Deliver Me

by Karen Cole

  ‘Can we look at the footage from the day before?’ asks Abby.

  Just then the bell tinkles as someone enters the shop.

  ‘Okay, just excuse me a minute.’ The florist shows them how to operate the machine and goes out to the front of the shop to serve the customer.

  They fast-forward through footage from the day before yesterday, watching intently as people enter and leave the shop. Quite a few men come in but none of them buy orchids.

  ‘Wait. Stop. What about him?’ exclaims Danny excitedly as they’re approaching the end of the day. The clock in the corner of the screen says 5.20.

  Abby rewinds to a middle-aged man in a long raincoat, who approaches the counter carrying an orchid. He has greying hair and a receding hairline. He puts the orchid on the table and seems to engage the florist in a long conversation. Abby’s heart sinks as she watches him pay cash for the flower.

  ‘Do you recognize him?’

  Abby shakes her head. She looks closely at the screen. She’s certain she’s never seen him before in her life.

  ‘Do you think he could be your stalker?’ asks Danny.

  ‘I don’t think he could be. I’ve never even seen him before, so how he would know about my tattoo?’

  She takes a photo of the frozen screen on her phone, just in case. Then they fast-forward through the last few minutes of the day.

  ‘Did you find what you were looking for?’ the assistant asks, coming back to the table with the CCTV monitor.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ says Abby, disappointed. She’d been so sure this was her breakthrough.

  ‘Oh, that’s a shame. I hope it works out for you . . . with this guy.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Abby smiles politely.

  ‘Well, it was worth a try,’ says Danny outside the shop. ‘I’ve got to dash. I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Mm,’ Abby sighs. ‘Thanks, Danny.’ She waves him off, then walks back towards the house. She feels deflated. This has been yet another wild goose chase.

  SEPTEMBER

  Your baby is almost due now, though remember only roughly 5 per cent of babies arrive on their actual due date. You’ll probably be feeling tired and clumsy and it might be difficult to get comfortable this month. On the bright side, the baby will drop lower in your pelvis, taking the pressure off your lungs and making it easier to breathe. Try to eat well and get plenty of rest.

  Thirty-Two

  The summer holidays are over, it’s the start of a new term and Abby is stuck at home growing fat. Her weight has ballooned. She’s put on almost two stone and can’t see her feet anymore. Putting on shoes has become problematic. Most mornings she goes swimming because water is the only place where she doesn’t feel like a beached whale. She feels as if she’s in a kind of limbo waiting for the delivery, waiting to get rid of this unwelcome parasite inside her and become a single person again.

  September doesn’t bring any relief from the hot weather, just days and days of bright, dry sunshine and Abby finds herself struggling to keep cool. She can’t walk far without getting a stich-like pain in her lower back, and a feeling of immense pressure on her pelvis. At the weekend, after only twenty minutes walking with Ellie and Hector in Ashridge Park, she has to stop. They sit in the café and order iced lemonade while Hector flops down, panting in the shade under the table. The café is crowded, mostly with young families. Abby looks around to see if anyone is watching her. It’s become second nature to her now – the constant vigilance – the constant looking over her shoulder.

  Ellie leans over and scratches Hector’s neck. ‘Have you thought any more about what we said?’ she asks.

  Abby is confused. She’s still thinking about her stalker. ‘About what?’

  ‘About us adopting your baby. Rob and me.’

  Abby takes a deep breath. This moment has been coming for a long time. She’s been trying to delay it, but she knows it can’t be avoided for much longer. In a way, she’s glad Ellie has brought up the subject, so she doesn’t have to.

  ‘I’m going to go ahead with Joel and Maria – the couple that came to the house. I promised them I’d give them the baby.’

  Ellie’s body tenses like she’s been stabbed in the gut. When she speaks, her voice is cold. ‘So . . . you’d rather give up your baby to complete strangers than to me and Rob, is that it?’

  ‘No.’ How can she explain it? ‘I know you would be a great mum and Rob would be a great dad. It’s just I don’t want to have anything to do with it when it’s born. I want to forget this whole thing ever happened.’

