Lost

by Sarah Ann Walker

  “What happened?!” He yelled at me as he grabbed my arms.

  “What? I just knocked on the window,” I gasped as the coffee carton twisted out of my hand and crashed to the floor when he grabbed me.

  “Where the fuck were you?”

  “What?!” I yelled shocked as I tried to pick up the spilling cups of coffee from the floor. “What’s wrong?” I asked desperately when Peter pushed me to my ass grabbing for my arms again among the spilled coffee.

  “Where were you?” He growled shaking me.

  “I was getting coffee and breakfast for YOU!” I snapped when I found my spine again after my initial shock. “What the hell are you doing?” I screamed as I pulled away from Peter, picked myself off the floor and headed for my door.

  “Sophie! Sophie, wait! I'm sorry, baby,” he pleaded as he stood up behind me. “I was worried when you took so long, that's all,” he begged, but I way too pissed to listen.

  Walking to my kitchen I threw the bag of food on the kitchen counter, then stomped back to the table to put the bags of breakables down.

  “Sophie... I'm sorry,” Peter said trying to pull me into his arms again as I fought him. Actually turning my back on him, I was way too angry to even look at him at that moment, nevermind be touched.

  “You better go, Peter. I'm really pissed, and I'm going to say something I shouldn't, so please go home. I'll call you later when I've calmed down.”

  “I'm not leaving until you let me explain.”

  “You are leaving because I told you to. So get out Peter! You have ruined an otherwise perfect goddamn morning, and I'm so pissed and hurt right now, I don't want to talk to you,” I said with anger tears in my eyes.

  “Please, Sophie, just listen for a minute,” he said trying to remove my winter coat. “I was scared, that's all. You said you were getting coffee which takes like 10 minutes, but you were gone for over an hour,” he said calmly. “I was scared something happened to you so I acted like an asshole, but I'm sorry. I was scared, and I took it out on you. Please, Sophie. You were gone for so long, I thought you were hurt or something...” he said so sincerely, I thawed a little.

  Looking at the clock on my stove, I realized I had been gone for over an hour, but still... What the hell kind of reaction was that?

  “Peter, if you ever put your hands on me again, or shove me to the ground, or yell at me like that, I will leave so goddamn quickly you won't even see it happening. I swear to god, Peter. I'm gone. Got it?!”

  “I do... And I'm so sorry. I totally panicked at the thought of you being hurt. I will never put my hands on you again like that, I promise. Really, Sophie, I won't. I can't even explain why I felt so scared, other than I don't want anything bad to happen to you,” he breathed against my back as he kissed my head.

  “Peter, we're apart all the time, and I'm not going to allow you to act like a psycho every time I'm late coming home from work, or I stay out late with friends. So let me be really clear about this- if you ever act like that again I. Am. Gone.” And I was.

  I didn't care what I felt for this guy, I was not going to be pushed around or controlled by some fucking psycho with issues. Even if it was innocent concern for my wellbeing, the way he reacted was scary and he went way too far. I would leave him I decided in that moment if he ever acted like that again. Ever.

  “I understand completely, and I'm so sorry, Sophie. I promise you it will never happen again. No excuses, but we're so new, and I'm crazy about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but I completely overreacted, I know. Do you still want me to go?” He begged.

  “Yes. I wouldn't mind going Boxing Day shopping with my girlfriend Kim for the afternoon. She asked me on Wednesday but I kind of blew her off for you. Maybe come over later or something,” I said leaving the invite in the air between us unconfirmed.

  “What time do you want me to come back?”

  “I don't know. Later. I'll call you when I'm done shopping.”

  “Okay... I'm so sorry, Sophie,” Peter whispered leaving the kitchen, still really friggin' naked, which almost made me laugh. But thankfully the anger was still simmering enough to keep my laughter in check.

  5 minutes later, while I opened my new Bodum at the table Peter walked up to me. Kissing my head as I sat on a kitchen chair, he dropped to his knees beside me. Resting his head against my chest, and pulling me to him he again whispered he was sorry.

