The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  "That looks so good," I said instead of scolding him for spreading lies to our daughter.

  "I thought you'd approved." He joined us on the bed and handed me one of the plates.

  "Don't tell Bee I was eating this. I already had to get my dress resized."

  "What's resized?" Scarlett asked with her mouth full of ice cream.

  "It's when you grow, pumpkin," James said.

  "I'm resized too, Daddy. I used to be like that." She poked my stomach. "Right? Before the stork stole me?"

  I pressed my lips together to prevent myself from laughing. We'd had a brief conversation with Scarlett about where babies came from. But we hadn't exactly talked about what to say beforehand. She had asked so many questions that we weren't prepared for. Unfortunately, it ended up sounding like storks came in the middle of the night and stole babies and then eventually returned them when they were finished baking. Or something along those lines. I hoped we hadn't done too much damage.

  "He'll probably come soon to take the baby," Scarlett said. "Draw the stork stealing the baby panda and putting it in the oven." She placed a neon pink crayon on my piece of paper. "What happens if the baby bakes too long? Does it become a grown-up?"

  James stifled a laugh.

  I looked up at him. His eyes danced with so much warmth. God, we really had messed up our story. What if Scarlett went her whole life thinking that was how babies were born?

  "There's a timer that lets you know when the baby is done," James said. "You know what, I'd like to draw the oven."

  "Okay." Scarlett put a purple crayon and a piece of paper on his lap. "But what if the stork is in the bathroom when the timer goes off?"

  "Then another stork will get the baby."

  She paused in her drawing of the green pandas. Her eyes got really round. "How many storks are there, Daddy?"

  "Not that many. Just a couple for each baby." He ruffled her hair.

  I put my chin in my hand as I watched James fumbling for the right words for this crazy story. For the first time, I realized that he hadn't brought in my computer. I felt this small feeling of relief. I wasn't sure if I was ready for him to read my book yet. I wasn't sure it would ever be ready for his eyes. What if he hated how I portrayed him? What if he didn't want me to get it published?

  I looked down at James' terrible drawing of an oven, one that was apparently going to cook our baby. Maybe my book needed some more imagination. I took a bite of chocolaty waffle goodness. What it needed was some help from Scarlett. I shook my head at the thought. My beautiful sweet girl would never be allowed to read my books. I lifted up my crayon and started to draw a neon pink stork. And I started to wonder if maybe one day I'd be writing about this moment. My life was no longer filled with illicit scandals or excitement at every turn. But it certainly seemed perfect from where I was sitting.

  Chapter 6

  Saturday

  "You sure you're up to this?" James asked as he finished cutting up the celery sticks.

  "Yes. Besides, they'll be arriving any minute. It's too late to cancel now." I grabbed a celery stick and dipped it into the hummus.

  "A bunch of little kids running around our house all night isn't exactly relaxing," he said and slid the bowl closer to me.

  "But talking to our friends is definitely relaxing." I slowly finished chewing. "So...do they all know?"

  "I told Rob, Mason, and Matt. And I guess Mason told Bee. Rob may have told Daphne, but I really don't know. I asked them not to tell anyone. I'm sorry, baby."

  "It's okay. I just wanted to know ahead of time in case everyone's acting weird around me. Rob is actually really good at keeping secrets though. Daphne probably doesn't know."

  "I don't know about that. When we were little, Rob always tattled on me whenever I fucked up."

  I laughed. "That was sibling rivalry or something. It had nothing to do with his ability to keep a secret. Besides, he said he accidentally saw the sex of our baby at that appointment you couldn't come to. And he hasn't told us."

  James laughed. "He was probably lying about seeing it. And if he did see it, it wasn't by accident. He was most likely snooping. But it was better that he was doing that than staring at you during your exam."

  I swatted James' arm. "It was sweet of him to offer to come with me. I was all nervous that day because I had never been to an appointment without you. And our baby had just started kicking me like a little monster." I put my hand on my stomach. "I thought something might be wrong."

