The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  "Of course everything's fine," Rob said from behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Don't you dare say anything, you're going to get me in so much trouble for keeping it from her," he whispered under his breath.

  I awkwardly cleared my throat. "Everything's fine."

  "You're lying," Tyler said.

  Hails gave him a sideways glance.

  Tyler shrugged. "I can tell when she's lying. She's always been a terrible liar." He took a sip from his drink.

  Hailey laughed. "I guess that's true."

  "It really is true," Matt said.

  You are not helping.

  "Are you going to tell us or are you going to make us guess?" Tyler asked. "I've found that ripping the Band-Aid off is a lot easier than slowly pulling it off."

  I bit the inside of my lip.

  "Really, Penny. You have to tell us now," Hailey said. She shifted slightly forward on the couch.

  God, I really don't want to have this conversation. "It's not a big deal whatsoever. At my last checkup the doctor found out that I had a heart murmur. Which is pretty common. It's moderate so it's not mild but it's not severe either. So, I mean, it's okay. Everything's okay."

  "Damn it, Penny," Rob said from behind me.

  "Wait, you knew?" Daphne said to him. "You knew and you didn't tell me?"

  "James asked me not to tell anyone."

  "Who else knew?" she asked.

  Matt, Mason, and Bee all awkwardly raised their hands.

  "Robert Hunter," Daphne said. "She's basically my sister. How could you not tell me? And here I was going on and on about nurseries and names." She had a horrified look on her face. "Penny, I'm so sorry. Why didn't anyone tell me to shut up?"

  "How serious is it?" Hailey asked. "Is the baby okay?"

  "The baby's fine," I said. "He's perfectly healthy."

  "Are you okay?" Tyler asked.

  I don't know anymore. Talking about this made my chest hurt. It's just in my head. It's just in my head. "Yeah. I'm fine." I smiled and waved my hand through the air.

  Tyler didn't say anything this time, but he gave me that look like he knew I was lying again.

  Everyone was awkwardly quiet.

  "Dinner just arrived," James said as he came in from the kitchen. The smile on his face disappeared as he looked around. His eyes landed on me and he gave me a sympathetic smile. "So, you told them?"

  The idea of a relaxing night with my friends had just been thrown out the window. "Yes, and can you all please stop staring at me like I'm dying? I just want to have a normal night." I cringed and looked at Bee.

  "Normal?" she mouthed silently at me and shook her head.

  And I knew she was right. Just like she had been right when she said the same thing to me yesterday. Whenever I said normal, nothing was at all normal.

  Chapter 7

  Saturday

  The dinner conversation was filled with everyone talking about my health. And what it meant for the baby. If I saw one more sympathetic look I was going to scream. I opened up the door to the freezer and let the cold air hit my face. I had wandered out of the dining room with the excuse of going to the bathroom. Now I didn't want to go back.

  "Craving ice cream and comfy sweatpants?" Tyler asked.

  I laughed and closed the fridge door. "I do miss our Friday nights."

  "Me too." He smiled and leaned against the refrigerator next to me. "Tell it to me straight, Penny."

  I shrugged my shoulders. "The doctor said if I take it easy everything should be fine."

  "But?"

  "I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him."

  "You know, I remember you feeling like Scarlett was a boy too."

  I smiled. "But she was my first kid. I had nothing to go off of." I put my hand on my stomach. "It already feels like he's a part of me. If I lost him..." my voice trailed off. "I don't know what I would do."

  "You're stronger than you realize, Penny. I mean, look around you. You set your mind on a goal and go for it. If you let any old obstacle get in your way, you wouldn't be here right now."

  I had certainly pursued James despite all the opposition. Giving up on us had never really seemed like an option. But that wasn't exactly the same as my heart not being strong enough. I had never had that issue before. I loved too hard if anything. I gave too many second chances. My heart always seemed capable of anything.

