Looking for Love

by Kathy Bosman

  Chapter Thirteen

  “What?”

  Her four friends looked at her in the Greek restaurant where they sat around a basket of freshly baked buns and blocks of gorgeous butter. She gave each of them a firm glance, trying to hide the turmoil in her soul. This meant moving away from them, too. But what else could she do? She’d thrashed it out for days, losing much sleep and peace, and had finally come to a decision.

  “I’m relocating. My boss has found a job for me in Umhlanga with one of her colleagues.”

  None of them said anything for a few painful seconds. She must admit, she’d nearly dropped the whole thing, knowing she’d be away from them without their girly dates and times to chat. But there was no other way to get away from Ross without ripping his heart out.

  “It’s a promotion. I’ll earn a much higher salary and be given perks. Plus I’ll get to help out with the frames—they have a small frame manufacturing plant right next to the optometrist and I’ll have a say in some of the designs.” She knew they’d be all for her moving up in the world.

  “That’s wonderful,” Carol said with a shaky smile. “You’ve been looking for an opportunity for so long.”

  She didn’t want to tell them she’d been aware of the position for months but hadn’t wanted to move out of town. They would be hurt at her dishonesty on so many levels, but she just couldn’t let them know the real reason for her impulsiveness.

  Pauline busied herself with buttering a bun, struggling to get the hard block of butter to spread on the spongy-soft roll. The knife shook and Ella blinked back tears at her covert display of emotion.

  “I’m going to miss you so much. It’s just a temporary thing for a couple of years. I mean, you’ve all been on your stints around the world, except maybe Pauline. Yet, Pauline, you stayed in Jo’burg for six months. I’ve lived in this dump for my whole life.”

  Really, she wouldn’t mind staying here. She despised change. But Ross was forcing her out of the nest.

  Pauline didn’t look up from her roll mess. “Disaster, that.”

  Disaster, that? Oh, right. Jo’burg.

  “What about The Album?” Andrea didn’t waste time in getting right to the crunch. She gunned Ella with a firm and penetrating gaze.

  “I wanted to ask you guys what to do. I’m keen on ending it. Andrea, you read that article in the Credence magazine. I’m just scared journalists will start asking probing questions. I won’t know how to handle it. It’s another reason for leaving. Of course, I’d pay you back all your investments in the company and your portion of the profits.”

  “You can’t do that,” Carol said. “The Album is our baby. It was going to change the world.”

  “Yes.” Andrea downed some soda. “You had so many dreams for it. Why are you letting it fall away? If you’re patient, you’ll earn enough money from The Album to quit work.”

  She’d also hoped to do that one day. Helping people instead of making appointments and answering phones. Sure, her job did help people at the optometrist, but she liked to see the direct results of changed lives.

  “I’m only like a two-hour drive away. We can visit often—you can stay with me any time you want to visit Gateway Shopping Centre. And the business work—you ladies can still help me with it. We don’t have to live in the same place to work together. That’s if I keep The Album running. I was thinking of using it more to help people than as a business. I don’t know.”

  She caught Andrea’s eye. Fire spewed out her gaze, her fists clenched onto the edge of the table, and she sighed.

  “It’s all about self-sabotage,” her friend said.

  “What are you talking about?” Once again, she had to defend herself in front of Andrea. Could she ever make her happy? Even when she took up a promotion as Andrea had specifically been nagging her to go for, it wasn’t good enough. Self-sabotage? She sort of knew what that meant. But in her case?

  “Don’t you see?” Andrea continued. “Any time something comes up for you that you really want, you don’t think you’re good enough to take it. The Album was your dream come true but it’s too nice, it satisfies you too much, so you’d better not set yourself up for disappointment.” Her tone was harsh and she didn’t back down from laying it out crudely in front of everyone.

  “I most certainly don’t.” Tears welled up in her eyes.

  Carol took her hand and squeezed. “Andrea’s just upset because we’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you too, but I wasn’t like this when you went away for a while.”

  “It’s more than that.” Pauline eventually looked up and spoke. “You’re running away from something.”

  “What?” She blinked furiously to hide the tears which came unbidden. “I’m running to something. I’m looking for a better life.”

  How could she keep on lying to them? They were her friends, the ones who understood her better than anyone else. Yet, how could she tell them about Ross without their judgement? What if they advised her something she couldn’t follow through with?

  “You have to tell us what’s happened, Ella.” Pauline wouldn’t let go. “What’s spooked you so badly? Is it your gran? That magazine article? I mean, I read it and Jennifer only spoke your highest praise. Paul was the perfect man for her. We saw what The Album showed us for her.”

  Ella had been trying to remember how Jennifer and Paul’s lives had turned out but couldn’t recall a thing. Had she worked with so many clients that she’d forgotten their stories?

