Finding Sky

by Cass Sellars

  Jess sat across the booth and watched Skylar experience her first garlic knot from the metal plate balanced over a sterno candle.

  She closed her eyes and held the butter-soaked bread in her mouth. “I think people must have heart attacks right here. This is just a big, delicious, garlicky mound of carbs and cholesterol.” Skylar chewed appreciatively. “You shouldn’t have brought me here. I’m going to have dreams about bread now.” She opened her mouth to take another bite and caught Jess looking at her.

  “Do I have food on my face?” Skylar’s hands flew to cover her mouth.

  “No. I just knew you would love it. Wait for the pizza.”

  Skylar sipped at her second glass of wine and relaxed into the pleather booth. “Thank you for this. I mean bringing me here. This one’s on me.”

  Jess ignored her. “So, last time I regaled you with uncomfortable coming-out stories. I think it’s your turn. Tell me about Deb.”

  “You want to hear ex-girlfriend stories?” Skylar said with amusement in her voice.

  “I’m just wondering. I like to hear stories, unless it upsets you.” She folded her leg under her and waited. Jess watched Skylar fidget and smoothed her hands over the loose curls that wrapped over her shoulder.

  “It doesn’t. Things don’t usually upset me once they’re over.”

  “Okay, good. So, no regrets.” Jess rested her chin in one hand and gestured for her to continue with the other.

  “I’m well over the transition stage, you know, always a couple to very single.” She chewed slowly, seeming to relish the starchy indulgence.

  “We were together twelve years, like I said. The first two years we were actually just roommates and friends. A bottle of cheap champagne and a couple of bad decisions turned us into more than that.”

  “You were young.”

  “Yeah, eighteen when we met. I was on my own and she wanted to piss off her father, who wanted her to work for the family business and live in his big waterfront house in Point Richmond.”

  “Nice. Will he adopt me?” Jess stuffed another bit of bread in her mouth.

  “I have to warn you, it’ll come at a price that Deb hasn’t counted on yet. I’ve learned that everything comes at a price,” she said without clarifying.

  “Go on.”

  “I also figured out that although I hated feeling lonely, I relished being alone. One of the many enigmas that drove Deb to the brink. We came from very different places and Deb wasn’t the kind to be patient with anyone’s fallibilities, especially in light of the fact that she didn’t think she had any of her own.”

  Jess hoped she was finally being granted a glimpse into Skylar’s closely held world.

  “The one good thing that came from that relationship was the five years’ experience I got working in operations. Deb’s father, Charles, owned Forston Properties, and he let me work there.”

  Jess recognized the large firm, but they had never crossed paths in business. “He was okay with the relationship?”

  “I think he was okay with anything Deb did. Turned out she wasn’t that ready for a commitment.”

  “How so?” She swallowed her wine but didn’t really taste it, choosing to focus on the conversation and, absurdly, the length of Skylar’s eyelashes.

  “I think for it really to work, you have to be ready to shine a light on each other’s dark places. If you aren’t ready to see all the ugly that lurks there, you just coexist. That’s my theory, anyway.”

  “I like it.”

  “You ready to shine the light on Whitney’s dark places, Jess?”

  Jess winced at the question. She wasn’t ready to discuss Whitney with Skylar, nor was she ready to leave the story. “No deflecting, Ms. Addison. You aren’t finished.”

  “You certainly have a weird idea of entertainment, Jess.” Skylar looked sideways at her.

  “Could be, now finish.” Jess smiled and nudged her leg under the table.

  “So, we managed to coexist at work and tolerate each other at home. The beginning of this year Deb’s dad started buying up real estate when the market slagged a bit. He bought a nice little condo in the Hills and he offered it to us, well, to her. It seemed like the perfect escape for her and the perfect point of resistance for me. I didn’t want to live off her dad, and she thought I was stupid for not taking advantage of his money. I want to build my retirement fund and buy my own place one day and she seems willing to wait until she inherits a boatload of money. She plans on coasting until it happens.”