  Exhaling all my anger, and feeling him so sad against me made me forgive him that ONE time. When I kissed his head, he relaxed further into me and squeezed a little tighter.

  “I'll see you later, Sophie. Have fun shopping,” he spoke quietly as he stood and walked slowly to my front door without me following him.

  I didn't want to kiss him goodbye, or let him off the hook too easily. He needed to understand that I would never be tossed around like a goddamn doll again because he was scared. It wasn't going to happen, so I wanted him to really think about that once we were away from each other for the afternoon.

  After he left and I stood to lock the door I called Kim's cell. Luckily, she still wanted me to shop with her, so we picked a place to meet for lunch before she started her second round of shopping, and I began my first.

  Happily, I went out with my friend and I ended up having a fun day away from the intensity and confusion of Peter.

  CHAPTER 14

  When Kim and I returned to my place we were loaded down with bags of stuff. Laughing at all the fabulous buys, Kim even did a verbal tally of money spent versus actual costs and the savings we had made, which to her meant a free night out to dinner and drinks, which I agreed to, even as I laughed at her tragic attempt at math.

  I was home, and my apartment felt like Peter as soon as I entered it. Whether Kim felt his presence I wasn't sure, but I did. Peter was all over every room, and he seemed to speak to me loudest from my bedroom when I entered to drop the bags of new clothes on my bed.

  Once I was home I missed Peter horribly. I only spoke about him a little over lunch, but I gave Kim a kind of semi-description of our new relationship. I admitted the sex was hot, the intensity was new for me, and I was very happy... overall.

  With the strictest of confidence I explained the earlier incident and asked her opinion of it, to which she shocked me. Kim actually swooned when I told her. To my horror, she thought Peter's overreaction was ‘sweet’. Kim didn’t necessarily approve of his behavior, and she didn’t like him tossing me around, but she thought he sounded ‘like a man in love navigating his way through the new relationship battlefield’- her words not mine.

  Even after I told her she was mental, she just laughed and said she'd love a man who was so into her that he panicked if he thought she was hurt, which again I found insane.

  After speaking with Kim I understood one absolute though, I had not changed so totally with Peter as to let that kind of behavior slide. I was stronger and smarter than that. I was still Sophie, just a slightly sappier Sophie, so I was going to watch for any more freak outs from Peter, and I would end things with him if they came.

  I knew after talking to Kim who had had endless relationships and bed-buddies that I would never allow myself to be scared or hurt by Peter, no matter how much I cared for him. I knew I could be alone, and I would be. I had no problem being single and mentally well. I had been single and mentally well before him, and I would go right back there if he ever treated me like that again.

  But I did miss him.

  Throughout the day I found myself looking for him in stores, and I even wanted his opinion on certain buys. I thought of him non-stop, and I almost ached for him all day. I had lots of fun with Kim all afternoon, but I wanted Peter.

  So after Kim and I had settled in and I poured us each a drink, we decided to have dinner down the street followed by drinks somewhere later. I wanted a girl’s night of fun to remind myself that I was still fun without Peter.

  I didn't want Peter to think I was still punishing him though, so I grabbed my
cordless and told Kim to help herself to anything as I left for the privacy of my bedroom.

  Dialing and preparing for Peter, I straightened my spine as I called.

  “Hi, Sophie... Please let me say it again. I'm very, very sorry about earlier. I'd love to have some perfect excuse for my behavior, but I don't. I was an idiot and I will never be like that again with you, I promise.”

  “I hope not,” I exhaled some tension.

  “I won't. I've had a long day without you thinking and analyzing my behavior, and I realized not only what an asshole I was, but how very unlike myself that behavior was. I've never touched a woman before, ever, so I scared myself a little as well by the intensity of my reaction. I'm crazy about you Sophie, and the thought of you hurt made me feel crazy. But even still, I overreacted and it won't happen again,” he spoke sincerely.

