HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  He’d only see me strong and confident. He’d never see the internal turmoil he’d unleashed in me.

  Backstage, we stood there arm in arm, and we waited. People bustled everywhere. The crew was already disassembling things and packing stuff up. The guys were still on the stage, having been called out for an encore. Peyton and I had slipped out when they ended their set before they retook the stage. Hearing them onstage, playing another song from the early days, caused everything inside me to riot. I was a mess. It was reminiscent of days gone by, the days when I was waiting for him to come off the stage, to kiss him, to congratulate him on an amazing performance.

  Peyton and I were in a corner, waiting for the guys to come off the stage. I glanced over at her, and her eyes were downcast, her lips tipped down in a slight frown. I wondered what was going through her mind. The guys left the stage and people were immediately on them. Assistants handing them towels, bottles of water, talking to them about the concert and how well they did. Nash nodded, scrubbing his damp hair with a towel, then guzzled down water. Felix was shirtless. Clearly, he still overheated on stage, taking his shirt off halfway through the set. It felt familiar, seeing the guys coming off the stage buzzing from the high of performing, but also completely different. They had people all around them. Before, it would have been Peyton and me taking care of what they needed. We would have been taking down their equipment and helping load it in the van.

  But now…now they had people they paid to do all this stuff. They had people who would make sure they were taken care of, and all their stuff was put away. I couldn’t help but feel slightly useless. For the hundredth time, I thought of how bad an idea it was to come here tonight. As the thought flitted through my mind, Vivienne came from somewhere backstage, running at Nash full speed. She flung herself around him, arms tight around his neck, kissing him. I averted my eyes as my stomach twisted and my heart ached.

  Once upon a time, that would have been me too.

  I hadn’t realized I was digging my nails into Peyton’s arm until she patted my hand with hers. “We’ll leave as soon as we can, ‘kay?” she whispered. I nodded. I wanted my anger back. It was so easy to be unaffected by him when the sight of him made me want to punch the wall. I felt vulnerable and the walls I’d built around my heart were shaking with the force of the nostalgia flooding me.

  “Bee!” a loud voice bellowed from across the room. “Peyt!” Felix walked toward us, though his long legs ate the space between us with surprising speed. He had the biggest grin on his face, and he looked so happy. His shirt hung from his back pocket, swaying behind him with every step he took. He pulled us into a hug, and I pushed against him, laughing despite myself. His chest was still damp, and I didn’t want to end the night with a face full of someone else’s sweat. “God, it’s good to see you two.” Felix pushed his way between us, slinging his arms around our shoulders. “Nash, look! It’s Bee and Peyton!” The joy in his voice was unmistakable.

  Nash scrubbed the towel over his head again before wrapping it around his neck, taking a step back from Vivienne. The smile he’d been wearing slipped from his face as his eyes devoured my face, seeming to check in on me. I wanted to yell at him, to tell him I was fine. Instead, I looked back at him, allowing my lips to tip up slightly. “Hey, ladies.” His voice was distant. Vivienne slid up next to him, wrapping her arms around him, gazing up at him as though he were the most important person in the entire world to her.

  Vivienne’s eyebrows crawled up her forehead, and her smile seemed fake. “You guys know each other?” Her eyes flicked between all of us, clearly trying to understand it all.

  Felix beamed at her, his arms slung across Peyton and me, the sticky weight of it anchoring me to the spot. “We were best friends back in the day. Didn’t Nash tell you?” There was something teasing about the way he said this like he was poking Nash.

  Vivienne looked up at Nash, more confused than before. “Nash, why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

  He shrugged, rubbing his towel over his head again. “It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  His words, so nonchalant, so easily spoken, threatened to gut me on the spot. I clenched my teeth hard until my jaw ached. He was so careless with his words. Did he think I had no feelings left?

  “Oh,” Vivienne said, her eyes bouncing between the four of us. “That’s cool. You still should have told me.” She leaned closer to Nash.

  “Yeah, Nash. It isn’t cool for you to keep secrets like this,” Felix quipped.