  “Do you still talk?” The waitress bought Skylar another glass of wine while Jess still nursed her first.

  “Things are kind of awkward at the moment, but we’ll be friends again one day. She’s basically a nice person. Besides, we’ve known each other too long and seen each other through too much.”

  “Would you do it again?”

  “The relationship?” Skylar took a sip and seemed to regard Jess thoughtfully.

  “Yeah.” Jess nodded.

  “I think the better question is would I not do it at all. I don’t think anyone wants to think about repeating mistakes. It’s like asking if you would do high school all over again; no one but jocks and cheerleaders would.”

  “Fair point.”

  “But no,” Skylar continued. “I wouldn’t change it. I learned a lot.”

  “Like what?” Jess hoped she didn’t appear to be prying, but every detail pertaining to Skylar seemed imperative.

  “I’m better at holding on to jobs than holding on to women.”

  Skylar smiled but Jess noticed the breeze of discomfort sift through her words.

  “I think we all are.” Jess pulled apart a piece of the pizza that arrived at their table. “Close your eyes.”

  “What? What are you going to do?”

  “Learn to trust me, Skylar.” Jess didn’t examine the statement and pushed a small piece of pizza into her mouth. “Keep ’em closed, just taste.”

  Skylar chewed slowly and sighed. “I think you’re right. The best pizza I’ve ever had.”

  “See? I’ll never steer you wrong.”

  Two hours fell away, and Jess saw her phone buzzing. She turned it facedown and watched Skylar fall against the booth instead.

  “I am officially going to have to be carried out of here. That was so good.”

  “Told you. More wine?” She wanted to do anything to prolong the moments with her despite the fact that both of them seemed to be fading from the long day.

  “Oh God, no. I need bed and a four-hour workout.”

  Those two things might go perfectly together, but Jess shoved the thought from her mind. Reluctantly, she signaled for the check, which Skylar snatched from her fingers.

  “I told you this was mine. Don’t argue.”

  “Fine. I’ll get the next one.” She idly wondered what excuse would put Skylar across a dinner table from her again.

  “I think next time we hang out should be a jog around Lake Merritt, so I don’t become a blimp.”

  “You’re on. I think I have a score to settle.” Jess was strangely energized by the promise of future engagement.

  “Whatever.” Skylar laughed and rolled her eyes.

  Twenty minutes later, Jess pulled to a stop in front of the apartment and opened the trunk for her bag. Skylar offered a hug in exchange, which Jess noted was too short for her.

  “Thank you.” She willed her hands not to slide down Skylar’s back. She was her employee and, most importantly, very clearly not interested in her.

  “Thank you. It was a great day. Be careful driving home?” The last sentence sounded like a whisper, and Jess fought the chills that raced down her arms.

  “Good night, Sky.” She never asked if it was okay to use the nickname, but it suited her.

  “Good night, Jess.”

  Sighing, Jess got back on the road. She couldn’t stop smiling, and she liked the way she felt after every evening with Skylar. When the phone buzzed again, she tucked the feeling away. She hit
the Bluetooth and answered.

  “Hey.”

  “Well, I was five minutes from calling the highway patrol. You’ve been ages!” Whitney’s irritation at Jess’s being with someone aside from her on a Saturday night was evident.

  “Sorry. I got caught up talking about work.” She lied to save the rest of what she hoped would be a peaceful evening.

  “Workaholic.” The words sounded cautiously playful, and Jess was happy for the undeclared truce.

  “Not the first time I’ve heard that. From you, in fact.”

  “I got a treat and a surprise. Want to meet up? I’ll even sit on your beloved balcony.”

  “Sure. I’ll be home in about thirty minutes.” She tried not to examine the pattern that was developing where Whitney seemed to be a physical substitute for Skylar. She vowed that tonight they would just sleep. If she was honest, saving what was left of her evening was much more important than fighting with Whitney before she had all her conversational ducks in a row. This would end. It had to. Especially given Whitney’s behavior that afternoon. Jess just needed a plan, but she wanted to savor the past moments with Skylar before dissecting the non-future with Whitney. She wasn’t trading one for the other since there was nothing to be had with Skylar, but it had made her realize what was missing. Butterflies.

