Toppleton's Client; Or, A Spirit in Exile

by John Kendrick Bangs

  CHAPTER VIII.

  FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS IN THE MAKING OF A NAME.

  "YOU must have felt like a vest-pocket Byron, to wake up and findyourself famous that way," said Toppleton; "or, perhaps you foundyourself _in_famous, eh? I don't know how it is here in England, but inAmerica a lawyer who'd browbeat a poor innocent litigant into a statebordering upon lunacy, would be requested to move out of town."

  "It all depends," returned the spirit. "If my substituted self hadlimited his brow-beating to the plaintiff, it might have made thereputation which I found awaiting me upon my return to my remains, oneof infamy, but that was by no means the case. The judge himselfsuccumbed to nervous prostration a week later, the jurors vanished likea pack of frightened hares immediately they were discharged, and even myclient shook like a leaf when he felt my eyes resting upon him. As formy own proper self, I was the worst scared man of the lot; so, you see,it was a sort of universal awe that was inspired by the demeanour of mybody that day, and one which commanded rather than invited respect."

  "Did you find your head a little stretched when you got back intoyourself again, or did he break his word and refuse to let you back?"queried Toppleton.

  "Oh, he kept his word that time," replied the spirit. "After the trialwas over he took a cab and drove rapidly out to Regent's Park and back,returning to my chambers about six o'clock. I was there waiting for him,ready to enter upon my usual anatomical ways once more. My client wasalso there, though, of course, unaware that I was present in spirit. Iwas very much amused to see how utterly unnerved poor Baskins was by thestrange events of the day. Several times he muttered to himself remarkslike, '_I didn't know he had it in him_,' and '_If I'd thought he wasthat kind of a man I'd have kept blessed clear of him. I wonder whathe'll charge._' And then every time there was a step or noise of anykind out in the corridor, he would straighten up nervously and stare atthe door in a tense sort of fashion which showed that he dreaded meetingme. Once he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a big duellingpistol which I was alarmed to note was loaded to the muzzle. It wasevident that the awe which my new self had inspired in him amounted topositive fear.

  "That duelling pistol put an end to my enjoyment of the situation,"continued the spirit. "I was afraid he might be goaded into discharginga load of cold lead into my body. Of course, I didn't care to have thathappen, and under the agitation of the moment I uttered an ejaculationof consternation. I never saw in all my experience a man so thoroughlyfrightened as Baskins was when the sound for which he could not accountgreeted his ear. He went on his knees and shook like a leaf, claspinghis hands, as if in prayer, before his face, which turned a blue white.The pistol fell from his hands to the floor, and, as it did so, the dooropened, and I saw myself standing on the sill, haggard of face, but notworn of spirit, for the supernatural brilliance of my eye as it caughtsight of the pistol and realized at a flash just what the situation was,showed that the soul within was still unwearied by its effort.

  "Then," added the spirit, his voice husky with the remembrance of hisdishonour, "came an interview that makes me blush, even though I have nocheek on which to display that manifestation of shame. My body sprangforward as the pistol met my eye, and, snatching the weapon from thefloor, flung it out through the window into the court, where itexploded, the jar of contact with the stone walk being sufficient todischarge it. As the sharp report of the pistol echoed through the courtmy client threw himself flat on his face, and prostrate there at my feetbegan to utter a string of incoherent lamentations and despairingrequests for mercy at my hands which were painful to hear, and I judgedfrom what meaning I could patch together from his jumble of words, thathe deemed me an emissary of Satan,--and I think he was right.

  "'What does this mean?' queried the fiend within me. 'Murder or suicide?If you contemplated suicide, I forgive you; if murder--'

  "'I was afraid,' gasped my unhappy client. 'Your power was so terrible;the effect of your words so awful, that I--'

  "'Ah!' interrupted the fiend. 'I see. It was murder you were prepared todo in case we should not agree, and the power of my eye should chance tobe exerted to win you from your determination whatever it may havebeen.'

  "'No--not that--not that!' shrieked my client. 'It was but the naturalinstinct of self-preservation that led me to--'

  "'You weaken your cause by your loquacity, my friend,' said the fiend.'You suspected me of contemplating some dishonourable or cowardly act,and for that reason you entered the office of him who has saved yourgood name and your purse alike from them who would have robbed you ofboth, having so little sense of gratitude that you bring with you aninstrument of death. Very well, let it be so. I am satisfied if you are.I might do that to you now which would place you in far worse estatethan your poor brother is in. If you had your pistol in your hand, aimedat my heart, you would still be powerless to do me an injury, for withone glance of my eye I could force you to turn the muzzle to your ownhead, and with another compel you to empty its leaden load into your ownbrains. Your suspicions are insulting, but an insult from one of yourcalibre to one of mine is as the sting of a fly to the elephant; I passit over and charge it on the bill. Ten thousand pounds for trying thecase, two thousand five hundred for accepting your insult, two thousandfive hundred for condoning it, and in one hour must this money be in myhands with a letter--a letter written and signed by you, expressing yoursatisfaction with the manner of my conducting the case, and concludingwith an allusion to your surprise that my charge is so moderate."

