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by Rachel De Lune

  “I’ll get them for you.” Seb leaves me to retrieve my wedding bands. He takes my hand on his return and slowly pushes them onto my finger. His action has me holding back tears, and guilt wells up in me. It was Phil who put those on my finger all those years ago, making me so very happy. Yet today, it’s another man. He wipes the tears from my cheeks and kisses me gently. Reverently.

  “I’ll see you very soon, Izzy, okay? Here.” He takes the key fob that used to be mine for his apartment out of his pocket. “You’ll need this again.”

  I nod and smile at him. I walk out of the apartment towards the lobby and out to the waiting taxi. I reflect on the similarities between my leaving now and the first time I left. So much has changed, and yet I’m still adrift in a storm of emotions—emotions that have grown far more serious than I ever thought possible. I didn’t consider that I’d fall in love or be reminded what it is to be cared for.

  On Monday morning I wake with a determination that I am going to sort everything out. Phil wasn’t home when I returned last night. It meant that I would have to put off the fight for another day.

  As I try to form a plan of when and how to tell Phil things are really over, I can’t escape the thought of Seb and three little words. Words that I am suddenly desperate to hear. Words that I’ve not yet told him. Should I tell him?

  I have a mountain of work to get through when I finally reach my neglected desk. It focuses my mind and stops my recent bad habit of letting my mind wander away. At least I won’t be dwelling on the sorry state of my personal life. Luckily, I have a good relationship with my boss. He accepted my ‘family emergency’ excuse.

  It’s gone six before I dig myself out from my desk and head home. I’m astounded when I’m welcomed home by Phil, cooking in the kitchen.

  “Iz, is that you?” I walk into the kitchen and stop. Years have passed since Phil last ventured into the kitchen, and even then I think it was because I was sick. “Oh good, I thought I’d make you some food and we could talk?”

  “Okay. Yes, we need to talk.” I say the words and my stomach turns. I feel sick at the thought of telling him I want a divorce. I go upstairs to change and also to check my phone. Seb has texted me a few times over the course of the day.

  How are you today, Izzy? S

  I enjoyed the weekend with you, Izzy. The apartment isn’t the same without you. S

  Isabel, don’t make me wait much longer to hear from you. S

  The last text makes me giggle and I quickly send a response back.

  Sorry, Seb, I’ve had a mountain of work to get through. I’ve missed you. Izzy

  My thumb pauses over the send button before I hit it. It’s true. I miss Seb and being with him. I hope that’s what he wants to hear.

  You were about half an hour away from getting a spanking and not the kind I gave you at the weekend. S

  Heat indicates the blush on my face at his words and desire builds in my stomach.

  “Iz, dinner!”

  I’m startled out of my thoughts of Seb with the announcement from Phil, and I’m suddenly right back in the room. I take a breath and head down the stairs.

  “Listen, Iz, I know we’ve been going through a rough time, but I want to put that behind us. I need you to come with me to my company’s Christmas party on Friday.” His sudden launch into conversation startles me, and I’m not sure what to say.

  My skin crawls at the prospect of having to do this. Each year, it’s the same. Some big venue plays host to different companies, hundreds of Christmas revellers out on their work parties, drinking the free wine and eating the free food. Phil insists on going and makes an effort with his co-workers, sucking up to the big boss, while I stay quietly at our table and hope that I get to leave soon.

  “Umm…” I take a few minutes to try to process this, the first real sentence he’s said to me in weeks. “Look, Phil. We both know that a rough patch isn’t all this is. I’m still waiting on that answer from you, and I think we’re delaying the inevitable.” I try to make my voice sound strong although I’m shaking inside.

  “I’m sorry, Iz.” He doesn’t look at me as he says it, revealing how insincere his apology is. He continues to shovel his food into his mouth, not paying me a blind bit of notice.

  “This isn’t going to be solved with you just saying you’re sorry. It’s much bigger than that.”

  He slams his knife and fork down and looks at me.

