Waiting on Love

by Tracie Peterson

  “It’s always been a favorite of mine,” Nick replied. “I was always in awe of the power of our Lord to calm the wind and waves.”

  She nodded. “I’ve rarely felt afraid when storms come, because I think of how God holds me in His hand. My future days are His to number. If I’m to die in a storm at sea, I know even so that He has control.”

  “It’s such a peace of mind.”

  She bit her lower lip, wondering if she dared ask the question on her mind. Finally, she cleared her throat. “Did you remember it when the Polaris sank?”

  He nodded without hesitation. “I did. As everything fell apart around me, I remembered Jesus calming the sea. The sea didn’t calm around us, but the storm inside me ceased for the moment. Later, when I was rethinking it all and dealing with my sorrow and guilt, the storm came back with a vengeance.” He fell silent and looked out across the water and dimly lit landscape.

  Elise didn’t wish to press further. “You have two sisters?”

  After a long pause, he answered. “Yes. Deborah and Miriam. They’re two and five years younger than I am. There were two more sons, but they died. In fact, my mother died trying to give birth to the last one. He was stillborn, and I remember looking at him and thinking him a murderer, as foolish as that sounds. It took years to forgive him. He took the only person I felt ever truly loved me.”

  “How sad.” Elise tried to imagine feeling such anger toward an infant who never even started his life beyond his mother’s womb. “How terrible it must have felt. I’m so sorry.”

  Nick looked at her and smiled. “Our housekeeper, Mrs. Schmitt, understood. She was the only one who did. My sisters cried for weeks. At first, they cried for the loss of their mother and the baby, and then I believe they both faded into despair when our father took off on a trip and sent us to boarding school. Mrs. Schmitt said he had often wanted to send us away, but Mother wouldn’t allow it. With her gone, he had no reason to keep us near.”

  Elise couldn’t imagine the emptiness Nick must have felt as a child. Her own loss as an adult was difficult, but the idea of losing a mother as a child was overwhelming. “I’m so sorry you had to endure that. It must have been devastating.”

  Nick nodded, then changed the focus of their discussion. “Mrs. Schmitt is a good and godly woman. She did her best to comfort us and offer what love she could. When we came home on holidays, it was to a new governess and later to a very strict tutor. Father didn’t want us to fall behind in our studies while away from school. Mrs. Schmitt remained the only constant besides our father.”

  “He sounds like a man with no feelings.” Elise clapped her hand to her mouth, then slowly lowered it. “I’m sorry. I should never have said that. It’s not my place to criticize.”

  “It’s nevertheless true. I never understood if Mother’s death killed his ability to feel, or if he had always put such things to one side. Maybe he was taught that feelings were dangerous and avoided them. I have no idea. I never knew my grandparents. Perhaps they taught him to be that way.”

  “Maybe he didn’t have the strength to deal with such feelings. Have you ever considered that? A moment ago I was harshly judgmental, but it comes to mind that perhaps he was heartbroken and had nothing left to give. How old was he when his own mother died?”

  “Just a child, like me.” Nick shrugged. “He always made such unfeeling demands on me that I gave little consideration to his feelings. Looking back now, I can see that was wrong. When he disowned me ten years ago, my immediate thought was, ‘You did this years ago, and now it’s just a formality.’”

  “Oh, Nick. I am sorry. What a terrible thing to endure. I’m sure some fathers think they know better than anyone. They believe their children have no understanding of what’s best for them, but rather than try to discuss it and help the child or young man understand, they just place their demands and edicts.”

  “That was definitely my father’s way. He wanted me in the mill business and saw no other option. When I refused, he was so dumbfounded that he did the only thing he thought might change my mind: abandoned me.”

  Elise swallowed the lump in her throat. She might have wept for that young man but knew it wouldn’t help the situation.

  “Elise?” her father called from the stern.