  "'And if I refuse to submit to this outrage?' queried my client, lashedinto a show of courage which he really did not feel.

  "'You leave this room a raving maniac, for I have the power to make youso,' I was appalled to hear myself reply."

  "And do you mean to tell me," said Hopkins, his bosom heaving withindignation, "that you sat there like a zero on a pedestal, and keptsilent with this blackmailing infamy going on under your very eyes?"

  "I was speechless with rage," returned the spirit, "or I should haveinterfered. Before I could recover my composure the letter had beenwritten and the money paid, for my client still had the sixty thousandpounds in their original form, in the one thousand pound banknotes. Thestruggle he went through was terrible to witness, and as the notespassed from his hands into mine he sighed like one who was heart-broken.The fiend dictated the letter commending my efforts, and expressingsurprise that the amount asked for my services was so moderate, and thenhe opened the door and ushered the unfortunate victim out. As the latterleft the room the fiend whispered to him in withering tones to bewareof his vengeance if he ever attempted to reveal what had passed since heentered the room.

  "'For,' said he, 'if you are not careful, it matters not in what part ofthis or any other world you may be, you must forever be within my reach,and forever subject to the consequences of my resentment.'

  "Then," said the spirit, "he slammed the door violently and turned andfixed my eyes upon the corner wherein I sat aghast with themortification of having my name identified in any man's mind with such adiabolical act as that I had just witnessed.

  "'Now,' he said, 'you may have this carcass of yours back and welcome.It's lucky for you I have the power I have. If I hadn't, your body wouldbe riddled with bullets within twenty-four hours.'

  "'Bah!' I replied. 'That man had no more intention of using that pistolwithout provocation than I have, and considering the terror with whichyou have managed to inspire everyone with whom you have come in contactto-day, I don't wonder he came armed.'

  "'I never thought of that,' said my substitute, 'though what you sayabout everybody's terror is true; you might apply it even more broadlythan you do, because as I drove down the Strand just now even theomnibus horses shied, and the driver of my cab had all he could do tokeep his ramshackle steed from running away. But hurry up and get readyto relieve me of this mortal incubus of yours, and take your money--it'sa nice little sum, eh?'

  "'Magnificent,' I returned. 'And when you and I have changed places I
amgoing to return all but five hundred pounds to that poor fellow you havejust robbed in such a conscienceless fashion.'

  "The moment I said this," said the spirit, "I regretted it, for hegrasped the money with my right hand, and holding it over the fire,which was blazing merrily in the grate, he said. 'My friend, I exactfrom you an oath that you will not return one penny of this sum to Mr.Baskins. If you refuse, I shall cast every one of these bank notes intothat fire, nor shall I admit you once more to your form until the veryashes of those notes have disappeared into the air.'

  "Now what could I do under the circumstances, Toppleton?" asked thespirit earnestly. "Could I do anything but swear to what he asked?"

  "Yes," returned Hopkins, "you could. I don't believe so vile a creatureas he could have distinguished between a bible and a city directory. I'dhave taken the oath on the city directory."

  "Alas!" said the spirit sadly, and with such evident sincerity that itjostled the Aunt Sallie from the chair to the floor. "As I said to youbefore, I am only an enduring Briton where you have the inventive geniusof the Yankee. I never thought of the substitution of the directory forthe bible, and the consequent elimination of moral responsibility fromthe oath. I simply swore as he desired me to, and in an hour I was alonein my office, the occupant of a frame so exhausted that I could scarcelylift my head, and in my pockets were those miserable bank notes, moreburning to my conscience than had they been sovereign for sovereign ingold coin hot from the mint."

  "Of course," suggested Hopkins, "you devoted them to the cause ofcharity; subscribed all but your just due to the House for Imbeciles, inwhich that wronged unfortunate the plaintiff was incarcerated?"