  "And I don't think it's an issue of losing your son," Tyler said. "You said yourself that the doctor deemed him healthy. I know the conversation tonight has been focused on your baby, but everyone in there isn't talking about the real issue. You."

  I laughed. "I'm not an issue."

  "But what if something happens to you?"

  "Nothing is going to happen to me." My chest was hurting again.

  "You shouldn't even be standing here right now. You should be in bed resting. I know you're strong enough to handle all of this. But your body isn't on the same page as your mind on this one. We don't want anything to happen to the baby. But we don't want anything to happen to you either."

  I knew he was right. And if I wasn't careful he was going to make me start crying. He was still one of my best friends, but we didn't spend nearly as much time together anymore. I probably ended up hanging out with his wife more than I did with him now. Time changed things. Fortunately for us, time healed things too.

  "Just don't let your stubbornness get in the way of your health." Tyler stuffed his hands into his pockets. "You should probably go sit back down." He nodded toward the dining room.

  He had talked so much about being strong. I needed to muster a little bit of that strength in order to tell him about my books. Or rather, ask him if it was okay. "Tyler?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm writing a book."

  He smiled. "I know. You've told me numerous times."

  Right. I had told him. I just hadn't gone into any details. "It's about James and my story. How we met. All of that. I mean, I changed the names and it's fiction. But I pulled a lot of truth out of my time at the University of New Castle."

  "Does that mean I'm in it?"

  "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I wrote about meeting you and everything. Hanging out. Kind of dating. That sort of thing."

  "You made me look like a complete dick, didn't you?"

  I laughed. "No. You're sweet and charming."

  He shook his head. "Just promise me that one day you'll tell my real story? Redeem me in some way. If that's possible."

  "A Tyler Stevens redemption story? I think I can handle that."

  "I'm going to look like such an idiot in your books. Chasing after a girl who was so obviously in love with someone else." He shook his head.

  "You don't look like an idiot, I promise." I hesitated as I stared at him. "So, it's really okay? For me to write about everything?"

  "All the ups and downs brought me here. I can't be upset about what did and didn't happen back then. The past is in the past, and I'm pretty damn happy about how everything turned out."

  I slowly exhaled a breath that I didn't know I had been holding. "Me too."

  "Then write it. Just don't forget that redemption story."

  "I wouldn't dream of it."

  "And please come sit down." He linked his arm through mine. "I'll try to steer the conversation away from your health as best I can."

  "Thanks, Tyler."

  James looked up at us as we walked arm and arm into the room. A few years ago, something like this would have made him furious. Instead he flashed me a smile, like he was just happy I had come back into the room. I settled into my seat next to him.

  I watched as Tyler sat down next to Hailey. He put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her tight. There was a smile on her face and she didn't seem in the least perturbed about Tyler and my chat. I wasn't sure I had ever met someone as accepting as Hailey. I remember when Melissa had dated Tyler. She wouldn't even let me speak to him. Hailey on the other hand had accepted me with opened arms. And I kne
w she knew about my history with Tyler. But she never even questioned me about it. She was confident enough in their relationship that it didn't matter. And that was why she was so great for Tyler. He thought I was strong, but his wife was a rock. She was perfect for him.

  I leaned my head against James' shoulder. And he was my rock.

  "Are you tired?" James whispered.

  I tilted my head to look up at him. "No. I'm just happy."

  He brushed a strand of hair out of my face and rested his head against mine.

  The conversation had taken a sudden turn to real-estate. Normally I'd be bored and want to change the topic. But tonight any conversation that wasn't centered around me was what I wanted. The only strange part about it was that James was completely silent. He'd usually be jumping in to talk about something that I knew nothing about. I knew what his silence meant, though. He was tuning everything out besides for me. And I loved when he did that. I loved that he could make it feel like just the two of us in a crowded room.

  "Daddy, Daddy!" Scarlett came running into the dining room at full speed. "We want to play hide-and-go-seek!"