  “What are you saying?” With those words, I suddenly hear my heart pound and my blood turns to ice. This is my opportunity to tell him how I feel, how I want to end things and get a clean break. But I turn to stone. I can’t say the words. “Iz?”

  “We’re… we don’t work anymore.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is. I’ve been a mess the last few weeks and you’ve not even noticed. Not cared enough to help me. Hell, you didn’t even say anything about me not being here this weekend.” I find my voice and the adrenalin kicks in.

  “Well, what do you want me to say?”

  “We can’t go on like this. I meant what I said, we don’t work.”

  “You’re being ridiculous. And I need you to come out on Friday. The area manager will be there again. You know the emphasis he puts on ‘happily married’ employees. It’s important to my job that you are there.”

  “No. I won’t pretend anymore. And I want you to be honest with me. Tell me about the affair.” The look he gives me makes me cringe. Ice travels up my spine and freezes my body in fear.

  “Would you drop that already? You’re my wife and you’ll come with me.” He stands and shouts at me, as if to crush my resistance with sheer volume.

  “You can’t force me.”

  “Oh really? One thing, Izzy. That’s all I want. Then I will tell you whatever you want to know. I’m going to bed.”

  His temper has always been quick to break, and I’m certainly seeing more of it now. I feel grim at the prospect of standing up to him and holding my ground. Making him take me seriously will be a challenge. But I have to. I have to get through to him.

  The next few days are only bearable because of the texts and distractions of Seb. I should have told him what happened with Phil, but I don’t want him to think I still want to be in my marriage. The happy distractions of Seb’s lust-filled texts have brought the only ray of hope to me this week. Leaving him on Sunday night was hard. Something changed when we woke up together. We stopped playing at a fantasy and found our own sense of happiness together. Being in his presence and being consumed by him for two days straight made my body ache but my heart sing.

  Isabel, I’m the only one who gets to touch your body. Do you understand me? No touching yourself in the shower. S

  When can I see you? Izzy

  I’m afraid not until Saturday. I have a busy week. S

  Saturday then. Izzy

  I want you frustrated, Isabel. You will be desperate for my touch and I’m going to have your entire body to play with. S

  If Seb keeps the pressure up through text talk, by Saturday I’m going to come at his first touch.

  The constant worry about how to get Phil to listen has stifled my future hopes with Seb. After our weekend, I was optimistic and excited about our future. I love Seb and I hope he feels the same way about me. When I lie in bed, trying to sleep, I replay our weekend, all the things he said to me, how he acted with me, and I see it, feel it, there in his actions. He might not have told me he loves me, but I’m hopeful. He said he wanted to explore the possibility of an us. Is it too much to hope that Seb feels the same way for me as I do for him?

  First I need to get over the worry around Phil before I can consider the big ‘I love you’ with Seb.

  The week has flown by in a blur of work, frustration and arguments. Speaking to Phil has become like a broken record. We go over and over the same few words before he disappears on me. He hasn’t backed down about Friday. He offers it as his bargaining chip. If I go to his party, we’ll sort out the
end of our relationship. It’s stupid to think he will live up to his agreement, but I have to believe he’ll finally do this. Playing wife to Phil at this party is the last thing I want to be doing, but if it is what’s needed to end to our bickering and allows us to end things once and for all, then I’ll suffer through it.

  “Will you wear the red dress, Iz? It is Christmas and I love that dress,” I hear Phil shout up to me in the bedroom.

  “Really? You’re even going to tell me what to wear?” It’s not what I want to say, but if I’m going to get through this evening in one piece then perhaps conceding the dress will help.

  “Thanks and hurry up. The taxi will be here soon.” His voice is clipped and stern. I swallow down my frustrations and pull the red dress out of the wardrobe. It is a lovely dress, and I haven’t worn it for a long time. The dress is red lace, cut in a fitted, Japanese style with beautiful detailing. The shoes I have to match wrap my ankles in an extravagant red bow. I can even wear some of my new underwear with it, at least the more modest pieces I didn’t take to Seb’s.