  "I intended something of the sort," returned the spirit, extricatinghimself from the head of Aunt Sallie, and ensconcing himself on thepaper-weight on Hopkins' desk. "But I didn't have time. You see,immediately after the trial a perfect avalanche of litigants from otheroffices slid into mine, and within a week I was so overwhelmed withbusiness that I had to hire the rest of this floor here to find room formy papers. It was painful to me, too, to observe that those who hadheard of my fame, but who had never seen me, were manifestlydisappointed, when taking their departure at the close of a firstinterview, at having found me so much less great than they had been ledto believe by the public estimate of my abilities. Nevertheless, casesof the most intricate sort were fairly dumped into my hands by thecart-load, and, worst of all, I found that eminence brought with itother responsibilities which I was ill-prepared to meet. I wasconstantly in receipt of requests to lecture on subjects of a varietythat would have appalled the fiend himself, and worse than all I wascalled into consultation by the Crown in certain litigation ofinternational importance. For a time I tried to go it alone, and byassiduous devotion to study to fit myself for the responsibilities whichmy fame had brought me, but it was impossible. I broke down in less thana month; but having tasted the joys of prominence I was not strongenough to resist the temptation to prolong it indefinitely, and, withoutthinking of the means, I committed myself to certain undertakings whichwere utterly beyond my intellectual strength to accomplish, and then,when brought face to face with failure and disgrace, there was but onething left for me to do, and that I did.

  "I summoned the fiend. The mere expression of a desire to see him wassufficient to bring him into my presence, and time and time again did Isubject my poor body for ambition's sake to the dreadful interchange ofspirits.

  "From without I watched my development from mediocrity to fame with ajoyous interest, not unmixed, however, with regret, for, at such momentsas were permitted me to enjoy the undivided possession of myself, Icould not but feel conscious of a diminution of physical strength whichdetracted materially from my happiness; and yet when day after day I sawmy name in print, and noted that I was regarded as one of the mostmarvellous intellectual products of the day, I could not bring myself tothe point where I could renounce everything I had gained, and withdrawto the contented life of the recluse. Let a man once taste a livingimmortality, Hopkins, and I care not how strong his character may be, hewould part with all that he holds most dear sooner than he wouldrenounce that.

  "And so it went on for a full year. I became the leading light of theEnglish bar; I astonished the world as a public orator; so potent weremy arguments that in court or on the hustings none were able to resistme. At public dinners I was the speaker who alone could hold thefeasters when the seductions of the wine cup awaited the cessation of myeloquence. Had I been able to extend the hours of my days fromtwenty-four to ten times twenty-four, I could not have responded to allthe calls that were made upon my time. Then as if to show the world thatone profession was too small to hold the boundless qualities of mygenius, I startled the English reading public with a novel, the depthand power of which stirred the soul of the most _blase_ ofnovel-readers, and the presses of my publisher were taxed to the utmostto supply the demand for my work; then came a volume of poems whichcaused my name to be mentioned as a possible successor to thelaureateship; then a series of essays on scientific and philosophicalsubjects which were nearly my undoing, since my omniscient self, as Icame to call the fiend who was responsible for my greatness, was absentupon one occasion when I was called upon unexpectedly to receive adelegation of Scottish scientists, who had travelled from Edinburgh toLondon to consult with me in regard to certain propositions advanced inmy book. What they thought of me Heaven only knows. You see, Hopkins, asfar as my original self was concerned there wasn't an atom of scientificknowledge in my body, and to tell you the truth I hadn't even read mybook, concerning which these unwelcome grey beards had come fromEdinburgh to speak."

  "I should like to have been on hand to hear you," said Hopkins with alaugh. "You must have felt like Damocles!"

  "I was worse off than Damocles. He was face to face with nothing butdeath. I was having a _tete-a-tete_ with dishonour. Damocles had a swordsuspended over his head, held in place by a hair, I had a Krupp cannonover mine, held in place by Heaven knows what."

  "How did you get out of it?" queried Hopkins. "Summon the fiend?"

  "What, summon that deadly green thing before those men, and changeplaces with him in the presence of witnesses? I fancy not. I have been acomplete hall-marked fool in many respects, Hopkins, but my idiocy neverwent as far as that. The only thing left for me to do was to acquiescein nine things that those fellows said, and look doubtful at the tenthand say I didn't know about that; my inherent love of compromise and myingenuity in that direction stood me in good stead upon that occasion.It was a narrow squeak, but I got through all right. The _savants_ wentback to Edinburgh somewhat disappointed, I presume, with the new sun onthe scientific horizon. And you ought to have seen how the fiendlaughed when I told him about it the next time I saw him! He fixed itall right, however, by sitting down and writing a letter to my latevisitors and answering every one of their questions, and asking them afew additional ones, to answer which I fancy put them to their trumps.