  "Something was wrong. You had a heart murmur and no one was competent enough to catch it. If you ask me, they should have discovered it a long time ago. We should probably switch doctors."

  "Dr. Nelson is a well respected OB-GYN. He's not a cardiologist. We're lucky that he did find my heart murmur. And I'm used to him now. I don't want another doctor."

  James shrugged.

  "I'm serious, James. If the doctor that delivered Scarlett hadn't retired, I'd still be going to him. But at this stage there isn't anyone else I'd consider seeing. You know how bad I am at change."

  "You don't have to tell me." He stepped forward and ran his hand along my stomach. "But change is coming. Best start preparing." He winked at me.

  "I wasn't referring to our son. I'm just excited to meet him. Although, I do wish he would stop kicking me so hard. I swear he's going to hit something loose in there."

  James frowned. "Maybe you should lie down."

  "That won't make him stop. I think he's going to be a hyper child."

  "He probably has so much energy because he's stealing all of yours. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

  "If you say I look pale, I swear I'm going to slap you." I pointed a celery stick at him.

  James laughed. "I was actually going to say you look tired."

  "That's not much better," I said.

  "I didn't say you don't look beautiful." He kissed my forehead. "You're always gorgeous." He kissed the tip of my nose. "Gorgeous and a tiny bit tired."

  I laughed as his lips landed on my mouth.

  A ringing noise sounded through the apartment.

  "You have got to be kidding me," he sighed against my lips. "It's like every time we kiss someone interrupts us."

  I ran my palm along the scruff on his face. "I'll answer the door."

  "Axel!" Scarlett squealed from the foyer.

  James frowned. "When did Scarlett figure out how to break through the child locks on the front door?"

  I shrugged my shoulders. "She's always been mischievous like her father."

  "I can barely open the door with those freaking locks on. So she certainly didn't learn it from me."

  We walked into the foyer. Scarlett had grabbed Axel's hand and was already pulling him over to her drawings from this morning that were spread out on the floor.

  "They're so adorable together," Hailey said and put her hand on her chest.

  "I'm pretty sure it was love at first sight for Scarlett," I said and gave her a hug.

  "Love at first sight?" James said from behind me. "I don't think so."

  Tyler laughed.

  "Hey, Tyler." I gave him a quick hug.

  "Would it really be so bad if your daughter was in love with my son?" Tyler asked and patted James on the shoulder.

  "No, that's not what I meant," James said and looked over at our children playing. "But they're just friends."

  "Aw, I don't know," Hailey said. "They seem pretty smitten to me."

  James lowered his eyebrows slightly.

  I wasn't sure why it bothered him so much to think that Scarlett had a crush on Axel. They weren't even four years old yet. It was harmless enough. And I thought it was cute how much Scarlett adored Axel. A Hunter ending up with a Stevens wasn't such a horrible thing. I smiled at the two of them playing together. Axel looked so much like his father. He had the same shaggy blonde hair and blue eyes, but his skin was a little tanner like his mother's. He was going to be a heartbreaker when he was older.

  "Do either
of you want something to drink?" James asked, not at all subtly changing the subject.

  "The idea of our kids being in love really bothers you, doesn't it?" I heard Tyler say as the two of them disappeared into the kitchen.

  Hailey laughed. "Men," she said and rolled her eyes. "Honestly, how cute would it be if they did fall in love one day?"

  "What a story that would be."

  We silently watched Scarlett holding up the drawings to Axel.

  I think I understood why James had gotten a little defensive. I couldn't even imagine Scarlett going to school in a few years. Stupid time flying by. God, and her dating? Just the thought made my stomach twist into knots.

  "But right now they're our babies," Hailey said.

  I laughed. "Did you just think about them growing up and going off to school and sneaking around our backs and getting into all sorts of trouble?"

  She laughed. "My mind immediately went there. Maybe I need to hop on the train of having another kid so I'm not thoroughly depressed when Axel goes off to kindergarten."

  I put my hand on my stomach.

  "You definitely should," Rob said from behind us. "We always just get pregnant again whenever Penny and James do. Hello, you gorgeous, pregnant specimen of a woman." He kissed me on the cheek.