  Vivienne’s eyes landed on me, studying. She assessed me, head to toe like she was trying to figure out my connection to her fiancé. “I promise, Vivienne; it’s not a problem,” I said, somehow getting the words out. They felt like sand on my tongue.

  She smiled at me, still looking unsure.

  Felix decided the conversation was over because he directed Peyton and me through the people moving around. As we walked, he talked to people, calling out directions or jokes or acknowledgements. Felix, who’d always been more reserved and quiet, was talking a mile a minute and I had trouble keeping up. Had he really changed so much? Once he’d gotten through the people, he pulled Peyton and me through a door, into what I assumed was the room they hung out in before they took the stage. He plopped down on a couch, dragging us with him still. “How’ve you been? What’s been going on? I feel so out of the loop.”

  Peyton moved away from him as much as she could, though he kept his arm tight across her. “We have been fine. Not as busy as you, apparently.”

  “Lots has changed, but not everything.” Something in his voice made me look up, curious. They regarded each other, and something passed between them, something unnameable.

  “Good to know.” Peyton stood and went over to the table to grab a water bottle. As she sipped, Nash and Vivienne finally joined us, Vivienne still plastered to Nash’s side. I stayed against Felix’s side, wanting to move, but unable to. Nash’s eyes pinned me in place, as did Felix’s heavy arm.

  There was an uncomfortable, awkward feel in the air. Even though Felix acted like nothing had changed, it had. We’d gone years without hearing from both of them. It wasn’t just on Nash, he wasn’t the only one who’d left us behind. Felix had been just as willing. Peyton peeled at the label on her water bottle, Nash worried the ends of the towel around his neck, Felix’s leg bounced up and down, and I sat there with my hands clenched together. Vivienne seemed completely immune to the charge in the air as she flitted around, talking about the show and how good it was. Her phone rang, and she answered it, then covered the mouthpiece. “I have to take this.” And she left the room. As soon as she was gone, the awkwardness got so thick it was possible to choke on it.

  I peeled myself away from Felix and went over to Peyton. “We should probably get going,” I said, weaving my arm through Peyton’s. “Thank you so much for the tickets and the backstage passes. It was great seeing you again.” Professional smile in place.

  “Don’t leave yet.” Felix stood. “You just got here, and it’s been so long.”

  “We don’t have to pretend anymore.” The words came out harsher than I wanted them to, but the emotion behind them was too strong to be denied. “We appreciate the gesture, really, we do. It’s good to see you guys doing so well.”

  “Bee,” Felix said.

  I held up my hand, stopping him. “Bianca.”

  His face fell as he studied me. “Bianca. I’d like to talk to you—both of you.” His eyes volleyed between Peyton and me. “I have stuff I’d like to say before you leave.”

  I glanced at Peyton, and she nodded slightly. “We don’t want to hear it.” I glared back at Felix, avoiding Nash’s eyes. “You both have better things to do. We’re here as a courtesy to his…” I pointed to Nash, “…fiancée. We have to appear to be getting along for her sake. So, we’re here. We came to see the show. It was lovely.”

  I turned, ready to leave. Peyton followed me. “Please, guys. Hear me out,” Felix begged. />
  I spun around and poked him in the chest with my finger. “Eight. Years,” I ground out between my teeth. “You’ve had eight years to contact either of us, so we could hear you out,” I spit out. I was so angry, my hands shook, and my blood rushed in my ears. “It’s too little too late. It’s time we all move on, don’t you think?” My eyes flicked to Nash, full of anger. I knew it was his fault that Felix hadn’t contacted us either. When he moved on with his life, Felix had gone with him. It was a double wound. We’d all been so close. I’d lost Nash and another best friend at the same time.

  “Anything you wanted to say should have been said years ago,” Peyton added. She crossed her arms over her chest. Felix had hurt her as well. They were close friends and had grown closer when Nash and I started dating. She thought she mattered to him. We both ended up feeling like placeholders for Nash and Felix. We were just filling the spot of friends until they moved on to bigger and better things, more famous friends.

  “What I did was shitty,” Felix said. He motioned to Nash over his shoulder. “What we did was shitty. Can’t we try to mend it now?”

