Harlem wanted to dissolve into a puddle on the floor.
Carter knew that question was coming. He responded as honestly as he knew how. He sat up and put his elbows on the table. “It wasn’t my preference.”
“Then, why do it?” Elijah asked again.
Harlem looked at Carter with sympathetic eyes.
“Not only was Damian like a brother to me, I literally owe him my life. I’m alive and sitting at this table because he donated one of his kidney’s to me. He wanted a child, and I could help. It’s as simple as that.”
“I didn’t know that,” Elaine said quietly.
“So you answered the call,” Elijah said.
Carter cracked a smile. “Not at first. I did my best to convince Damian to use an anonymous donor. I thought it would be weird to visit him and possibly look into the face of a kid that looked like me.”
“Damian could be very persuasive.” Harlem co-signed.
Elaine knew that to be true. Damian had convinced Harlem to give up on several things that were near and dear to her heart.
“How could I say no? I also thought Harlem would kill that idea in its infancy.”
“Why did you think that?” Elijah asked.
Carter and Harlem turned to each other and laughed. “Let’s just say your daughter wasn’t too fond of me.”
“Really? I find that interesting.” Elijah sat back in his chair. He and Elaine exchanged a glance.
Harlem didn’t miss it. She narrowed her eyes, wondering what that silent conversation was all about.
“Let’s just say I am not the marrying kind and had no intention of ever having children.”
Harlem hated when men said that. “What does not being the marrying kind even mean?”
Elaine answered as she stood up from the table. “It means he hasn’t found the one. When he does, all that nonsense will go flying right out of the window.”
Elijah nodded in agreement. “Yep. I played the field for the longest time. Met your mom, and it was a wrap.”
Carter couldn’t imagine it.
“C’mon, Harlem. Help me with dessert.” Her mom said.
Oh shit. That meant her dad still had some questions. Slowly, she rose from her chair and gave Carter the, I’m sorry look.
Once they had left the room, Elijah got down to business. “Harlem means everything to me. Everything. I disapproved of how she chose to start her family, but she did it anyway. I’m all for in-vitro, but Damian wouldn’t commit to her as in marrying my daughter.”
Carter stood up for his friend. “Damian loved Harlem. He was completely committed and would have been one hell of a dad.”
Elijah didn’t want to be insensitive. “That may be true. Regardless of how I feel about this situation, I will always have my daughter’s back. She has been through a lot this year. Not minimizing your loss, but Harlem is my only child. She’s single and pregnant. Sperm donor or not, that kid is going to be here around Christmas. What’s your plan?”
Carter took a deep breath. “I will be there for her and the baby. They will always be able to count on me. However, you should know, Harlem doesn’t consider me the father of her child. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it either.”
“Harlem might feel the way she feels, but that child that’s growing inside of her body probably won’t feel the same way.” Elijah scratched the side of his jaw. “Look, I understand why couples who can’t conceive would want to go the in-vitro route, but my guess is this situation is a little different. Again, I’m asking, what is the plan?”
Carter hadn’t thought that far down the road. “All I can do is my best. For now, we’re taking it one step at a time.”
Elijah could see his mind working and felt that he had made his point. “That’s all any of us can do.” He picked up a glass of lemonade and took a drink. “You fish?” Elijah asked the question as if he hadn’t just taken the lynch pin out of several grenades.
“Can’t say that I do,” Carter answered.
“Let’s schedule some time. How about two Sundays from now?”
“In the cold?” Carter asked.
“Ice fishing is the best.” Elijah laughed. “I’ll guide you through it. How the hell are you going to teach my grandchild to fish if you don’t know what you’re doing?”
Carter had a feeling Mr. Thomas was talking about more than just fishing. Carter nodded. “I’ll clear my schedule.” Just as he finished speaking, Harlem and her mom came out of the kitchen carrying dessert plates.
Harlem looked anxious.
“Is that peach cobbler?” Elijah said as if he and Carter had only been talking about the weather.
