Find Me--Part One

by Michelle Mankin

  “Yes, Johnny,” I agreed, fingers flexing on his hot skin as he climbed over me, his knee sliding higher between my legs to part them. I lifted my hips and wantonly grinded against his leg, accepting the friction he offered.

  “Anna. Fuck,” he rasped. “You are so hot. So wet.”

  He shifted, and I heard the rustle and rip of a condom packet, and then I let out a long, blissful hiss as he positioned and slid his sheathed cock inside of me.

  “Johnny,” I praised. He was beyond what I had imagined. He totally filled me, and it was a perfect fit.

  “Anna,” he whispered and began to move. Hot, long purposeful strokes in and out, and then in and up, seeking and hitting the perfect spot over and over again, swiftly taking me to a place I couldn’t remember being before. The explosion, the scorching bliss, the sense of deep and meaningful connection that followed was so incredible that warm tears slid from the corners of my eyes.

  He groaned my name a moment after and stiffened within me as he climaxed, too. But when I was tempted to hold him to me, he slid out.

  I turned my head and buried my face in the pillow. I didn’t want him to see my face, to guess how long it had been for me and how much what we had done had meant to me, because I knew in my heart that it couldn’t possibly have meant the same thing to him.

  I SLEPT INSIDE for the first time. I wanted to linger between the sheets that smelled like citrus and the ocean. I doubted there would be another time with Johnny. His eyes had been so guarded when he had kissed me on the forehead and slid out of bed at dawn.

  But eventually caffeine beckoned. I showered, drank a cup of coffee and ventured out on the deck. A swift sharp pang of loss hit me in the midsection, doubling me over when I confirmed what I had feared. His sailboat was gone.

  It’s okay, Annabelle, I told myself. We shared the best day of my life and a night of mutual pleasure. Glorious, mind-blowing pleasure. But it was over. This was the way his generation operated if current film and fiction were to be believed. Hook up and move on. I had been foolish to say yes. Sex was too emotionally connected for me.

  Too bad the one who wore the matching band to mine didn’t feel the same way.

  Sad for me that I got carried away by the dream of another.

  I did some washing. There wasn’t a washer or dryer, so I made due with the sink and hung my wet clothes on a line on the side of the house. I went for a run, jogging all the way down the hill to where the road ended past dozens of other villas tucked into the lush, tropical foliage, invisible from my apartment. I had to briefly pause and run in place on the way back to let a large iguana lumber across the road.

  Once back at the villa, I showered for the second time and then called to check on my boys. They were in good hands. They loved Claire. She watched JoJo with them and let them order an extra pizza so that they could eat it for leftovers in their school lunches the next day.

  “Hey, Belle. How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” I twirled a curl around my finger, staring out at the water, telling myself to stop looking for his boat.

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  “Just homesick for the boys, I guess.”

  “Hmm. Did you make any decisions yet?”

  “No.” I knew the one she wanted me to make. She wanted me to leave Charles immediately. From the very beginning of our friendship, it had almost seemed as if she had a built-in dislike of him even though he was totally indifferent to her. What if I did leave him? What about my boys? They needed their father, though he traveled so much nowadays searching for new talent that they rarely saw him. How would I provide for them? My prenup with Charles was pretty restrictive. If I left him now, I would get some kind of settlement and child support for CJ who would still be at home two more years but that wouldn’t pay tuition for a university education for Trent. Asking for help from my parents was out of the question. Cooper, my brother, had enough problems of his own after coming home from his last tour in Iraq. Faith, my sister, was just starting to get her life back on track after serving a year in jail for her DUI with serious bodily injury, a third degree felony. It would be up to me to come up with the funds to take care of all of us, but what marketable skills did I have? Nothing current. Nothing beyond that internship at Zenith Productions all those years ago. My dusty liberal arts degree wouldn’t be good for much. Sure, I part-timed with Claire helping her with her growing personal training business, but that small salary would hardly pay the rent.

  “Not a lot of days left to figure it out, honey,” Claire reminded me.