  “Okay. I'll let it go this time, but I promise you Peter if it ever happens again-”

  “It won't ever happen again,” he insisted.

  “Okay,” I relented, because I really didn't want to talk about it anymore. Peter said it wouldn't happen again and I would just have to wait and see. There was nothing else I could say or do, so I gave up.

  “Can I come over to see you?”

  “I'm still with Kim and she and I are going out for dinner soon, then maybe a drink or two afterward. I'll call you later if you want?”

  “I want,” he whispered. “Have fun Sophie, but be safe for me, okay?”

  “I'm always safe, Peter. Have a good night, and I'll talk to you later,” I said but couldn't hang up.

  “Okay...” But he didn't hang up either. Suddenly we were playing the you-hang-up-first game.

  “On the count of three?” I giggled as he laughed.

  “Okay. One, two, three...” I hung up.

  I didn't know if he stayed on the line, but I kind of felt like maybe he did. Whatever, I wasn't twelve, so I didn't feel too badly hanging up first. I did smile though at what total losers we were becoming.

  After dinner at my new favorite dive Murphy's, Kim and I walked a few bars down the street to Drinks, which was surprisingly busy for a Sunday night. With the holidays it seemed like Drinks was the place to go in the village for most people who didn’t have to work the following morning.

  Drinks was packed and loud, and filled with every variety of person you could imagine. Kim became Party Kim the second we entered, and though there was no place for us to sit, she ended up perched on a bar stool against some total stranger within seconds.

  After a quick round of drinks, and a shot of tequila later, I felt a man lean his arm across my back as he pushed me slightly into the bar.

  Looking behind me, he was without a doubt hot. He oozed sex appeal and charm, and when he whispered in my ear, ‘what can I get you?’ with a nod at the bar, I knew he was the kind of man most woman went home with. He was not a forever man, nor even a weekend man, but he was absolutely gorgeous, so definitely a just tonight man.

  But instead of telling him my drink choice, I mouthed 'no thanks', and pulled out my phone.

  Calling Peter, he answered on the second ring.

  “Sophie?” I think he asked, but the music was too loud, and the atmosphere was too crazy to really hear or understand anything, so I just spoke into my phone and hoped he could understand me.

  “I'm not drunk, just a little tipsy, and I miss you very much. Some gorgeous guy just offered to buy me a drink, but I turned him down immediately. Even looking at how hot he was, I could think of no one but you. I can't hear you at all, but I hope you can hear me. I'm at Drinks, and I'd like to go home with you in 30 minutes. I'm going to make sure Kim's okay, and then I'm going to stand out front and hope I see you. I miss you, Peter, even though you were a total asshole earlier. So that's it. I hope I see you in 30 minutes.”

  There was no point trying to hear his reply, but I hoped he had agreed. Otherwise, in 31 minutes I was getting totally shitfaced with Kim.

  After yelling in Kim's ear my plans, she pouted for a second, then got over it as the original shared barstool guy kissed her heavily between shots. I had one more shot of tequila, and nursed my tequila sunrise, but basically stood quietly, swaying to the music, trying not to get jostled by all the people in Drinks.

  Finally, 25 minutes later, I couldn't take the wait anymore, so I kissed and hugged Kim goodbye to a round of catcalls at the bar. I made sure she was safe with cab money to get home, asked her new guy to watch out for her, which he said he would as he threw his arm around her shoulder, then I left the club for Peter, I hoped.

  Fighting my way through way too many people, I opened the side patio doors where everyone smoked, and I saw Peter waiting against the patio fence for me with a smile.

  Looking at him for a second, my pace sped up as I walked through more people to get to the front street exit and Peter.

  “Hi!” I yelled accidentally from the residual hearing damage from the loud club as Peter laughed at me.

  “Hi, back... Have fun?”

  “Yup. Kim's hilarious, but the club is just too packed to even talk, so I needed to get out of there.”

  Taking me into his arms, Peter suddenly wrapped me up very tightly in the cold night. Feeling his warmth almost immediately, I couldn't even stop the sigh I released in his warmth.