  ‘Her. You don’t want anything to do with her.’

  ‘Okay, with her. I don’t want to be reminded of how she came to be.’

  ‘That’s pretty cold.’

  ‘You don’t understand. When I think about the father of this baby, I feel sick.’

  ‘That’s a bit overdramatic, Abby. I mean you don’t even know who the father is. How can he make you feel sick?’

  ‘Is it? I was raped, for Christ’s sake, Ellie.’ Abby’s voice is shaking with rage. How can Ellie not see this? ‘What do I say to her when she grows up and asks about her dad? Daddy’s a creep who raped me and then stalked me.’

  ‘How do you know you were raped? You don’t even remember.’ Ellie takes a deep, shuddering breath. ‘You know what I think? I think you got drunk and slept with someone at the party. And you’ve made up this whole story to justify what happened.’ Ellie pauses and flushes a little. ‘I mean, I don’t think you’re consciously lying. I know you’ve convinced yourself it’s true . . . but really, what proof do you have?’

  Abby stares at her. She knew Ellie had doubts, but she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Not from Ellie – Ellie, who’s always been her ally, her best friend.

  ‘You really think that?’ Abby says at last, feeling tears prick her eyes. ‘What about the letters? The flowers. You think I made them up too? You think I wrote them to myself?’

  Ellie shrugs. ‘No, of course not. I think some kid in school has got a weird crush on you . . . I mean, whoever it is clearly has psychological problems, but I don’t think they’re dangerous and I don’t think they’re the father of your baby.’ Ellie folds her hands in her lap. Her lips form a hard line. ‘It’s not just you anymore, Abby. You’ve got to think about what’s best for the baby. You don’t know anything about this couple. They could be child abusers, for all you know.’

  ‘They seem like very nice people . . .’

  But Ellie isn’t listening. She doesn’t want to hear anything positive about Joel and Maria. ‘Whatever the father did or didn’t do, that little person inside you has done nothing to you. She’s half of you. How can you abandon her? It’s not natural. It’s selfish.’

  This is too much. Abby is shaking with rage. How dare she call her selfish?

  ‘Me selfish?’ she raises her voice. ‘Perhaps, you’d better take a look at yourself, Ellie. You’re the selfish one here. You’re not thinking about me at all. All you want is a baby for yourself. You don’t care how you get it or give a fuck about what I’m going through. Just because you lost your baby doesn’t give you the right to decide what everyone else does with theirs.’

  Before Ellie has the chance to respond, Abby stands up and storms away down the footpath back toward town.

  Thirty-Three

  Abby shoves her clothes in the locker and slips the key on a red plastic band over her wrist. The swimming pool smells of chlorine and the air’s warm and fuggy. A large, orange flume dominates one end of the pool and children are hurtling down, their shrieks of laughter echoing around the vaulted ceiling. She lowers herself into a lane and strikes out with determined strokes, enjoying the buoyancy of the water and trying to empty her mind through sheer physical exertion. But that’s easier said than done. There’s so much on her mind. She keeps returning to the argument with Ellie yesterday. She’s alr
eady regretting the things she said. Okay, Ellie was out of order, but she really went too far, bringing up the baby she lost. It was cruel, and she’s never been a cruel person. Maybe Ellie’s right. Maybe she is being selfish.

  Ellie has always been there for her and has done so much for her, a million small kindnesses over the years. Not to mention the way she and Rob have let her live in their home. This is the one time Ellie’s ever asked Abby for anything and Abby has refused her. No wonder she’s angry.

  By the time she’s finished ten lengths Abby has come to a decision. She’s going to let Ellie adopt the baby. It won’t be so bad. The baby need never know that Abby’s her biological mother, and if it all gets too much, well, then she can always leave, go abroad, travel. Maybe that teaching-English-in-Thailand idea isn’t such a bad one. She’s always wanted to see a bit of the world.

  It feels like a weight has lifted from her shoulders. She pictures Ellie’s face when she tells her. How happy she’s going to be. It feels good to be able to give Ellie the one thing she can’t have, the one thing she wants more than anything.