  “I need to go to him.” She touched Nick’s arm. She hoped he understood the tenderness she felt toward him. “Life is often painful and difficult. That’s why love and kindness are so important. I’m glad you had Mrs. Schmitt.”

  He met her eyes. “I am too.”

  “I hope you know you have a friend in me . . . and my father. We’ll be here for you no matter what.”

  It was as much of a pledge as she dared give him for the moment. She hurried to go to her father, knowing that if she stayed, she might say much more.

  Chapter 14

  Once again, they were safely in Oswego, emptying their load of grain. Next they would take on another load of coal and head back to Duluth. It was the routine of the Mary Elise, and only on rare occasion did it change or include an extra stop along the way. For Nick, it was a perfect job. He wasn’t in charge, he was simply a crew member, and although he longed to command again, he felt that he owed the world some sort of penance for the eight men who died on his watch.

  Sometimes those memories were more than he could bear. He relived the scene so often in his thoughts and dreams that he wondered if he’d ever be free. Working on the Mary Elise, however, had been healing, and except for Booker Duran, Nick found everyone there forgiving.

  He made the short walk to the post office to collect his mail and found a letter from Mrs. Schmitt. Dear woman. She was so good to him. Her faithful correspondence had kept Nick from feeling too alone in the world.

  He walked to the nearby park and took a seat on one of the benches. He opened the letter and read.

  Dearest Nick,

  I am glad to hear of your new job and of the young lady who has caught your attention. I have long prayed for you to find a mate—a woman of godly character who will stand faithfully beside you through the trials and storms of life. Elise sounds like a woman who might be my answer to prayer. I hope that you will be able to get to know each other better. Remember that honesty and respect are two of the most important things in a relationship. Never take each other for granted, and always pray for each other.

  On the home front, there is news is of some concern. Your father hasn’t been well. I believe it’s his heart, although he refuses to see a doctor. He shows signs of constant weariness and is far less active than he used to be. He manages business arrangements from home these days, which, as you know, is very unlike him. I tell you these things only to keep you apprised. I know that you care about him greatly.

  Your sisters don’t appear overly concerned for him, so perhaps it’s just my propensity to worry. Deborah was here to see him just yesterday and brought the baby. He was oddly entertained by this and even held the child, which surprised us all. She commented that he appeared quite well and suggested he come to share dinner with them on Friday night. He declined and told her he was already committed elsewhere. I knew this wasn’t true, but of course I said nothing. I suppose it is possible he has something scheduled that I know nothing about.

  The letter continued with tidbits of neighborhood intrigue. Mrs. Schmitt had talked to the next-door neighbor’s housekeeper, who revealed that the estate was going to be sold now that the old master had died. Mrs. Schmitt was concerned about whether an established family would move in. She feared it might be a person of new wealth and was unsure such people could be trusted. Nick smiled at this. Mrs. Schmitt could be very suspicious and prejudiced.

  He finished the letter, rereading the portion regarding his father. Was he very ill? It was hard to tell. His father had always been a very private man, but especially in matters that concerned his own health. Paired with Mrs. Schmitt’s penchant for worry, it was hard to know whether there was a real problem or not. Yet another thing to commit to pr
ayer.

  Nick tucked the letter in his pocket and leaned back against the bench. It was a beautiful day in Oswego, and people everywhere were taking advantage of the day.

  Father wouldn’t care if I worried or not. He wouldn’t want me to come. He’s disowned me. Severed all ties because I wouldn’t go into the textile business. Showing up now would no doubt make any heart problems worse.

  Nick knew it had to be a big disappointment for your only son to turn away from the empire you’d built. For a father to anticipate passing his knowledge and industry on to his son, only to have that ungrateful wretch refuse, had to be a tremendous disappointment. Nick had tried to explain, but Father wouldn’t have it. Father had told him that his reasons were merely excuses. Later Nick tried talking to his sisters, but they were afraid of offending their father. Years later, they married the men Father had chosen and nodded approvingly as their husbands went to work for the family textile business without causing difficulties. They were the obedient sons. Nick was nothing more than an outcast—ungrateful, unfeeling.