  Chapter Nine

  Whitney sat on the front porch with a large bakery box and a bottle of Prosecco. Jess could see the Ward’s logo from the bottom of the stairs.

  “You know there’s diabetes in my family.” Jess smiled slightly as she jogged up the stairs.

  “I’ll make you eat slowly, love.”

  Jess thought Whitney tried to make everything sound sexy. Well, everything but possessiveness and propriety.

  “Good luck. Especially if those are chocolate-covered strawberries.”

  “Yup! Your favorite.” She rose from the stair and tilted her face for a kiss.

  Jess obliged quickly and then moved past her into the house.

  The house was chilly but smelled like the jasmine vine outside the kitchen windows she had left open. She thought about what Skylar had said about relishing being alone. She realized that she didn’t seem to be alone much anymore, and she wondered if she missed it. Actually, she knew she did. Whitney didn’t deserve to be blamed for all the resentment she seemed to be harboring, but she owned a good bit of tonight’s.

  She slid open the balcony doors and uncorked Whitney’s bottle.

  “Guess you’re going to hold me to the balcony promise tonight, huh?”

  “Yes, I am. It’s actually a crime to eat these inside.” She held the box aloft and waited for Whitney to follow her.

  “Except if you’re in bed eating them off someone naked, where it’s warm.” Whitney slid her fingers through Jess’s thick hair when she stopped to face Whitney.

  Jess pressed a warm kiss against her lips and heard her moan appreciatively. She fought to retain her resolve and pushed Whitney away playfully.

  “Well, then at least give me a sweater, meanie!” Whitney accepted a flute with the bubbly wine. She leaned against the railing while Jess draped a fleece jacket around her shoulders.

  “Thanks, love. Have a strawberry.” She attempted to feed one into Jess’s mouth before Jess took it from her and handed Whitney her own on a napkin.

  “My way was a little more romantic, Jess.” A pout began to form.

  “Also, much messier.” Jess quickly redirected the conversation. “So, tell me the surprise you mentioned on the phone.” Jess straddled the lounge chair and formed a very definite separation between them with the bakery box. Whitney sighed and shoved the rest of the sticky fruit into her mouth.

  She appeared to be ensuring that Jess would pay attention to her. Whitney licked chocolate remnants from her fingers and took a long sip from her glass before she began speaking enthusiastically.

  “My boss has an executive client party every year. I think I mentioned it before. They usually rent a bus and go to a Giants game or something boring like that. Staff is invited, but I don’t go unless one of my clients needs some schmoozing.”

  “Right.” Jess forced herself to listen and not review her evening with Skylar.

  “So, this year, his new wife, you know, the young hottie he just married? Anyway, Becca told him that he needed to do better this year with the party, so he’s opening up his place in Napa next weekend for a wine tour and an overnight retreat. His place has like ten bedrooms, and I negotiated the little apartment in the back just for us.” Her voice rose an octave as she made an enthusiastic fist-pumping motion in the air. “Hell, it might as well be our own spa up there. We could spend the weekend tipsy and naked.”

  “Well, I hardly think the wineries will appreciate our showing up naked.”

  Whitney made a hissing noise at Jess’s diversionary tactic and crossed her arms over her chest defiantly.

  “I’m being serious, Jess. Don’t you think it’s time we go away together?”

  Jess wondered what measure of time had passed in what rule book that said they had to do any such thing. “Well, I don’t know if it’s time or not, but I don’t think I can.” The wheels in Jess’s mind turned quickly as she tried to assemble a plausible excuse for why going away for the weekend wasn’t something she could, let alone wished, to do.

  “Why not? You’re fully staffed now, the fiscal year is over, the run is over. This seems like the perfect time.” She looked perplexed. Perplexed on the way to being very definitely pissed.

  Jess pressed her forehead into the heel of her hands and thought logically that she was absolutely right. Intellectually it seemed reasonable, but she couldn’t reconcile the idea with her emotions. She regarded a perturbed Whitney staring at her.

