she walked to where her husband and daughter stood talking. Her alien son was being quiet for once and not turning somersaults inside her. She looked behind the rest of her family and watched the portal shrink until it closed completely. “Looks like we weren’t followed.”

  “I would know if we were,” Stark said.

  Topper raised one eyebrow, but didn’t argue. Their appearance was drawing a crowd. People bowed their heads to them. One man stepped out in front.

  “General Stark, it is an honor to see you once more,” Resig said with a bow.

  Stark bowed his head in gratitude for the warm welcome. “Thank you, Resig. Congratulations on your promotion to General.”

  Resig smiled. “Thank you. May I greet your family?”

  Stark turned and pulled a heavily sighing Topper forward. “This tired, cranky female is my mate. As you can see, our son is weighing heavily on her. Her name is Topper.”

  Topper fought off an eye roll—barely. She offered her hand for the Glacieran male to bow over. He was handsome and charming. They all were. Visiting Glacier was like visiting old Europe. “It is a pleasure to visit your planet, General Resig,” she managed to say without snarling.

  “Greetings, Topper of Earth—most wondrous mate of Stark. Call me Resig, please.”

  “Thank you, Resig,” Topper repeated politely.

  Stark turned to his daughter. He lifted her hand and held it out to General Resig. “And this is my daughter, Jessica. The creature she carries is a new pet that arrived just before we came here. We did not want to leave him behind so soon. I will take full responsibility for seeing our creature does not impact Glacier during our stay.”

  “I harbor no concerns about your creature,” Resig said with a bow over Jessica’s hand.

  “It is a pleasure to meet you, General Resig,” Jessica said, bowing her head as she’d watched her father do.

  Stark smiled at his daughter’s poise. “We are planning to stay at my abode in the ice fields for a few days, Resig. Councilman Polar has asked us to return after that and spend the rest of our stay with his family.”

  “My men and I will see that provisions are delivered to your abode for your stay. Do you think you might have time to visit the men before you return? They are most eager to hear how the Earth Indoctrination Program is faring.”

  “He’ll have plenty of time to visit,” Topper interjected, rubbing her stomach. “I sleep for long stretches every day now. Stark will need something to do to keep from being bored.”

  “Overseeing my son’s gestation is not boring,” Stark denied.

  “How many times have I woke and screamed when I found you leaning over me?” Topper asked.

  Resig covered his mouth to hide his widening smile. When he dropped his hand, he straightened. He turned and motioned behind him. Topper raised an eyebrow when a female of indeterminate Glacieran age stomped forward and stood by Resig’s side.

  “Nia will stay with your mate as her caretaker. She will not hover over Topper while she sleeps. I promise.”

  Topper smirked when the woman sighed heavily before summoning a tight, polite smile and nodding. Why did the irritated woman bother faking politeness? She wouldn’t have.

  Topper sighed and rubbed her now unmoving son. He’d gone still the moment she’d stepped out of the portal. If the reprieve hadn’t been so welcome, she’d have been concerned.

  “Jessica can…” she began before Stark’s hand suddenly slid across her mouth and pressed tightly enough to stop her from speaking.

  Her startled gaze flew to his as she wondered what would happen if she turned him into a toad in front of his Glacieran friends.

  “We would appreciate Nia’s presence during our time here,” Stark informed Resig. He turned to narrow his eyes at his mate. “This is our daughter’s first trip to Glacier. Nia will know who to contact if our son decides to surprise us with his presence.”

  Resig turned to Topper. “I’m sorry, Topper. I should have asked your permission before making arrangements. Will you allow Nia to stay with you?”

  Beneath Stark’s hand, Topper reluctantly nodded, which bobbed Stark’s hand up and down. Everyone hid their smiles, except for their daughter. Jessica rolled her eyes and turned away from the two of them. Topper wanted to turn both her husband and daughter into toads… and Resig too for putting them all on the spot.

  “Wonderful. My mate agrees to your generous offer. Nia can use the guest room. Glad that’s settled,” Stark declared, as he eased his hand away. “Polar has offered us a vehicle for our use. Let’s say hello to him and then head to my home.”

  “I will collect my things and meet you at Director Polar’s abode,” Nia said stiffly before turning on her heel and leaving with saying a proper goodbye to them or Resig.