Elaine sat his plate down in front of him. “Yep. Sure is. We have vanilla ice-cream to go with ours, but Harlem has black-walnut ice-cream.”
Harlem mouthed to Carter as she touched his shoulder and placed his dessert in front of him. “Are you okay?”
He nodded.
It was the little touches and glances that piqued her parent’s interest.
After another hour, it was time for Carter to go. “I should get going. I need to get to the hotel.”
“What?” Elaine said. “Oh no. You’re not going to a hotel when we have three spare bedrooms.”
“Mrs. Thomas, you’ve been more than gracious. I couldn’t possibly.”
“Nonsense. Tomorrow is a big day. You and Harlem are going to visit Damian for his birthday. I refuse to allow you to be by yourself tonight. You should be with family.”
Her words hit him hard. Aside from Damian, Carter only had himself to depend on. He didn’t really know what to say. The simple words of thank you felt inadequate, but it was all he could croak out. “Thank you.”
*****
Harlem knocked softly on Carter’s door. He opened it. “Hey.”
She was holding two mugs. “You want some coffee?”
“That would be great.”
“Let’s go sit outside for a minute.”
“It’s cold as fuck outside.”
She smiled. “Don’t be a wuss. Grab a coat, and let’s go.”
He did as asked. They went outside and sat down on the bench on the porch. It was cold, but the sky was clear. Harlem could see her breath as she spoke. “How are you? Really?”
Carter exhaled. “I don’t know. A lot is going on.”
She nodded. “I certainly understand that. My dad is a good guy. He’s just protective.”
“You don’t need to apologize for your father being a father. I appreciate his straightforwardness.”
“Thanks for being understanding.” They continued to look up into an inky night sky that was void of stars. A few moments later, as they sat quietly, she spoke into the darkness. “This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that.” She turned to him. “I know that you’re grieving, but you have to believe it too. None of this is easy. And just so we are clear, I know that you have my back, but I meant what I said. I also have yours. You’re not alone.”
Her words meant a lot. “Thank you.”
She reached for his hand. “We’re bonded for life, right?”
Carter took her hand and held it. “It looks like it.”
Chapter 24
Harlem lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The sun was just starting to break through for the day, but she’d been wide awake for a couple of hours.
Harlem whispered. “Happy Birthday.”
Getting through the funeral was tough, but today was going to be equally long and emotional. Harlem was still in shock on the day of the funeral. On that day, her only goal was to get through it. She didn’t really say a proper goodbye. If she were honest, Harlem had only recently begun to process Damian’s death. Due to her pregnancy, she didn’t have the luxury to wallow in her own pain and guilt. She needed to forgive herself, forgive him, and then let Damian go so that she could move forward. She mumbled. “No point in trying to go back to sleep.”
Harlem got out of bed and put on her robe and slippers. She wal
ked softly into the kitchen, trying not to wake up the house. It was still only around 5:30 in the morning. Harlem put on a pot of decaf coffee. She turned around only to find Carter standing in the kitchen doorway with his coat on. His voice was low, so he didn’t wake up her parents. “I thought I heard someone in here.”
“Oh. It’s only me. I was making a pot of coffee.”
“I was just about to find the nearest McDonald’s or something to grab a cup.”
“You don’t have to go out to get coffee, Carter. All you had to do was ask.”
“It’s kinda early. I didn’t want to bother anyone.”
“Couldn’t sleep?” She could see the dark circles underneath his eyes.
“Not really. I nodded on and off. You?”
“Falling asleep is never a problem. Staying asleep presents all kinds of challenges.”
Carter walked into the kitchen. “You had coffee before bed. Is coffee good for the baby?”
“Please don’t turn into my dad,” Harlem said. “It’s decaf. And just so you know, I’d kill for some regular dark roasted brew, so be careful.” Harlem grabbed a coffee mug out of the cabinet and set it down in front of Carter. “Do you like sugar and cream?” Harlem realized she didn’t know. She’d made his coffee like her own last night.