  She was right. Ironically, there had been plenty of time for my heart to get battered around some more. Not that it was Johnny’s fault.

  “Claire,” I prompted.

  “Yeah.”

  “What’s it like…the dating scene nowadays?”

  “It sucks, baby. Lots of frogs out there. So far no princes. At least not for me. But why are you asking? Are you leaning towards leaving the douchebag? Please say yes.”

  I was of course, or I wouldn’t have slept with Johnny. But after the way that had turned out, I was too beaten up emotionally to handle anything else at the moment. I had a sudden terrible thought. “If a guy acts like he’s really into you and you sleep with him and then he takes off the next morning,” I swallowed around the painful lump in my throat, “does that still mean what it used to mean?” That it wasn’t all that great for him. That he took off to avoid the embarrassment of telling you that he didn’t want a repeat.

  “Oh honey. Yeah. Usually. Why, did you meet someone?”

  “No,” I lied, but I knew she wouldn’t buy it. I was a terrible liar. Half-truths and misdirection were my husband’s domain.

  “I’m sorry, Belle. I thought this trip would be good for you.”

  “It has.” It had been. Mostly. “Hey, the sun’s about to go down. The light’s good for some pictures. I should shoot a couple while I can.”

  “You do that.” She was quiet a minute. “Chose wisely, Belle. Do what’s best for you, even if it’s hard. Even if it’s a little scary. I’ll always be there for you. Okay?”

  I nodded, though she couldn’t see me.

  “Love you, babe.”

  “You, too, Claire. I’ll call you again tomorrow.”

  I hung up and stared at the water. It remained as vacant as my thoughts. Sighing, chastising myself for sitting around doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself, I scooped up my camera, purse and keys, and drove out to Cinnamon Bay. I snapped shot after shot of the beautiful beach and the cay in the distance that lay stark against the glistening blue expanse of the ocean.

  When the light disappeared, I put the lens cap back on my camera, got in my jeep…his jeep…and headed back toward the villa. Traffic snarled in Cruz Bay came to a virtual standstill in front of Morgan’s Mango. Lured by the sign for half-off margaritas, I circled the parking lot across the street until someone gave up a space.

  I forced a confident smile onto my face, climbed up the set of wooden stairs, and entered the bustling second-story, open-air restaurant. The hostess asked how many were in my party. I answered, lifting my chin and pretending I was indifferent to the fact that I was alone, when in reality I couldn’t even remember the last time I had gone into a bar or restaurant by myself.

  I found an empty spot at the bar so I didn’t have to wait for a table and ordered a frozen mango margarita. The handsome bartender who looked as young as Johnny placed a bar napkin and slid a bowl of salted nuts in front of me.

  By the second margarita, I was feeling as deliciously warm inside as the temperature in the restaurant and very mellow. Chair dancing to the recorded music, I leaned heavily on my elbows, only half listening to a sixty-something retiree beside me prattle on about the benefits of owning a time share on the island.

  When someone tapped me on the back, I excused myself from him and turned to find a well-tanned man, near my age. His glazed eyes smiled at me from behind his glasses. “Come dance with me.” He listed a l
ittle to the side. I wondered how many margaritas he’d had.

  “No, that’s okay.” There wasn’t really a dance floor that I could tell, just an empty bit of space next to the speakers. “I’m really not much of a dancer, but thanks for the offer.”

  “But I’ve watched you. You’ve been shimmying your sexy ass all over that chair.” He stroked my arm.

  I yanked it back.

  “I’m fine, really. I…”

  “I think the lady is too polite to say she would rather be left alone.” His deep voice made a warm thrill roll through me. Trying not to look too pathetically hopeful, I turned around to face him. Giving me an uncertain smile when our eyes met and held, Johnny moved into position between the man and me. He leaned an elbow on the bar like he was planning to stay awhile. Seeming to take the hint, my inebriated suitor stumbled down to the next unaccompanied woman at the bar.

  “Hey, Lightning.” The bartender lifted his arm across the bar to fist bump him. I noted that Johnny was wearing the same shirt and swim trunks he had worn when he had left me in bed the night before. “Haven’t seen you around in a while. You gonna play something pretty for us tonight?”