  Stark might have forced her into accepting help, but Topper so no reason not to confront the reality of the situation. She narrowed her eyes at Resig once the unhappy Nia was out of earshot. “Why are you torturing that poor woman, Resig? It’s obvious Nia doesn’t want to do this. I’ve been to the ice fields and do not fear returning, but I don’t blame Nia for not wanting to go. There is nothing there.”

  Resig winced. “You are as wise as I have heard, Topper. I must confess Nia is unhappy with me for reasons that have nothing to do with you or your family. I insisted she accompany you because there is no one I trust more than her to take care of General Stark’s family.”

  “Is Nia your girlfriend?” Jessica asked. She was her mother’s daughter and wanted to know the truth. “She seemed really mad when she left. From what I know, only a girlfriend gets that kind of mad at a guy.”

  “Jessica—mind your filters. That’s not an appropriate question to ask,” Topper chastised.

  Jessica made a face. “Well, she was mad. It was obvious.”

  “True,” Topper conceded. She looked at Resig. “Forgive us. We are used to speaking our minds, but we don’t mean to be rude.”

  Resig smiled sadly as he turned to the adolescent female. The young always saw through polite ruses. “I would hide nothing from General Stark’s family so I will honor Jessica’s question with an answer. Nia wishes to be my mate, but I am not ready yet to take one. At the moment, she is someone else’s… uh… girlfriend. However, there is still no one else more reliable to care for your mother.”

  “Oh… sorry,” Jessica said, making another face over her lame apology. She cleared her throat when her mother glared at her. “Guess I’m ready to leave whenever you are, Mom.”

  Topper snorted. “We’ll leave as you as you take your foot out of your mouth so you can walk away.”

  “Geez, Mom. I panicked. Okay? Cut me a break here. This is my first visit to another planet.”

  “Cut… what?” Resig asked, looking between them. “Has something prompted the need for violence?”

  “Not yet, but it’s still very early in the day,” Topper said, looking at her glaring daughter.

  Stark reached out and patted his friend. “Pay them no mind, Resig. Both are Earth witches. They have their own means of communicating. It is a sarcastic twist on the most common language of Earth. Sometimes I don’t understand the nuances of it either, but they always survive their verbal sparring without injuries of any sort.”

  “Glad to hear it, General. Let’s get you and your family to Director Polar’s abode,” Resig said with genuine relief.

  Wanting to avoid further public scrutiny, Stark put a hand behind each of his glaring females and pushed them forward. />
  Chapter Five

  The ride to the ice fields took an hour. Kevin woke, looked around, shivered, and then went back to sleep. Jessica sighed and rubbed her cold familiar. Keeping him warm was definitely not what she thought she’d be doing here.

  “Dad? When do you think Good Icey La-La will visit us?”

  “Please don’t call Goddess Icela that. And the answer is—I don’t know,” Stark said. “The goddess does things in her own time. I’m sure she knows we’re here.”

  Nia turned to the child. “The Goddess? Are you speaking of Goddess Icela?”

  Jessica nodded to the woman sitting next to her. Nia was beautiful—all Glacierans seemed to be. However, Nia looked like a very unhappy version of her Auntie Rime. “My father is one of her chosen ones. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I think it means he’s important.”

  Nia nodded. “Indeed,” she said as she studied the young girl. “Have you met the Goddess as well?”

  “No,” Jessica admitted. “That’s one of the reasons we came here. The other is because my little bro-bro hates the heat and he’s been making Mom miserable.”

  “How do you know all this about the child your mother carries?” Nia asked.

  Jessica shrugged as much as she could with Kevin strapped to her front. “Maybe it’s because I’m an Earth Witch like my mother. Mom says you don’t always have to understand why you have a gift. She says having faith in yourself is more important.”

  Nia nodded. “Your mother sounds wise.”

  “She is,” Jessica agreed. “But she’s also very normal. With me, Mom’s like—Jessica, did you put your spell casting things away? She’s just wise when it’s really, really important for someone to be that.” When Nia laughed, Jessica smiled. “We’re a very normal family where we come from on Earth.”

  “I can see that,” Nia said.

  “Jessica? See that white dome up ahead?” Stark said, pointing into the distance. “That’s my home on Glacier.”

  Jessica leaned forward as much as she could. “It looks like the snow dome Dr. Verglas built. Is that how you knew how to help her?”