Find Me--Part One

by Michelle Mankin

  We swam instead of snorkeling, floating on our backs in the gentle waves until the sun almost set and then hiked back to where we had parked the jeep. He didn’t make any overtures when he said goodnight back at the villa, but at least he wasn’t abrupt this time. I went to bed early after checking on the boys and talking with Claire a bit without mentioning her brother. I didn’t know what he had told her or she had told him exactly. I just liked the feeling that the time Johnny and I spent together was uniquely ours and no one else’s.

  In the morning, I shuffled into the kitchen before sunrise, the result of going to bed too early the night before. I had determined during the night that I was going to forget about my obsession. We were just friends after all and temporary ones at that. The only problem with that plan was that my obsession didn’t cooperate.

  “Johnny,” I exclaimed, my hand to my throat when he appeared, as if out of wishful imagination. “You scared me. You’ve got to make more noise when you come upstairs so I can hear you.”

  “Sorry.” He stroked his beard, his dark brows dipping thoughtfully.

  “Is everything okay?” He hadn’t played the piano last night. It had been eerily quiet down below in his apartment. “Would you like me to whip you up something for breakfast? I make decent pancakes.”

  “No. I already had a protein shake. But I don’t need you to take care of me, Anna. I’m not one of your boys.”

  My body jerked. “I was just trying to be courteous,” I explained, feeling hurt.

  “I appreciate the offer,” he softened the rebuke. “You’re very sweet and considerate. Not at all what I expected.” He moved closer, his gaze roaming restlessly across my features. “And you’re so unbelievably pretty straight out of bed.”

  “Thank you.” I looked away.

  He gently took my chin and turned me back to face him. “I’m serious, but you just brush it off like you do with nearly all my compliments as if you don’t believe me.”

  I swallowed. He was very observant and correct for that matter. I didn’t believe him. I had no makeup on. My hair was a wild reddish brown halo around my head. But his words were like precious rain to my parched ego and like the cactus on the arid side of the island, I wanted to soak up each and every one. Thinking of leaving made my eyes burn. I tried to tell the tears to go away, but they sprang up anyway.

  “Why can’t you accept what I say at face value?” He shook his head and a thick wave of black fell into his turbulent grey eyes. “I don’t get it. Any of it. You’re a looker. Anyone can see that even with all the makeup and layers of fancy shit you were wearing when you first got here. What happened to you that you don’t see what I see when you look in the mirror?”

  “A lot of years of being invisible,” I admitted. “A lot of years of being a mother, but not much else.”

  “That’s what I thought and that’s a shame.” His eyes searched mine before his expression lightened. He touched my arm softly. “Put that sexy swimsuit on and that silly cover-up if you must. Then come down to the dock. I want you to come out with me on my boat today.”

  I watched him and his barefooted salty swagger until he disappeared through the entryway. I don’t think the man ever wore anything but board shorts. But no man filled out a pair better in my opinion.

  I liked, no I loved the time that we had spent together. I liked who I was with him. A few compliments and a little appreciation went a long way toward making me feel more like the confident woman I had been before Charles’ inattention and betrayals had stolen that from me.

  I took a shower even though we were going to be on a boat and probably in the ocean all day. I wasn’t all fancy, but I was not a roughing it and foregoing bathing type of woman, either.

  Grabbing a tote with sunscreen and a towel, I locked the villa and crossed the sand to the dock. I didn’t see Johnny, so I studied the boat he had appropriately named Lightning and waited for him to appear. I knew it was a catamaran because it had two hulls, but that was the extent of my maritime knowledge. I couldn’t even remember which end was the bow and which was the stern. But I would make it a point to learn those things today because it seemed to be important to Johnny.

  “Hey, fancy face.” He stuck his dark head out from around the center cabin. “I didn’t hear you come up. You’re the one who needs to stomp louder to announce your presence.” He grinned, and the breeze tossed around his hair. “Leave your flip-flops on the dock, or just throw them over on the deck out of the way.” He pointed to where his were so I tossed mine beside them. “You don’t need shoes on a boat. Bare feet give you better traction and a better feel for the rhythm of the ocean.” He leaned over the steel and cable railing and offered me his hand.