  James lifted his head off of mine and leaned down to lift Scarlett onto his lap. "Pumpkin, the grown-ups are talking. How about you play with Axel and Sophie?"

  "But we all want to play together. Please, Daddy?" She wiggled out of his grip so that she could stand on his lap. She put her hands on his shoulders and looked him square in the face. "The grown-ups will hide. And we'll find them."

  "I'll play," Matt said.

  Mason laughed. "Count me in too. I bet he'll be found way before I will."

  "Yeah, it'll be fun," Hailey said. "How long do we have to hide, Scarlett?"

  "Five seconds," Scarlett said matter-of-factly.

  "Scar, it's not just Daddy and I hiding," I said. "We'll need a little more time than that to find hiding spots."

  She held up ten fingers. And then dropped one.

  "We better go," James said and lifted her off his lap.

  Chairs squeaked against the floor as our friends started running in every direction.

  James grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet. "We're going to have to move a little faster than that," he said as he picked me up into his arms.

  I laughed as he carried me out of the dining room and down the hallway.

  "This'll do." He kicked open the door to the laundry room and then hit it closed with his foot.

  We were bathed in darkness as he put me back down on my feet.

  "You know that Scarlett is scared of the laundry room," I said as I clasped my hands behind his neck. "She thinks the machines are going to eat her."

  "Yes, I'm fully aware of that." His breath was hot against my lips. It felt like we had been trying to get a moment alone for days. But I wouldn't have thought we'd find one during a session of hide-and-go-seek with our friends over.

  "I want to freeze time. For just a few minutes." I let my fingers wander into his thick hair. I didn't think I'd ever tire of running my hands through his hair.

  "And if you could freeze time, what would you do?"

  My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness and I could clearly see the fire in his. "Oh, I think I'd probably do you."

  "Such an eloquent use of words for an author."

  I laughed. "I'm not an author. I'm just a girl that wrote a book that no one wants to read."

  "And once upon a time I was a man that had given up on life. But then I met you." He cupped the side of my face in his hand. "Look at what a few years can do to someone's life. So tonight let's freeze time. Tomorrow we can start to embrace all the change that's about to happen. Like you becoming a real author."

  "Your optimism is endearing."

  He smiled. "I think you find everything I do endearing." He reached behind him and locked the door.

  "James, the kids have probably already found everyone else. They'll be banging on the door in just a few seconds."

  "Time is frozen. And there are no worries when time is still. Besides, I wasn't going to seduce you. I just want to kiss you."

  "You want to make out?" I smiled up at him. "What are we, two kids playing spin the bottle?"

  "You've always made me feel young, Penny." He kissed the side of my neck. "And alive." He kissed my clavicle.

  Jesus.

  "I'm lucky the bottle landed on you," he said against my lips.

  I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. And we did make out like two teenagers who had gotten paired up in spin the bottle. Not that I would really know. I was never cool enough to play that game at a party. Let alone be invited to the party in the first place. Besides, kisses with a stranger in a basement closet wouldn't have been nearly this amazing. James made me feel young and desired. He made me feel like I wasn't a mammoth trying to pass as a woman in a dress.

  "When was the last time we had sex?" His hands drifted to my ass.

  "I don't know. Monday?"

  "Monday? No, we were going to, but you fell asleep while I was in the shower."

  "Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that." I let my lips brush against his again.

  "It's been at least a week, Penny. And you've been doing nothing but driving me crazy."

  I laughed. "James, I'm practically a blimp." I put my hands on his chest so I could look up at him. "I certainly haven't been driving anyone crazy recently. It's not like I'm 19 years old and trying to seduce my professor anymore."

  He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, when a light knock sounded on the door.

  "Daddy?" Scarlett's apprehensive voice sounded from the other side of the door. "Are you in there?"

  James put his hand over my mouth and his finger up to his, silencing me.

  The doorknob jiggled.