  As I start to get ready, I can’t stop my mind wandering to Seb and what he would think of me dressed up, my hair and makeup done, sexy evening gown with even nicer underwear beneath. I feel a pang of disappointment in my chest that I won’t be able to do this with Seb. I would enjoy being out in public with him, accompanying him to his Christmas party. I would eagerly look forward to what he would do to me when we arrive home. I mentally picture accompanying Seb and all of the delicious things he would do with me. He would tease me all night, get me wet before even arriving home, and then strip me out of my dress and have me on the floor with my hands tied. My smile breaks across my face as I pull my thigh highs into place. I chose the thigh highs over tights because even though I won’t be seeing Seb tonight, I still want to please him.

  “Izzy. Come. On.”

  “Stop shouting, Phil. I’m ready. I’m only going with you to get my confession. After this we’re done.”

  “I don’t care if you want to or not. You’re coming. You’re my wife and I expect you to act like one.” Aggression surges through his voice and leaves me shrinking back. I fix my dress and tuck a loose lock of hair behind my ear in a nervous gesture.

  We don’t speak in the taxi, just sit and wait to arrive. I’m lost in thoughts of Seb.

  “You coming, Iz?”

  “Sorry, what?”

  “We’re here.”

  “Oh right, sorry.” I climb out of the taxi and walk next to Phil into the hotel. Come on, Izzy. A few hours of being pleasant, that’s all it is. Just concentrate and everything will be fine. I close my eyes for a second to focus on tonight and squeeze Seb from my mind. If I can get through this, then I can finally move on with Seb.

  We walk to check in our coats and read the huge table plan propped up outside the main room. There are about four or five different companies sharing the party, but at least we’re at the same table as Jackson and his wife. I know them. My moment of pleasure is instantly soured by Sophie’s name on our table’s seating chart. I’m a fool! Phil has manipulated me, again.

  I should be with Seb. I should never have let Phil coerce me into this pretence. He’ll never change and is unlikely to ever admit what I know is the truth.

  Ironically, the guilt I felt due to my adultery vanishes. My heart is completely Seb’s. I sigh as Phil walks me through the doorway and I’m surrounded by people milling around and gathering drinks at the bar. The band is already playing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’.

  A stiff drink will go a long way toward making this evening endurable. “I’m getting a drink from the bar, Phil. Do you want anything?” Phil doesn’t answer. As I turn around, I see why. He’s too busy staring across the room at Sophie draped over some other man. I wonder if after all Phil’s bluster I’m only here to make another woman jealous. My eyes burn with the threat of tears, but I hold them back, unwilling to waste them on Phil. I turn away in disgust at both Phil and myself. I snake my way through a few people but then stand frozen in place.

  “Seb?” I whisper to myself. I see him only a few feet away from me. He’s wearing a smart, dark suit with an immaculate white shirt and there is a stunning woman on his arm. My eyes start to blur in front of me as I see his sexy smile on his face, the one I thought was only for me, and as I do, his eyes fall on me. His expression changes, turns hard, and his eyes turn dark.

  I don’t… Why? Why is he here with another woman? After what we shared, after what he said to me? Was he lying? Was it about having some fun? Getting to fuck me? No. No, he didn’t have to do everything he did. The weekend… He loves me, too. My feet have taken on a mind of their own and walked me the few feet that were separating us. I stop in front of him and say nothing. He looks at me but doesn’t speak, although it’s clear that he wants to say something.

  “Izzy?” Phil’s voice follows me to where I stand. “Iz, where did you go? Come on. I want us over to meet Jackson and our boss.”

  I don’t answer him and stay motionless, focused on Seb, the man who holds my heart in his hands.

  “Excuse me, do you two know each other?” Phil says with a cocky grin.

  “Um, this is Seb. He was in one of my training classes a few months back. Nice to see you again.” I can’t say anything else without my voice cracking.

  “Yes, nice to see you again, Isabel.”