  Nash took a few steps closer, tentatively. He kept his eyes on me like I was a caged animal about to go off. “Can’t we all try to be friends again?” he asked, his words pleading. His voice turned my stomach.

  “I don’t want to hear it. In fact, there is nothing I want less than to hear your fucking voice.” I hurled the words at him, wishing they’d burn him like acid. I wanted him to feel the devastation I felt all those years ago. I wanted him to become a walking zombie for months on end, unable to stop the hemorrhaging from his heart, completely unable to move on. I loved Nash so much, despite myself. I tried so hard over the years to stop it.

  I loved him, and I absolutely hated myself for loving him.

  Felix held his hands up as if he were surrendering and backed up a few steps. My chest heaved with the anger filling me. It felt more like rage. I wanted to punch walls, throw a chair, punch Nash in his smug face. My hands formed fists, my nails digging into my palm painfully. “Let me explain.” He paused and glanced at Peyton and me, clearly checking to see if we’d let him speak. Neither of us said anything, so he took his chance. “It was wrong. I got wrapped up in everything. The record deal, the tour, the band. It’s no excuse, but it’s what happened.” He put a hand on Peyton’s arm and looked over at me. “It wasn’t fair. I didn’t know how to handle…what happened between you two.” He looked back at Nash and then to me. “I don’t have a reason or a good excuse, just regret.”

  I pressed my lips together. The emotion in Felix’s voice and the sincerity in his eyes crumbled my resolve slightly. Nash had put us all in an impossible place. He’d taken our friendships and detonated a bomb in the middle of us all. I was mad at Felix, sure, but I was more disappointed. I also understood he wasn’t in the best position. I couldn’t think of what to say.

  “So, what now?” Felix asked. The four of us stood there, regarding each other as though the answer would appear out of thin air. I didn’t have a clear answer. The hurt I felt from being disregarded by both Felix and Nash was still too close to the surface for me to brush it off easily. I knew it cut Peyton deep too.

  “There’s nothing now,” I said, firm and resolute. “You guys finish your tour. I plan Nash’s wedding. We all go about our lives.” I was proud my voice didn’t hitch at the mention of Nash’s wedding.

  “I don’t like that plan.” Felix crossed his arms over his chest. “Can’t we try and get past it all?”

  “Do you honestly think it’d work?” I asked. Again, silence filled the spaces between us.

  “Yes.” Nash’s voice was clear, breaking through the tension. Everyone looked to him. “I think it’d work. We’ve wasted a long time—too long.” He studied me, pleading with his eyes. “You were right, Peyton. We were best friends. And honestly, I’ve missed you two more than I care to admit.” He stood next to Peyton, leaving her as a buffer between us. My eyes found his.

  “I’m not sure how that can work,” I said flatly. I was more than willing to try and figure things out with Felix. The wound he left wasn’t anywhere as deep as Nash’s. My anger was my shield. It was easier to be around him when I was angry, when I wanted to punch him in the gut.

  Nash shrugged. “We just…try.”

  “Trying? That’s your big, brilliant plan?” I asked. “I remember another time when you told me we’d try. That didn’t work very well, did it?”

  Nash’s face crumbled. I could tell my words had hurt him. “What do you want me to say, Bianca? That I’m sorry?”

  “Sorry?” I closed the distance between us, my shoulder bumping into Peyton. Both she and Felix moved back a little. “That’s all you seem capable of saying. ‘Sorry, I broke your heart, Bianca.’ ‘Sorry, I gave up on us, Bianca.’ ‘Sorry, you weren’t enough, Bianca.’ ‘I found someone else, Bianca.’” I was up in his face, chest heaving. His eyes were electric as they stared down at me. My breasts brushed against him every time I inhaled, my heart galloping, my body shaking with anger. “Everything you have ever said to me is bullshit and a lie.”

  “That’s not true,” he whispered, his voice soft and full of regret. I wanted to slap him. The sadness in his eyes flamed my anger even more.