  I laughed. "You did that thing again where you let yourself in instead of ringing the bell."

  "You gave me a key for just that reason." He held up his keychain and jingled it in front of me.

  "It's for emergencies only."

  "Well, I was in serious need of a drink. Crisis averted." He winked at me.

  "Where are Daphne and Sophie?"

  "Daphne had to pee so she stopped at the bathroom downstairs. Pregnant women, am I right?" He elbowed Hailey in the side. "How are you doing, Hails?"

  "Good. I'm just enjoying the show." She looked back and forth between us.

  "Rob, you didn't wait for your wife and child?" I asked. "You just ran up here and abandoned them?"

  "In the most prestigious apartment complex in the city. You're acting like I left them somewhere horrid. Besides, I had to come up. Someone had to get this party going. Am I right, Hails?"

  "Does me not being pregnant somehow make me one of the guys? Stop elbowing me," she said with a laugh and lightly shoved Rob's arm.

  "No, but you still get to have fun while Penny and Daphne are total party poopers. Especially now," he said and turned back to me. "Shouldn't you be lying down?"

  I had just defended his ability at keeping a secret to James. Was he seriously going to talk about my heart murmur in front of one of the only people that didn't know?

  "Why especially now?" Hailey asked.

  Rob cleared his throat. "Because James Junior in there is going to be a kicker in the NFL. He's practically abusive already. He'll fit into the league perfectly."

  I laughed. "He's just a little hyper is all. He's not a monster."

  "I never called him a monster," Rob said. "Junior will be one of the good ones."

  "First of all, we're having a girl," James said and handed Rob a drink. "And second of all, if it's a boy, we're not naming him James Junior."

  "Oh, come on. I'm going to name my son Rob Junior. RJ for short. And we can call your son JJ. It'll be adorable. They'll basically be twins like how we're basically twins. Penny's always saying how similar we are." He glanced back at me as if he was waiting for me to agree with him.

  I looked at the two brothers. Rob was little shorter than James. And Rob almost always had a smile on his face, whereas James was currently sporting a scowl. James was more carefree now than he used to be. But he still tended to be more serious than Rob. "Similar, yes," I said. "But not twins."

  Rob stuck his tongue out at me.

  The doorbell rang. Rob turned around and answered it. Matt walked in with Sophie on his hip and Daphne stood there with her arms crossed above her large pregnant stomach.

  "You left me," she said sternly, but the curves at the corners of her mouth gave her good humor away.

  "I would never." Rob wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

  Daphne laughed. "Sophie started throwing a tantrum in the middle of the lobby because she wanted you, though. Luckily Matt was there to save the day. Apparently he's a good substitute for you. She immediately calmed down when he picked her up."

  "I don't know about that," Matt said with a laugh. "But I don't think my niece minds hanging out with me, do you Soph?"

  Sophie shook her head. She was nestled into Matt's side with her thumb in her mouth. Her eyes were red and watery like she had indeed just been crying.

  "I'm sorry, Soph," Rob said and peeled Sophie out of Matt's arms. "No need to be upset." He peppered her face in kisses until she was smiling again. "Do you want to go play with Scarlett and Axel?"

  "And you too, Daddy," she said.

  "Okay, princess. Which way to your friends?"

  Sophie pointed toward the living room.

  "This way?" Rob said and walked in the opposite direction.

  "No, Daddy. That way."

  Rob started walking toward the kitchen instead of the living room. "Is this the way?"

  "No, Daddy! It's that way!" She pointed to where Scarlett and Axel were playing. Sophie was giggling again before they even left the room.

  "He's such a good father," I said.

  "Yes he is. Hopefully two won't drive our husbands insane. Hi, James," Daphne said and gave James a hug. She did all of her introductions and then stood next to me. "How are you feeling?"

  "Honestly, it feels like he's going to kick right through my stomach."

  Daphne laughed. "Fortunately little RJ isn't quite as hyper. Was Scarlett like that too?"