  But that wasn’t how Nick felt. He’d wanted to know his father better and knew working at his side would make that possible. However, as he caught glimpses of his father’s stoic, demanding nature, Nick didn’t like what he saw. His father’s lack of concern when a child lost a hand in one of the looms, his unreasonable insistence that the windows be nailed shut, and so many other coldhearted decisions had cut Nick to the quick. His father was cruel when it came to his business dealings, and Nick could not accept that behavior as humane.

  “Cap’n Clark?”

  Nick was pulled from his thoughts and glanced up from the park bench.

  A man smiled down at him. “It is you. I thought so.” The young man extended his hand. “Do you remember me? Jack Kilroy.”

  Nick felt as if he’d been gut-punched but maintained a smile. Jack was one of two men Nick had been able to get off the Polaris alive. “Of course I remember you, Jack. How are you doing?”

  “Well enough. I got a position helpin’ load the ships. Pays well enough and puts my mum’s thoughts at ease, what with me havin’ a job on land.”

  “I’m sure it does. I’m glad you’re doing so well.” Nick could hardly look him in the eye.

  “I wouldn’t be if not for you havin’ saved me. My mum says you’re an angel sent from God.”

  Nick frowned. “She doesn’t understand that my bad judgment put us in that position in the first place?”

  Jack’s eyes widened. “It weren’t your fault, Cap’n Clark. Those storms change course in the blink of an eye. Every seaman knows the dangers. You did your best and saved two of us from drownin’ with the others. No sir, it weren’t your fault.”

  Nick wished he could see it the younger man’s way. “Maybe not, but it was my responsibility, and so it remains my deepest regret. We lost eight good men that day.”

  “Aye. We did for sure. Mum says we three didn’t die because God still has things for us to accomplish and not to take that lightly.”

  Nick narrowed his eyes as he considered that idea. Something about Jack’s words touched him deep in his heart. “Your mum said that, did she?”

  “Aye. She said God is the only one who can give life or claim it, even when we put ourselves in peril—we don’t have the power over life and death.”

  “No, I . . . suppose not.” Nick had never really stopped to think of it from that perspective.

  “Mum says we must make the best of the time we have. Especially when we’re given a second chance.” He stuck out his hand. “I’ve got to be on my way. My time for lunch is nearly gone.”

  Nick shook the young man’s hand. “Thank you for stopping to speak with me, Jack. You may have made a bigger difference than you know.”

  The younger man smiled. “Be glad for your life, Cap’n. Don’t be dwellin’ on the past.” With that, Jack jogged up the road toward the docks.

  Nick got to his feet and began walking back to the ship, still lost in thoughts of what Jack had said. He supposed it was possible he was leaving God completely out of the situation. If three people had been saved from the Polaris, there could have just as easily been eleven. God had other plans. Plans that certainly weren’t Nick’s.

  He would have to ponder that for a time.

  Elise was just as surprised as her father to learn that Mrs. Brett had taken her children and moved away to live with her brother. It was disappointing not to be able to see her and perhaps do something nice for them. Of course, small gestures of kindness weren’t enough to keep her household fed and clothed. Elise figured the widow had no choice but to seek the help of family.

  “I hope she’s all right,” Elise said as they walked back toward the ship.

  “I do too. I knew she’d be hard-pressed to support herself and the children,” her father replied with a frown. “I’m glad she has family. Joe said they were all quite close.”

  “It’s the biggest blessing to know your loved ones are there for you.” They walked the rest of the block in silence before Elise got an idea. “We should get your hair trimmed. Mother would be appalled at how long it’s grown, and there’s a barber just across the street.”

  Her father chuckled. “You still think you need to fill her shoes, eh?”

  Elise grew solemn. “I could never fill her shoes. But I desire to try to fill in some of those empty places. I feel it’s my duty, even if it weren’t my desire. I promised Mama I would take care of you.”