“No. Black is fine.”
Harlem let the coffee finish brewing, then poured them both a cup. She sat down opposite him at the kitchen table.
Neither of them spoke for a bit. Both were lost in their own thoughts. “Carter?”
The coffee was awful, but he drank it as if it were the best he’d ever had. “Yeah?”
She ran her finger around the rim of her cup. Her words were slow. “When we get to the cemetery, can you give me a few minutes alone?”
“Not a problem. If you don’t mind, I’d like some alone time with Damian too.”
Harlem couldn’t help but notice that unlike yesterday, Carter looked a little more stressed. Her heart didn’t just ache for herself, but it hurt for him too. She hadn’t shared many moments with Carter and wasn’t used to seeing him in this state. She’d only known Carter to be carefree. Harlem could tell that he carried a lot of weight on his shoulders. She was lucky to have family and friends to share her burden. Carter had . . . Elaina. Harlem hoped that Elaina was the support that Carter needed.
*****
Carter and Harlem stopped by the florist before they made the short drive over to the cemetery. Neither said much. The tension in the car grew thicker the closer they came to where Damian was buried.
Finally, the car stopped. Carter didn’t cut the engine because it was too cold.
Harlem glanced out of the window. The sky mirrored how she felt. It ranged from a mid-gray to a dirty white as large, fluffy snowflakes began to fall. “We’re here.” She said in a pain-filled voice.
Carter didn’t respond.
“I see they put down the headstone.” Harlem wasn’t really speaking to Carter.
She was only a few short steps away from her final goodbye. Her eyes started to glisten. Her voice was a barely-there whisper. “Do you want to go first?”
Carter cleared his throat. “If you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.” It would give her just a little more time to get her thoughts together.
Carter opened the door, and a gust of cold wind came inside. Harlem wasn’t sure if it was possible to be any colder. She was chilled from the inside out. He closed the door, and she watched him walk over to the gravesite.
Carter stood in front of Damian’s headstone before placing a single white rose on top of it. He read the inscription, In Loving Memory of Damian Jamal Fox. You are always in our hearts. You left us too soon, but we’ll love you forever.
“This is not how we were supposed to be spending your Birthday.” Carter glanced up towards the cloudy sky. He needed the cold from the snow to help him get through this moment. After he’d gathered himself, he continued with his conversation. “These past couple of months have been hell. Half the time, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. One minute, I want to call you just to chop it up, and the next, I want to punch you in the face. You left me in an impossible situation. You told me to live. You told me to thrive. You even had the gall to tell me to make a life with Harlem. You said that she would be the perfect wife for me. Never mind the fact that I would feel like I was betraying you or that YOU were the only thing she and I had in common. I couldn’t imagine doing that, so I found my own version of the perfect woman. You remember Elaina Robins? Probably not. I only mentioned her once or twice. We dated casually but got serious . . .” His voice trailed off, “after you got sick. I think you’d like her. She’s all the things we discussed a good woman should be. The problem is, now that you’ve planted seeds of a romance in my head, I’m now having x-rated dreams about her. That was a fucked up thing to do. Just like making me a father when you know, I had no desire to be one. I don’t want to mess up another human being. You played God with my life and hers. As if all of this isn’t fucked up enough, you mailed a letter that just arrived a few days ago to give to Harlem for today. If you were alive, I’d . . .” Carter gritted his teeth. Emotionally exhausted, he dropped his head to his chest. “I’d hug you so damn hard. Damn, man. You were my only real family.” Carter sighed. “I have no earthly idea of what I’m doing, but I can promise you this, I’ll always make sure that both Harlem and the baby are well taken care of.” He ran a hand down his face. “You know she is not going to make it easy.” Carter released a long and heavy sigh. “The gang sends their love. They wanted to be here but understood the need for Harlem and me to have this time.” Carter paused for a while. “Do me a favor, try not to raise too much hell up there without me–until we meet again.” Carter placed his hand on the cold headstone for a few moments before finally backing away. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked back over to the car, and got inside.