  “No, man. I’m beat. I’ve been on the boat all day tacking up and down the Sound trying to get my head straight.”

  “That’s a good place to do it.” The bartender uncapped a Carib and set it in front of him without Johnny even having to ask. Johnny tried to hand him some cash, but he waved it away. “It’s on me. I still owe you for taking me and Gabriella to the hospital on your boat.”

  “Not a big deal,” Johnny told him.

  “Untrue. No one else was willing to risk the crossing during that squall.”

  “How’s the baby?” Johnny asked, seeming to want to downplay his role in the event.

  “Great, thanks to you.” A sunburned tourist on the other end of the bar lifted his tumbler asking for a refill. “Coming,” the bartender said. “Give me a minute with my friend. He’s making important life choices over here.” He leaned in toward Johnny. “You need any help? Or did you find the answers out there?”

  “I found them, Trinidad. Mostly. Thanks.” Johnny turned toward me and in my peripheral vision I saw the bartender move away, then nothing else registered but a pair of grey eyes more intense than any storm I had ever weathered. “In the end I decided I just have to go where my heart leads,” Johnny told me, his voice low, his gaze holding mine a long beat before it dipped to my hands. I still had my left one folded on top of my right on the bar, the diamonds in my wedding band reflecting the mood lights like a warning signal. Earlier I had hoped the sight of them would convince my inebriated friend to move on. It hadn’t deterred him at all, but was that why Johnny had left after we slept together? Not because I had been inadequate or just a dalliance?

  “Even if there are obstructions in our way.” Johnny continued, seeming to be saying just that. “Even if the starboard markers aren’t all green. No guarantees of happiness. Learned that hard lesson long before you came along, Anna. But I’ve been languishing without a course line until you came along. I didn’t know how wrong my life was until you made it right. I didn’t realize how empty it was until you showed me how full it could be with you in it.”

  I SIPPED ICE water while Johnny finished one beer and started on another. I really wanted to believe his reappearance meant he wanted to continue where we had left off, to celebrate those things we had found together for as long as we could. But I was scared. My confidence too damaged by Charles to take the non-guaranteed leap of faith he had proposed.

  “I think your friend had the right idea, fancy face.” Sensing my tension, Johnny held out his hand as a slow number heavy on the steel drums started playing. “Come dance with me.”

  How could I refuse? It seemed wherever he led my feet automatically wanted to follow.

  My hand in his, he gave it a firm yank to pull me into him, tucking it to his chest and covering it with his own to keep it there. His other hand settled warm and low like a stamp of ownership on my back that felt more significant than any wedding ring. I was surprised the heat of his skin didn’t burn through the cotton of my sarong.

  We moved together as if we had been partners for years. Like on the boat, his arms felt like paradise, like home, like the piece of my puzzling life that had always been missing. He knew the words and sang them in a sexy rumble near my ear. When a fast one came on, I thought he would suggest we return to our seats. Not a chance. Johnny had an incredible feel for the beat and poured his lithe body into the rhythm of one pulse pounding song after another. Even though his body moved frenetically, his eyes remained fixed on me the entire time. His expression, along with the way he kept touching me as if he couldn’t stop, seemed to say he was into me. I was certainly captivated by him. Even with his unruly hair sweaty and plastered to his skull, he was so roguishly handsome that he commandeered my heart and waylaid my senses.

  When I noticed the staff had started placing chairs on top of the tables, I lifted my head from his strong shoulder. “We’d better go,” I said over a yawn. “I think they’re ready to shut the place down.”

  He nodded, his eyes heavy-lidded, whether from the amount of alcohol he had consumed or due to desire, I wasn’t entirely sure. But I hoped it was the latter.

  I was feasting on the empty calories of hope a lot lately.

  “I left the jeep in the lot across the street,” I explained feeling nervous as we stepped outside and stopped under the glaring, truth-inducing street light.

  “I know,” he replied. “I saw it when I brought the boat into the harbor. That’s how I found you tonight.”