  “Permission to come aboard, captain,” I asked before taking it.

  “Baby, you never need to ask to board me,” he teased, his warm fingers enveloping mine.

  I rolled my eyes and tried not to let my mind wander. He hugged me firmly but briefly before letting me go.

  “I’ve already got one of the bladders in.” I blinked at him. I had no idea what he was talking about and my mind was still on the hug, on how good his hard, sculpted body had felt against mine. “I’ll get the other and untie us. Then I’ll let you steer us out of the bay if you like. We might even be able to find some good wind today.”

  We did find wind, and I decided at the very beginning that I had never had a more perfect day. Being on the water with the breeze blowing my hair and the ocean all around us was even more freeing than being on the island.

  I steered until we got out into the Sir Francis Drake Channel, the body of water between the British Virgin Islands and St. John. Johnny pointed out the large island of Tortola on the left and Salt and Norman Islands, which were much smaller, on the right. Across the water, they just looked like rolling hills. I couldn’t make out individual houses or roads. He showed me how to hoist the sails. As the white nylon billowed and snapped, harnessing the wind and propelling us across the surface of the ocean fast enough to whip tears from my eyes, I decided I didn’t just feel free out here, I felt at one with nature.

  And with Johnny I felt…

  I let that deep thought go and just smiled over my shoulder at him as he reached for me. He pulled me beside him and the wheel as he steered. I tipped my face into the wind and the peace of the moment swept me away stronger than the pull of any tide.

  “Not that one, fancy face,” Johnny corrected. “The other one. That’s right. Crank it all the way down.”

  “Got it. Thanks.” I slid my sunglasses out of my hair and back over my eyes after I brought the sail down. In just the few hours we had been sailing, I had learned a lot. Johnny was a good teacher and very patient even when he had to explain things several times to me. I got distracted around him a lot.

  He lowered the anchor near a sheer rock face where gulls and pelicans roosted. We had the secluded cove of a rocky island Johnny said was unnamed all to ourselves. He motioned for me to follow him inside and slid the door closed after me.

  I insisted he let me prepare our lunch. I rinsed lettuce and sliced tomatoes for sandwiches while he leaned on the counter watching me.

  “Why don’t you put on some music?” I asked, feeling flustered having him so close.

  “Sure. What do you like to listen to? The radio signal is pretty limited in the Sound.”

  “I don’t really care.” I took out some pre-sliced cheese, turkey and ham, and laid them out on bread on the opposite side from the vegetables. “You pick.”

  “Tortola station it is.” He set the dial and slid by me, brushing my body on the way to the fridge while I tried to pretend every nerve ending hadn’t sizzled and popped from that brief contact. “Want a Carib?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I have water.” I needed to keep my wits about me with him in such close proximity. “Oh, I love this song.” It had been a number one hit several years ago. I remembered singing it in the SUV when I had dropped the boys off at school. I starte
d to sing the words I knew. “She’s the water. I’m the wave. She’s the…” A frown on his face, Johnny brushed by me again and switched off the music abruptly. His back was to me, but I could clearly see the tension that had seized him. “What’s wrong? Was it my singing?” I tried to make a joke to lighten the sudden, heavy vibes I could feel rolling off him.

  After a moment, he shook his head, but he didn’t turn to face me, and he didn’t reply. It was very odd. What had upset him? I was sure it had been the song. I tried to remember the name of the band, but all I could remember was that they had been a successful rock group that had since disbanded. I wasn’t really into rock. I was more of a country music fan since I grew up in Dallas.

  “Let’s go for a swim before lunch.” Johnny slid his arms around my waist and nuzzled his soft beard back and forth in the hollow of my shoulder. How could I refuse an offer like that?

  “Sure. Just let me cover our sandwiches.”