  Abby must be grinning because an old lady in a swimming cap smiles at her. ‘Keep going,’ she says, and it feels like profound advice. Keep going. That’s all she can do, after all. As she gets out of the swimming pool and heads to the changing rooms she pictures Rob and Ellie in the park together pushing a toddler – a little curly-haired girl – in a swing, a child with the best start in life, because where could you find a better mother than Ellie?

  Once she’s dry and changed Abby finds her phone at the back of her locker. There are three missed calls, all from Ellie. Abby calls her straight back. She can’t wait to tell Ellie her decision. But the phone just rings and rings until the recording says that Elizabeth Campbell is not available, please try again later. Abby switches off her phone. She’s probably with a patient. It’ll be better to wait and give her the news in person anyway.

  On her way home Abby stops off at Mothercare and looks at the bewildering array of baby products. She wants to buy something to symbolize her commitment to this decision, so she buys a pack of nappies, a couple of tiny white baby vests and sleepsuits and a new nightshirt for the hospital. At the supermarket she stops off and gets some food, the ingredients for lasagne, Ellie’s favourite meal. Abby hates cooking, and Ellie and Rob are always teasing her about what a bad cook she is, but it will be a gesture, at least, a sign of how sorry she is for hurting Ellie and how committed she is to this decision.

  For the first time in a long time, she feels properly happy and at peace. The sun is shining and just a couple of fluffy white clouds float by in the sky. Everything is going to be okay.

  Even Rob notices the change in her. He’s outside in the garden clipping the hedge and talking to their elderly neighbour.

  ‘You look good, Abby. She’s positively glowing, isn’t she, Barbara? Still, not as sexy as you, though.’

  ‘Oh, go on with you . . .’ says Barbara. ‘Isn’t he an idiot?’ She nods and smiles at Abby. ‘You look about ready to pop.’

  ‘Only another three weeks to go,’ says Abby. She wants to tell Rob about her decision, but not before Ellie, so she says nothing. She’ll wait until Ellie gets home from work. She’ll tell them together over dinner. She pictures their faces when she tells them, as she stirs the cheese sauce for the lasagne. It feels good to be giving – to be thinking about something else for a change, instead of obsessing over her stalker. She wants to make this as special as possible, so she places a candle on the table. She even picks a flower from the garden and puts it in a vase in the centre of the table.

  ‘Is it a special occasion?’ says Rob, coming in and washing his muddy hands in the sink. ‘You didn’t need to go to all this effort for me, Abigail.’

  ‘Not exactly . . .’ Abby looks at the clock. Ellie is still not back. She should be home by now. She’s usually back by seven o’clock at the latest.

  ‘Well, I’m starving. What are we waiting for?’ says Rob.

  ‘Ellie, of course. Where’s she got to?’

  ‘Oh!’ Rob slaps his head. ‘Didn’t you know? She’s out with Carla for dinner this evening.’

  Abby is gutted. All that effort wasted. ‘Did she say what time she’d be back?’

  Rob shrugs. ‘I don’t think she’ll be late. She’s got work early in the morning. She was a bit upset last night. What happened between you two?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. We argued about something. But it’s all sorted now.’ Abby sighs. ‘Anyway, it would be a shame to let this food go to waste.’

  They sit and eat the lasagne in front of the TV. Then, after Rob has gone to bed, Abby waits up for Ellie, watching a police drama to pass the time. But when Ellie is still not home at twelve o’clock she starts to worry. She looks out of the window. The weather has turned. The stars and moon are obscured by dark clouds and there’s an ominous rumble of thunder. It’s not like Ellie to stay out so late on a week night, but maybe she’s decided to wait for the storm to pass.

  At one o’clock, when Abby goes to bed, Ellie is still not home. She guesses that Ellie hasn’t forgiven her for the argument they had yesterday and is staying out late to avoid seeing her. She’ll have to wait until tomorrow to tell her the good news.

  Thirty-Four

  There’s the sound of heavy rain lashing against the windowpane and someone is banging on her door.

  ‘Abby!’ Rob puts his head round the door ‘Wake up!’

  She rolls over, prises open her eyes and looks at her alarm clock. It’s 6.30 in the morning.