  "No, not at all. It's part of the reason I'm convinced it's a boy this time."

  "You're insane for not knowing ahead of time," Daphne said. "We've been having so much fun transforming everything in the nursery to blue instead of pink."

  "We actually let Scarlett pick the color of the nursery," James said. "She had a blast at the paint store. Hopefully the baby likes orange. Do you guys want to come in? We're all just standing around. Let's go sit." He looped his arm behind my back. "Drinks are in the kitchen and snacks are on the coffee table in the living room. Dinner will be coming in a bit." He tilted his lips down to my ear. "How are you feeling?" he whispered.

  "I'm fine, James. I promise." I smiled up at him. I had thought he wasn't being attentive enough before. He had done a complete reversal between our conversation this morning and now. Maybe we had just needed a fun day in bed for us to go back to normal. There was nothing that made me happier than knowing that he cared. I needed that. I needed him.

  Just when I was about to sit down, the bell rang again.

  "I'll get it," James said. He smiled and let go of my waist.

  I ungracefully sat down. Matt plopped down next to me.

  "How's the baby?" he asked.

  "We just went for a checkup. He's very healthy."

  "Can I?" He looked down at my stomach.

  I nodded.

  He gently put his hand on my belly. A smile spread over his face. "I can feel him kicking."

  Matt was so cute with all of our kids. I could tell he would be a wonderful father. But he hadn't found the right girl to settle down with. Melissa and Matt had dated for about a month. Their personalities were both too strong, though. Now Melissa and her college sweetheart, Josh, were giving it another go. She had moved to Texas last year. I missed her, but she seemed happy and I was happy for them. James and I had talked about visiting them right before we found out we were expecting again. He had this fear that I'd go into labor on the plane. Even when I was only one month along. So our trip had been postponed indefinitely. I really needed to call her.

  "And how are you feeling?" Matt asked. He kept his eyes on my stomach. He was much more discreet than Rob.

  I slowly exhaled. "I'm good."

  "Yeah?" He looked up at my face.

  Yes, one day Matt wo
uld be a great father. He was looking at me like my dad would whenever I'd cry. "Yeah." I tried to give him a reassuring smile.

  "Stop feeling her up, man," Mason said. "She's basically your sister."

  "Oh, no, I wasn't." Matt immediately dropped his hand from my stomach.

  "I'm just messing with you." Mason punched his brother's arm and leaned down to hug me. "How you feeling, Penny?"

  The Caldwell brothers were so sweet. Which was hilarious because when I met them I never thought I'd use that adjective to describe them. "I'm good," I said as Mason released me from his embrace. "Matt just wanted to feel the baby kick."

  "Oh." Mason sat down on the other side of me. "In that case, do you mind if I feel it too?"

  "That's fine."

  He put his hand on my stomach. I felt the baby kick and Mason smiled.

  Bee laughed. "Well, I never thought I'd see the day. For someone who claims to be terrified of children, you sure are excited about this one."

  "I'm not terrified of children. I'm terrified of having children. So many things could go wrong." Mason immediately dropped his hand. "I mean, the odds are small. Medicine and technology are so good now. It's very rare for pregnancies to be dangerous."

  "And I'm the one harassing her?" Matt said. "Nice one."

  "I just meant...Penny, you know what I meant," Mason said. "I'm sorry. Of course everything will be fine with your pregnancy."

  "Mason," Bee hissed.

  God, everyone was being so weird.

  "I feel like I'm missing something," Hailey said. Tyler, Daphne, and her were sitting on the couch on the other side of us. It didn't look like any of them knew what we were talking about.

  Daphne put her hand protectively on her stomach as she stared at me. She looked as confused as Hailey and Tyler. It definitely didn't seem like Rob had told her. The Caldwell brothers may have been sweet, but they were way worse at keeping secrets than the Hunters. I couldn't fault them for that, though. It was probably a good thing.

  "Seriously, Penny, is everything okay with the baby?" Daphne asked.

  What was the point of keeping a secret from half of my friends? Now I just felt guilty for thinking they shouldn't know.