  Held captive by his hypnotic gaze, my lids felt heavy too as I peered up at him. “You were looking for me?”

  “Hell, yes, Anna.” My heart stumbled and so did I on the wooden steps. He took my arm and guided me down the sidewalk. “I’ve been looking for a woman like you my whole damn life.”

  Or at least that’s what I wanted to believe I heard. With a group of college kids laughing loudly as they careened through the parking lot on their way to another bar, I wasn’t totally certain.

  I drove since I had stopped after the second margarita. He gave me directions back to the villa and for that I was grateful. In the dark, everything looked different. If he hadn’t come along, I don’t think I would have been able to find my way. Randomly, I wondered if that might apply on a deeper level having just met him at this tempestuous juncture in my life.

  I quickly shook that thought away. It was what it was, nothing more. We both knew it. We were adults. Claire was his sister. By now he had to know a great deal of the specifics of my situation. I withheld little from her. I knew his situation, too. Mostly.

  “Anna” He took the keys from my hands when I stalled out physically and mentally in front of the gate to the villa. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. The tequila wore off a long time ago.” Yet my hands had come up to rest on his hard forearms as if I needed him to steady my balance.

  “That’s good. So did my beer. I let you drive just to be overcautious. And these roads can be tricky at night.” He ran the back of his hand down my cheek. I wanted to but didn’t lean into his warm touch.

  I bit my lip. “Well, I guess this is goodnight.” I pasted on what I hoped was a carefree smile. “I’m glad you’re back home. I would hate to think I ran you off.”

  His body suddenly went tense. I could feel his muscles flexing beneath my fingers. The air got supercharged as if his skin were a conduit for electrical energy. “Is it, Anna?”

  “Is what?” I whispered, not able to think straight when he put his large hands on my hips drawing me closer to him, exactly where I wanted to be.

  “Is this home, baby?” He lowered his head, his gaze dipping to my lips before returning to my eyes. “Cause if you pose that question to me after the way I’ve been feeling just being away from you for a day, then I’m gonna say that home to me is wherever you are. The actual physical address
doesn’t really matter.”

  “Yes,” I agreed as his firm lips pressed to mine. “Yes to whatever it is that will keep you here. Your hands on me. Your mouth on mine. You in my bed,” I admitted honestly. “You with me for as long as possible.”

  His response was purely physical. His lips took possession of my mouth, and his tongue swept inside, hot, insistent, establishing dominance. The heat of his passion swept me away. My body bowed toward his. He slid his hands to my lower back to pull me into his hips. Just when I was seriously thinking about rocking over his very evident erection, he suddenly broke the kiss, but only to growl at me to hold on as he lifted me into his strong arms. I sighed my compliance, winding my own arms around his neck. He brushed a soft dream-like kiss across the surface of my parted lips to show his approval.

  Somehow he got the key in the lock on the first try. My shoes slid off my feet as he strode quickly through the villa, but I didn’t care. He went straight to the bed and gently laid me on it.

  “Anna, my sweet sexy tenderhearted Anna.” He kicked off his flip-flops, positioned himself over me, straddled my leg with his muscled thighs, and bracketed my head between his flexed arms. The hem of my dress rose to an indecent level that barely covered my panties. Eyes darkened with passion, he slowly traced them down my body and then back up again. I returned his gaze not trying to shield my thoughts, letting him see how much I desired him. “So unassuming. So beautiful. I can’t do this and walk away from you again. You say all you have is your boys, your siblings and my sister. Theirs are the only photos on your camera. Yet you wear those rings still. Why? What about your husband?”

  “What about him?” I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling like I had been offered everything I ever wanted only to have it yanked away. “I will talk about him if you want to, if we need to, but he doesn’t belong here.” Tears clogged my throat. I turned my head to the side hearing the ocean but unable to see it. “He isn’t a part of my life. He’s been out of it for over a year. I moved back to Dallas where I grew up. He stayed in San Francisco. He visits the boys twice a month on weekends, but he never stays at our house.” I swallowed the bitterness. “Is that it? Is that what you needed to know?”