It was evident by the look on his face that Carter was emotionally spent. Harlem felt it was best to leave him alone with his thoughts. They could support one another, but they both had to figure out a way to reconcile their feelings on their own. Harlem was just about to open her door to get out when Carter stopped her. “Wait . . .I have something to give you."
Harlem looked confused. Carter reached over her and into the glove compartment. He opened it and pulled out a letter. “He asked me to give you this.”
Slowly, Harlem looked down at the letter Carter was holding. She didn’t have to read who it was from. Harlem would recognize Damian’s handwriting anywhere. With shaky hands, she took the envelope. “How long have you had this?”
“It arrived a couple of days ago. Damian sent me one too. In my letter, he asked that I give it to you on his birthday.”
Harlem’s throat locked up. She couldn’t form words. Instead, she opened the door of the car and got out. She needed the blast of cold to keep her body from going completely numb. It was vital for her to feel all the hurt, the anger, and pain if she were truly going to heal.
Harlem sucked in a deep breath and took the short walk to where Damian had been laid to rest. She held the dozen white roses she’d purchased from the florist in a death grip. It was jarring to see Damian’s headstone for the very first time. She stared at it for a while. Then, bending low to place her flowers into the beautiful bronze vase that was left at the base of his headstone for this very purpose. Slowly, she stood. Her hand caressed his name that was etched into the stone. “Happy Birthday. You always knew how to throw me off balance. I kind of had a whole speech prepared.” Harlem’s hands shook, and it had nothing to do with the cold. She released a humorless laugh. “You talked about my planning skills. I’m going to say, you have one-upped me in that department.” With trembling fingers, Harlem opened the letter.
Hey Beautiful,
Thank you for the white roses. I know you only give those to people that you really care about. This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. You’re only reading i
t because I’m no longer physically with you.
Having you in my life has been the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. The way you cared for me at the end. You were amazing. Not many women would wipe a grown man’s ass when he couldn’t wipe it himself. Thank you for being so selfless and loyal. You taught me so much, but nothing more important than about family and love. Unfortunately, I learned some of those lessons too late.
There’s so much I want to say, so much I need to apologize for. But before I get into that, I want you to know that you’re the only woman who ever gave me butterflies. I knew the moment I saw you that it was a wrap for anyone else, and I was determined to make you mine. After six years, you wanted marriage, and I wanted a child, but we both wanted them for the wrong reasons. I didn’t doubt our commitment to one another, but we both knew something was missing between us. My guess is your need to get married was a way to fix it. My desire to have a baby came from the same place. If I had the strength, I would have let you go to find the love of your life.
Here comes the hard part, I knew I was dying before we started in-vitro. It’s the reason why I came up with this crazy scheme to get the two people I love the most together. It wasn’t until after I started to get sick and you found out you were pregnant that I realized I was wrong. I had no right to make these decisions for you, but please understand that I thought her baby was his gift–a baby for you to love and a baby to give Carter life. He would stop going through the motions of life, and you would stop living according to your lists and plans. My guess is children won’t allow you to do that.
I’m sorry that I lied and hid my diagnosis from you. There is not enough I’m sorry’s in the world to justify my actions. I wrongly took it upon myself to think I knew what was best for everyone after I was gone.
I knew that my death would be hard on you and that Carter would have the most difficult time adjusting. He’s alone. His family is shit, and for people like him and me, being vulnerable with our inner feelings is nearly impossible. That was the thing we had in common. I also realized that you and Carter have a chemistry that isn’t easy to find between two people. If we’re honest, it’s a chemistry you and I never shared. I know I shouldn’t say this, but if you both let down your guards, you might realize it too. Maybe you could even help each other heal.
Her Baby His Gift (The Slow Burn Duology Book 1) Page 12