  ‘What is it?’ she says groggily as Rob comes in. He’s dressed for work in a shirt and tie, but he, too, looks tired and bleary eyed.

  ‘Shit, Rob. What kind of time is this?’ she says. ‘Get out of my room.’

  ‘She’s not back. She hasn’t come back yet.’

  Abby is immediately wide awake. It’s worse than she thought. Ellie must be really angry with her. She sits up, clutching the sheet to her chest. Since it’s been so hot, she’s taken to sleeping in the nude. ‘Okay, give me a minute. I’ll be right down.’

  Once Rob has gone she grabs underwear and picks up a pair of jeans and a T-shirt lying on the floor, pulling them on. She runs downstairs to the living room where Rob is pacing up and down.

  ‘I don’t know what to do? What should we do?’ he says. ‘I’ve been calling and calling but she’s not answering her phone. I’ve got to go to work.’ Usually so confident and buoyant, Rob seems lost and confused. His eyes are wild, and his hair is standing up on end. He looks like he’s hardly slept at all. Abby has never seen him like this before. She realizes she’s going to have to take charge of the situation.

  ‘Call them and tell them you’ll be late,’ she says decisively. ‘She probably stayed the night at Carla’s. I’ll phone the surgery. Maybe she’s gone straight there.’

  ‘But I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t she let us know where she was?’

  Abby isn’t worried. Not really. Not yet. She thinks she understands what has happened and feels a twinge of guilt but also of anger. Ellie is clearly still furious about what she said at the café, and she can see why she wouldn’t tell her what she was doing, but it is weird that she hasn’t let Rob know where she is either.

  She boils the kettle and makes them both a cup of tea.

  ‘It’s okay,’ she tells Rob. ‘She’ll be at work, you’ll see.’ But when she calls the surgery, no one answers. ‘She’s not there yet,’ she says, disappointed.

  ‘Have you got Carla’s number?’ asks Rob. He sips his tea, then stands up, raking agitated fingers through his hair. ‘I can’t remember it, but she must still be there, right?’

  ‘Right. I haven’t got her number, but I’ll go around there after breakfast,’ says Abby soothingly. ‘You go to work. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. She’s probably just left her phone at work or
something. You know what she’s like.’

  Rob nods and puts on his jacket. ‘You’ll call me as soon as you find out where she is?’

  ‘Yes, don’t worry. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.’

  When Rob has gone she tries Ellie’s number again. There’s no answer. The phone just rings and rings. She pictures Ellie looking at her name flash up and ignoring it. Damn you, Ellie, she thinks. Then, after a few moment’s thought she sends a text.

  Ellie, I changed my mind. She’s all yours. I’m not giving her up for adoption. Pls call me. Let’s not fight.

  A few minutes later she picks up her umbrella and heads out in the rain to Carla’s house.

  *

  The lake in the park is overflowing and large sections are flooded right up to the bandstand. Carla’s house is right next to the park. There are sodden toys scattered in the garden like the aftermath of a biblical disaster.

  Carla opens the door, one baby in her arm and a toddler clinging to her leg. Peppa Pig is playing loudly from the living room. She looks harassed, her usually perfect make-up smudged and her hair slipping out of her ponytail.

  ‘Abigail! she exclaims, surprised. ‘Come in. I’m sorry about the mess.’

  ‘Actually, I just want to speak with Ellie. She’s not answering her phone.’

  Carla looks confused. ‘Ellie? She’s not here. Look, do you want to come in out of the rain?’ She ushers Abby into a chaotic living room and clears a space on the sofa, throwing toys and baby clothes onto the floor.

  Abby sits down. Ellie must be on her way to work. They must have just missed each other, she thinks. ‘What time did she leave?’

  Carla’s eyes widen as she rocks the baby. ‘What do you mean, what time did she leave? She hasn’t been here.’

  ‘She didn’t come here after you went to dinner last night?’

  ‘No. We didn’t have dinner last night. Why?’

  Abby’s heart sinks. If Ellie didn’t stay here last night, then where was she? A wave of sharp pain grips her belly and she clutches her stomach.