  “And because of that, you won’t allow yourself any pleasure.”

  “What do you mean?” She looked at him for a moment but continued walking.

  “I mean that Mr. Clark seems quite enamored with you, and you with him. You should be spending this time with him rather than seeing to my hair.” He gave her a smile. “I’m quite capable of taking care of it myself.”

  “I know, Papa.” She paused, trying to think of how to explain. “It’s just difficult sometimes to know what I should and shouldn’t do. Like with Caroline. I’d like to be there for her as well, but she pushes me away.”

  “You aren’t her mother, so stop trying to be. Go back to being her sister, and I’m sure she’ll be happy to have you.”

  “You’re right. I know that. She said as much. Maybe we should stop by Uncle James’s place and see if she’s written.”

  “We can certainly do that, but what of my haircut?”

  Elise laughed. “What’s another couple of weeks?”

  Her father signaled a hired cab and waited for the driver to circle around to pick them up. He gave the address, then settled back in the carriage with Elise. “The weather’s going to change. It’s probably hardly noticeable to most, but my joints can always tell.”

  “Mama used to say you were better than any weather station.”

  “Probably a good thing for a ship’s captain, but rather hard on my body.”

  “Papa, do you ever think about giving up the Mary Elise?”

  “It might surprise you, but I have. Everything changed for me when I lost your mother. The joy is gone. We sailed together as a team. We were one, and now a part of me is gone.”

  Elise immediately felt a sense of guilt. She had failed miserably if he were considering giving up the ship.

  “But you know, after our talk the other day, I began to consider this from another angle. Your mother is always with me in a sense. I have our memories, and I have you and your sister. In so many ways, she will always be near me. I need to focus on that. She’ll never really be gone.”

  “But still, you might leave off sailing?”

  “I don’t know. For the time being, all is well, but there could come a day. My future isn’t as fixed as I once thought it.”

  His reply left her feeling unbalanced. Elise had never considered the lakes not being a part of her daily life.

  The carriage pulled up in front of the Monroe house. Her father helped Elise from the conveyance, then paid the driver.

  “I hope we don’t up
set Mrs. Cavendish by showing up unannounced,” Papa said in a teasing tone.

  “I’m sure we will, but we are the black sheep of the family. It’s to be expected.” Elise grinned at the thought of the housekeeper huffing and puffing her displeasure.

  Papa knocked on the door. “I guess we’ll know soon enough.”

  Mrs. Cavendish opened the door. “We were expecting you. Please come in.”

  Elise looked at her father and shrugged.

  Mrs. Cavendish took Papa’s hat and Elise’s gloves. “They’re gathered in the music room. I’ll go announce you.”

  “Thank you,” Papa said. He returned Elise’s shrug. “I don’t know what that was all about.”

  They followed Mrs. Cavendish to the music room and waited for her introduction, even though it was completely unnecessary. Uncle James came to greet them.

  “We were glad to hear the Mary Elise was in port. Come join us. We’ve actually been waiting for you. I sent my man Cobert for you some time ago, but it seems you’d already left the ship.”

  “Yes, we had a few things to tend to. You act as if something is wrong,” Papa said, his expression turning worrisome.

  “There is something wrong.” Uncle James stepped back to reveal Caroline sitting at the piano.

  “Caroline!” Elise couldn’t help herself. She rushed across the room to embrace her sister. “How are you?”

  Caroline looked from Elise to their father. Tears came to her eyes. “Terrible. I’m just terrible.”

  “What’s happened?” This came from Papa before Elise could speak.

  Caroline shook her head. “Everything is wrong. Positively everything.” She began to cry in earnest and buried her face in her hands. Elise sat beside her on the piano bench and put her arms around her sister.

  “What has happened?” Papa asked Uncle James.

  Her uncle crossed his arms. “It would seem Caroline has left her husband.”