  If he thought us being quiet was going to make the kids go away, he was sorely mistaken. But I wasn't going to deny that him holding me like this didn't turn me on just a little. Maybe I was still more like my 19 year self than I realized.

  "Uncle James?" Axel said a little more confidently and knocked on the door.

  I pulled James' hand down from my face. "You're scaring the children."

  "You still drive me crazy," he said as I slipped away from him.

  I looked over my shoulder at him as I unlocked the door. "You still drive me crazy too, James. To be continued?"

  He nodded and ran his hand through his hair.

  I opened the door and Scarlett screamed. But then she ran right toward me and embraced my leg like it was her favorite thing in the world.

  "I found you, Mommy," she mumbled into the fabric of my dress.

  My baby girl still needed me. I looked back over my shoulder at James. He still needed me too. I had already known that. But seeing him with lust in his eyes was something I understood so well. I couldn't believe that I thought we were falling apart last night. We were stronger than ever. We needed to start getting better at carving out time for just the two of us, though. Especially with another kid on the way. If this baby was anything like his older sister, we'd only be getting a few hours of sleep a night for months.

  Chapter 8

  Saturday

  Scarlett's head was resting on my lap as the party drew to a close. She had fallen asleep over an hour ago, but whenever I'd try to carry her to bed, she'd gotten those really big puppy dog eyes and said she didn't want to miss out on anything. How could I deny her? Especially when I was tired anyway. A little nap before bed sounded heavenly. Besides, Daphne and Sophie were already curled up on the couch. And it was way past my bedtime.

  Right when I was about to drift off to sleep, hushed voices startled me awake. I was about to slip out from underneath of Scarlett's head to join the conversation when I picked up on a small piece of the discussion.

  "I have every mind to sue him," James said. "It has to be malpractice."

  "I'm sure you could sue him if you wanted to," Rob said calmly.

  James sighed. "Spit it out. I know that there's a but coming."
r />   I looked down at my daughter. She was still sleeping peacefully. And so were Daphne and Sophie. James and Rob thought I was asleep too. Or I was certain they wouldn't be talking about this. I should have gone into the kitchen and joined their discussion. I should have at least let them know I was awake. But instead, I closed my eyes and stayed perfectly still.

  "I was looking it up the other day," Rob said. "Pregnant women get heart murmurs all the time. Something about extra blood flow or something. They usually go away after the birth."

  "Yeah, I know. And if that was the case it'd be fine. The cardiologist we went to for a second opinion said she'd eventually need surgery, though. That if it got any worse she'd need medical intervention if she wanted to live a long life."

  "Shit."

  They were both silent for a moment. Yeah. Shit. That was the best way to describe it. I ran my palm along my stomach. The doctor had said that extra stress on my heart would make it worse. That maybe I'd had a mild heart murmur my whole life that went undetected. But that my pregnancy made it worse. That my heart was beating faster and working harder to make up for the leak. And that the wear and tear were now irreversible.

  "Suing him won't help, though," Rob said. "Him losing his license won't mean anything."

  Of course it would mean something. Dr. Nelson would lose his job. He had a family. This conversation was ridiculous. James could not blame an OB-GYN for not finding my heart murmur. That wasn't his specialty. Maybe he could freak out if our son had a heart murmur and he didn't find it. But this wasn't Dr. Nelson's fault.

  "What am I supposed to do? Sit here and continue to blame myself? I can't...I can't do that. I'm going fucking insane." James was quiet for a moment. "I brought up the idea of having another kid. It's my fault. If she dies, it's my fault. That baby effectively turned her into a ticking time bomb."

  I swallowed hard. No, James shouldn't blame Dr. Nelson. He shouldn't blame himself. But he most certainly shouldn't blame our baby. Our son was good and pure and perfect. I quietly slipped out from underneath Scarlett's head. She moaned peacefully in her sleep.

  James and Rob both turned toward me when I entered the kitchen. James looked guilty, like he knew he had been caught talking about me behind my back again. But Rob plastered a smile on his face.