  Isabel? You call me Isabel now? With another woman on your arm?

  “Excuse me for a moment. I’m going to find the bathroom.” I nearly run out of the room. I turn down a corridor, but before I reach the ladies a hand grabs my wrist and pulls me farther down the hallway, around a corner into a dark and quiet room. Seb closes and locks the door. My hands are held tightly above my head and his lips are at my ear. I nearly relax into his hold.

  “What are you doing here, Isabel?” He growls out the question and it makes my nerves come alive.

  “It’s Phil’s Christmas party. Why are you here and why are you with another woman? Who is she?” I can’t hide the anger and hurt in my voice. Seeing Seb with another woman has brought out a reaction in me I didn’t think I was capable of. A surge of jealousy rushes through my body and tells me how bad this is. The feelings engulf me. Not for Phil, not seeing Sophie pawing all over him. Only for Seb.

  “She’s a friend. And it’s Natasha’s Christmas party also.”

  “A friend? I’m a friend. Do you tie Natasha up and fuck her, too? Do you do what you’ve done with me to others? Or do you just play with them?” The accusation sits between us, unanswered. His eyes turn sad, though. They darken and I know I should have never said that. “I didn’t think… I thought that after this past weekend…” My words stick in my throat and I have to lower my eyes, unable to be confronted with more pain from this man. “I thought I meant something to you?”

  “Isabel, you are here with your husband. I am here with a friend. And my feelings for you have not changed since the weekend.” His voice has softened.

  “I’m so—” But I don’t finish before Seb forces me back into the wall. His hands press my shoulders before he moves to capture my face, keeping it in place while he looks me straight in the eye.

  “You want to know if I’ve done this before? Shown an exquisitely beautiful woman more? Held her hand and taught her there is more to her than being used by her husband for a quick lay? Taught her to listen to her body, to respond?” He hoists my arms above my head before he slides my dress up my leg with the force of his one free hand. “To respond to my touch, my voice, my command?”

  I can hear his frustration, the restraint in him slipping. But the raw power in his voice has my muscles clenching, anticipating his next move. Need overtakes my thoughts as he pins me in place. His hand creeps closer to the top of my thigh highs and edges farther to my knickers.

  “Isabel, you’re wearing thigh-highs for another man, and you’re asking me why I’m here with another woman? What did the weekend mean to you?”

  The thought that he
would think this is for Phil spears my heart.

  “You’re angry at me? Well, I should be furious at you, Isabel.” With that, he drives two fingers into me, and I moan my response as my body bows to him. He’s hard and aggressive, but his actions are filled with a passion that speaks volumes. “You are wet for me, Isabel. You give yourself to me again and again, yet you are still here with him.” He shoves his fingers deeper, and with those words he finds that spot that makes my knees weak and my breath catch. “You’ve said time and time again that you can’t go back to how your life was before. I thought the weekend meant something as well, but you’re still here with him. You dressed like a temptress in red for him.” His thumb finds my clit and I fight for shallow pants of air.

  “Why are you with him, Isabel? Why do you still return to him? Answer me. Why are you here with him?” His educated hand works my clit. His fingers inside push my arousal higher.

  “Because…” I start, desperate to concentrate on the words and not the orgasm his busy fingers are about to rip from my body. “I’m scared. I don’t want to be a failure. I’m scared of the future and telling Phil I want a divorce. I didn’t think there was a way out. But with you, I feel there is. There’s a future… Please? I need to come.”

  “Come. For. Me. Isabel. For me.” His voice rings in my ear as his fingers thrust into me one last time. I clench around them as I come around his hand. My body shudders against him, but it’s not enough. I need to show him how he alone holds my heart and commands my body. My hands tangle in his hair and I pull him down to my lips.

  “Don’t stop, Seb. I need you inside me. I need you to hold me. I need to know I matter to you. Please…” I pant between kisses.

  “You can’t ask that of me. Especially now. Your husband is with you, and my friend is waiting for me.”