  “Whit, I just don’t think we should go away for the weekend.” Jess envisioned a long conversational walk from the proverbial short pier.

  “Why not?” She looked as if she was quite aware that the ensuing conversation wasn’t going to be a good one. Jess felt the intensity grow as Whitney tilted her head expectantly, waiting for her to speak. Jess was desperately grasping for properly assembled words.

  “What I mean is, I’m not sure that we should make this more than it already is.” She dropped the last few words of the sentence like they were scalding coals. She felt like she had to in case she lost her nerve.

  Whitney looked shocked and then decidedly furious.

  “You don’t think we should make what more, Jess?” Whitney waited only seconds before she continued, “Us? Really?”

  “Yes.” Jess thought reinforcing the idea would help her resolution.

  “After our last few weeks together? Is this about what I said to what’s-her-face?”

  Jess looked at her as if trying to make her out through thick fog, suddenly thoroughly confused. “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, come on, I’m sure she mentioned our little conversation while you were being her chauffeur in shining armor tonight.” Whitney’s sarcastic tone grated on Jess.

  “Whitney, seriously, what are you talking about? Did you say something to Skylar?”

  Whitney huffed and pulled the fleece tighter around her. “It’s nothing…not really. I just made sure she knew the score. In case she felt it would be appropriate to seek any kind of a personal relationship with you.”

  Jess shook her head and felt her own fury rising. “Wait. What exactly did you say in the very few moments that you were alone with her?” Jess’s attention was laser focused on Whitney, who was seemingly fixated on Skylar.

  “I just told her that life was, you know, kind of a metaphor for running, okay? I made her realize that no matter how much she wants to claim the prize, she should remember to…you know…stay in her lane.” Whitney shrugged and offered a rueful smirk, apparently not taking the opportunity to lessen the sting of Jess’s reaction.

  Jess rose from her seat, her appetite for gourmet strawberries truly and completely gone. She stopped about six feet in from wh
ere Whitney stood.

  “What on earth would possess you to say anything like that to her? To anyone?” She was beyond livid.

  “Look, I just wanted her to know that it would be inappropriate to expect any form of a connection outside of a professional one with you. I was just looking out for you.”

  “I hardly think that was your motivation,” Jess snapped. “And what gives you the right to quantify my relationships or potential relationships with anyone else?”

  “Well, gee, I don’t know, Jess, the fact that we fuck four times a week?”

  Jess winced at the words that were intentionally crude.

  “The fact that we’re together all the time and we’re perfect together?” Whitney seemed to seethe at being asked to explain or defend herself. Her normally pale, smooth skin was red and as angry as her eyes.

  “Are you kidding me right now? So we’ve gone from a casual, adult connection to ‘I licked it, so it’s mine’?”

  “Yeah, something like that.” Whitney looked defiant.

  “I have never been less attracted to you than I am right now.” Jess hadn’t intended to be so blunt, but she was furious. Despite her anger, her voice remained at an even level.

  “Well, the feeling’s mutual. If you want to cheat on me with some dirty blond tramp in your office, then go ahead and live up to what everybody thinks you are anyway.”

  “And what is that?” Jess couldn’t help but ask.

  “A womanizing skirt-chaser who’s going to run everybody through the CEO version of the casting couch before they get a job with you. You know, succumb to you before they work for you?”

  “Nobody thinks that but you. Nobody has even alluded to anything like that but you and some idiot on a community television show, and even he was a little less crass.”

  Whitney’s tone shifted abruptly. “Look, I think this has gotten way out of hand.” Whitney walked toward her as she clearly tried to temper the heat of the exchange.

  “Tell me about it.” Jess paced the length of the balcony, steering very clear of Whitney, who was reaching out to her.

  “Jess, what I mean is we are really good together, and I’m sorry if I upset you. It’s my instinct to want to protect you and your business, not to mention your reputation.” She walked again toward Jess, who waved her away, moving to the other end of the suddenly inadequate space.