  “I don’t remember their pictures,” Carol said. “All I remember is that their relationship would be successful.”

  “That’s all you need to remember.” Andrea shook the ice around at the bottom of her glass. “They’d better delay our food orders because I’m concerned about you, Ella. What’s getting to you?”

  Her voice had softened somewhat. When would Ella learn that Andrea only got intimidating because she cared? She’d just always found it hard to deal with.

  “You can tell us.” Carol hadn’t let go her hand and gave it another squeeze. Her blonde bob looked so perfectly tailored today and curved inward toward her chin, giving her that soft yet mature look that was all Carol. “We never hold back from one another. Why hide it when we only want to hear you out?”

  Pauline lifted up her hand in a halt signal. “Hold on.” She gazed at Andrea. “If we’re going to get all bossy and intimidating with her when she tells us, obviously she won’t want to open up.”

  “She is right here listening to your conversation about her.” Ella laughed through her tears. “She has decided… Okay, I’m going to tell you but you’d better keep your strong opinions to yourself. I see no other way out of this situation.”

  They turned to her with their full attention. She closed her eyes to cut off their gazes for a moment and to work out how to say it. She had to get them on her side.

  What exactly was her side?

  “I can’t stay in the same city as Ross anymore.” She glanced at Pauline. “He loves me and I’m not ready to give him everything, yet I can’t break his heart and tell him goodbye forever. So the only way I can see to get him out my life is to go away.”

  “You can’t just be friends?” Carol asked. “Have you asked him to back off romantically?”

  She covered her face to hide the rush of emotion crumpling up her face. “I can’t.”

  Andrea stroked her back while Carol kept her hand in a tight squeeze, allowing the sobs to finish their course. At that moment, the waiter brought their food through. She dried her wet face and tried to eat. Then she noticed everyone looked at her; none of them had picked up their knives and forks.

  “It’s all or nothing. I can’t find another man until I let go of Ross. I can’t exactly get married while I have a tight friendship with another man. So, it’s either let him go totally or jump right in.”

  “Jump right in?” Andrea asked.

  “Make him mine. Give him my all.”

  “Sounds like a lovely idea,
” Pauline said.

  She narrowed her eyes at her.

  Pauline laughed. “For you, not me. I’ve given up my stupid crush on him long time ago. I never loved him as much as you do.”

  Everyone turned to Pauline like she hadn’t just said that with the most casual tone, as if it were a well-known fact. Ella couldn’t answer that one. Did she love him? Could the sexual feelings be classified as love?

  “So, you’re too scared to break his heart and tell him it’s all over, so you’d rather go away from him?” Carol now tucked in to her batter-fried hake and chips.

  “I want to do it in a way that doesn’t make him think I’m deliberately pushing him away. I know it seems dishonest but I can’t see any way out of the confusion.”

  “Confusion?” Andrea’s eyes were soft, but she always cut to the chase with her words.

  “Well, he kind of makes me want him. I can’t be around him anymore. I want him.”

  “Want him?” Carol asked.

  “Argh! You guys are so slow. I want his body.”

  She stuck her tongue out at them. The tension broke and everyone packed up laughing and took the intense focus off her face and onto their food.

  “You certainly are confused, Ella,” Pauline said. “Think I would be, too. How did this happen?”

  “I suppose I got a bit jealous at the way he spoke to you, and then there was that kiss he gave me shortly after we started the business. I told you about it, Pauline. He kissed me again on the farm in the middle of a huge thunderstorm. And well, I kind of kissed him when I went to his house the other night to break the whole thing off so I could go for Dirk because every time Dirk kissed me, I would think of Ross. The crazy thing is, I never ever saw Ross in that way before and never dreamed I would. And now, I can’t keep my hands off him.”

  “Well, I can understand how you don’t want to take advantage of him seeing he loves you and you just want his bod,” Carol added to the tease.

  “No, exactly.”

  “But maybe you do love him.” Andrea remained serious in her tone—no tease with her.

  “I can’t love him.”

  “Why not?” Pauline asked.

  “It wouldn’t work. And don’t ask why. We’ve just been friends for too long. I have to get away.”

  “There must be another way.” Carol stroked her chin. “We have to come up with something.”

  “What?” She wished there was even though a new job opportunity shouldn’t be missed. Or should it? Her dad lived in Durban, too. Could be an opportunity to get to know him better. They’d spent so many years apart. “Anyhow, enough of that. Let’s talk about something happy.”

  They nodded and went quiet and chewed and topped up with drinks, although Ella couldn’t ignore the heavy vibe hanging around their table. She should feel really grateful they didn’t want her to leave. Instead, all it did was confuse her more and add to her misery.