  “I missed you...”

  “I missed you, too, Sophie,” he said while squeezing me tighter to his side.

  “Is your friend okay alone in there?”

  “Yes. She's one of those women who can go out by herself, have a good time, maybe pick up a guy and do whatever, but she always makes it home safely. She's pretty ballsy, but not a total idiot.”

  “Are you sure she's okay in there alone?”

  “Yeah. She's already picked up her man for the night, and he seems like he'll protect her from anyone else, so it's all good,” I said starting to walk towards my home.

  We had only 2 and a half blocks to walk, but it was absolutely freezing outside. It had also started to snow slightly when we were in Drinks, so my new shoes were slipping and sliding all over the sidewalk making me look way more drunk than the slightly tipsy I was in reality.

  “Do you like my new not made for snow heels?” I laughed.

  “Very much. Did you buy them today?”

  “Yes, but with all the sale shopping I did, Kim convinced me they were pretty much free, so I have no guilt.” I laughed. “I can't wait to show you the clothes I bought. Oh, and the set of candle holders...” I grinned.

  “Of course. Because everyone needs a candle holder on every flat surface in their home,” he replied with humor.

  “Yup. In case of an emergency,” I teased.

  When Peter opened up his coat, he pulled me inside and held me tighter against the cold. It was such a simple gesture but it allowed me to rest my head on his chest as we walked home together. Feeling totally relaxed, I breathed him in and asked what he did all day.

  “I worked in my greenhouse, had a thorough introspection, drank some herbal tea, and waited for you to call. I missed you very much today, and I find it a little overwhelming how strongly I feel about you.”

  “I know,” I confessed. “We’ve only known each other really for 3 weeks today, but I feel it too. When that guy offered to buy me a drink, I didn't even think, I just turned him down. He wasn't you, and I only think of you now,” I admitted a little sappy again.

  “I'm glad...” Peter whispered as he held me tighter when we walked through my extra slippery courtyard for the main doors.

  Once inside, I kicked off my new shoes, and leaned against the door staring at Peter. Breathing him in and inhaling his scent, I eventually moved to pull him down to my mouth to devour him with my kiss. I wanted to pull him into my body to make sure he never forgot me. I wanted to cement myself into his heart so he couldn't live without me. I wanted to be his entire world in that moment.

  “Thank you for meeting me,” I whispered across his lips. “I really wanted to be with you t
onight.”

  “How much did you drink tonight?”

  “2 shots, and one drink. I'm completely sober, Peter.”

  “Good, because I don't want to take advantage of you when-”

  “You can take advantage of me anyway you want...” I moaned as I ground my body against his.

  “Will you try something with me?”

  “Yes...”

  “Go change into comfortable clothes and settle in bed. I'll meet you there, okay?”

  “Okay,” I grinned, excited to meet him in my bed.

  After using the washroom and cleaning myself thoroughly with a washcloth, I brushed my teeth and changed in my bedroom.

  Sitting on my bed, I wore a little black nightie with spaghetti straps and a low bodice with matching panties. I felt sexy but almost shy as I waited for him to come to me.

  A few minutes later, Peter entered my room carrying a tray with 2 mugs of something, candles, and massage oils.

  “I don't need coffee, Peter. I swear I'm sober,” I whined.

  “It's not coffee. It's actually a uniquely blended herbal tea that heightens the senses and provokes a kind of mental clarity and physical arousal. It's powerful and almost drug-like, but with the right person it can be amazing. I wanted to drink it with you and experience it together,” he said almost as a question.

  “Okay... Do I get a massage too?” I begged.

  “Definitely,” he smiled placing the tray on my bedside table.

  I was never a big herbal tea drinker, but this sounded so cool I wanted to try it with Peter. He seemed really excited and so sexy to me in that moment with his sweater removed, sitting on my bed in just his jeans, I would have tried anything with him. He was sexy, so I couldn't help but lean forward and kiss him again deeply.