  I scanned the deck when I emerged from the main gallery, but I didn’t see him.

  “Down here.” He was already floating in the gentle swells, treading water. He gave me the look, the hot one that made my pulse skitter. “Ditch the cover-up and join me.”

  “Sure. But…” I glanced around. “How do I get in the water?”

  “There’s a ladder aft…I mean at the back of the boat.”

  “Okay. I negotiated my way to the back, unzipped my cover-up and held the rails as I climbed down. Johnny’s warm fingers slid up my calves and skimmed my thighs.

  “Let me help you.” His large hands nearly spanned my waist as he plucked me off the ladder and brought me down into the waves with him. I tried not to hyperventilate as he held my back to his front, and we floated in the cove together.

  “You can let go of me,” I eventually said though what I wanted to do was lean my head back against his shoulder and stay like that forever.

  “Sure.” He released me, and I immediately mourned the loss. An arc of salt water shot over me. “C’mon, fancy face. I’ll show you something cool.”

  The bioluminescence in the small cave was fascinating even without snorkel masks. After exploring it a bit, we climbed back on the boat and sat side by side at the circular table eating the sandwiches I had prepared...without music.

  Johnny had another beer, and I had a soda. I cleaned up the mess while Johnny watched but that closed off expression had returned to his face. The one he had worn most of the time since I had sung that song. I wished we had cell service out here. I would have googled it by the lyrics to try to make some sense out of what was going on with him.

  “We need to head back soon, but I feel like a nap before we do. Would you keep me company? I was thinking about spreading a blanket over the front netting.”

  “Sure.” I took the hand he offered me, and his warm fingers gripped mine tightly. I tiptoed over the deck behind him, and he did all the work spreading the blanket out smoothly and laying down first. On his back, sunglasses shielding his gaze, he looked up at me as if he thought I might turn him down.

  Not a chance. Not this time. Not when I knew the time we had together was running out.

  I crawled toward him and pressed myself into his side, smoothing his silky soft hair from his eyes before I could talk myself out of it. I tucked the longer strands behind his ears. It might have been my imagination but it seemed as though a shudder rolled through him.

  “Thank you,” I said, pressing my cheek to his chest and snuggling close. He let out a breath, tucked one muscular arm around me, and placed the other behind his head for a cushion.

  “For what?” he asked.

  “For today. For letting me stay in your villa to regroup and reevaluate my life. For the compliments. For spending so much time with me. For everything.” My heart felt too full.

  “Anna.” He turned on his side to face me. “I should be thanking you. I’ve been by myself so long I had forgotten what it’s like to have someone genuinely care for me. I honestly didn’t think there were any women like you left anymore. You’re a nurturer, Anna. No, don’t shake your head at me. I know you think that’s not something special, but it is. The world’s full of takers, users and self-promoters, but you give. You encourage. You serve out of all the goodness that’s in that lovely heart of yours. Every single day since you arrived, I wake up excited about a new day to spend with you. I don’t feel angry or resentful anymore about the past really, and it’s all because of you. I just want to be with you.” He framed my face with his warm hands. He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. He lowered his mouth to mine. He pressed his firm lips to my soft ones, and he kissed me.

  While the ocean lapped against the boat, he kissed me.

  While the seagulls cried overhead, he kissed me.

  While the breeze whipped the tacked sails, he kissed me.

  And I reveled in it all.

  But mostly in him.

  I shouldn’t have allowed it.

  He was too young for me.

  The timing was all wrong.

  But his mouth on mine couldn’t have felt more right. I gloried in each subtle change in the pressure as he moved his lips across mine. I smoothed my fingertips over his beard, marveling at the soft texture and the angled contours of the jaw underneath. I gasped when he grew insistent and his tongue slipped between my parted lips. He positioned my head with his strong hands so that he could delve even deeper, and the hot male groan that pierced my mouth made me arch into him. I forgot that we were outside and that anyone could see us. I longed for so much more, for him to fill the emptiness inside of me, the physical and the spiritual void but…

  Apparently, he didn’t feel the same.