  "After making me famous as scientist, novelist and lawyer, the fiendinduced a political bee to enter my cap, and one day after an absence ofa week from my body, during which period of time I was utterly in thedark as to its whereabouts, I was appalled to see it reel in at the doorin a maudlin state that revolted me.

  "'Well,' I said as soon as I was able to speak,' what new disgrace isthis you have put upon me? Am I to make my mark now as an inebriate, oris this simply a little practical joke you are putting upon mysensibilities? If it is the latter, it is a mighty poor joke.'

  "'No,' returned the fiend, who I am pleased to say showed some sense ofshame at the plight he had got me into this time. 'No, this is not apractical joke, nor do I wish to ruin your reputation for sobriety. Iregret this apparent liquidation of your system quite as much as you do,not because I care what others say, though. It is because I find itmuch harder to manage your body under these present circumstances. Whenone leg wants to go dancing down Pall Mall, and the other evinces astrange desire to walk gravely off in the direction of
Scotland Yard, itis a most difficult thing for a mind not thoroughly in sympathy witheither of them to drive them down the Strand in that modest, unassumingfashion which alone enables one to avoid police supervision. I've hadthe devil's own time with this weak corse of yours, and if I had knownhow abominably light-headed and airy-legged a little strong drink madeyou, I never should have had you stand for Parliament--'

  "'Stand for Parliament?' I cried, aghast at the new honour which wasbeing thrust upon me. 'Have I been standing for Parliament?'

  "'Well, not exactly' laughed the fiend. 'You've been sort of held up forParliament; you haven't been able to stand up without wobbling for fivedays; in fact, not since you tried to do your duty by your constituency,and take a little something at your own expense with a few rounds ofdoubtful voters. You were nearly defeated, my boy, because of yourdisgusting inability to cope with the flowing bowl, but I managed topull you through. The temperance people voted to a man against you, butthe other interests stood by you pretty well, and you now represent yourold neighbours in--'

  "'My old neighbours,' I moaned. 'Have I been made to appear to my oldneighbours in the light of a dissipated politician when all my life longI had been known to them as a sober--'

  "'Don't dwell on that point, my good fellow,' interrupted the fiend.'Forget it. In forgetfulness of what you have been, and in considerationof what you have become, lies happiness. By the way--have you a motherliving?'

  "'Yes,' I answered, numb with anxiety for fear of what was coming. 'Youhaven't disgraced me in her eyes, have you?'

  "'Oh, no,' returned the fiend. 'But a lady claiming to be your mothervisited me during the campaign, and was very indignant because I failedto recognize her--that cost you some votes, but not enough to change theresult. She didn't look a bit like you, and I was afraid the oppositionwas putting up some game on us, so I just laughed her off.'

  "'You--you laughed her off--you mean to tell me,' I stammered, 'thatwhen my mother came to my political headquarters to see her son, herefused to recognize her, and laughed her off?'

  "'Oh, come,' said the fiend indignantly, 'don't get angry. Remember onething, please. You are now a member of Parliament, a great Lawyer, afamous Scientist, a Novelist and an Orator. It is I who have made youso. If you don't like what I've done, we'll call the arrangement off,and you can make a spectacle of yourself in the eyes of the world. Ihate an ingrate. You couldn't expect me to know a lady whom I never evensaw before, and when I have a big scheme on foot I do not intend to haveit spoiled for want of caution. If I made you seem an undutiful son, Iam sorry for it, and will strive to make amends next time I meet yourmother. I'll write a formal apology if you desire, but I don't wish tohear any more of your sentimental nonsense. Much has to be sacrificed inachieving greatness, and you have got therewith just about as littlepersonal inconvenience as any man in history. Stop your snivelling, orI'll desert your cause, and what that means even you can grasp.'

  "With these words," concluded the spirit, "he departed, and left me tosleep off the effects of a seven days' campaign in which my moralwelfare had been sacrificed to the thirst of at least four hundreddoubtful voters. Credited with a seat in Parliament, I found my namedebited with the crime of intemperance, lack of self-respect, and agross affront to my own mother; a fine record for one week in which inmy own consciousness I was unable to recollect doing anything that couldnot have been done with propriety by a candidate for canonization."

  "Humph!" ejaculated Toppleton, deeply moved by the horror of the wearyspirit's story. "It strikes me that canonization in the form in which itwas used on the Sepoys in '57 would be mild punishment for thatNile-green brute that got you into this. To tell you the truth, Sallie,the fearful justice of your cause is almost enough to make me withdrawentirely. I should hate to be called upon to prosecute a defendant ofthe nature of your verdant visitor."