  “It’s not true?” I shoved his shoulder, and he took a step back. I’d never lashed out like this before, but I was so mad I practically saw red. “What have you ever done to lead me to believe otherwise? Was it when you ignored me for days at a time? When you dropped off the face of the earth only to reappear to break my heart?” Against my wishes, my voice broke at the end of the sentence. Tears filled my eyes. He looked down at me, still so close I could smell him and feel him. My chin quivered as I tried to steady myself.

  “I never meant to break your heart,” he said, his words so quiet I think I was the only one who heard them.

  “That’s a lie.” I clenched my jaw to keep my emotions in check. “You called that day to break my heart.”

  He squeezed his eyes closed, his throat moving in a swallow. The lump in my throat grew. The pain on his face was clear. I wondered why he was hurting so badly. “I had to, Bee. Don’t you see?” His own words were laced with emotion, trembling with it. His eyes reddened like he was fighting off his own tears.

  “You had to break my heart?” I asked through clenched teeth. He nodded. “I’m glad you broke it before I fell too far,” I lied. I’d fallen all the way in love with him a long time ago. Now, I was trying to find a way to dig myself out of the hole, out of loving him.

  He reached a hand forward like he was going to touch me but stopped, curling his fingers into his palm. If he touched me, I’d break into a million pieces all over the floor. “I loved you. You know that, right?”

  I reared back like he slapped me across the face. “You loved me enough to find someone else? You loved me so much that I was thrown away like trash? You cheated on me, Nash.” I had to stop, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from falling. One slipped out, sliding down my cheek. “I would never do that to someone. I would never do that to you.” I wiped the tear away with the side of my hand, angry it slipped. “I loved you so much, and you destroyed me.”

  His eyes softened, his expression turning sad. “I’m sorry. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt. I’d take it back if I could.”

  I took a step back, out of his orbit. “You can’t take it back, can you? You’ve found someone else. You have love to look forward to.” My anger was crumbling, turning into anguish. Even though I wanted to hate him, I couldn’t work up to hating him completely. I looked up into his gorgeous green eyes, the eyes that had captured my attention that first day on the playground, the ones I thought were so kind, and I forced a smile on my face. “I hope you find happiness, Nash. I hope she is everything you’ve always wanted.”

  I loved him enough to want him to have happiness, even if that happiness wasn’t with me.

  “Please, listen,” Nash pleaded, panic twined
with his words.

  I held up a hand and stopped him. “I…I can’t.” My voice broke again, and I closed my eyes against the tears once again burning my eyes, throat, and nose. I turned to Peyton. “I need to get out of here.”

  “Let’s go.” Peyton wrapped her arms around my shoulders and led me out. Outside the back entrance of the venue, we saw Vivienne on her phone, her eyes widening as she saw us. I nodded goodbye to her and left. Relief flooded me that she hadn’t heard what had gone on in that room.

  As soon as we were outside, Peyton stopped and hugged me tight to her. “I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

  I clung to her as my knees threatened to give out. She somehow directed us to my car and drove us home. I sobbed the entire way. My vision blurred with tears, and my heart was hurting so badly I could barely breathe. I curled into a ball, hoping that if I made myself smaller, the pain would shrink with it. It didn’t work.

  Chapter 17

  This time Demi Lovato added the pep to my step as I drove to the venue. Her brand of confidence and “I don’t give a fuck” attitude was exactly what I needed. I’d spent all weekend wallowing in self-pity. Way too much ice cream was eaten, sweatpants were worn, and messy buns were the only hairstyle I wore. Peyton worked all weekend, overnight, so I was able to indulge by myself.

  Now it was Tuesday, and I had on my favorite heels and the skirt that made me feel amazing. I was going to rock the hell out of this tasting. No one would be able to call me anything other than the utmost professional.

  Inside the venue, I checked with the staff to make sure everything was ready for them, plus made sure the proper documents were signed and ready to go, filed away in case we needed them. The number of non-disclosure agreements I’d had to print out seemed never-ending, but everyone had to sign one. From the secretaries to the chefs to the servers. Hell, even the owner of the establishment had to put pen to paper. There was no way this was getting out on my watch.