  He ripped his mouth from mine, looking at me as if in disbelief of what had occurred, of what I had allowed to happen.

  I was suddenly on fire with shame. Heavy regret made my arms and legs feel like lead. I ducked my chin to my chest and mumbled something and scurried from the netting. I held back the hot rush of tears until I knew I was where he couldn’t see me anymore. Johnny didn’t deserve to feel bad.

  The blame was all on me.

  I stayed below deck on one of the bunks until I felt the bump of the boat against the dock. I could feel him, I swore I could sense his presence through the hull. I wanted him with a ferocity that made the way I had felt about Charles in the beginning feel like it had been just a dress rehearsal for Johnny. I avoided him, grabbed my shoes and stepped onto the dock. I almost sprinted up the sandy slope and nearly tripped on the steep stone path on the side of the villa on my way to the top apartment.

  “Anna,” he called, and I silently cursed my shaking fingers for not being able to insert the key into the lock on the first attempt.

  “Yes,” I answered not turning around but not brave enough to risk voicing the words to ask, to beg him to come inside and to stay.

  “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. That kiss. It was so intense. And you and me, this between us, it’s happening so fast. Don’t take this the wrong way.” He was silent for a moment. I turned around, but I couldn’t see his face. It was dusk now, and he was all in shadow. “Okay never mind. Strike that. Do take this exactly the way I mean it. I want you so badly I can’t sleep at night because being with you is all I think about. The way your voice goes all soft and incredibly beautiful when you’re on the phone with your boys. How pretty you look when you sleep and when you wake up. The way it feels so fucking natural when we’re together…so easy…so right…just…if you would consider…I know you’re in an in-between kind of place, but would you spend the night with me? Let me touch you. Be connected to you. I don’t want to waste another minute of the time we have left by being apart.”

  I shut him up. My mouth to his. My legs wrapped around his waist. He didn’t need any further incentive. His tongue swept between my lips. He backed me into the wall of the villa, and he pressed his very impressive and hard erection to the part of me that ached to be filled.

  Yes. Yes. And YES.

&
nbsp; He carried me inside and dropped me on the bed. “Strip,” he ordered. “Fast.”

  I shimmied out of my bathing suit and cover-up, and he threw his shirt off and dropped his swim trunks. His erection sprang free, holding my rapt attention.

  “Anna,” he whispered. “Babe.” I lifted my gaze. His eyes were a dark morass of need. Or were they just a reflection of my own? How long had it been since Charles or any man had desired me? For years, I suspected my husband had just been going through the motions. The biggest turnoff beyond talk of techniques and timing was thinking that I was not desirable anymore.

  Johnny’s brows twisted together. It was as if he read my mind again. He took my chin in his firm grasp as he sank a knee into the bed. “It’s just you and me here. No one else.” He stroked my hair following the path of one curl till it ended above the swell of my breast. His warm fingers wrapped around me. “You are so beautiful.” He swept a thumb gently across my taut, aching peak.

  I gasped as a jolt of fiery sensation shot from my tit straight to my core.

  “So perfect.” His voice was deeper than I had ever heard it. Darker. He lowered his head, firm wet lips surrounding my nipple, his tongue swirling, the edge of his teeth nipping with just the right amount of pressure to balance pleasure and pain.

  “Johnny. Yes,” I inhaled roughly, my hands sinking deep into his thick hair to hold him there as he did the same thing again to the other breast. This time harder. Wetter. I got hotter and wetter lower where my need was the sharpest, when he took his capable palm and glided it over the swell of my abdomen right to the part of me that ached with desperate urgency.

  “Please.” I swallowed to try again, my hands smoothing over his hard contours. I grabbed his hips, my fingers digging in.

  “No, Anna. If anyone should beg, it should be me. Please,” he stared into my eyes, the inferno in his setting me on fire. “Let me slide my hot cock inside of you. Let me fuck you until we are both so crazy that we beg each other.”